


Still Loving You

by blackimpala



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Break Up, Emotional Hurt, Flashbacks, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Mechanic Dean, Pining, Professor Castiel, Slow Burn, that's a sarcasm, there's a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-28
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-03-15 16:01:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 122,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3453311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackimpala/pseuds/blackimpala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Castiel were boyfriends in high school but Dean left town suddenly and without any clear explanation. 15 years later they meet again, and although Dean is still in love with Castiel, Castiel is still hurt with Dean and the only thing he feels is pain. Somehow, they try to build a friendship, but it isn't easy; there are too many feelings in between them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I want to remark that my mother tongue isn't English, so my apologies if there are some mistakes.
> 
> I just had this story in my mind for so long that I wanted to start writing it even if I'm already writing another one. Enjoy :)

_May 1999_

 

The sun is still in the sky. In a couple of hours, night will come. The sky is already painted in red, orange and yellow, and so are the few clouds scattered in the sky. The temperature is warm, but once the darkness of the night arrives, it will be chilly, and a jacket will be needed. Despite of being in spring, the nights in Pontiac, Illinois, are quite chilly.

Dean walks through the streets, walking towards his boyfriend’s house. Castiel’s house isn’t too far from his and he knows the path perfectly. During the several months Dean has been living in this town, he has walked this path every Friday evening. First, it was as Castiel’s friend, but less than two months later, Dean walked that street as his boyfriend. And they have been together since October. Seven months. It is so easy to say.

They met at high school and soon they became friends, and without noticing it, they fell in love and became boyfriends. Dean never thought he would find love at the age of sixteen. He never thought he would meet someone as awesome as Castiel. The moment he arrived to this town with his father John and his little brother Sam, Dean wasn’t expecting to fall in love with Castiel.

That’s why it hurts too much to think about how he is going to tell Castiel that he is leaving town with his family on Monday.  
Dean has known the news for almost a month and he has tried so hard to tell Castiel, he has really tried to tell him, but he couldn’t. Castiel was so happy that every time that Dean seemed to find the strength to finally tell him, he couldn’t. Just the picture of Castiel being hurt by the news, it breaks Dean’s heart. And he knows he is going to have to face it tonight. He kept delaying the news, but he can’t delay them anymore.

Dean’s life has always been on the road. His family never stayed in the same place for longer than a year. John has drinking problems and every time he gets a new job in a new town, after several months, he gets fired. So John, Sam and Dean have to move out of town, to find another place to live and where John can find a new job.

To be honest, Dean knew this moment was going to come, but he hoped that this time, they wouldn’t have to move out as soon as always. Dean really hoped that he could be with Castiel, he wants to stay, but he can’t. He is just sixteen years old, he can’t just leave Sammy behind and he can’t work yet and his father would kill him if he refuses to go with them. There are too many responsibilities to face and Dean isn’t old enough for that. Dean has to give up the love of his life and it hurts him, not only because his heart is already breaking into million pieces, but also, because he is going to break Castiel’s heart.

He takes a deep breath the moment he is in front of the Novak’s house. Like always, Dean rings the doorbell and waits for Castiel to open the door. The moment the blue eyed boy appears behind the door, Dean’s heart skips a beat. Castiel looks really beautiful. He is wearing the same clothes he was wearing in high school, a beautiful grey sweater above one of his white shirts and some jeans, but what makes him look extremely beautiful, it’s that grin he is making, the one he always does whenever he sees Dean.

“Hello Dean.” Castiel greets as he closes the door.

“Hey Cas.” Dean says nostalgic. Thinking about this being the last time he is going to come to this house to get Cas and go out, it hurts him. But he tries not to let it show in his eyes. Castiel always detects if something bad is going on with Dean by just staring into his eyes.

Until they are a bit far from the Novak’s house, Castiel doesn’t hold Dean’s hand. His parents are quite religious and they wouldn’t approve that their son is gay. Castiel has hidden it from his parents, although his brothers know and they accept it.

“You are unusually quiet tonight.” Castiel starts to say. Dean was wondering when Castiel would say something about it. His blue eyes fix immediately on Dean’s green ones. “Something’s wrong?”

Dean can’t tell him the truth, not now. He wants to spend their last Friday night doing something happy. He knows he isn’t going to be able to tell Castiel the bad news tonight, not even when he is about to leave him at home. He knows he is running out of time, that he leaves Pontiac on Monday, and the more he delays telling Cas, the worst it will be. But he can’t ruin tonight. He can’t. Both of them are going to need something good to remember once Dean is no longer here.

So Dean just smiles and leans to kiss Castiel. It is a sweet and gentle kiss, just the touch of their lips. When he pulls away, Dean squeezes Castiel’s hand and dedicates him a comforting smile. “It’s nothing, I promise.”

But Castiel still gives him that squinty look. He can detect that Dean isn’t completely fine, but Dean is a good liar and he can pretend. He hates to do such thing with Cas, but he knows that tonight, it is something needed. They deserve to spend their last night together without worries. And it seems that finally, Castiel believes that nothing bad is going on with Dean, so the dark haired boy simply smiles and kisses Dean tenderly.

As they walk through the streets, holding their hands, they start to talk. They discuss about the books they are reading in their free time, exchanging opinions about the plots and the characters. Without noticing, they soon arrive to the diner they usually go to on their dates.

Like always, they both order the bacon cheese burger with a bunch of fries. Although they keep talking and laughing, Dean can’t still get that awful feeling away. This is the last time they will be here together. The last time he will have Castiel sitting in front of him, laughing. The last time he will see those baby blue eyes. And maybe, this is the last time they will see each other. And it hurts.

Dean could write Castiel letters, but for how long will Castiel wait for him? Dean still has a lot to do. He has no job, he has to finish his studies, he has to take care of Sam… His life is a mess; it has always been like that, and he doesn’t know how he is going to put everything up together and how long it will take him. He knows he is going to hate himself for the rest of his life for this, but he knows he will have to cut down every contact with Cas. He can call him, he can write him, but sooner or later, Cas will find someone much worthier than Dean, and Dean knows Cas deserves that better guy. And he won’t find him unless Dean gets out of his life completely.

Dean would love to stay, to make Castiel happy, but he always knew that he will have to leave and he wouldn’t be able to stay with Cas and make him happy anymore. He shouldn’t have started being with him, that way, he wouldn’t hurt Cas. But Castiel got deep down under his skin and Dean just decided to be with him, even if he knew that this was going to end. He is so selfish for that and he hates himself so much for it.

He could try to keep in contact somehow, but it would only hurt each other more and it would give them false hopes. Dean knows that Cas doesn’t deserve that.

“I love this song!” Castiel yells happily.

Dean rolls his eyes. _Still Loving You_ by Scorpions is sounding in the dinner. “You should love better rock songs after I discovered you the wonderful and great world of rock.” Dean says sassily. “You only like ballads.”

“Do you have a problem with that?” He snaps. Dean can’t help smiling. His boyfriend is so sassy. Castiel might not look like he is it, but he is the sassiest person Dean has ever known. “Besides, I do like more rock songs apart from ballads. Like _Bohemian Rhapsody._ ”

“Somebody did his homework.” Dean teases as he grabs some fries and eats them.

Castiel shakes his head and hums the music, ignoring the looks Dean is giving to him. Usually, Dean would look at Castiel with a smirk while he sings to a rock ballad, but right now, he is looking at him with all the love in his heart. He is going to miss so much about Castiel.

Once the song is over, Castiel looks at Dean and he catches the look Dean is making. He blushes instantly and looks away to hide his shyness from those green eyes. “You should definitely learn how to play this song on your guitar.” Castiel says shyly, his eyes looking carefully at Dean.

Dean makes an amused face and he arches his eyebrows, getting them as high as possible. “First of all, for now I can only play _Smoke on the Water_ and the beginning of _Thunderstruck_ , and second, you must be kidding if you want me to play that cheesy thing.”

“You are an assbutt, Dean.” He says with an angry pout. Dean is going to miss those cute insults from Cas. He is going to miss every single thing about Cas. Why does he have to do this? Why does he have to leave? Why does he have to give up the only person he has loved this hard? “And may I remind you that you really like _Love of My Life_ by Queen?”

Dean blushes a bit. Castiel always remembers every single small detail about Dean, even if Dean has only mentioned once. “But Queen makes awesome ballads, Scorpions are great, but when they don’t sing ballads. You know I like them, but their ballads…” He makes a grimace as he shakes his head.

Castiel grins, showing his pretty teeth and his gums. “You just say that to contradict me.”

“Maybe.” Dean chuckles. And Castiel starts to laugh. That beautiful sound coming out of Castiel’s mouth, warming Dean’s heart. If Dean could, he would record that laugh and hear it over and over again. It is so happy and so bright. And he will never hear it again.

After dessert has been served, two pecan pies, because Dean loves pie and Castiel just orders it because he never finishes it and he gives the remaining to his boyfriend, and they have paid the bill, they leave the dinner and walk towards one of those solitaire alleys of Pontiac. It’s where they always go to make out.

They haven’t had sex, mostly because both of their houses are always with people. Castiel’s parents don’t know about their son’s homosexuality and John really hates to know that his son is bisexual, besides, Sam is always at home after high school, and he sleeps in the same bedroom as Dean. So they have always to make out in an alley or in the high school’s bathroom. They have never been further than doing handjobs and blowing each other. Still, they really like what they have been doing.

Both of them run through the alley, going as further as they can from the street. Nobody ever comes around here, but they don’t want to take risks. When they know they are safe and hidden, Dean presses Castiel against the wall and he starts kissing him needy and desperate. He focuses only in what it is happening right now, he doesn’t want to think about how this is the last time they are going to make out. He definitely doesn’t want to think about that and break down in front of Cas. He can’t do that.

Castiel presses Dean closer, rocking his hips slightly as Dean slides his leg in between Castiel’s. Dean’s hands turn between Castiel’s hair to his sides, touching everywhere he can, hoping that he will remember how Castiel felt under his hands and how their bodies pressed together felt like. And he wishes he can remember how Castiel’s hands on him felt like, tracing him down and pulling him impossibly closer, wanting not to leave a tiny inch of air in between their bodies.

It doesn’t take too long for Dean’s eager hands to reach Castiel’s jeans and to unbutton and unzip them. He can feel Castiel’s hard cock hidden in his underwear with the palm of his hand. Castiel moans and bites Dean’s lower lip with the touch of Dean’s hand on his cock, tilting his head up, resting the back of it on the wall. Despite of being almost rapt and not stopping for a single moment to kiss Dean, Castiel manages to unbutton and unzip Dean’s jeans and to release Dean’s cock from his boxers.

Dean gets the hint and he frees Castiel’s cock from his underwear. Both of them grab both of their cocks and they start to jerk both of them, fisting their hands and moving them in a frantic rhythm, pulling closer as their eyes are fixed on each other.

“Dean— Dean— Dean—” Castiel moans in raggedy breathes. He closes his eyes and presses his forehead against Dean, caressing with his agitated breath Dean’s mouth. And it hurts Dean a lot to know that this is the last time he is going to have Cas like this, moaning his name, trembling because of him, looking desperate to feel Dean closer.

Dean closes his eyes and tries to push all those thoughts away, trying to only think about how good it feels to be like this with Cas. He kisses him, until both of them moan. When Dean opens his eyes, he can see the love and the lust that fills Castiel’s eyes. And Dean wants to cry, he really wants to, but he holds his tears and keeps moving his hand with Castiel along their cocks, rubbing and pressing them together, searching for friction desperately.

The speed increases and so does the intensity or their moans and their breaths. Dean tilts his head up and Castiel starts to kiss his neck in between moans. Dean catches Castiel’s lips in between his in a sudden shake of his head and he kisses Castiel with all the love he has in himself. The kiss doesn’t last too long because it is interrupted by Dean’s moan. He closes his eyes and focuses on the touch of Castiel and the warmth Dean has become so addicted to.

Just a few strokes and both of them come at the same time. Castiel fists Dean’s jacket, trying not to collapse; he always feels extremely boneless after Dean has made him come. And Dean holds him by the small of his back, because there’s no way he is going to let him fall down. Dean presses their foreheads together and makes a whimper that sounds almost like a sob. He can’t fall apart right now. Not here. Not in front of Cas.

“Hey, are you okay?” Castiel asks in a murmur. His other hand starts to comb Dean’s hair slowly and tenderly, like he always does.

No, he isn’t okay. He is too far away from okay. He just wants to stay in this alley forever. He doesn’t want Monday to come. He wants to stay with Castiel. But he can’t. There’s another reason why he can’t stay and he can’t tell Castiel, the less he knows about it, the better. And it hurts Dean’s heart in an unbearable way. He knows he has to leave and never talk to Cas again, it is the better. Dean would rather not do this, but he hasn’t got any other choice.

“I love you.” Dean whispers. He opens his eyes, knowing that they are getting glassy. He can see the worry on Castiel’s. Dean isn’t going to cry or break down, he has to keep himself together. “I love you so much, Cas.”

Castiel cups his face, thumbs stroking Dean’s cheekbones. “I love you too, Dean.” He makes a comforting smile that melts and breaks Dean’s heart at the same time.

Dean kisses Castiel with all the longing in his heart. This is their last kiss, he knows it and he hates it. When he pulls away, Dean forces a smile. “We should better clean up.” He picks one of the tissues he always carries in his jacket and he cleans the few come that has been splattered on their clothes. They are always careful of not staining their clothes, but there’s always some stains to clean.

The walk back to the Novak’s house is spent in silence. They always walk back to their houses in silence, exhausted from the make out session and holding their hands until they can see the Novak’s house the moment they turn the corner.

“See you Dean.” Castiel says with a pretty smile once they are in front of his house.

“See you Cas.” Dean says. He watches how Castiel walks towards the main door and waits for him to get in. Before Castiel does that, he waves at him and Dean does the same.

When Castiel has finally closed the door, Dean walks towards his house, with tears in his eyes the whole path, trying not to sob in the middle of the street. He can’t hold his tears anymore, he has been holding them for too long and everything hurts too fucking much. He feels how the hot tears in his eyes trace down his face, getting colder the more they descend. He knows his heart will never heal, that he won’t be able to put all the broken pieces back together.

Dean goes directly to his bedroom when he arrives home. He ignores the worried look his little brother gives him and Dean locks in their bedroom, dropping onto his knees the moment he closes the door. He cries and sobs and he punches the floor, as if with that all the pain will fade away, but it does nothing. The pain is still there and it will always be.

He isn’t sure for how long he cries, but when his sobs seem to have almost disappeared, Dean walks towards the desk and sits on the chair. Castiel is going to hate him for this, he should tell him face to face that he is leaving, but Dean is a coward, and he doesn’t want to see Castiel’s face the moment Dean breaks his heart. This is already too painful and too difficult, and Dean can’t tell Cas face to face the terrible news, so he is just to going to write him a letter and leave it on the mail on Sunday’s night, because if he does it before, Cas will read it and he will come to Dean’s house and they will yell at each other and cry and Dean doesn’t want his last time with Cas to be like that. He has already had his last time with Cas, and despite of feeling the constant pain in his heart, Dean knows this has been a great night.

Dean looks at the blank paper and grabs one pen. He makes a choked sob and closes his eyes, feeling how a couple more tears fall down his face. He wonders if he will ever stop crying, if it will come a day where he hasn’t got more tears left in his body. Part of him thinks that the answer to those questions is a no.

He takes a deep breath and starts to write his farewell letter. He has never been good with words, he will never be, but he tries really hard to write something good for Castiel.

 

_Dear Cas,_

_I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I tried, but I couldn’t. I’m a coward, and as the coward I am, I’m saying goodbye with a letter._   
_I’m moving out of town on Monday, I guess that when you read this letter I’ll be already far from you. If I could, I would stay with you, but I can’t._   
_I love you so much and it hurts me a lot to leave you behind. My heart aches every time I think about this, and it hurts me even more knowing that I’m breaking your heart too._   
_You’ve been the best thing that happened to my life and it hurts me so fucking much to leave. You are going to hate me for this, but trust me, I hate myself even more than you do._   
_And still, I love you, Cas. I’m terribly sorry for this. I love you. I love you so fucking much._

_Goodbye my angel._   
_Dean._

 

It isn’t the best letter, Dean knows it. There are too many more things he could have said, but he can’t put them into words. How is he supposed to let out those words when he knows that it will only cause pain to the both of them?

Dean just folds the paper and puts it into an envelope where he writes Castiel’s name on it. He would leave it on the Novak’s mailbox on Sunday’s night, as late as possible, that way, Castiel won’t read the letter until Monday, when Dean is already too far away from him.

And so Dean does when Sunday arrives. He looks at the quiet house, with all the lights off and he feels the remaining of his heart being stabbed again. He cries again when he leaves the letter on the mailbox. He has been crying since Friday night. Sam has tried to make him feel better, but it was worthless. John caught him crying and he beat him up. It could have been worst if Sam wasn’t there to stop their father.

Dean walks for the last time in his life the path from Castiel’s house to his, feeling how every step he takes feels heavier and how the few pieces of his heart that are still together fall apart, breaking painfully. He feels empty inside, only being filled up with pain and darkness, and it hurts a lot.

Monday arrives. Dean hasn’t slept during the whole night. Just the simple action of getting out of bed is painful and exhausting, but he knows that if he doesn’t do it, John will beat him up and grab him to the car. So Dean forces himself to do everything that John expects him to do. Dean is already emotionally hurt; he doesn’t need to be physically hurt as well.

Dean looks through the window how they leave behind Pontiac. It is really early in the morning and people are still sleeping. One of those persons will wake up, without knowing that a letter is waiting for him, a letter that will change everything and it will break his heart. With that thought, Dean’s eyes start to get glassy, willing to let the tears out, but he closes his eyes and tries to forget everything.

He will never be able to forget Castiel. No matter how hard he tries.


	2. Chapter 2

_October 2014_

 

Castiel drives through the streets of Berkeley, California, going towards the university, where he teaches literature. He has been teaching in that university for a month. After getting his PhD, he was hired to be a professor in that university. He moved to Berkeley during summer and he bought a small apartment. He knows his salary allows him to buy a bigger apartment, but Castiel doesn’t need too much space for himself. Just some small and comfortable place where he can relax after classes is all he needs.

He was really nervous the first day he had to teach, but after a couple of days, Castiel relaxed and he found that he really loved teaching. Most of his students seem to be fascinated by literature and that makes it easier for Castiel to teach, because when there’s enthusiasm about something Castiel really adores, he teaches with amusement and it eases the learning of his students.

Although on Mondays, all his students seem to be quite sleepy. But Castiel has found out that every single student from the university is like that on Mondays. The rest of the week, everyone seems to get back their batteries and they are more active and more attentive. Anyway, Castiel always tries to make his lessons to be entertainment, especially on Mondays. And it seems to work. By the end of the lesson, everyone seems to be more hustler than when the lesson started.

Four o’clock in the evening arrives and that’s Castiel’s end of the day at university. It is always at that time, unless he has to stay and give any tutoring or if he is required in the literature department. The scholar year has just started, so those things are now a rare thing. Once they arrive to almost the middle of the scholar year, Castiel knows he will have lots of tutoring to impart and his department will require him for something.

Castiel gets in the car and he drives back home. It isn’t a long journey, but public transport isn’t extremely punctual, so Castiel would rather go to the university on his car. Maybe once spring arrives, he could go by bike, but October is being quite cold, so it is better is he just goes by car.

Suddenly, something in the car starts to rattle. Castiel frowns confused and decreases his speed, but the rattling keeps going on, so he decides to stop the car. The moment he does that, white smoke starts to appear from the hood.

“Great.” Castiel mutters. He really didn’t want his car to break down, and much less on a Monday.

He gets out of the car and calls his car insurance. In less than twenty minutes, a tow truck appears and it tugs the car. Castiel rides in the tow with the man that it is driving it and they go towards a garage where his car will be repaired. Once the car is in the garage, the tow driver leaves and Castiel walks towards the entry to talk with the boss, who asks for his name and his phone number.

“You will have to wait a couple of minutes, until one of my boys is free, mister Novak.” He says after writing down the information he asked Castiel. He is an old man, with some beard and he is wearing a cap. “Please sit down while you wait, mister Novak. It won’t take too long.” With his hand, he points at the chairs in front of him.

“Thank you.” Castiel says with a smile. The old man nods and walks away as Castiel sits down on one of those chairs.

The entry where the clients must wait smells like lemon and the sounds coming from the garage can be heard, but not too loud. There’s one of those instrumental songs, that kind of song that you always hear in places like this, sounding quite low, with the enough volume to be heard. He knows that this is one of the best garages in Berkeley. Singer’s garage is famous for how good they work and their prices aren’t too expensive or too cheap, they are just what you are expecting to pay.

There are big windows behind the chairs and Castiel looks through them. The sky is covered with clouds, but the sun keeps shining bright. He looks at the road, seeing how a few cars pass by. Then, he looks at the horizon, seeing the different buildings from the town and he smiles. He likes Berkeley. He has been living here for a couple of months and he already likes it. It is an important town and despite of it, it is quite quiet. He is glad that he moved out to this town.

“Mister Novak?”

Castiel turns his face from the window to look at the man who just asked his name. The moment he looks at his face, Castiel’s heart freezes. His eyes open widely and his mouth parts in shock. A cold shivering runs down his body as he looks at those beautiful green eyes. He hasn’t forgotten those green eyes, even if it has been fifteen years since he last saw them. There aren’t eyes as green as his.

“Dean?” Castiel asks with a confused and shocked voice. He stands up instantly, being at the same height as Dean is.

Dean is like him; looking with wide eyes at his ex-boyfriend and with his jaw opened, being shocked. “Cas.” He simply says, as if the name hasn’t been pronounced in his voice for years. Maybe it has been like that.

“What— what are you doing here?” He asks. Fifteen years have passed and Castiel can’t tell how he feels exactly at seeing the man who is standing in front of him, to see the man the boy he loved more than anything has grown into. He looks even more gorgeous than he was. He has grown taller and stronger, he can see the shape of his muscles under the blue mechanic overall he is wearing. His hair is a bit longer than it used to be, but not too much. His freckles have intensified on his face and his eyes are still as green as they were. Castiel thought Dean couldn’t get more gorgeous; guess he was wrong.

“I work here.” Dean answers almost stuttering, clearly feeling awkward. “And I live here in Berkeley. What are you doing in Berkeley?”

“Same. I live and work in this town.” He feels a lump forming in his throat. He can’t believe that Dean Winchester, who was the love of his life, who left him fifteen years ago without any explanation, just some poor letter, is standing right in front of him. Castiel was sure that he will never see him again. And yet, here they are.

“Good. Good.” Dean says shaking his head and trying to avoid his eyes. It seems that he is having difficulties to make eye contact and that he is also trying to process that they are seeing each other after all those years. “Is that BMW x4 yours?”

“Yes, yes, it is.” He nods and looks down. Castiel never expected to run into Dean in his life, but he thought that if he ever ran into him, it definitely wouldn’t be like this. There are so many things he is willing to say but he can’t.

Dean clears his throat and starts to talk. “It’s just some problem in the engine, nothing too important, but you will have to wait ‘til Thursday evening or so until it is fixed. We’ve got to order the piece.” He tries to sound casual, as if he was dealing with another client, but both of them know it isn’t like that.

Castiel wants to stay cold, he hasn’t forgotten that Dean broke his heart years ago and since then, his heart hasn’t been the same. Nevertheless, looking at Dean right now, it makes Castiel to remember past feelings and he isn’t willing to do that. He really had a bad time getting over Dean, and he knows that there’s some hidden and tiny part in him that haven’t gotten over that love, but he has buried that part deep down; he can’t dig that up now.

“Okay.” Castiel simply says. He isn’t unable to say much more. His heart aches right now, like it hasn’t ached in years. Seeing Dean is bringing back too many memories, good and bad ones, especially the last kind.

And Dean can’t even meet his eyes. Years ago, those beautiful green eyes couldn’t stop looking at Castiel’s blue ones, now they hide. And Castiel wonders what he is hiding, shame, regret or pain. Maybe it is all of that at the same time. He doesn’t know. He is feeling dizzy and trying to keep his legs still, which are trembling and willing to collapse.

“We will call you once the car is fixed.” Dean says. His voice sounds almost heartbreaking. It shouldn’t hurt Castiel after all, but it hurts him. Finally, Dean’s eyes meet his, and they are full of sorrow. He has seen those eyes like that before, but not with that amount of anguish. “I guess that’s all.”

“Yes. That’s all.” He simply says. His voice is breathy and he hates himself for being like this in front of Dean.

Dean shakes his head. “Okay, then, uhm— Bye.”

Castiel knows he looks devastated, but he is able to whisper a farewell. “Bye.” He turns around, and walks away from the garage. He doesn’t look back for a single moment, if he looks back now, he knows he will fall part in the middle of the street, and he really doesn’t want that. So he tries to keep himself together as best as he can until he arrives home.

The moment he closes his apartment’s door, he rests his back on it and he starts to cry. He doesn’t even understand why he cries. He shouldn’t been crying. He just saw Dean again after fifteen years. Everything that happened between them is gone; every tiny slip left from that love they shared doesn’t exist anymore, he has forced himself to believe this for all those long years. Then, why is he crying? Why does he feel like shit?

He feels as if he hadn’t breathed for years, and now that he is breathing again, the air feels like fire, burning his lungs. He doesn’t realize when his legs can’t hold him anymore and he ends up sitting on the floor, with his back resting on the door and his hands covering his face.

Deep down, Castiel knows why he is like this; because he hasn’t fully gotten over Dean. But he wants to deny that. It has been fifteen years, he had a long time to fully forget him. The problem is that after all those years thinking that he would never see him again, he wasn’t ready to find him in that unexpected way. Dean could have been in the other coast of the country, who would have known that he was in Berkeley?

Castiel inhales needy, feeling how his lungs hurt as he does so. His eyes are red and swollen from the tears, and his face is all covered with the trace of those tears. He wipes his face and stands up, feeling weakly. He wasn’t ready for this. A huge part of him hoped that he would never find Dean again. That tiny part of him that he buried years ago was hoping that he could see Dean again. He thought he could bear seeing those eyes that years ago made him feel extraordinary things. But he was wrong. Anyway, he has to forget about all of this and keep going on with his life. Nothing has changed. Everything is the same.

He walks towards the kitchen and he decides to make some instant noodles. He feels really dizzy and he knows that noodles are the only thing that his stomach can digest properly when he feels like that. Also, his temples hurt. How can someone he hasn’t seen since he was a teenager cause him all those things? He rubs his face and takes deep breathes; after eating his dinner, he is going directly to bed and he is going to try to sleep and forget about everything.

But it doesn’t go like that. The moment Castiel is in his bed, surrounded by the darkness of his bedroom, his mind starts to think about everything that has to do with Dean. Every single fucking thing. This isn’t going to be as easy to remove as Castiel thought. He sighs in frustration. It’s all his car’s fault. If the stupid car hadn’t broken up, he wouldn’t have run into Dean.

But maybe, he would have run into him in the city, any other day, in any other place. What were the odds of finding the ex-love of his life in Berkeley? Everything was easier when he didn’t know Dean lived in the same town Castiel lives.

 

During the following days Castiel goes to the university by bus. He has to wake up earlier than usually to catch the bus and arrive on time. Usually, that would annoy him, but his mind is still focused on something else. Actually it is focused on someone else; Dean.

He hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Dean. During classes it seems that he manages to get Dean out of his mind and focus on the things he has to teach, but once the class is over, his mind goes back to the freckled and green eyed man he saw on Monday. He wishes he could forget him as easy as he does while he is teaching. But things aren’t that easy, right?  
As Dean told him, on Thursday, he gets a call telling him that his car is ready, so once Castiel finishes his day at university, he will go and pick up his car. Thanks to his car insurance, he won’t have to pay a cent.

He should be willing to finally have his car back, all fixed up, but he knows he will see Dean again, and Castiel isn’t sure how he is going to react this time. At least he expects to find Dean, not like the other day, that caught him by surprise and he broke down. Still, he isn’t sure how things will go. He doesn’t know why he keeps wondering that. He has repeated to himself that nothing has changed, that everything in his life is the same. Just because Dean appeared in his life again, doesn’t mean things have changed. But what if they are really going to change? No. They can’t change. Not after everything that has happened.

So Castiel takes a deep breath and goes towards the bus stop to wait for the bus. One way or another he is going to have to face this. He really doesn’t want to have to do anything with Dean. Their lives pulled apart when Dean left town, it is nonsense that their lives collide again. Dean used to be the most important person in Castiel’s life. Now, Dean is just a collection of painful memories. There are happy memories from that past, of course they are, but they are painful. Castiel knows that he hasn’t been as happy as he was when he and Dean were together. He knows he hasn’t laughed like he used to laugh with Dean since their break up. And it hurts to know that.

The bus doesn’t make Castiel to wait for too long. He gets into the bus and sits on one of the free seats, almost at the end of the vehicle. During the whole ride, Castiel looks through the window, his nerves increasing as the bus approaches the Singer’s Garage. He shouldn’t be feeling nervous, he should be relaxed, but he can’t. The last time he was as nervous as he is now, was when he and Dean went on their first date.

 

_____

 

_October 1998_

 

The bell rang, marking the end of the day at the high school. Everyone hurriedly started to gather things up, packing them in their backpacks, even when the teacher was trying to finish the sentence she was saying. It was Friday, and everyone was dying to go back home after a long week in high school. The teacher’s words didn’t matter too much to anyone once the bell had rung.

It was unusual to see Dean gathering his things that slow, he usually was the one who hurried the most, but that day, he was being really slow. Castiel frowned at his best friend, who sat next to him. Dean seemed unusually nervous, as if something strange was going on with him.

“Are you okay?” Castiel asked worried, trying to find something in those green eyes he loved so much.

Dean made a nervous smile, looking at Castiel, trying to show him that everything was okay, but clearly it wasn’t. Castiel knew Dean too well. “Yeah, yeah. I’m good.” Dean simply said. Castiel didn’t believe him, but if Dean didn’t want to talk about something, it was better not to push. They only knew each other for almost two months, but they knew each other perfectly.

As always, they walked back home together, but again, Dean was walking slowly, and it was concerning Castiel a lot. The moment the high school was a couple of streets behind them, Dean stopped and Castiel did the same, confused by Dean’s behavior.

“Cas I—” Dean started to say really nervous. It was weird to see Dean like that. Dean Winchester was never nervous, he was always self-secure.

“What’s wrong Dean?” Castiel asked worried, walking the small distance that separated them, walking into Dean’s personal space, something that never bothered to any of them.

Dean took a deep breath and he started to bite his lower lip unsure. “I— I—” He puffed in frustration and looked at Castiel’s eyes. “Fuck it.” He fisted the front of Castiel’s sweater, drawing him into a kiss. Castiel was definitely not expecting that. He had been a bit in love with Dean, but he wasn’t sure if Dean felt something for him, although Dean sometimes said that he was pretty or that he had beautiful eyes, but he always said it in a casual way. And now Dean Winchester was kissing him in that needy and nervous way and Castiel wasn’t sure what to do. The action caught him by surprise. Dean pulled away, with all his face as red as a tomato. “Wouldyouliketogoonadatewithmetonight?” Dean asked hurriedly.

Castiel blinked perplexed, trying to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, that this was real. Dean waited for his answer, blushing even more, as if that was possible. Castiel started to move his jaw, without saying a word. Words were stuck in his throat, so Castiel just cupped Dean’s face and kissed Dean sweetly. He felt how Dean melted in that kiss. When they pulled away, both of them were smiling shyly.

“I would love to go on a date with you, Dean.” Castiel answered happier than ever.

And so they did. Castiel was extremely nervous the whole afternoon as he waited for Dean to come to his house and pick him up. He walked around his bedroom for hours, trying to calm himself. He didn’t want to screw things up. He really liked Dean, he knew he loved him. Dean was gorgeous, funny and perfect and Castiel wasn’t good enough for him. He wondered why Dean could have asked him out.

The time for the date came when Dean rang the doorbell and they went to that dinner that would become the place where they went almost every Friday night. It was a wonderful night. They laughed a lot, and all Castiel’s nerves were fading away the more he and Dean talked, making him feel wonderful things as the night kept going.

After dinner, they went to a park and they sat on a bench, and they kissed over and over again, smiling all the time, looking at each other, being extremely happy. It was a wonderful date and a really happy night.

 

_____

 

Remembering that night only makes old wounds to open up again. Castiel shakes his head and tries to shove away those memories. They are from a far past. They were young and in love and it seemed that nothing in the world could pull them apart, that they would be together forever. And Castiel was so stupid at that age.

Castiel gets out of the bus on the closest bus stop to the garage. He starts to walk towards that place. His nervous increase even more. This is stupid, he is just going to pick up his car, nothing else. Yes, he might see Dean again, but after that, everything will be done and they will go on with their lives, like they have done since their breakup.

Once Castiel is in the garage, he has to wait a couple of minutes until he is attended. And of course, Dean is the one who has to attend him. He is the one who fixed his car apparently. But at least, this time, both of them aren’t as shocked as they were on Monday.

“Hey Cas.” Dean says when he arrives. He is wearing that blue mechanic overall again, although this time it has a couple of black stains on it; Castiel supposes they are from oil.

“Hello Dean.” Castiel greets casually. Just something as simple as saying hello to each other shouldn’t make Castiel’s heart ache, but it does.

“Follow me.” He shakes his head and starts to walk. Castiel follows him. They get into the garage, where several cars are being repaired. Once they arrive to Castiel’s, Dean explains him a couple of things that Castiel doesn’t understand too well, mostly because his knowledge about mechanic is null, but what Dean mostly says is that it was some piece and that the car is fixed. “So that’s all.” Dean says when he is done. He hands the car’s keys to Castiel.

“Thank you.” Castiel says. He is about to turn over, but Dean speaks.

“Cas.” He says with a needy voice. Castiel meets his eyes; the green forest is full of doubts, pain and sadness. Dean takes a deep breath before he speaks. “I think we should have dinner together.” With those words, Castiel’s eyes open widely; he wasn’t expecting that. After all those years Dean now wants to have dinner with him? “Just to talk about— just talk.”

Castiel shakes his head and looks at his hands, holding the keys. He makes a grimace and he scowls Dean. “Are you serious?” He snaps. He sounds really hurt.

“Just a dinner. I owe you that, don’t you think?”

Castiel sighs. Dean is right; he owes him that. Castiel closed that door a long time ago, there are some questions he doesn’t have an answer to yet. Despite of that, there’s a part of him that doesn’t want any explanation. Dean left and he didn’t do anything to keep in contact. Castiel doesn’t want to hear any excuse or explanation. It’s too late for that. Dean should have told him all those excuses when he left, not now, fifteen years later.

“Fine. Just a dinner.” Castiel says looking at Dean with fierce eyes. “When and where?” He must be insane for accepting this, but he knows that both of them need a closure. And that dinner might be the closure they have been looking for years. If they don’t do it, Castiel knows that something will keep pulling them together, and he is too tired of that invisible force grabbing him towards a past he has tried so hard to forget.

“Do you know the Roadhouse?”

“Yes, I do.” It is a dinner he knows well. He has eaten there a couple of times when his brother Gabriel came to visit him. It isn’t too far from his house and the food is really good.

“How about tonight at seven at the Roadhouse?” He asks timidly, but still with a heartbreaking voice. Castiel remembers how bright and happy that voice used to be, but now it is all full of sadness.

“Okay. I will see you there.” He finally turns around and gets in the car, trying not to look at Dean through the rearview.

He doesn’t want to stay there any longer. He will have enough with tonight. He can’t believe he has agreed to do this; having dinner with Dean. The last time they did that, it was a couple of days before Dean broke his heart. It’s just a dinner, nothing else. Dean said it. Just a simple dinner. But again, why does his heart hurt like this?


	3. Chapter 3

Dean is already at the Roadhouse waiting for Cas. He hopes he will come. It wouldn’t surprise him that Castiel didn’t show up, after all these years… But Dean wants him to come, he just wants to know how he is doing and explain him things. He left with a letter, without explaining anything, only giving him poor words and telling him how much he loved him even if he was leaving him.

When he saw Castiel in the garage on Monday, Dean thought he was dreaming; he couldn’t believe that Castiel was standing there. He recognized him instantly; those blue eyes aren’t easy to forget. He has grown taller and stronger and his hair is longer than it used to be and even messier. He has grown even more beautiful than he was when he was a teenager. But he was so sad, angry and hurt. But Dean can’t blame him; Dean is the reason behind that.

Dean is drinking a coke and he looks at his watch. It is already seven p.m. and Castiel hasn’t appeared yet. He was the most punctual guy Dean has ever met. If Castiel ever showed up late, it was because something happened. He didn’t look so convinced when Dean told him to have dinner; it wouldn’t be strange if he finally decided not to appear.

But Castiel shows up and Dean’s heart skips a beat the moment he sees his ex-boyfriend walking towards the table. Dean hasn’t forgotten Castiel. He has tried to move on, but he knows he left his heart on Castiel’s hands when he left. He has tried so hard to forget that blue eyed angel he loved more than anything, but it was in vain. There hasn’t been a single day when Dean didn’t hate himself for what he did, that he didn’t regret not doing anything to go back to Castiel. He has always told himself that he was doing the right thing, because it meant that John and no one else would have been able to cause him any pain. But Dean was the one who caused more pain to both of them, wasn’t he? And despite of not knowing about each other for fifteen years, Dean knows that he still feels something for Castiel; he never stopped feeling something. Even when his heart is broken and the remaining of that lost love are only ashes.

Castiel looks as gorgeous as he looked before in the garage. He is wearing a blazer, a white shirt and dark jeans. And his hair is a wild mess. Dean can’t help making a soft and tiny smile when Castiel arrives to the table Dean is and he sits down, in front of him.

“I thought you weren’t gonna come,” Dean says.

“I was about not to come, but finally I came,” Castiel says looking down at the table. He looks a bit more relaxed than when he was in the garage, but his eyes are cold and fierce. Like a shield protecting his true feelings from Dean.

“I wouldn’t blame you for that.”

Castiel’s eyes meet Dean’s, giving him a sympathetic sight. “Yeah,” he simply says. 

Immediately, a waitress comes and she writes down Castiel’s and Dean’s orders. Both of them order bacon cheese burgers with a bunch of fries, like the good old times. Also, Castiel orders a coke. The moment the waitress walks away, Castiel leans his elbows on the table, crossing his arms.

“Dean,” he starts to say. “I have to ask. What do you expect from this dinner?”

“Closure. That’s what you deserve.” He answers. Castiel looks down and nods.

To be honest, part of Dean wants closure too, but he knows he won’t have it and part of him doesn’t want it either. He keeps trying to forget and get over from the man who is sitting in front of him, but no matter how hard he tries, he can’t. He just wants to go back in time and take Sam and Castiel and run the three of them together, run away from John, from Cas’ parents and start a new life. But they were too young for that.

“So what do you want to start with?” Castiel asks. He rests his temple on his hand and he stares at Dean with calculative and cold eyes.

“Don’t you have questions?” Dean asks frowning. 

He knows that he can’t expect a nice chatter with Castiel, after all, Dean broke his heart in million pieces and he said goodbye by leaving a letter in the mailbox. Of course that Castiel is pissed off; he has all the right to be it. The problem is that after so many years, after wanting to tell Castiel so many things, he doesn’t know where to start and he isn’t sure if he is going to be able to put all those things into words.

“Of course I have. But to be honest, I don’t want any stupid excuse.” His voice is sharp and rough. He glares Dean in a deadly way. Those eyes used to be gentle with him, but that was before Dean broke his heart.

“Then, why did you come?”

Castiel sighs and rubs his face with his hand. He rests it on the table after that. “I don’t know.” He sighs again, looking at Dean, showing with his eyes how painful he feels. “You left, with just a freaking letter. And you didn’t even stay in contact; you just disappeared of my life suddenly.” He pouts in an angry way and moves his hand, imitating the movement of Dean leaving. “There’s nothing left to explain, isn’t it?”

“Actually there is,” Dean says serious.

“I don’t want it, Dean.” He shakes his head and he narrows his eyes. “There are just poor excuses. I understand that your father forced you to leave and you didn’t have a choice. You told me that your life was always like that, moving out from town to town so your father could find a job. That part is easy to understand, even it is logical. What I don’t understand is the fact that you didn’t write me after that, that you didn’t even call me. You just disappeared and—” He doesn’t even finish the sentence. He just closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

Dean knows Castiel is right. But he knows that if he had done that, Dean would have only given Castiel false hopes. Dean would have kept moving from town to town with his family and he would have had to look out for Sam until he was an adult. And that was going to be for a lot of years. Castiel wouldn’t have waited for him that long. He deserved someone who could stay always next to him, and Dean wasn’t that guy.

He could tell Cas all of that, but the words are stuck in his throat and his tongue feels useless. He knows that Castiel doesn’t want any cheap excuse. It is too late for any explanation. Then, why did Castiel agreed to come here?

“You aren’t going to say anything?” Castiel asks with a heartbreaking voice.

Dean looks at his coke, seeing how the bubbles keep dancing in the drink. “You said you didn’t want any explanation.” After saying that, Castiel makes an acid chuckle and Dean stares at him. “Why are you sitting here in front of me, Cas?”

“I just want closure.”

“And how are you supposed to get that if you don’t even want to hear any explanation?” He sounds a bit more hurt than he wants to.

“And would that change anything?” Castiel asks with a reproaching voice, even some sass slips into the question. “Would that make all that pain I felt during those years fade away?”

“No. Nothing will ever do that.” He knows it well. “You can’t change the past.”

“Exactly.” He inhales sharply.

“Then, I still don’t understand why you are here.” Dean simply says. Their burgers arrive and both of them stare at each other in silence while the waitress leaves both dishes and Castiel’s coke on the table.

“And I still don’t understand why you asked me to come here.” Castiel says after the waitress has left them alone.

“I wanted to explain you things, but— I guess that option is no longer available.” He grabs a few fries and eats them. Castiel starts to do the same. Once Dean has swallowed them, he keeps talking. “And I wanted to know how you are doing.”

“You didn’t seem to care about that when you left.” He snaps.

Dean inhales sharply, he knows he deserves this, but he is getting a bit pissed off. What did he expect from this? That everything was going to be unicorns and rainbows? Of course not. But still, he would like Castiel to be a bit less aggressive. “If you don’t wanna tell me, fine. You have all the right.” He says dryly. He grabs the burger and starts to eat it, looking away from Castiel’s eyes.

Castiel takes a deep breath and rubs his face. Dean looks at him intrigued. “I just—” He takes a deep breath. “It’s been a long time, Dean.” The anger in his eyes disappears to leave space for pain. “And you just suddenly appeared and I— I don’t know how to accept this.”

“I know,” Dean says with a soft and serious voice. “Neither do I.”

He has in front of him the person who was the love of his life, who still is it. Dean thought that their paths would never collapse together again. But here they are, after so many years, sitting in front of each other. But everything is so different from what it used to be. They are no longer together. They aren’t happy either. This is just a reflection made of smoke from a happy past that hurts more than brings happy memories.

“So what do you want to know?” Castiel says with a gentler voice, but it is still really sad.

“What’s your job?” It is a good start. He would like to ask how Castiel is, but he kind of knows the answer to that.

“I’m a literature professor at the university.” Castiel answers.

“Holy shit,” Dean says impressed. Castiel makes a confused frown. “That’s a good and important job.”

“It is,” he says nodding. “I’ve just started being a professor, but I really like it.” His lips make a tiny happy smile. “I worked in a publishing house during a lot of years, because I needed money to get my PhD. After I got it, the University of Berkeley hired me and I moved here during summer.”

“Sounds good.” He makes a tiny smile. Castiel always wanted to go to university; he wasn’t sure what to study, he liked a lot of things and he has become a professor. Dean is happy for him.

“What about you? I thought you wanted to study in college and became an engineer.”

“Yeah, well, it didn’t go as I planned,” he says with a grimace. “Things got complicated and we didn’t have money for my studies. I didn’t get a scholarship either; they only gave them to fucking smart kids like Sam, not to someone like me who is average smart.” He takes a deep breath and avoids Castiel’s curious eyes. “Dad died from an embolism when I was eighteen and I had to give up studies and start working on Bobby’s garage, where I work at present. Bobby is an old friend of the family and he adopted Sam and me. I worked in his garage so I could make some money for Sam’s studies, he got a scholarship, but he was fourteen when dad died, and although Bobby was like a father to us and raised us, I still wanted to help with the bills and buy Sam the stuff he needed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he says devastated. Dean shrugs and looks as Castiel as if it didn’t matter. Dean knew since he was little that sooner or later John would leave somehow and he would have to take care of Sammy. “And you haven’t tried to study an engineer after Sam graduated?”

“No. I got paid a lot in the garage and there’s always work. I’m too used to work there and I have always liked cars. Within what may be, I’m happy with my job and I earn a lot. It’s more than I expected to achieve in my life.” He likes working in the garage, he has always liked it. Maybe, if he would have had the chance to go to college, he would have gone, but now it is too late for that and Dean likes his job a lot. Unfortunately, a lot of people can’t say that nowadays.

“You are happy with your job; that’s what matters.” He makes a pause to take a bite of his burger. After a small silence, Castiel asks. “So Sam got into college with a scholarship?” Dean makes an affirmative hum. “What did he study?”

“Law,” he answers. Castiel looks at him surprised. “He is a lawyer; a really good one.” He admits with a proud pout.

“Still so proud of your little brother. It’s good to see that hasn’t changed.” He makes an impressive proud face but Dean can see a tiny smirk on Castiel’s lips.

“What about your brothers, Gabriel and Michael?”

“Gabriel is an important producer from TV shows. Michael is a broker in New York. I still stay in contact with Gabriel, but Michael is always busy and no one in the family talks to him a lot. All of us have our lives and we don’t see each other, except me and Gabriel. Things got complicated too.”

“What happened?” Dean asks worried.

“When my parents found out I was gay, they got really angry. Gabriel ran away from home. Michael has always been obedient to our parents, but he had to stay in the middle of the situation. I left home once I got a scholarship to study in Harvard. Since then, I haven’t visited my parents or talked to them. ” He explains casually.

“That sucks.” He doesn’t know anything better to say.

“Yeah.” He looks down at his food and he tries to look casually, just like Dean did when he told his story. “Guess that no one of us got the life we planned.” He avoids Dean’s eyes when he says those words.

“Yeah,” Dean says with a feeble voice. “But it could be worse.”

Castiel looks at Dean. “It could be worse.” He repeats in a whisper.

There’s a silence in between them. Dean knew this dinner was going to hurt, but he didn’t expect it was going to hurt this much. The wounds of his heart never healed completely. When one is already healed, another wound is opened again. And it goes like that over and over again.

Dean clears his throat. “Are you— are you married?”

Castiel makes a frown and a glare. Dean is stupid for asking that question, he knows it. That’s why he soon looks at his almost eaten hamburger, as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world. He stops looking at it when Castiel makes a sarcastic chuckle.

“No, of course not,” Castiel says. He is looking through the window and Dean can see that ocean his eyes are made of, glassy, holding tears. “And you?” He asks looking at Dean.

“No, I’m not.”

“Not even seeing someone?” The question comes with hurt and doubt.

“No.” He shakes his head and looks through the window too. The streets are dark already, only lightened up by the streetlights and the weak moonlight. “And you?” He knows he is a bad person for hoping that Cas will say no. He wants Castiel to be happy, he deserves it after Dean broke his heart, but Dean wants to be that person, he wants to be the reason behind Castiel’s smile, like he used to be decades ago.

“No.” He whispers. He takes a deep breath and keeps eating, as if he tried to get away from this situation mentally.

Dean stares at his dish and he forces himself to eat. They don’t say a word while they finish their burgers and their fries. They don’t even order anything for dessert. Usually, Dean orders pie, because they are so freaking awesome and tasty, but he has lost his appetite and it seems that Castiel has lost it too. So they just wait for the bill and they pay. After that, they leave the dinner.

Dean can’t help remembering how every time they left that dinner in Pontiac, he and Castiel held their hands and ran towards the alley, where they could kiss and touch. He remembers how they ran towards that secret place, laughing and smiling, willing to arrive and show how much they loved each other.

Dean’s eyes look for a brief moment Castiel’s hand as they walk out of the Roadhouse. His hand itches to just feel again how their hands felt like when they were tangled together. But he can’t do that. So he just places his hands inside the pockets of his leather jacket, fisting them.

“Well,” Castiel says turning around to face Dean. “I guess that’s all.” His eyes are sad and hurt. Dean has the feeling that this isn’t the closure Castiel was looking for. Was there ever any chance of closure for both of them? Dean isn’t sure about Castiel’s feelings, but Dean knows that he doesn’t want a closure; he knows they were made for each other and even if they never see each other again, they will always be present in their lives somehow.

“I suppose it is,” Dean says shrugging. They look at each other, like they used to do a long time ago; just staring without saying a word, without noticing how time passes by. The sea meeting the woods. Their eyes are saying so many things right now, but they don’t understand the language hidden in each other’s eyes anymore. “Is it too late to say that I’m sorry?” He says with a heartbreaking voice. Dean can feel his eyes getting glassier and burning.

Castiel sighs and breaks the eye contact. “No. It’s never too late to say sorry. But it is late to ask for forgiveness.”

Dean nods and looks down at his feet. Then he tilts his head up again, meeting Castiel’s eyes again; he can see the pain in them. Dean inhales sharply and he starts to look into one of the inner pockets of his leather jacket for the small notebook and the pen he keeps there. Castiel’s confused stare doesn’t go unnoticed by Dean as he writes down his mobile phone number.

When Dean offers the paper to Castiel, he looks at it scowling and then, he looks at Dean. “I thought you wanted closure.” Castiel says dryly.

“I said I wanted closure for you. That’s what you deserved. For me? I don’t know what I want.” Dean starts to explain. Castiel seems to be about to say something, but Dean keeps talking. “I’m just giving you my number just in case someday, you need something.”

“Something like what?” He snaps angrily.

“Like some help with your car. I don’t know. Whatever you need,” he answers. He tries to sound serious, but the hurt in his voice keeps showing up. “Just take it.”

“You do realize that I can’t have closure if you are giving me your number, right?”

“It’s your choice, Cas. Do whatever you want with my number. Keep it, trash it away. It’s your decision.” He inhales sharply again. “I’m not telling you to go back where we left if that’s what you are thinking. I’m just giving you this because if you ever need me for anything, I will go and be there. That’s all.” It has always been like that. Even when he had lost the hope of seeing Cas again. Dean knows that even if things were really fucked up, he would be there if Cas ever needed him. It is a bit of an irony, because he left him when he most needed him.

“Where were you when I needed to hear that?” He says almost sobbing. His eyes are red and tears are being held in his pretty blue eyes. Dean’s heart breaks with those words. And he thought his heart couldn’t break again. He closes his eyes and tries so hard not to let the tears fall down. “Do you think this can change anything? That everything will be fixed up with this?”

“No.” Dean simply answers and he opens his eyes. His lungs hurt with every single breath he takes. The air feels like fire, and when it gets in his lungs, it feels as if they were being torn. This isn’t going to end up good for neither of them. “I told you, I can’t change the past, but maybe I can change the future. I don’t expect you to call me.”

“Then what do you expect?”

“To be there when you need me; if you ever need me.”

Castiel puffs and he grabs the paper with Dean’s number on it and he saves it in his jeans’ pocket. The action is full of anger and frustration, and Dean understands it. “Anything else?”

“No. Nothing else.”

“Good.” He snaps pissed off and hurt. “Goodbye Dean.”

“Goodbye Cas.”

Castiel turns around and walks towards his car. Dean watches him for a few seconds until he does the same, but walking on the opposite direction. When he gets in the car, Castiel has already driven away from there and Dean lets out the tears he was holding. He knew nothing good was going to come out from this dinner, but he is a fucking stupid fool, and a tiny part inside himself wanted and wished that something good could have happened.

The drive back to his apartment is spent with tears falling from his eyes continuously and with an intense heartache. He gets into his bed once he has arrived home, without taking his clothes, only removing his boots. He is too tired to strip. Everything hurts. It hurts knowing how much pain Dean did to Castiel. It hurts to know that Dean is still in love with him. It hurts to know that they could have had so much together. It hurts to know that he used to have a woundless heart. It hurts to remember their story. It hurts to know that they won’t see each other again, and this time, Dean knows it is for sure.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions :)

Two weeks and a day have passed since Dean and Castiel went to that dinner, trying to find a closure. During that time, Castiel hasn’t run into Dean again and he obviously hasn’t called him. Nevertheless, he hasn’t been able to take Dean out of his mind during all those days, although those thoughts have reduced; they aren’t as constant as they were the days after seeing Dean for the first time in the garage. Now they only appear when he is alone or something reminds him of Dean.

Castiel has thought about trashing away the paper Dean gave him with his number on it; but he can’t. Not completely. He wishes he could have enough strength to just drop it away, to cut Dean completely off his life, like he thought he did during all those years, before Dean appeared again in his life. But he can’t. Everything is done between them, and yet, a tiny part of Castiel wants to cling on the remaining of what’s between them. He knows they won’t go to the same place they left and he doesn’t want to be with Dean anymore. Dean broke his heart and Castiel doesn’t want to have his poor heart broken again. It caused him such pain that he isn’t sure if he will be able to keep going after having his heart broken again.

And yet, why does a tiny part of his being want to bring Dean back to his life? He doesn’t want to bring him back as his boyfriend, he is not that reckless and stupid, but he wants Dean back somehow and he knows he shouldn’t. He hasn’t forgotten how much it hurt to know that Dean left without a reason, without telling him face to face that he was leaving, that Dean didn’t even give a damn about keeping in contact. Everything ended up suddenly and caught Castiel off guard and it hurt even more. It wasn’t just emotionally pain, it was also physically; there were times when he couldn’t even get up from bed, he just wanted to stay there forever.

But he finally found some strength and kept going. It took him a long time, a lot of work, so many efforts, but he finally kept going without Dean, carrying his broken heart and trying to put all the broken pieces back together as well as he could. And now, Dean shows up and it feels as if all that work Castiel did disappeared immediately. What is wrong with him?

Castiel takes a deep breath and falls on his back onto his bed. He rubs his face and sighs. Maybe there won’t be a closure for the two of them ever. With that thought he remembers what Dean said; that he didn’t know what he wanted, but he wasn’t exactly looking for a closure. He wonders what Dean meant. He looked so ashamed and so devastated of what he did, but he didn’t look like he wanted to start over, right? No one of them wants that. And both of them are well aware that train left a long time ago. That journey is no longer available. So what did Dean mean?

It might be that he didn’t want to pull Castiel completely away from his life. They live in the same town and there are a lot of chances that they will run into each other during their lives. It will go awkward and tense, and they will relive again those painful feelings and memories. Damn it; that even happened when they didn’t know where each other were; all the time they remembered those memories and the pain was constant. Sometimes it hurt less, sometimes it hurt more, but it always hurt.  
What if the closure they need to achieve can’t be reached with just a dinner and a goodbye? What if they have to be just friends to get all those troubling feelings and pain away? But they can’t be just friends; they have too much history together. Castiel rolls onto his stomach, burying his face in the pillow, grunting in frustration. This sucks a lot.

It’s Friday night and he should be watching any of his favorite films, like he does every Friday night and instead, he is lying on the bed, frustrated by his stupid ex-boyfriend, because he wants to end up with everything but at the same time he wants to see him again. He is a stupid mess.

Castiel gets up from the bed and looks in the drawer for the paper with Dean’s number on it. Fuck everything. One way or another, both of them are screwed up. He just wants to see him again, even if it hurts a little. But they can’t be like that, pretending that with a simple goodbye everything is over. The only thing over is the romantic part; the rest isn’t.  
So Castiel sighs before he is sitting on his couch and waiting for Dean to answer his damn phone.

 

***

 

Dean is stretched out on his couch, reading _Cat’s Cradle_ by Vonnegut, trying to get out of his mind Castiel. For now, it seems that it is working more or less. Once Dean is fully trapped in the words, his mind seems to shut up and only focus on the book; until something reminds him of that blue eyed man. But for now, all his thoughts about Castiel are being shushed slowly. It’s something.

His mobile phone starts to ring and Dean grabs it from the coffee table. He frowns at the screen when he sees that it is a number he hasn’t memorized in his phone. He picks it up anyways.

“Hello?” Dean asks.

There’s a small silence before a familiar voice sounds. “ _Hello Dean,_ ” Castiel greets sounding a bit insecure.

Dean freezes with that voice. Why is Castiel calling him? Dean wasn’t expecting him to do that. Maybe in a few years, but even then, it would be strange for Dean. “Hey Cas.” He manages to say. He tries to sound as casual as possible, but he is well aware that he fails at such attempt.

“ _What are you doing?_ ” he inquires with a strange voice. It is half cold and half serious.

“I’m talking to you”

Castiel lets out a puff. “ _I meant before that,_ ” he snaps sassily.

Dean chuckles. “You should have asked in a past time, not a present one.”

“ _Are you going to give me a grammar lesson?_ ” He sounds a bit arrogant but less cold than before.

“Nah, I’m not good at that, you know it.” He makes a nostalgic smile to himself. “I was reading.”

“ _Vonnegut?_ ”

“Yeah. How do you know?” Dean frowns half confused and half surprised.

Castiel makes a soft chuckle. It’s been years since Dean heard that sound. It’s just a shadow of the wonderful chuckles and laughter Castiel used to make, but still, it sounds pretty. “ _He was your favorite writer._ ”

“He still is it.” Dean recognizes. “Why are you calling, Cas?” He knows that Cas wouldn’t be calling him to just talk about meaningless things. He is really intrigued to know the reason behind this call. After all, they didn’t end up too well after that dinner.

“ _I was about to watch The Empire Strikes Back, and I was wondering if you would like to come over and watch it with me,_ ” he says taking a deep breath. Dean mumbles when Castiel tells him that. Is this for real? “ _And before you say something, this doesn’t mean anything, it’s just two friends or colleagues or whatever the hell we are, watching a movie. I don’t want to start over from where we left._ ” He sounds rushed and nervous.

Dean takes a moment to speak. He needs to process what’s going on. “Well, I already knew that you didn’t want to start over from where we left,” he states. “I don’t want it either.” Actually he wants to, but he knows they mustn’t; they have been through too much pain already, they don’t need any more. “Are you sure about this? I mean, I thought you wanted closure and that you didn’t want me in your life again.”

Castiel exhales sharply. “ _I know that. But this isn’t going too well for me, I don’t know about you,_ ” he whispers. Dean swallows hardly. His mouth is extremely and suddenly dry. “ _You know this is the part where you give me an answer, right?_ ” He sasses.

“Your sass hasn’t increased a little, has it?” He snaps a bit annoyed. He can hear a smirk coming from Cas. Dean just shakes his head and exhales. “No, it doesn’t go well for me either.” He confesses. “But Cas, after everything, do you think it is the wisest idea that I come to your place to watch a movie as if nothing happened in between us?”

“ _No but—_ ” He takes a frustrated deep breath. Dean can feel that Castiel isn’t dealing too well this and he is as confused as Dean is. “ _I think we both had our closure from the romantic perspective, but you know there won’t be a closure from the rest. We keep trying to put ourselves away from each other and it doesn’t work. We don’t want to be together as a couple, that isn’t going to happen again, we both know it._ ” Something that feels like a knife stabs Dean’s heart, hurting him. He knows Castiel is right, but it still hurts. “ _But apart from that— I want to see you and I know you do too. Even after everything. I came to the Roadhouse even when I didn’t fully want to and you gave me your phone number even when you knew it wasn’t the best thing to do._ ”

Dean has to agree with everything Castiel is saying. It doesn’t matter how hard they try, how deep they bury everything, how much they ignore everything; there will be always a part of them willing to see each other. They aren’t going to be back together again, something that hurts Dean a lot, but they can be friends again, even if it takes them years to achieve that. The more they try to cut themselves off from each other, the more it will hurt.

“ _So, are you coming over_?” Castiel asks with a heartbreaking voice.

“Will there be popcorn?” Dean asks.

Castiel chuckles. “ _What’s a movie without popcorn?_ ”

Dean chuckles too. “Okay. I’m coming over.” He leaves the book on the coffee table and he stands up to grab the notebook and the pen he always keeps on the table where the telephone is. “Give me your address.”

Castiel gives it to him and then, they hang up. Dean looks at his cell phone, as if what just have happened was part of a surreal dream. Although part of him is glad that Castiel called. The remaining part of him is already cursing because he kind of knows it is going to be awkward as hell. Anyway, he doesn’t think about it anymore, so he grabs his leather jacket and the keys from his Impala and his apartment and he leaves.

It doesn’t take him too long to get to Castiel’s apartment. He lives a bit less than ten minutes away by car from Dean’s apartment. The trip is short, but during all those minutes, Dean’s mind doesn’t shut up for a single second. There are too many questions being asked in his mind, and Dean would love to just shut up all and every one of them. Castiel made it clear; this is just two friends or whatever the hell they are, watching a movie; nothing else.

Before Dean is ringing the doorbell, he takes a deep breath and rubs his face. This is weird and awkward, and he is going to fuck things up even more; Dean Winchester is an expert on fucking things up, especially if they have to do with Castiel Novak. He can’t let that happen. They’ve been through a lot, and it is enough. So Dean is going to try to not fuck things up. He wonders how much he will last.

The moment Castiel opens the door after Dean has rung the doorbell, memories come back to Dean. The happy boy who used to open the door when they were just two teenagers in love is now a gorgeous man, but a sad man. Dean thinks that for a moment, he loses the ability to breath, not only for the reminder of the past, but also because Castiel looks gorgeous. He has wild messy hair, he is wearing a nice blue sweater that matches his eyes and some dark jeans with some expensive shoes, or they look to be expensive.

“Hey.” Dean says after being able to connect his mouth with his brain. Cas looks so pretty and Dean is with his usual casual looks, his leather jacket, his dark green shirt, his black tee, his worn jeans and his boots. Not too much has changed from high school; they are still the boy who looks casual with some rock looks and the boy who despite of wearing some casual clothes, he looks fancy.

“Hello Dean.” Castiel simply says. “Please, come in.” He draws away from the door to let Dean get in the apartment.

Castiel’s apartment is smaller than Dean’s. The living room is on the right side, and the kitchen is on the left side, like Dean’s apartment. The main difference between both apartments, apart from the size, it is that Dean’s has a long hall that leads to the bathroom and the two bedrooms. Castiel’s has a hall, but it is really small and it can be seen that it leads to one bedroom and one bathroom from where Dean stands.

“You can leave your jacket there.” Castiel says pointing a rack. Then he walks towards the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Dean hangs his leather jacket on the rack, next to Castiel’s trench coat. After that, he takes another look to Castiel’s apartment, this time looking with more attention at the place. His eyes focus on the living room, where there are a couple of bookshelves, all replete with books, DVDs and records. There are some paintings hanging from the walls, giving the apartment more color. Cas’ apartment is small, but it looks nice.

When Dean hears Castiel grabbing a bowl, he turns around to look at him. “Do you need help with something?” Dean asks shyly.

“No thanks,” Castiel answers. By his voice, Dean can tell he is a bit tense too. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea. “Do you want something to drink?” He turns his face to look at Dean and he feels something strange running through his body when those baby blues are focused on him.

“Just water,” he says. Castiel nods and he grabs some glasses. He puts water in them and then, he walks towards the living room, more concretely towards Dean and he hands him the glass. “Thanks.” He drinks it to make the uncomfortable dryness of his mouth disappear. The water feels awesome in his mouth and throat.

“You do know you can sit on the couch, right?” He sasses before drinking. The bastard even smirks.

Dean glares him, naturally. “Yeah, I know that, mister sass.” He scoffs. Then, Dean sits down on the left side of the couch and leaves the glass of water on Castiel’s coffee table. Meanwhile, Castiel looks at him with an intrigued sight. “What?”

“Nothing,” he simply says and he leaves the glass of water on the coffee table as well before he walks towards the kitchen the moment the ding from the microwave has sounded.

“I know that look.” Dean says a bit pissed off as he turns his face to look at Castiel. “You do that face every time you are about to say something but you don’t because you don’t think it’s right to say it.” Those words catch Castiel’s attention and he looks at Dean with an arched brow. “So spit it out.”

Castiel makes a grimace and he grabs the bowl with popcorn. He walks towards the couch and he sits down on the right side of the couch, leaving the middle seat empty, only occupied by the bowl. “I was going to say that you have never been good at pretending to be calm in front of me.”

Dean turns his face to look at Castiel, dedicating him a frown and some kind of glare. “Well, you didn’t do well either.” He snaps. Castiel turns his face and gives him a deadly glare. And Dean smirks.

“I forgot what a cocky teaser you were.” He turns his face to look at the screen. With the remote he puts the menu of the DVD, and he clicks the play button.

“I’ve gotten worse.” Dean says with a proud face. And Castiel chuckles. “Why aren’t you calm about this?” He asks turning his face to look at Castiel. “You were the one who suggested this.”

“My ex-boyfriend, who happened to broke up with me on a letter, without saying a proper goodbye or keeping in contact during fifteen years is sitting on my couch and he is about to watch a movie with me,” he says with his usual sass, but this time it isn’t as aggressive as usually. “And why aren’t you calm?”

“Well, my ex-boyfriend, who I broke up with fifteen years ago happens to have called me to come to his house and watch a movie as if nothing have happened in between us during all those years.” He makes a pout after his answer to look at Cas. “We are too fucking weird.”

“Yes, we are,” he says chuckling. And he makes an actual smile, tiny, but there’s a smile. It has been years since Dean last kissed a smile from Cas, but he still remembers what it felt like. “Do you still think this is a terrible idea?” He asks with a serious but a hurt voice.

Dean shrugs. “As long as you don’t start throwing things at me, I guess it’s okay.” He makes a thoughtful pout. Things between them are never going to be completely okay, but Dean lost Cas once; he doesn’t want to lose him twice, even if it means going through this and a hell of more.

“You would deserve it,” he says with a pout too.

“Yeah, I know.” He looks down at his hands and then at the screen. He doesn’t miss Castiel’s intrigued face looking at him. “But don’t,” he suggests with a funny face.

Castiel just makes an acid smile. They don’t say anything else about that topic during the whole movie. They share some words, but all of them have to do with the movie. Surprisingly, it eases the tension in between them, not completely, but quite much. Maybe this wasn’t such a terrible idea as it seemed to be. When there are only ten minutes left for the movie to finish, Dean feels pretty comfortable. He still has that constant warning feeling in his being, but it isn’t as intense as when he walked through that door.

“I really like the photography of this scene.” Dean murmurs when Luke, Leia, C3P0 and R2D2 look at a galaxy through that immense window. “The only one I miss there is Han Solo.”

“Do you still have a crush for Han Solo?” Castiel asks sassily. He presses the stop button and walks towards the DVD player to pick the DVD.

“He’s awesome and you know it.” He shakes his hands to emphasize his words. Castiel smiles as he shakes his head. “Well, I guess I should leave.” Dean comments as he stands up. “This wasn’t as bad as I thought.”

“What did you expect? Me torturing you with knives and stuff like that?” He places the DVD box back on the shelf.

“I didn’t remember you were this sassy.” Dean starts to say as he stretches one of his arms. “You were always sassy, but now, holy shit, you are too fucking sassy.” Castiel was always sassy, but his sass wasn’t as marked and cutting as it is now.

“Time made me bitter.” He makes an unhappy smile and grabs the empty bowl where the popcorn was. Dean grabs the glasses and walks behind Cas, going to the kitchen as well. “You didn’t answer my question of what did you expect from tonight.”

“A lot of arguing, I guess.” He puts the glasses in the sink. Castiel looks at his eyes directly. That stare again; as if he was trying to read through Dean but at the same time, it was as if Cas was trying to hide himself from Dean; he saw that sight during their dinner several times. “I should better leave.” He walks away from the kitchen, going towards where his jacket is waiting for him.

“Dean,” Castiel says. Dean turns around to look at Castiel as he starts to put on his jacket. Castiel is standing next to the sofa, keeping some important distance in between them. “I wouldn’t mind if we repeated this.” He confesses with a harsh voice.

Dean is surprised by that. He arches his eyebrows and he starts to nod his head inadvertently. “I wouldn’t mind either.”

“Good.” Castiel says crossing his arms. “My place or yours?”

“I’ll call you and we’ll decide,” he simply says. He still doesn’t know how he is supposed to react to this. He gropes his jacket’s pockets, a custom he has always had, knowing that all his keys are where they have to be. After that, he walks towards the door and he opens it. “Goodnight, Cas.” He looks back to the blue eyed man.

“Goodnight, Dean.”

Dean closes the door and he exhales sharply after it. He pinches the bridge of his nose and then, he starts to walk downstairs. There’s a strange feeling filling his chest and he isn’t too sure what it is exactly. It is a mixture of so many things and Dean can’t put a name to any of them. This is part of an abstract dream where he doesn’t fully understand what’s going on and much less why.

He is soon in his Impala and he doesn’t start it the moment he is all settled on the seat; he just looks through the windshield, as if he could find the answers from there. After some long minutes, he shakes his head and starts the car, heading to his home. This night was weird, but not bad, still, some odd feeling keeps running inside Dean.

Dean knows himself and he knows too well that he isn’t going to get any sleep tonight because his mind isn’t going to shut up. Awesome.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions :)

The door opens not so long after Dean has rung the doorbell. He is in the outskirts of Berkley, where all those nice houses are. It is a neighborhood where most of the families live. It is quiet and pretty. The whole town is like that but the outskirts are quieter.

“Dean, what are you doing awake this early on a Saturday morning?” Jessica asks really confused and with a sarcastic smile. She is wearing a long sleeve tee and some jeans, looking as nice as always, even if she has some morning hair.

“People say good morning or hello, Jess,” Dean says smirking. He really adores Sam’s wife. He adored her since the first moment he saw her. She was and she is perfect for Sammy.

“Yeah, but you aren’t like that people, are you?” She makes her wonderful and warm smile. “Come in.” She moves away from the door and Dean comes in.

“Is Sam awake?” he asks as he heads towards the kitchen. The sound of someone moving a spoon in a cup comes from the kitchen, so Dean might have gotten his answer before Jessica even answers.

“Yeah,” she says.

“Dean, aren’t you supposed to be sleeping right now?” Sam asks the moment he sees his brother coming into the kitchen. Like Jess, he makes a confused frown and a sarcastic smile. They are perfect for each other. His brother is reading the newspaper as he takes a sip of his coffee, but the newspaper is soon forgotten after Dean’s entrance.

“Do you want something to eat, Dean?” Jess asks when Dean is sitting on a chair in front of his little brother. She places her hand on Dean’s shoulder, giving him a comforting touch.

“Just some toasts, Jess. Thanks,” Dean says. Jess nods and she starts to make him toasts.

Sam gives him that calculative look, trying to know why Dean is there before Dean explains him. “What’s wrong? You have terrible circles around your eyes. Are you suffering from insomnia again?” he asks worried and knitting his eyebrows together.

Dean rubs his face. “It’s not insomnia. My head doesn’t shut up during nights.” Before Sam can say something, dean keeps talking. “It’s about Cas.”

“Your ex-boyfriend?” Jess asks curious as she places a plate with three toasts in front of Dean. She knows the story. Everyone who is important in Dean’s life knows about Castiel.

“He is in Berkeley,” Dean says as he starts to eat one toast. He just had some coffee for breakfast; he wasn’t feeling too well at that time to eat. Dean Winchester never skips a meal, so sooner or later his stomach was going to be grumbling for food.

“Wait, what?” Sam says shocked. “How do you know?”

“His car broke down two weeks ago and he happened to go to Bobby’s garage,” he explains with an acid grimace.

“And what happened?”

“We babbled. Then when he picked up his car I told him to go to the Roadhouse that night so we could talk. It didn’t go well. He didn’t let me explain anything and we were all the time snapping at each other. I gave him my phone number, in case he ever needed to call me and he called me yesterday to watch a movie with him.”

Sam moves his hands wanting Dean to stop talking for a moment. He blinks perplexed and he moves his jaw, as if he wanted to say something but he didn’t know what. He is as confused as Dean is. “So he called you?” he asks puzzled. Dean nods. “After everything?” Dean nods again. “And how did it go?”

“It was a bit awkward and tense, but it didn’t go too bad.” He expected things to go extremely bad. He wasn’t expecting to have a more or less nice night with Cas. “And he even wants to do it again.”

“Is he trying to start over with your relationship?” Jess asks as confused as Sam.

“No, he left that pretty clear. He said that he didn’t want to start over. He just wants us to be friends, because he says that no matter how hard we try, we are still going to be in each other’s lives somehow.” He sighs and rubs his face. He is exhausted. He didn’t sleep at all last night. Maybe an hour, but the rest of the night he overnight in white. Not for a single moment he could stop thinking about Cas.

“Oh crap,” Sam says taking a deep breath. “Are you sure you are gonna be able to just be friends with him? You are still in love with him, Dean. I mean, you didn’t stop loving him since you left.”

“Sam, I already know that.” He doesn’t need that reminder. He feels his eyes getting glassy. He would like to say that it is from exhaustion, but he knows it isn’t. “But I would rather have him as a friend than pull him completely away from my life.” With his hands, he covers his eyes. He rubs his face before he drops his hands to the table. “What do I do to get rid of these feelings?”

“Dean, you spent fifteen years trying to stop feeling things for him,” Sam answers with a devastated face. “Do you think this is a wise decision? You hurt him when you left and you hurt yourself as well, what if you hurt both of you again? I think Cas had enough. And you too.”

“I don’t want to hurt him. Not again,” he says really serious and he feels the urge to cry, but he is going to keep his tears for himself. “I told him; it’s his choice. I already caused him too much pain. And he was right. We can’t just cut ourselves from each other, because every time we do that, we suffer and—” He inhales sharply and he looks down at the toasts.

“Does he know you still love him?” Jess asks with her sweet but concerned voice.

“No. And he mustn’t.” He combs his hair in a weary way. “Maybe one day all those tiny feelings I have left for him disappear.” He is a fool if he believes that.

“You don’t even believe that,” Sam says with a bitch face and then he sighs. “You are playing with fire, Dean.” Sam warns. He makes a sad grimace. “But I’ve got to admit that Cas is right; being separated only brings you pain. Maybe being as friends eases things.” He passes his hand through his long hair. One of these days his hair is going to be longer than Jess’. “But maybe both of you end up hurt again.”

“I don’t know what to do, Sammy.” Dean sighs. “I just want him to be okay. He isn’t the same, he is sad. And I know I’m the reason behind that. If this makes him feel good, I think it’s worth the shot.” He will always try to look like he isn’t still in love with Castiel, but Sam knows it, Dean knows it, even Jess knows it. But Dean must keep his poker face in front of everyone else, to pretend that his broken heart doesn’t belong to Castiel, that there isn’t any feeling left inside him, that everything are ashes.

“But you are going to be hurt every time you are with him, wanting to go back where you left.”

“But I’m the one who ended things up. I might not be able to fix things completely, but I can still fix it.” He aches for going back to when everything was great between he and Cas, but it is too late. Nevertheless, he can still make things right. They are never getting back to where they were, but they can be friends and get that small peace that they both want. “Yeah, I know there’s no coming back to be together, and honestly, I don’t fully want that.” With that last part Sam gives him his sassy warning stare, but Dean ignores it. “But I don’t want to lose him again. We can still be friends.”

Sam makes that ‘I’m not so sure about that’ face and he sighs. Jess, however, looks at him with sad eyes. “He can try,” she says and both brothers look at her. “Sam’s right, this is going to hurt you a lot, but you both can have some happiness back. You won’t know it if you don’t try it.”

Dean makes a tiny smile. “Thanks Jess.”

“If things fuck up, just call me okay?” Sam says really worried. “I don’t want you to go through that pain again.” Sam makes those puppy eyes of his. Dean nods and smiles. Sometimes he forgets that Sam suffered too, not as much as Castiel and Dean did, but he suffered seeing how heartbreaking Dean was during years. Sam helped him a lot, and Dean owes him a lot for that. “Does he really know why you left him?”

“No. He doesn’t want to know it. He says that it is too late for excuses.” He grabs one of the remaining toasts and he eats it. “I can’t blame him for that.”

They don’t talk about Castiel anymore. Their conversation changes the topic suddenly, because the three of them know that there’s nothing more to say about Dean and Castiel, something that Dean really appreciates. They talk about their jobs and about some TV shows and anything that comes to their minds. Anything that helps to make Dean forget about Cas for a while.

In less than an hour Dean leaves the house and drives back to his home. The moment he is there, he goes to his bedroom, grabs his old guitar, sits on the bed and he starts to play. When he is in this mood, sad, confused and without knowing what the hell is going on in his life and with himself, Dean likes to play the guitar. He would do it during the nights he can’t sleep, but he doesn’t want to wake up his neighbors.

The moment he plays the first string, he lets himself go, composing something. He has improved a lot since when he first started, before he even met Castiel. He remembers the first time he showed Castiel his guitar and played something to him. They weren’t together yet. Castiel came to Dean’s home at that time to help him with some math and when they finished their homework, Dean showed him his guitar and played him a couple of easy songs. Castiel loved it and smiled in that happy and shy way of his and he kept asking Dean to play another, even if he had already played it.

Dean would do anything to see that enthusiastic, bright, happy, shy and beautiful smile again.

 

***

 

When Castiel doesn’t have work to do and his mind doesn’t shut up, he likes to take long walks; even if the weather isn’t too inviting. When he needs to walk, he walks; no matter if it is sunny or raining. And right now he needs to walk. It is a lovely Saturday evening, even if the temperature it’s starting to be really low. But that can be solved by wearing thick layers of clothes and his trench coat.

His thoughts are still about the same; Dean. Was there a time when they weren’t about that green eyed man? He knows that when they were together, he thought about him, but not as continuously as now. He managed to reduce his thoughts about him; there were days when he didn’t even think about Dean, glorious days where he had the peace his soul had been seeking. But since he run into him, his mind hasn’t shut up about Dean for a single day. Truth be told is that he manages to stop thinking about Dean, but not as much as he desires.

Castiel keeps walking through the streets, hoping that he will eventually have some peace of mind. At least things went pretty good last night. It wasn’t perfect, but anything could have been wrong. He knew that it was going to be awkward and tense, but he was glad to find that things didn’t go wrong. By the end of the movie, both of them were calmed and more relaxed. And Dean agreed to repeat it. That’s good. Maybe one day, everything will be good and no one of them will be in pain.

He walks and he walks, without caring how far he is from home. He wants to walk. It isn’t the first time he walks through the streets of Berkeley. Castiel has a rule; every time he moves to a new town of city, he must know almost every street because he likes to walk and he doesn’t want to get lost. He wants to know perfectly how to walk back home, even if he ends up in the opposite side of the town. He has a great memory, and with just making a two of three references from a place, he knows where he is and how he can get back home.

Suddenly, he spots in the distance someone that he knows. Of course that it had to be Dean. Castiel doesn’t believe in destiny or luck, but he is starting to think that the world is trying to push him towards him. What were the chances of finding him again? From all the streets he could have walked through, Castiel decided to go through this and Dean has to be on it.

Even when he tries to do anything to just forget him, Dean keeps appearing. But this time Dean isn’t acknowledged of his presence. Dean is carrying a lot of plastic bags; he has just come out of the supermarket. He looks pretty with that leather jacket and those worn jeans. Dean has always looked extremely handsome with anything. He can still leave Castiel breathless with just looking at him. He definitely shouldn’t think about that. He isn’t going to deny that Dean is extremely attractive, but he must shut down any desire or attraction directed towards Dean.

Dean leaves the three plastic bags he was holding on his right hand to leave them on the sidewalk, just to search for something into the inner pockets of his jacket. Castiel decides to approach him. Maybe Dean doesn’t notice him at all, but maybe he does, so he better simply show up and help him with those plastic bags. Why does he keep going towards him? He can’t explain it. He might not even want any explanation.

“Need some help?” Castiel asks looking at Dean.

Dean turns his face, shocked. He definitely wasn’t expecting to find Castiel in this part of the town. “Cas, what are you doing here?” he asks confused.

“I was taking a walk and I saw you,” he says casually and shrugging.

“Are you stalking me or what?” he asks with that cocky smirk of his as he keeps looking into his pockets. He seems to find it and Castiel sees that what Dean was looking for was his keys.

“I don’t even know where you live, how could I stalk you?” He snaps. Dean was always a teasing cocky guy, and it seems that has only increased.

“Dunno. Maybe you followed me.” Again, he makes that same smirk. Castiel just scowls at him. “Just grab those plastic bags, please.” Now Dean sounds even nice and glad. Castiel does it and they cross the street. “Thanks for the help, by the way.” Dean thanks. Castiel can even see a slight blush making its way to Dean’s cheeks.

“You are welcome,” he says blushing a little as well. Why is he blushing? That can’t happen. Blushing in front of Dean was something that happened a long time ago, when things were perfect in between them. Now, it is absolutely not perfect. They are trying to be just friends, so blushing should be forbidden for him.

They stop in front of one apartment building and Dean pushed the door, holding it so Castiel can pass without difficulties. After that, Dean walks towards the elevator and calls it. They don’t have to wait for too long. Dean lives in the fourth floor. The elevator stops when it reaches that floor, making a ding sound. They get out from it and Dean walks towards the left side. He opens the door and gets in, followed by Castiel.

Dean’s apartment is bigger than Castiel. The living room and the kitchen are twice bigger than Castiel’s. The living room is full with bookshelves that don’t leave any piece of the wall to be seen. Dean has a lot of books, a lot of records and a lot of DVDs on those shelves. There are some photos as well, and some figures from movies and TV shows and tiny guitars. There’s a couch, a television and a coffee table, and there’s a small table with a lamp and a phone on it. He must admit that he likes Dean’s living room.

He walks towards the kitchen, and he finds Dean looking at him with an arched brow. “Examining my place?” Dean asks with a teasing voice.

“As if you didn’t do the same with mine yesterday,” Castiel says with a challenging grin. He places the plastic bags on the big table in the middle of the kitchen like Dean did.

“Touché,” Dean smiles. He starts to pick the groceries from one of the plastic bags. “I was surprised to find out that your apartment was small.”

“Did you expect me to be living in a castle?” he inquires as he mirrors Dean’s actions. He doesn’t know where Dean keeps all that stuff, so he just leaves them on the table. Dean will grab them later and place them where he wants to.

Dean laughs. “No. But I don’t know.” He shrugs as he opens one of the cupboards and places the flour and the sugar in there.

“I don’t need more space,” he says careless. “This place seems too big for just one living.”

“Yeah, well, Sam heard of this place that was a bargain and I bought it. Big, cheap and not too far from work; it was perfect.” He grabs the macaroni Castiel left on the table and he walk towards another cupboard. “I’ve been here since I was twenty four.”

“That’s a lot.”

“Yeah.”

How can this feel so natural? The two of them putting groceries where they belong to. Although Castiel leaves them on the table because he doesn’t know where Dean wants them, but this feels good. Castiel can’t help wondering if this is what would have happened in their future if Dean never left. Probably. But it would be happier, with both of them laughing, happy and Dean stealing kisses from Castiel, making him blush.

It would have been something wonderful. Part of him wants to have that happiness, but it is too late for that. He wants to be happy like that, but not with Dean. It will never be like that with Dean. He hopes that a day will come and Castiel will find someone who makes him as happy as Dean made him, as Dean was supposed to make him if they never broke up. Castiel has tried, but he wasn’t able to be with someone more than one night. No one of those men he has slept with made him feel like Dean did. Dean and he never had sex, but still, nothing felt as good as those handjobs in the alley with all those heated kisses they shared. The last time he had sex was almost ten years ago. Nobody has made him desire sex, so Castiel stopped trying.

“Well, thanks for the help,” Dean says once everything is in its place.

“My pleasure,” Castiel says nodding.

Before Castiel can walk towards the door, Dean speaks. “Cas.” With that, Castiel turns over, to look at Dean. “Do you wanna stay for dinner?” he asks shyly.

“Thanks for the offer Dean, but I would like to keep with my walk,” he says politely.

“Okay,” Dean says nodding and making a tiny polite smile. “See you.” He turns over to do something on the sink, avoiding Castiel’s eyes, trying to distract himself.

“See you, Dean.”

Castiel leaves Dean’s apartment and after going downstairs, he is back to the street and he keeps walking. His heart is beating fast in his chest but he ignores it. He convinces himself that it is because seeing Dean after so many years brings too many memories back; good and bad ones. And he is still trying to process the fact that Dean lives in the same town he lives in, that they are seeing each other. Part of him is relieved and part of him is hurt. But it has always been like this with Dean, right? The moment he saw that boy in high school, everything became confusing. But there was a time when nothing was confusing anymore, when he was sure about how much he loved Dean and how much he wanted to be with him. Guess time proved he was wrong.

He keeps walking until he decides to walk back home. He avoids walking through the street where Dean’s apartment is. He will avoid it from now on whenever he needs to walk to clear his thoughts.

He is back home soon and he makes his supper; salad with lettuce, tomatoes, green olives and pinions. He isn’t a great chef, but salads are his strong point.

Once he finishes supper and he has brushed his teeth, he goes to his bedroom. He changes his pants for his pajamas’ ones and keeps the light grey tee he was wearing. He grabs one of those many books he has, without looking at it. When he reads in bed, he always picks one book, without looking at the title, just picking a random book. Tonight, he is going to read _Macbeth_.

He gets in his comfortable and warm bed, covering himself from chest down, bending his knees so he can rest the book on them. Usually, he takes a lot of pleasure on reading like this, but tonight reading seems to be a difficult task. So after some minutes, he gets out of bed and leaves the book back in its place. Frustrated, he removes the curtain from the small window and looks at the town. Night has arrived and the lights from the buildings and the streetlights alter the picture from the day.

Castiel wonders if Dean is having trouble to get him out of his mind tonight. Castiel presses his forehead against the cold glass of the window and he sighs. He looks at his wardrobe as he chews his bottom lip in a guilty way. He decides to go towards it and open its doors. He sits on the floor, feeling the carpet under his bare feet. He knows what he is looking for and where it is. It is a box that he always keeps in one of the drawers of his wardrobe. It has always been like that.

With shaking hands, he opens the box and a photo of he and Dean smiling that Sam took is the first thing the hidden box reveals. 

 

_____

 

_February 1999_

 

Although spring was more than a month away before it came, February arrived warmer than usually. There were cold days, but that Thursday evening was warm and nice. The sun shone bright in the sky and the breeze caressed their faces in a gentle and warm way. Dean and Castiel were in the backyard of what at that year was the Winchester’s house. After doing math homework together, they sat on the grass and Dean grabbed his guitar and started to play some songs. Dean just knew the basic things to play the guitar, but it sounded wonderful and perfect.

“I still have to practice,” Dean said blushing slightly and smiling happily. He always loved to see how really happy Castiel was when Dean played with his guitar. “I still suck at this.”

“You suck? Have you actually listened to your music? It is wonderful, Dean.” Castiel said with a proud and happy face. “Okay, you might not know everything, but for now, you play the guitar almost perfectly.”

“You overrate me.”

“I don’t.” He truly wasn’t overrating him. Dean just started to play the guitar and he was incredibly. A couple more of years of practicing and Castiel was sure he would become a great guitar player. “If you keep being this good, you are going to be one of the greatest guitarists in the world.”

“Now you are more than overrating me.” Dean laughed. It was a beautiful laugh and it was contagious. It didn’t take too long for Dean to lean and kiss Castiel. John wasn’t there and he wouldn’t be until almost midnight, so they could kiss freely. The kiss was gentle but happy, and Castiel hummed into it. “I love you.” Dean smiled at those words. He always did when he said them. And so Castiel did.

“I love you too,” Castiel said before leaning to kiss him.

The sudden light of a flash and its sound made them move away and stare. Sam was grinning and holding a camera. “Sam!” Dean exclaimed as he blushed. Sam knew about Dean and Castiel’s relationship, but Dean always blushed when his little brother caught him kissing Castiel. The youngest Winchester always smiled, showing how happy he was about their relationship.

“You don’t have any photo together!” Sam said with puppy eyes. “And I think this is the right time for that.”

“He’s right,” Castiel said smiling and looking at Dean.

Dean quirked an eyebrow and looked at Sam and Castiel. “You better take awesome photos of us, Sammy,” He said chuckling.

Sam smiled and started to take a lot of photos of Dean and Castiel. Kissing, hugging, looking at each other, smiling, laughing, doing stupid faces… Even they took a couple of them with Sam in the middle. The afternoon passed happily and quickly.

 

_____

 

And the one Castiel is holding in his hands has always been his favorite; it’s just Dean and he, looking at each other and smiling brightly and happily. It was because Dean said something stupid but funny. They were so happy that day, and every day that they were together. He remembers when Dean came to high school with that photo and gave it to Castiel.

Castiel takes a deep breath and turns the photo, looking at the dedicatory written on the back of it.

_To my beloved angel, who always gives me a reason to smile. Dean Winchester, your sun and star._

Castiel has tried to destroy this photo countless times, he has cried in front of that photo until he didn’t have more tears left, but it is the last remaining of a wonderful and happy past. It is true that Dean caused him an infinity pain, but before that, Dean made him feel happier than ever. Maybe one day he will be able to look at that photo and don’t miss any part of it. He has never achieved that yet. He has tried, but he wasn’t able to do such thing. At least now he doesn’t cry in front of that photo.

He turns the photo again, to look at those happy teenagers. It is odd to think that he and Dean are the boys from that photo. What happened to those happy boys? They got lost in the dark pit of pain and sadness. The men both of them became are just a shadow of those happy boys who were so deeply in love with each other.

Castiel saves the photography in the box again, and then he saves the box in the drawer of the wardrobe. When he closes its door, Castiel’s eyes close, as if his eyelids were too heavy. He takes a deep breath, trying to ease the emotions he is feeling. He wants to hate Dean for everything, but he has tried and failed. Still, there’s anger in his heart but he wants to replace all that pain and rage for some peace. He has to try and make things better. Dean and he can be friends. They can. It’s just a matter of time. Time will tell. Time can heal.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions :)

A month has passed since Dean and Castiel started to watch movies together every Friday night. Things seem to have gotten a bit better; at least there isn’t that cutting tension in between them anymore and Dean is glad about it. His mind has started to get quieter; he still has some thoughts that some nights don’t leave him alone, but fortunately it just happens a couple of times, not as constant as it used to.

But he still wishes he and Castiel could go back to their relationship. He knows he will always want that and that they won’t have it, but his heart keeps aching for that. At least he and Cas are starting to get better and the pain in Dean’s heart is easier to carry. He has wished to see that angel face for so many years and now he can see Cas again. It’s more than he deserves and he is grateful. Yes, he is still in love with him, yes, he really wishes he could be his boyfriend again, yes, his heart sometimes aches too much, but he must admit that although he can’t have Castiel how he used to, there’s some tiny happiness making its way into him. That’s more than Dean thought he would have.

The doorbell of Dean’s apartment rings and Dean walks towards the door to open it finding Castiel behind it. His heart skips a beat when he sees Castiel, as gorgeous as always. Dean makes a not too wide smile, just to avoid being too obvious; he doesn’t want Cas to find out that he is still in love with him. Cas deserves his happiness and Dean can’t give him that. But he can give him some peace of mind while they are friends.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean says drawing himself away from the door so Castiel can get into his apartment.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel greets with a politely smile. He gets in and takes off his trench coat and scarf, hanging them on the rack. “Smells really good; like always,” he murmurs as he looks at Dean, who is now in the kitchen.

Dean has found out that Castiel likes the food he cooks. Every time Castiel comes to his apartment, Dean always cooks something; pasta, sandwiches or burgers. Sometimes they order a pizza, or Chinese food, but that’s mostly when they are at Castiel’s apartment. Although they love popcorn while they are watching a movie, they are now having dinner, because for both of them, every time they meet to watch a film, it is about suppertime, so they just eat whatever Dean cooks or Castiel orders.

Tonight Dean has cooked some pasta with his own homemade tomato sauce and with some grilled cheese on the top of it. It really smells delicious for him, and it seems that it does for Castiel too by the pleased face he is making. Dean can’t help imagining that if things in between them never fell apart, Castiel would be now in the kitchen with Dean, with his arms around his waist, kissing him and praising Dean’s cooking. It hurts to know that Dean is responsible of the inexistence of that reality.

Castiel approaches the kitchen and he props on his elbows, resting them on the kitchen table. “Will it take too long? Because I’m dying to eat that pasta,” Castiel says with an excited voice.

Dean smiles shyly. “Just a few minutes,” he answers as he looks at the oven where the two bowls of pasta are. The cheese isn’t fully grilled, so they will have to wait a bit. Castiel pouts and Dean chuckles. “Can’t you wait for two minutes?”

“Not with this wonderful overwhelming smell.” He sasses. Dean shakes his head and chuckles. “Seriously, you are a great chef. I think that I’m coming to your house for the food instead for the movies.”

“It’s good to know that I give you a good reason to come here,” he says with sarcasm and Castiel makes that typical sassy face of his.

“You know what I meant.”

Dean smirks and squeezes his nose. “Yeah, but I like teasing you.” He shows his back to Castiel so he can open the oven and take the bowls with pasta. The hot steam comes out, filling the kitchen with an intense smell of pasta, tomato and cheese.

“You have always liked to tease me,” Castiel murmurs with a hurt voice. Those words are like knives that stab Dean.

Dean tries not to get too affected by those words; they are just words, nothing else, so he acts casually and he puts the bowls on the counter, being very careful not to burn his hands and he turns off the oven after closing its door. His heart is beating painfully against his chest and he tries to take small breaths to ease this pressure that it is trapping his chest.

“Careful,” Dean says putting Castiel’s bowl on the kitchen table. “It is burning,” he says casually, as if he hadn’t heard Castiel’s previous words. But he can see a bit of hurt in those baby blues. Everything has been quite good in between them, but there’s always a moment when someone of them says something and it devastates them. Still, they ignore those moments and keep going on with the night.

“It looks delicious,” Castiel says with a tiny honest smile. “And I bet it will be delicious.” He adds as he picks the fork Dean is handing him. “Thank you.”

They walk towards the couch, both of them holding the burning bowls. They walk really fast so they can leave them on the coffee table. Before Dean reaches the remote to start _The Dark Knight_ , Castiel is already grabbing with the fork some pasta and eating it. He makes a pleased sound that sounds a bit like a moan, and Dean can’t help the smile that makes its way into his lips and the happiness and pride he feels.

“Delicious?” Dean asks in a teasing way.

“Extraordinarily delicious,” Castiel says after swallowing. He is also smiling. “You are really talented. I’m in love with your food,” he comments. Then, both of them blush, freezing a little in their seats. “I shouldn’t have said that, right?”

“Right,” Dean says feeling hotter and awkward. They look at each other really uncomfortable. Dean turns his face to the television and he clears his throat. “I’m gonna start the movie.”

“Yes, good idea.” He sounds really embarrassed and even angry with himself.

“If you want to have a moment with the bowl of pasta, you can go to the guests’ bedroom.” Dean suggests in a joking way. He knows that making stupid jokes eases things when something awkward happens in between them.

Castiel glares him and Dean swears he can feel that intense glare on his skin. “You are unbelievable.” He grabs the bowl of pasta and he starts to eat.

“You are the one who confessed his feelings for the food. I wouldn’t blame you if you want to take the next step with it.” He knows he is a bit nervous and that he might not be saying the best thing right now, that he should probably shut up instead of trying to ease things by joking. But that’s how Dean Winchester rolls; until he has done something, he never realizes he has screwed it up.

“It’s your fault. If you didn’t cook this wonderful I wouldn’t have said anything,” he snaps.

“Always saying that everything is my fault,” he snaps too.

Castiel turns his face to Dean, whose eyes are fixed on the screen, but he can see from the corner of his eye that Cas is really pissed off. “Do you really want to talk about that right now?”

Dean turns his face. “No.”

“Good, because I don’t want either.” He sounds really furious but Dean can detect a note of pain in his voice. “Let’s just watch the movie, shall we?” He turns his face to avoid Dean’s inquiring eyes.

Dean sighs and watches the movie as he eats his pasta. He wonders how they can still be doing this. They haven’t missed a single Friday night to do this. It is obvious that both of them are resented from the past. Dean wants to explain Castiel everything, but Castiel doesn’t want to. Dean knows that things won’t change even if he explains the blue eyed man everything, but still, he wants him to know and to understand. But that will never happen.

What are they doing? They can’t be together but they can’t be separated either. What is wrong with them? Dean doesn’t know and he will never know. He suspects that he still wants to see Cas because he is still in love with him. He has tried to suppress his feelings, but it hasn’t done any progress. But why does Cas still want to see him? Dean must admit that it is his fault that everything fell apart and that he hurt Castiel more than anyone, thus, why Cas still wants to see him after everything? Dean doesn’t understand it. Cas isn’t in love with him anymore, so what is it?

“Not everything is your fault, Dean,” Castiel murmurs after a while. All the pasta from his bowl is no longer there and he places the empty bowl on the coffee table. He looks at Dean, who looks at him back with a confused frown. “And I don’t blame you for everything either.”

“I thought you said you didn’t want to talk about that,” Dean says resented.

“And I still don’t. I just wanted to leave things clear.” He turns his face to the TV screen again.

“Whatever Cas,” Dean says as he leaves the empty bowl on the coffee table too. He really doesn’t want to talk about feelings or things from their past. He only wants to watch the movie, without feeling like shit or hurt.

The rest of the movie is spent in complete silence. Neither of them comments anything. Usually they usually remark some things about the movie or they give their opinion, but tonight they just remain in silence. Dean leaves his mind in blank, only focusing on the film, although there’s a moment when he isn’t paying attention to it anymore; he just stares at the screen without caring what happens.

When the movie is over, Dean stops it and rubs his face as he grunts. He takes a deep breath and stands up to pick up the DVD. He knows that Castiel is looking at him, but Dean doesn’t want to know what kind of look his ex-boyfriend is giving to him. He walks towards the shelf to place the movie on its place. When he turns around, Castiel is already standing up and picking the bowls and the forks.

“You don’t have to—” Dean starts to say.

“I want to,” Castiel says shyly but serious. He walks towards the kitchen and Dean follows him. Castiel leaves the bowls in the sink and he looks down at them for some long moments. Dean watches him as he stands next to him. Castiel takes a deep breath and he doesn’t meet Dean’s eyes.

“What’s wrong Cas?” Dean asks in a soft voice.

“It’s nothing.”

Dean puffs. “Fifteen years and you can’t look into my eyes when you lie to me.” Finally Castiel looks at him, this time in a nostalgic way. “Talk to me.”

Castiel chuckles in an acid way and he looks away from Dean’s eyes. He grimaces and Dean can see his eyes are getting a bit glassy. “I—” But someone knocks on the door and Castiel doesn’t go on. Dean turns to look at the door and then he looks at Castiel again. “You should better check who must be.”

“Yeah,” Dean says hating to leave without knowing what Castiel was about to say. He walks towards the door and he opens it. “Hey, Charlie.”

“Please, tell me that you have flour,” Charlie says in a desperate voice.

“Yeah, how much do you need?” Dean says walking towards the kitchen.

“A kilo,” she says as she gets into the apartment. “Oh, hi!” she greets to Castiel in a happy way.

“Hello,” Castiel greets shyly and Dean thinks it is really cute.

“You guys were in a middle of a date and I interrupted?” Charlie asks with regret as she walks towards the kitchen, making a guilty face.

“No, we weren’t,” Dean and Castiel say at the same time and hurriedly. Even both of them sound a bit pissed about Charlie’s assumption.

Dean doesn’t miss the suspicious look his friend and neighbor give to both of them. “Okay,” she says trying to sound casually. She offers her hand to Castiel. “By the way, I’m Charlie. I live in the opposite door and I’m Dean’s friend.”

“I’m Castiel, nice to meet you,” Castiel says shaking her hand and sounding really nice and polite.

“Wait,” Charlie says looking at Dean, who is handing her the flour. Dean knew that his friend was going to know about this sooner or later. “This is the famous Castiel?” She switches her sight from Dean and Castiel quickly and repeatedly. Dean feels how his face is heating up as the blush starts to appear in his face. Castiel, meanwhile, looks at Dean’s ginger friend with a confused frown. Of course that she knows about Cas; Dean told her about him one night he was having a really terrible weak and he was a bit drunk at Charlie’s apartment. “The guy you were so deeply in love and—?”

“Charlie,” Dean says with a warning glare. He doesn’t want her to talk more than she should.

Charlie just nods and makes a sorry face to Dean before she grabs the flour, releasing Castiel’s hand. Then, she looks at Castiel. “He has told me a lot about you.” She sounds like a fan who has met her idol and Dean is feeling more embarrassed as time passes. Charlie is one of his best friends and she is awesome, but she is so awkward sometimes, like right now, and Dean doesn’t mind it, but not with Cas. “You are as dreamy as I hoped.”

“I—” Castiel starts to babble. He looks at Dean, who is looking down and wishing he could disappear right now. “Thank you,” He finally says, sounding confused and timid.

“Well, thanks for the flour,” Charlie starts to say awkwardly as she heads the door. “Nice to meet you Cas,” she says pointing with her index finger at the blue eyed man and making a dorky smile. When she looks at Dean, he makes sure to give her a deadly look that means ‘you are going to pay me this.’ “We’ll talk Dean. Bye.”

When Charlie has closed the door, Dean and Castiel are looking at it. Dean tilts his head down as Castiel turns his face to look at him. “Dreamy?”

“That’s hers, I swear,” Dean says rising his head and shaking it nervously. Castiel arches one eyebrow and gives him a sassy smile. “I’m gonna kill her.”

Castiel chuckles. “I like her. She makes you all awkward and blushed.”

Naturally, Dean blushes even more. “And you love that, don’t you?” he says with a bitch face. Castiel smiles and nods. It makes Dean to smile too. “It’s been an awkward night.”

“Absolutely.”

“Hey, what were you gonna tell me before Charlie interrupted us?” Dean asks curious and worried.

“Never mind,” he says smiling, but Dean knows it is a forced one. He wishes Cas could talk to him, tell him what’s wrong, but Cas is shutting himself off, like Dean always does and he understands him. “Let me help you with this,” he says as he goes towards the sink.

Dean washes and Castiel dries. It doesn’t take them too long. Once everything is washed, dried and in its respective place, Castiel starts to put on his trench coat and scarf. “So we are doing this next week again, or…?” Dean starts to ask awkwardly. He places his hands in his pockets and shrugs, unsure about what Cas’ response will be.

“Yes, Dean, we are repeating next week,” he says with a charming smile.

Dean arches both eyebrows in surprise. “Oh. Good. Good.” He nods and makes a happy pout.

“You weren’t this awkward when you were a teenager,” Castiel comments with sass and looking at him with bright eyes.

“That’s because we were dating and I had to keep my badass reputation,” Dean says cockily. Castiel smiles and it is beautiful. Dean knows that this is the first time Castiel has smiled properly. It isn’t forced or tiny or sassy, it is an actual smile and it warms Dean’s heart, making him to smile as well. “But I was always awkward.”

Castiel looks down, as if he wanted to hide that beautiful smile from Dean. “Awkwardness suits you.” He recognizes. He tilts his head up, making visible the slight blush on his cheeks. “See you next week.”

“See you, Cas. Goodnight.”

Castiel smiles at him again before he opens the door. “Goodnight, Dean.”

Dean watches how Castiel closes the door and then he waits a few minutes, until he thinks that Castiel has left the building, and he opens the door and walks the distance that separates Charlie’s apartment from his and he gets into her apartment, making Charlie to give him a curious look.

“I’m gonna kill you,” Dean says pissed off.

“I’m sorry,” Charlie begins to say as she moves the dough she has in a bowl with a wooden spoon. “I wasn’t expecting to meet the famous Castiel, the famous love of your life and I reacted in an awkward way.” She sounds really regretful. “I didn’t screw up anything, right?” she asks worried.

“No. No you didn’t.” He sighs. “What are you baking at ten p.m.?” he asks confused.

“Muffins. Tomorrow it’s my boss’ birthday and everyone has to bring something for him,” she explains annoyed. “Would you help me? You are the kitchen king.”

“Okay,” Dean says as she approaches her and grabs the bowl and starts to mix the dough properly.

“So, tell me how is it that the love of your life was on a Friday night in your apartment?” she asks with a curious and a bit sassy voice. Dean was wondering when his friend was going to make that question. Dean sighs and he starts to tell Charlie everything.

She is his best friend, they have known each other for years, since Dean moved out and they started a friendship. He explains her everything that has happened since Castiel came to the garage to fix his car. He ends up talking when they are putting the muffins’ dough into the molds.

“And you are completely fine about this?” she asks worried.

“Yeah. We seem to be good,” Dean answers casually.

“Don’t bullshit me, Winchester.” She sounds a bit pissed off. “That guy was the love of your life and I can see that Castiel hasn’t stopped being that for a single second during your life. You sure you are okay?”

Dean is starting to get tired of hearing that question. No, he isn’t completely okay; he is still in love with the man he broke his heart years ago, a man that will never go back with him because Dean hurt him. But at least Dean can have Castiel as a friend. He needs him in his life, and this is the most he will ever get, he is more than fine with it. Sure that he wants more, but that’s impossible. He is grateful for at least having Cas back in his life.

Charlie sighs and gets the tray with the muffins in the oven. “Your silence says more than actual words.” She squeezes Dean’s shoulder and she gives him a comforting smile. “I get it. You still want him in your life, but for how long do you think you will be able to keep yourself together?”

“I’m an expert on that Charlie. I’ve done that for fifteen years,” Dean says with a painful smile.

“You are a masochist,” she says rolling her eyes. “And really stubborn too.” She dedicates him a sarcastic smile that makes Dean to smile. “Do you really think that’s gonna work?”

“Yeah, I think so,” he says convinced. He had his doubts at first, but right now, even if sometimes he and Castiel fight, he thinks this can work. “I want it to work and Cas wants it too.” He adds shrugging. “We have tried to pull ourselves away from each other; it doesn’t work. This seems to work.”

Charlie makes that soft, warm smile of hers. “You better keep me informed about it, Dean,” she says smirking.

Dean rolls his eyes in an exasperated way. “You are so gossip.”

Charlie punches his arm and Dean laughs. “And you are an idiot.”

“I should better leave, I need some sleep. Don’t burn the muffins,” Dean says as he walks towards the door.

“If some black smoke comes to your apartment, you better run up here,” she teases.

Dean laughs and waves his hand to his friend before he closes the door and goes towards his apartment. He goes directly to his bedroom and he starts to take off his clothes, except his underwear and t-shirt. He puts on some sweatpants, and switches off the lights. Before he gets in the bed, he looks through the window and watches the city, covered by the darkness of the night and fighting against it with the colorful lights from the buildings.

His eyes wander through the different buildings. Castiel’s apartment can’t be seen from here. Dean wonders if he has arrived home yet and if he has done so already, what is he doing. He takes another quick look to the city as he touches his chest, where his heart is, where the star circled with a sun is tattooed, feeling the fabric of his t-shirt as he fists it.

 

_____

 

_May 2007_

 

It was night in Berkeley. It was a Saturday night and he was leaving the bar he spent most of the night in, all alone. He had sex in the bathroom of that bar with some pretty girl with beautiful black long hair and brown eyes. She was hot, really hot, but during all the time Dean was fucking her in the bathroom, he could only picture Castiel. It was the same old thing it had been happening for years, since he left Castiel. Dean had been trying to find someone to touch, to kiss, to fuck that made him forget Castiel. But that never happened.

He wasn’t drunk that night; he just drank o couple of beers. He had tried to forget that lovely blue eyed angel he loved in so many ways, and he drown his pain in alcohol, but every time Dean felt he was starting to get drunk, the memory of his father coming back home all drunk and aggressive, made Dean stop. He would rather put up with the unbearable pain in his heart from a lost love than become an alcoholic like John did. Dean only drank a couple of beers and stopped when he started to feel a bit tipsy.

He was coming home, to that apartment he bought a couple of months ago. He walked through the streets of Berkeley, all darkened by the night and only lighted by the streetlights and the weak moonlight, all by himself, all alone, with his broken heart. Eight years had passed since he left Castiel and Dean couldn’t forget him. He tried really hard, but he couldn’t. He tried to fool himself; he told himself that time could heal him, but it was never like that. His heart still belonged to Cas, and he knew that it would always belong to him.

As Dean walked through the streets, he spotted a tattoo studio. Without thinking it twice, he got into it and told the tattooist that he wanted to get tattooed a star and a sun around it. Castiel used to call him his sun and star. Dean always found it the cheesiest thing ever, but after calling Cas angel by accident and jokingly, Cas decided to call Dean that. Eventually, they called each other those things when they were alone and those nicknames got stuck with them.

Dean was conscious about what he was about to do. He was tipsy, but he was still sure about his actions. He wanted that tattoo; he wanted something that reminded him that he used to have an unbroken heart and that there was someone who could see the goodness in Dean when no one else could. He wanted something that he could carry with himself and didn’t cause him pain at all, something that brought back the happiness that he used to feel with Castiel.

After the tattooist drew a couple of sketches, Dean choose the one he liked most and he got it tattooed. The next morning, when he went to take a shower, he looked at the tattooed and he made a nostalgic smile. He didn’t regret that tattoo at all.

 

_____

 

He feels how his heart beats and he closes his eyes, letting out a chocked breath, sounding more like a sob than what it really is. One day, his heart will stop aching, until then, he will keep going, like he has always done.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the comments, the bookmarks and the subscriptions :)

“Dean, Dean?” Gabriel asks perplexed. “Dean Winchester? _That_ Dean?!” He sounds scandalized by it. Gabriel and Castiel are having lunch at the Roadhouse. His older brother was in town and decided to pay a visit to his little brother Castiel. He usually does that once a month, whenever Gabriel is free. “Your boy toy?”

“He wasn’t my boy toy,” Castiel says scowling. He shakes his head in an unbelief way; Gabriel has always been like that, a goofy, sassy and sarcastic guy. “And yes, that Dean. The one who used to be my boyfriend.”

Gabriel blinks several times in a short period of time. He opens his jaw to say something but he closes it. Then he opens it again. “Okay, let me get this straight. Dean Winchester, the guy who broke your heart and left with just a stupid letter is in this town and you two are seeing each other as like good old friends?”

“We aren’t good old friends,” he rectifies. They are just starting to be friends, but there’s a whole long path to walk through until they are completely friends. They have made some progress, but there are so many things left to do. “We are trying to be friends.”

“You are kidding me.” He makes his sassiest face. Castiel sometimes feels that he is only some amateur in sass when he is compared to Gabriel. Maybe that’s the reason why Castiel has always been sassy, because he grew up with the king of sass. “Trying to be friends? Have you lost your mind? That guy was like your charm prince, the love of your life! Cas, you were so deeply, and I must add cloyingly,” Castiel rolls his eyes with that word. “In love with that guy! You two have a painful past and now everything is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows?! I don’t buy it.”

“Of course that it isn’t sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,” he says a bit disturbed. If things were like that, he and Dean wouldn’t be trying to be friend, they would try to get back where they left. Thankfully, things aren’t like Gabriel says. “And it was never like that.” His big brother gives him that sassy and questioning look.

Gabriel approved Castiel’s relationship with Dean, although Gabriel wasn’t very fond on Dean. But as long as Dean didn’t hurt him, Gabriel was okay with him. When Dean left, Castiel felt worse than hell and shit, and his big brother suffered a lot. Gabriel was the one who helped him is his weakest moments. It is obvious that his brother hasn’t forgiven Dean and he doesn’t want to see Castiel suffer again, but Castiel is really convinced that this thing he and Dean are trying can actually work. It is working for now.

Gabriel rubs his eyes and then, he combs his hair with gel, showing his exasperation. “Have you forgotten what that guy caused to you when he left?”

“Not at all. I will never forget that.” It is a pain that he will have to carry with himself all his life, even if he and Dean finally manage to be friends. The pain won’t be that intense by then, but it will still be there.

“Then why are you doing that? Seeing him again? Do you want old wounds to open up again?”

“I’ve tried everything, Gabriel, you know I did,” he begins to say with a heartbreaking voice. In those golden eyes of his brother he can see his concern. “And both of us have come to the realization that a closure isn’t going to happen. The romantic relationship in between us is over, but the rest isn’t.” He has spent so many years thinking about those things and even more since he ran into Dean in the garage. “Trying to be friends with Dean is for now, the best option. It isn’t as painful as walking away from him. There will be always something trying to bring me back to him, avoiding me to forget him completely. I’m really tired of trying to remove him from my life, and this thing we are trying is working so far.”

But Gabriel still gives him that look that means he doesn’t approve it. “Does he want to get you back together?”

“No,” he says. Dean told him that. If he wanted, Dean would have done anything already to recover Castiel’s heart. “And I don’t want too, either.”

“Does he know about your—?”

“No,” Castiel says. He knows what Gabriel meant. “I don’t want him to know about it or see it.”

Gabriel takes a deep breath and he grabs one onion ring, looking at it as if it was the most fascinating thing before he puts it in his mouth and starts to chew it. “I think you need someone else in your life, little bro.”

“As if that worked properly ever,” he murmurs devastated. He has tried to be with different guys, but it was all one night stands. He has tried to find someone to be in a relationship with, but he never found the right person. It didn’t matter who he was having sex with, he always saw Dean, even if the man didn’t look at all like Dean. He gave up trying to find comfort with strangers and Castiel stopped looking for a relationship or sex.

“You want to know the real problem?” Gabriel asks with a bossy voice. He always uses that tone when he is playing the big brother seriously. “That you never forgot him. It’s been fifteen years, Cas. I think it is time to move on.”

“I moved on years ago.” Not completely, he must add. But he is going to save that part to himself.

“Yeah, of course,” he says with a wicked smile. “We both know you didn’t. You might not love him, but you still need him.” And Castiel knows that his brother is right. “But it’s your life, do whatever you want. If you take Dean out of it, you didn’t do bad.” He makes a tiny proud smile. Castiel chuckles and looks away shyly from his brother’s face, staring at the window of the Roadhouse. “But I just want you to be okay, Cas.” His voice sounds hurt and worried, and unfortunately, Castiel has heard that voice like that too many times, and most of them because of him. The blue eyed man meets the golden eyes. “You haven’t been happy since Dean left.”

“I know,” he says nodding. He forces a sympathetic smile. “That’s why I’m doing this. I want to feel better. And I think that in a few years, I’ll be good again.” Now his smile comes without any effort at all.

Gabriel sighs. “If he hurts you again, I’m going to beat him up.”

“Good luck with that, he is taller than me. And you are incredibly short,” he mocks with a sassy chuckle.

“Little bro, I already know that everyone is taller than me,” he snaps with sass. Castiel laughs softly with that.

Before they finish their lunch, Gabriel’s mobile phone rings and he picks it. After a small conversation on the phone, Gabriel exhales sharply and he says that he has to leave because some idiot has screwed it up. Castiel’s brother stands up and grabs his wallet, leaving a lot of bills on the table.

“Sorry, Cas, but work’s calling me,” Gabriel says irritated and feeling sorry.

“Don’t worry, I understand,” Castiel says with a soft smile. His brother is always busy, but at least he always tries to make time for him, and Castiel really appreciates it.

“Take care little bro.” He walks towards Cas and squeezes his shoulder in that brothering way of his, giving him that warm but concerned smile. Castiel smiles and his brother leaves the Roadhouse.

Castiel keeps eating his burger and his fries. Gabriel always eats really fast, he devours his food; his plate was already empty when he got that call. Castiel, otherwise, eats slower, he likes to enjoy his food and take his time with it. In his opinion, it is more pleasurable.

He hears the door of the dinner being opened, but he doesn’t turn his face to look at it. He doesn’t care, but the moment that person talks, Castiel recognizes that voice immediately. “Hey there, Ellen!” Dean greets happily.

“Dean Winchester,” Ellen says. She sounds happy but a bit grumpy. “What are you doing here apart from stopping by to eat?” Her voice is full of sass.

Dean chuckles. “You know I don’t only come here to eat. I’m here to see you.”

“Of course. Tell that to another girl,” she snaps with a lot of sarcasm and both of them laugh.

“Just came from visiting Sam and Jess and I drove over here and I started to get the need of one of those wonderful pecan pies,” he admits chuckling. “But I also wanted to see how you were doing.” Dean sounds so sweet and nice.

“Are you being this nice to get pie for free?”

Dean laughs. “Your husband pays me more than enough to buy pies.” He lets out a sweet chuckle. Since he and Castiel saw each other, Castiel hasn’t heard Dean that happy. It isn’t the happiness from when they were together, but it is happiness after all. It shouldn’t make Castiel’s heart to get that warm feeling, but it does. “But if you wanna invite me, I’m not gonna stop you.”

Ellen laughs and Castiel can hear a cloth hitting Dean, who laughs. “Keep dreaming Dean.” She sounds so victorious. “Pecan pie with some vanilla ice cream on its top?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Sit down while I prepare it.”

The moment Ellen seems to be gone, Castiel turns his face to look at Dean. He looks so badass and handsome with that leather jacket, black jeans that adjust perfectly to his hips and boots. His hair is a bit ruffled and it makes him look even gorgeous. Why does he have to be that attractive? It makes Castiel’s heart to do wild things. And he doesn’t want that. But part of him still misses what it felt to touch and kiss Dean. But that’s forbidden and he really doesn’t want that. Not after everything. He has to put a limit in between them.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel finally says, catching Dean’s attention. Dean’s green eyes show that he wasn’t expecting to find Castiel there. He isn’t calmed anymore; the moment he sees Cas, he tenses.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean says walking towards him. “What are you doing here?” he asks confused.

“I was having lunch with my brother Gabriel, but he had to left for work,” he explains casually. He wants to hate Dean for everything, but he can’t. He is unable to hate him. There has always been something about Dean, something Castiel hasn’t been sure about ever; it’s something that makes Dean special. He won’t forget the pain Dean caused him, but he will never hate him. Although he can’t like him completely either; not now. Maybe he will in the future.

“Good. Good,” Dean says nodding. He is always as if he wasn’t sure if he should be there, talking with him. Dean doesn’t want to fuck things up, he already did that and he knows it, but he would like that Dean could gain some confidence. Every time Castiel looks into those eyes, there is doubt, pain and regret. And that hinders things.

“Do you want to sit down?” Castiel asks pointing with his hand the free seat in front of him where Gabriel was.

“I don’t want to disturb you.”

“You won’t. Please,” he insists. Dean nods and sits down. He moves away Gabriel’s empty dish, to make room for the pie that will arrive soon. Being like this brings too many memories from that dinner they used to go every Friday night.

Ellen comes with the pie and she places her hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I hope you aren’t disturbing this man,” she says with a warning voice.

“For your information we know each other, Ellen.” Dean grins in that cocky way of his.

She looks at Castiel and she grins. “Do you know this idiot?” she asks pointing at Dean.

Castiel chuckles. “I’m afraid so.”

Dean rolls his eyes and glares at Castiel and then at Ellen, whose smile has gotten wider because of Castiel’s words. “You really enjoy this, huh?” Dean says looking at Ellen. “You treat me as if I was some douchebag.”

Ellen laughs. “Honey, you aren’t.” She squeezes Dean’s face and Dean smiles. “But you are a bit of an idiot sometimes.”

“She’s right,” Castiel says grinning sassily. Dean glares him. It is a glare that he knows from when they were together. It isn’t the glare Dean has been doing lately. They are very different from the kids they were years ago because of all the things they have been through, but sometimes, when they look at each other, there’s a hint of those kids they used to be.

“So you two are friends?” Ellen asks as she stops squeezing Dean’s cheeks.

“Yeah,” Dean says blushing and sounding really timid. Castiel nods. Both of them know that they aren’t friends exactly, but it is better to say that than start explaining everything.

“Sweetie,” Ellen starts to say. “If this boy does something you don’t like, just tell me and I’ll kick his ass,” she jokes, but by the way Dean is looking at her, she might be telling the truth.

Castiel laughs. “Thanks, but I think that it will be more satisfactory if I’m the one to do so.”

While Ellen looks so delighted and chuckling, Dean looks at him with wide eyes and an unbelieving face. “What the hell, Cas?” Dean asks with a high pitched voice.

“Cas?” Ellen asks confused and surprised and looking at Dean, who is starting to flush. “The famous Cas?” Now she looks at Castiel, as if she was trying to see every single detail from him. So she knows too. How many people know about their past relationship?

“Yeah.” Dean’s voice is just a whisper.

“You can kick his ass now if you want to,” Ellen says with a pout and Castiel chuckles. Dean meanwhile is getting redder and he covers his face, trying to go unnoticed. “He kind of deserves it.” A big part of Castiel agrees with her. “I don’t wanna get you more awkward, Castiel,” she says with a tender smile. “Do you want anything else, sweetie? Pie? Brownie? Ice cream?”

Castiel is really grateful for that. Ellen is nice, but he really didn’t want to get deeper in a conversation he isn’t ready to talk with anyone yet, not even with Dean. “I would love one of those strawberry milkshakes if you don’t mind,” he says. Dean meanwhile is looking at the windows, trying to hide himself from Ellen and Castiel.

“You’ve got it,” she says with a wide smile. Then, she slaps Dean’s shoulder in a friendly but a bit hard. “Don’t think we can’t see you, boy.”

Dean doesn’t say anything but he glares her, although there’s more pain and embarrassment than rage in his green eyes. Ellen makes a comforting smile and she squeezes Dean’s shoulder. She is soon grabbing the empty dishes and heading to the kitchen, leaving Dean and Castiel alone.

“How many people know about us?” Castiel asks arching his eyebrow. Dean can’t even meet his eyes yet and his face is still really red. “You’ve told everyone?”

“Just my family. And my friends Charlie and Benny,” Dean answers. “Ellen has been Bobby’s wife for five years, so she’s part of the family and she knows,” he explains. He makes a small silence, long enough to give him enough courage to look into Castiel’s eyes. “Are you mad?”

“No, I’m not mad,” he answers. He takes a deep breath. “I’m just surprised. You weren’t a huge fan of talking, so it is unusual to know that you talked about us.” Dean never talked about his feelings. The only time he did that, was when he told Castiel that he loved him. It hurts to remember that those words, that meant a lot when Dean told them, are now meaningless words, lost in the wind.

 

_____

 

_December 1998_

 

It snowed during the whole night and it kept snowing during the next day. So Castiel and Dean had to seize the special occasion. It was a cold Sunday morning. Both of them woke up early and grabbed their warmest clothes and the thickest coats and they went outside to have fun under the snow. Everything was covered in a white mantle and the snow kept falling, not as much as during the night, but it was constant.

They made snow angels on the ground, they built two snowmen and they had a snowballs fight. All of that was spent in between laughs, smiles and kisses. They were exhausted after everything, especially from the snowballs fight, and both of them lay on the snowy ground, holding hands and looking at the clouded sky, seeing how the snowflakes kept falling, resting after all the action.

“I wish it snowed more often,” Castiel said with a happy smile. He closed his eyes, feeling how the snowflakes fell on his face and how they melted on it.

“Me too,” Dean said rolling over. Castiel turned his face to look at his boyfriend. “You look gorgeous under the snow.”

As easy as always, he blushed. Dean always made him blush. He was all the time praising him, and Castiel could tell by the way those green eyes looked at him, that Dean really meant it. “Shut up. You are making me blush,” he said shyly but smiling widely.  
Dean kissed him. “I like making you blush, you look so pretty.”

“Shut up.” He kissed Dean to stop him from saying more things that will make him be as red as a tomato. “And you look extraordinarily beautiful under the snow.”

Dean smirked and some blush made its way into his cheeks. “Want me to blush too, angel?”

“Fair is fair, my sun and star.”

“Fuck Cas, I told you that was so cheesy,” he said making a funny face.

Castiel smiled. “But you kind of like it, don’t deny it.” He could always see that tiny smile Dean was trying to suppress every time Castiel said that nickname. Deep down, Dean adored that Cas called him that nickname once in a while.

“Yeah, but that’s because I love the guy who says it.”

Both of them looked shocked at each other. Dean had his eyes opened as wide as possible and his mouth was shut. Castiel’s eyes were the same, but his mouth was parted. “You— you love me?” Castiel asked insecure. Dean wasn’t a guy who talked about his feelings, so hearing him saying the word love was something Castiel wasn’t expecting.

“Yeah, I love you Cas.” His affirmation came out as honest and truthful as possible and Dean made a tiny but warm smile. “Of course that I love you.”

Castiel smiled widely and without wasting more time, he kissed Dean as passionate as he could. “I love you too, Dean.” It was a relief to finally let those words out. He had them locked in his heart, waiting for the right moment to let them out. Who would have imagined that Dean would be the first to say those words out loud?

Dean smiled even wider and happier and he cupped Castiel’s face with his hands, covered by his globes. They kept kissing under the snow, smiling happily. They loved each other so much and both of them finally knew about each other’s feelings.

 

_____

 

“Yeah, well, it wasn’t easy, but I did,” Dean finally says. “I guess you did the same, didn’t you?”

“I did,” Castiel claims. Sometimes he talked about Dean with strangers he met at college, people he didn’t know or he wouldn’t see again. Sometimes he needed to let out part of the pain in his heart.

Dean rubs his face and grunts. “Can we just leave the depressing talk apart?” he asks a bit desperate.

“Yes, please,” Castiel thanks. Those wounds are still there, but the less they talk about their romantic past, the better. There’s a small awkward silence. “Do you have any topic in mind?”

Dean bites his lower lip guiltily, and old habit of his and he shakes his head. “Not really.” He sounds a bit frustrated, but then, he chuckles. “Fuck, do we need a fucking movie so we can talk about something else?”

Castiel chuckles too. “It seems so.”

“We are the worst.” Dean laughs. It sounds a bit sarcastic but honest. The green eyed man runs his hand through his light brown short hair, ruffling it a little bit more and Castiel smiles at that. “Do you really think that this thing will actually work?”

“Yeah. Although I think that it would be better if you stopped looking awkward and unsure about everything you do,” he answers with a shy voice. He even blushes slightly. Dean’s eyes are brimming with curiosity and some warmth. Castiel prefers that look than the one filled with pain. “You used to be so self-secure. Now, you are like—” He takes a deep breath. “If you weren’t sure of anything.”

Dean is about to answer him, but Ellen comes with the milkshake Castiel ordered and Dean shuts up. “Enjoy it, Castiel,” Ellen says smiling at him.

“Thank you,” Castiel says smiling as well.

The moment Ellen is gone, Dean talks again. “Cas, don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad that we are trying to build a friendship, but, after all, I was the one who hurt you.” His voice sounds hurt, but there isn’t that insecurity he always has when it comes to talk about them. Dean takes a deep breath and gets a piece of pie in his mouth. After he swallows it, he keeps talking. “And I don’t wanna hurt you again. So I’m always wondering if what I do is right, that I don’t push you or something like that, you know?”

“Oh,” Castiel says surprised. He wasn’t expecting that answer. “I appreciate it, I really do.” He can feel his cheeks getting flushed. “But stop overthinking, Dean, because you look as if you were forcing yourself.”

“Okay. From now on, I will change that.” He makes an honest and pretty smile and Castiel finds himself mirroring it. “You stopped snapping me all the time, so…”

Castiel chuckles. “Yeah, I know.” He looks down at his milkshake, trying to hide his wide grin from Dean, but he knows that Dean can see him. “But you have to recognize that you are a bit of an idiot sometimes.”

Dean looks into his eyes, with that intense sight of his. Castiel never forgot how those eyes could just leave him breathless with just one look. “I’ve always been an idiot, you know that.” Words come out sweetly and nostalgic and they make Castiel feel something warm in his heart that he wants to ignore. Dean has never been an idiot, he has been an assbutt, but that insult is something that Castiel only used with Dean when they were boyfriends.

They change the topic quickly and they start talking about desserts and they don’t know how, they end up talking about books. It brings back good old memories, but both of them ignore those memories. Living in the past hasn’t done anything good to any of them. They have the chance to rebuild their lives and get over from all that pain and they must seize the occasion and do their best.

After paying the food, both of them get out of the Roadhouse after Ellen said a goodbye to both of them. The autumn wind is the first thing they feel the moment they are outside in the street and Dean zips up his leather jacket and Castiel buttons up his trench coat.

“Do you want me to drive you home?” Dean asks.

“Yes. Thank you,” Castiel says. It is quite cold and the wind is blowing hard. It isn’t the perfect day to walk back home, so he really appreciates that Dean is driving him home. The Roadhouse is not too far from Castiel’s apartment, but he would rather go back home by car. The moment he gets in Dean’s car, he makes a relieved sigh. The car isn’t warm, but it is nice to not have the wind caressing aggressively your face. “Wasn’t this your father’s car?” he asks confused.

“It was,” Dean says as he starts the car. “Before he died, he had a car accident and it looked as if the car came just from the scrapping. So I fixed it, and now it is as glorious as its first day.” He sounds so proud of it. He dedicates a smirk to Castiel, who smiles widely. “And she has never let me down since them,” he adds as he caresses the dashboard.

“Do you want me to leave you alone with the car so you can take it to a hotel room?” he asks really sassy.

“Don’t listen to him, baby,” Dean says with a pout.

“You call it baby? Seriously?” he says chuckling and arching his eyebrow.

“You’ve got a problem with that?” His voice is all sarcastic and cocky and Castiel just grins and shakes his head. “Well, here it is,” he says parking in front of the building where Castiel lives.

“Thanks for the ride, Dean,” Castiel says really grateful.

“My pleasure,” Dean says smiling and looking at him with tender eyes. “See you on Friday night?” he asks before Castiel can open the door.

“Of course.” He doesn’t miss the way Dean’s eyes light up with that. Castiel knows that his light up as well. “See you, Dean.”

“See you, Cas.”

Castiel gets out of the Impala and he waves his hand at Dean, who returns the gesture. Castiel walks towards the door and he turns his face to give a quick look at the Impala, going to the opposite direction and he smiles as he sees Dean driving through the street, the car getting smaller the further it is. Gabriel’s words are being repeated in his mind _you might not love him, but you still need him_. After everything, after all the pain, Castiel still needs Dean. He will always need him. He won’t love him again, but he will always need him. He doesn’t know why and much less understands the reason, but he knows he does.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions :)

The rain can be perfectly heard hitting against the windows, rumbling with that rhythm only nature is able to do. As Dean cuts the tomatoes for the burgers he is making for Castiel and himself, he looks at the widow, all covered with raindrops that are racing in their own speed to arrive to the bottom of the window. It started to rain suddenly and heavily. The sky was soon covered by dark clouds that started to let the rain fall immediately.

He wonders if Castiel will arrive completely drenched. Dean smiles to himself. He is worrying about Castiel and preparing him dinner. If somebody told him in the past this was going to happen, Dean wouldn’t have believed it. He is glad that he can do this. It isn’t the same as if he and Cas were together and Cas was coming home after work and Dean was already waiting for him, making sure to have dinner ready for his arrival. He wishes it could be like that, but it isn’t. That apple pie life isn’t waiting for Dean anymore. But at least he has a tiny glimpse of it.

Things in between them have gotten better in those two weeks. They only see each other on Friday’s nights, but Dean doesn’t doubt and overthink about every single thing he does and Castiel doesn’t snap him all the time. There are still some hurt feelings in between them, but they are working through that.

The doorbell rings and Dean walks towards the door to open it. Castiel gives him an apologetic look the moment Dean opens the door. Castiel is completely drenched, all his hair is wet and some locks of it are stuck on his forehead. His clothes are darker than usually because of the amount of rain that has fallen over them. There isn’t any tiny piece of cloth that isn’t wet. Castiel is so drenched that he is forming a small puddle on the floor.

“Let me guess, you decided to come here walking and you forgot your umbrella,” Dean says with a grimace.

“It was being a nice day to take a walk and suddenly all those clouds came and—” Castiel takes a deep breath and looks down ashamed and frustrated.

“Come in. You need to change your clothes or you are gonna get sick,” Dean warns with a sweet voice. He steps away from the door to let Castiel get in. He looks really cute all drenched. “I’m gonna lend you some clothes,” he adds as he closes the door. “Give me your shoes I’ll leave them next to the heat.”

Castiel takes off his shoes and he hands them to Dean, who puts them beside the heat so they can dry. “Sorry for this, Dean,” he apologizes with a shy voice.

“It’s okay Cas.” He makes a comforting smile that Castiel seems to appreciate by the way his lips make one of its own as well. “Follow me,” he prompts. Castiel follows him to his bedroom and Dean starts to look into his drawers and wardrobe for things Castiel can put on. He finds some Henley t-shirt and some sweatpants. “Do you think you will do fine with these?” He hands Castiel the clothes and Castiel nods, with a tiny timid smile in his lips. There’s also a slight blush making its way into his cheeks. Dean smiles at him and he looks for some old slippers. “And these.” He hands them to Castiel as well.

“Thanks a lot Dean.”

“You are welcome Cas,” he says as he walks towards the hall. “I’m gonna grab a towel so you can dry,” he adds before he walks away from the bedroom. Once he is in the bathroom, he picks one of the biggest towels and he walks back to his bedroom. “Here, you—” But Dean isn’t able to finish the sentence because he wasn’t expecting to see what he is seeing; Castiel is showing his back to Dean, and that back has an impressive tattoo; black wings. Those wings go from Castiel’s elbows, to his shoulders, covering almost completely Castiel’s back. And they aren’t just regular wings, they are angel’s wings. Holy shit.

Castiel turns over to hide his tattoo from Dean and he faces him, looking really ashamed about it. He grabs the towel Dean’s holding, without meeting his eyes. “Thanks,” he says really serious and ashamed.

Dean takes a moment to finally speak up. “No problem.” His heart is beating really fast right now, as if it wanted to get free from Dean’s chest. Cas has wings tattooed, angel wings. Does that tattoo mean the same as Dean’s? He shouldn’t be thinking that right now. Castiel is looking at his eyes now, and those blue eyes are telling him to leave and give him privacy and not to ask about the tattooed wings. “Once you are done, tell me and I will put the clothes somewhere so they can dry.” He adds.

Castiel nods and Dean leaves the bedroom. He goes towards the bathroom and he closes the door. His blood is rushing in his veins. Something is compressing his chest, making it hard to breathe. Angel wings. Castiel has angel wings tattooed on his back. It can’t mean anything or it can mean eveything. He wants to ask, but he knows Castiel doesn’t want to explain himself. But holy fucking mother shit of hell. Cas was Dean’s angel, that’s the pet name he gave to Cas and now he has found out that he has angel wings tattooed on his back. There’s no fucking way that’s a coincidence.

Dean rubs his face and he looks at himself in the mirror. He needs to calm down. If that meant what Dean thinks and hopes it is, Cas would have tried to start over with their relationship; he wouldn’t have wanted to start this friendship thing. Maybe Cas got that tattoo when he was really hurt. By the way he looked at Dean and how he immediately turned over to hide his tattoo from Dean, Castiel must regret getting inked.

“I’m done Dean!” Castiel yells. Dean takes a deep breath and walks towards the bedroom, finding the blue eyed man already dressed. It shouldn’t make his heart do all sort of crazy things to see Cas with his clothes. He tries his best to hide his feelings and he just focuses on picking Castiel’s clothes. Before he can leave the bedroom, Castiel speaks. “Do you still play the guitar?” His question comes in a soft murmur filled with shyness. He points at the guitar Dean has leaning against the wall.

“Yeah, I do,” Dean says. They have never talked about it. The topic never showed up. Also, Castiel has never been in this room, so he never saw Dean’s old guitar until today.

Castiel approaches the guitar and his fingers caress lightly the headstock. “Is the one you used to play when we met?” He turns his face to look at Dean, his eyes showing nostalgia.

“It is.” That guitar has been with Dean since he was fourteen. And he has never wanted to get rid of it. It is his first guitar and he has played a lot of songs with it. “I’ve improved, by the way,” he adds shyly.

Castiel smiles and nods. “You had a lot of time for that.”

“Yeah,” he whispers. He takes a deep breath. “I should better put these to dry,” he says and he walks towards the room where he has a washing machine and a drier. Castiel follows him with the towel. As Dean hangs the clothes on the clothes rack he has in that room for the rainy days, he can feel Castiel’s worried and serious look on his nape.

“Dean,” Castiel says. Dean makes a humming sound, but he doesn’t look at him. “Don’t you want to ask about the tattoo?” His voice sounds very disturbed, as if he was anxious about that question.

“Yeah, but I think you don’t want to talk about it.” He turns his face to give him a sympathetic look. “So I’m not gonna ask.”  
Castiel looks away, trying to hide himself from Dean. “Thank you.”

Dean nods. “I guess you are hungry, huh?” He tries to sound as if he didn’t know about the tattoo, but he knows he won’t forget about it, but it is better that if he pretends so. He has been pretending that he isn’t still in love with Castiel, right? He can pretend a little bit more. “Do you want extra bacon and extra cheese on your burger?” he asks as he walks towards the kitchen. He doesn’t miss the half odd and half grateful look Castiel gives him.

“That would be perfect, Dean.”

Dean prepares the burgers. Both of them pretend as if Dean had never seen the tattoo, which eases things. They talk like they have been doing for these two weeks, as if it never happened something bad in between them and once the burgers are done, they sit on the couch and start to watch _Star Trek_. The movie is spent in a comfortable silence, only interrupted by a comment about something that the movie doesn’t respect from the original series.

When the movie is finished, Dean stretches and walks towards the DVD player to pick up the movie and save it in its place. He looks at the door that leads to the terrace and he checks out that it is still raining. Castiel approaches him and he looks at the rain with a frown.

“Doesn’t seem it will stop soon,” Dean comments. “I can ride you back home if you want to,” he suggests looking at Castiel’s face.

Castiel sighs. “I would appreciate it, but I don’t think my clothes are already dried.” He makes a grimace. His eyes wander through the terrace, seeing how the rain keeps falling heavily.

Cas is right. Dean sighs and looks at the rain before he looks at Cas again. “Wanna sleep here?” Dean says. Castiel turns his face to look at him with a confused frown. “I’ve got a spare bedroom where you can sleep in. Rain doesn’t seem to be willing to stop in a couple of hours and your clothes won’t be dried until tomorrow morning,” he explains as he shrugs. He rests his shoulder on the wall and he looks at Castiel trying to read through his expression.

Castiel makes a thoughtful face followed by an agreement pout. “I guess you are right,” he says with a timid smile. “I’m sorry for giving you too much trouble tonight.”

“Cas, don’t worry,” he says with a grin. He walks towards the coffee table where the empty dishes rest and he grabs them.

“Let me help you,” Castiel says grabbing away one of the dishes. “It’s the less I can do after tonight.”

“Fuck, Cas, it doesn’t bother me.” He chuckles and walks towards the kitchen. “For all I know, you are about to pay me for letting you sleep here tonight.” He knows Cas; he might have changed in some aspects, but like Dean, there are a lot of things about him that haven’t changed at all.

“I wasn’t thinking about paying you. More like buying you pecan pie for the trouble.”

“Well, if you are gonna buy me a pie, I’m not gonna say no.” He laughs and Castiel laughs in a happy and pretty way. That sound makes Dean’s heart to feel a warmth he hasn’t felt for years. He missed making Castiel laugh. It isn’t as bright as it used to be, but it is still brighter than any other laugh Cas has made since they ran into each other.

“Some things never change,” he says smiling quite widely. Dean looks at the sink as he smiles shyly.

Once the dishes are washed, they walk towards the other bedroom. Castiel gets in and he looks around it. It is almost as big as Dean’s, but it isn’t as fully decorated as that one.

“If you need anything, just call me,” Dean says nodding.

“Okay,” Castiel says with that timid smile. “And thank you so much.”

“It’s okay, Cas.” He starts to walk out of the bedroom. He grabs the handle of the door to close it, but before he does that, he says, “Goodnight, Cas.”

“Goodnight, Dean.” Castiel makes a pretty smile.

Dean closes the door and walks towards the bathroom to brush his teeth. He takes a look at Cas’ clothes, which are still really wet. Tomorrow morning they will be dry. It feels strange to know that Cas is going to spend the night here.

When Dean has brushed his teeth he walks towards his bedroom and puts on his pajama’s pants and he gets in his bed. The usual silence of his bedroom is broken by the rain hitting the window. Dean likes it in fact. He likes the sound of the rain and it usually helps him to fall asleep, lulling him slowly. But right now it isn’t; Dean is still thinking about Castiel’s tattoo. Why did he get it? Does it mean what Dean thinks it means? For how long has he had it? And why did Cas look so ashamed of it?

Dean tries to shut down his thoughts, but he can’t. He can still picture those tattooed wings in his mind, even when he only saw them for a brief moment. Dean takes a deep breath and with his hand, he reaches the place where his tattoo is. He rolls onto the bed, trying to forget about everything and find a stance that will allow him to fall asleep, but it doesn’t do anything.

He thinks about Cas, sleeping in the other bedroom, wondering if he is still awake overthinking things like Dean is doing or if he is already sleeping. Dean inhales sharply and buries his face in the pillow. He wants so bad that those wings have the meaning he hopes, but if they have such meaning, nothing will change in between them. Cas still wants to be just friends. Dean is so in love with Cas, but he knows he can’t do anything to win his love back. A broken heart never heals and it never forgets.

 

***

 

The sunlight leaks through the window, lightening up the bedroom. Castiel opens his eyes lazily, looking around. It seems to be not too early, and that bed is really warm and comfortable. He guesses that Dean won’t mind it if he stays a little bit more in that bed. His body isn’t fully awake yet and he likes to linger in bed, especially if it is as nice, cozy and warm as this one.  
Castiel covers his nose and snuggles himself in the sheets. The overwhelming smell of Dean in the clothes Dean lent him fills his nose. He forgot how nice Dean’s smell was. The smell isn’t as intense as if he was in the bed with him, but Dean’s clothes have his scent and it is impossible to not notice the nice smell of it.

He should admit that putting on Dean’s clothes woken up some feelings that Castiel isn’t willing to let out. Something like putting on Dean’s clothes shouldn’t make him feel cared and heartwarming, but it does, even if he tries to deny it. He loved putting on Dean’s clothes when they were younger. He loved putting on his leather jacket and he loved the happy smile Dean gave him when he saw Castiel with it. He could almost see a tiny glimpse of it when Dean saw him last night with his clothes on, it was almost unnoticeable, but there was a tiny sparkle of it.

What he perfectly saw was the shocked look Dean made the moment he saw Castiel’s tattoo. Castiel didn’t want him to see it, to know about the existence of his angel wings tattoo. Surprisingly, Dean didn’t ask, but Castiel could tell that curiosity was eating out him. He is grateful that Dean didn’t ask, because he isn’t ready to tell him the reason behind the tattoo.

 

_____

 

_April 2006_

 

It was the last day of April and Castiel knew that May was going to come the next day and he hated it. He hated May with all his heart, because it was the month when Dean left. Seven years were about to pass and Castiel hadn’t fully recovered from his broken heart. He was better than years ago, but every time the fifth month of the year arrived, pain flooded his heart. He never did well when May came.

Dean disappeared, just leaving a stupid letter behind that didn’t explain anything. Almost seven years had passed and it still hurt to remember Dean. He wasn’t going to see him again, so what was the point about feeling like hell about his lost love? He should have finally moved on a couple of years ago, but his heart still ached for that green eyed boy. Dean Winchester hurt him and he was still longing for him, his heart was still craving for the love Dean gave him during those months they were together.

Castiel had thought over a million times about how different things would have been if Dean had stayed or if he had run away with Dean. He missed being happy and being loved. He missed Dean and he shouldn’t feel like that, after all, Dean disappeared and he left without saying a word, he just wrote a stupid letter. If he really loved him, why didn’t he tell him why he was leaving? Why didn’t he try to stay in contact? Dean didn’t love him, and he wondered if Dean ever did such thing.

Sometimes Castiel asked himself if Dean left because Castiel did something wrong, if he wasn’t good enough for him, if it was his fault that Dean left. Sometimes it felt like that. Other times it felt as if Dean left because he just wanted to. Castiel didn’t know which one of those things hurt more.

Truth be told is that he had tried to forget Dean, but every time he closed his eyes, he could see those green eyes, those freckles and that smile. He wanted to forget him, he wanted to rip apart the part of himself that belonged to Dean, but he couldn’t. He tried so hard, but it was always failed attempts. Part of him was still in love with him and he hated himself for that.

Castiel walked towards the kitchen of the tiny apartment where he was living and he took a sip of the whiskey he bought specially for the month that was about to come. He didn’t like to drown his sorrows in alcohol, but sometimes it helped him to take a sip of it. He hated the flavor and the nasty aftertaste left in his mouth, but part of the pain faded away with it as the burning feeling of alcohol run in his throat.

He rested his forehead on the fridge’s door and closed his eyes. Alcohol might have eased the pain for a while, but nothing worked better than Dean holding him. But Dean wasn’t there to do such thing. And he surely wouldn’t be there to do that ever. Still, Castiel pretended that Dean was there, holding him, giving him the warmth and the comfort he needed, whispering 'it’s okay angel'.

Castiel let out a painful groan and grabbed the glass that was resting on the kitchen table and he smashed it against the wall. Several tiny pieces of glass flew over, ending up on the floor as Castiel cried and punched the counter, feeling pain with every harsh punch.

“Angel,” Castiel whispered in between sobs in the loneliness of the kitchen.

He took a deep breath and wiped off the tears from his face. Part of his knuckles was covered in blood, but he didn’t care, and neither did he with the pieces of glass on the floor. Castiel walked towards the bedroom and looked for his credit card and when he found it, he went to a tattoo study. He needed to have a reminder of what it felt to be someone’s angel, Dean’s angel. He needed to carry with himself something that reminded him of the happiness he once felt. He needed to have in his skin something that belonged to Dean. Something that reminded him what loving someone meant. The good and the bad stuff of it.

He knew that some days he would regret getting inked those wings, but he knew that some other days, he would be grateful for them.

 

_____

 

Suddenly, an overwhelming smell of pancakes fills the bedroom and Castiel sits on the bed, frowning at the door. He decides to get up and follow the wonderful smell. The moment he opens the door, the smell intensifies and it is even more wonderful. He walks through the hall until he can see the kitchen. Dean is making pancakes and humming to himself _Back in Black_. Castiel smiles to himself. He likes seeing Dean this homey.

Dean is so focused on cooking and humming that he doesn’t notice Castiel’s presence, which makes Castiel to savor the image of Dean in the kitchen, as if he was making breakfast for his husband, humming happily one of his favorite songs. Castiel’s eyes linger on Dean’s strong arms, revealed by the t-shirt he is wearing. Dean always wears long sleeves and his stunning strong arms can’t be seen. He also appreciates Dean’s bed hair and the soft smile he has. Castiel knows he shouldn’t be thinking all of that, but his heart wishes that he could wake up every Saturday morning and find Dean like this, cooking for him, because they were together. That could have been a reality if things didn’t end up the way they did.

Castiel has to shut down all those feelings. He doesn’t want that life. They had the chance to have it and it is now long gone. Dean won’t give him that happiness he once gave him years ago. And Castiel can’t give Dean that happiness either.

Dean startles slightly when he finally notices Castiel is there. “Shit Cas, you are a fucking creeper,” Dean mutters.

Castiel chuckles and walks towards Dean. “Sorry. I was enjoying the little show you were making,” he teases.

Dean blushes and glares him. Then, his eyes go back to the frying pan where he is cooking a pancake. “Did you sleep well?”

“I did. That bed is really comfortable,” he answers. Dean puts the pancake on the top of the pancakes pile resting on a plate and he hands Castiel a cup of coffee before he puts the remaining of the pancake dough on the frying pan. “Did you make me coffee?” he says surprised.

“Yeah, you told me that you were a coffee freak,” he says casually and shrugging. “It’s just some normal coffee, not that expensive thing you like,” he teases with a wicked grin.

“I have tasted worse,” he recognizes after taking a sip. It isn’t the aromatic and wonderful coffee he usually takes, but this one is not that bad. Dean put the right amount of milk and sugar. “Thank you,” he says with a tiny smile.

“You are welcome.” He makes that genuine smile of his. “I’m gonna make some scrambled eggs with small pieces of bacon in it too, do you want some?” he asks as he puts the last pancake on the pile. In Castiel’s opinion, they look yummy and fluffy and they smell great.

“Yes, why not?” he says with an impressive face. “Do you usually cook this much for breakfast?”

“Only on weekends. Pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs, cereals, toasts, waffles… Anything that I’m in the mood to eat,” he explains with a happy and proud grin. “If you want something else, tell me.”

“I think I will grab a piece of fruit to stabilize all of these.” He points at the pancakes and the scrambled eggs with bacon Dean’s cooking. Both of them laugh happily. Castiel grabs a pear from the fruit bowl and leaves it on the table as he sits on a chair. He looks how Dean keeps cooking and he smiles to himself, feeling nostalgic. This could have been their life and it would have been great. But it is too late for that.

“Okay,” Dean says as he puts the pancakes and the scrambled eggs with bacon on the table. “Bon appetite,” he says grinning once he has sat down.

The moment Castiel tastes the pancakes he lets out a sound that it is really similar to a moan and Dean blushes slightly. The same happens when he tastes the scrambled eggs with bacon. “Did you sell your soul to cook this extraordinary?” Castiel asks impressed.

Dean laughs. “No, it’s just practice and enjoying cooking, nothing else.” He looks so timid about it and Castiel thinks it is really cute. “I’m glad you like it.” His words are kind and happy and they make Castiel smile. Lately, Dean has been making him smile really often. He thought that wouldn’t happen in a long time. “By the way, your clothes are fully dried.”

“Good. Thanks.”

They have breakfast in a comfortable silence. Castiel is still wondering why Dean isn’t asking about the tattoo and looking as if he was so comfortable about it, because he knows that Dean might suspect what the tattoo means, and yet, he hasn’t said a word about it. It feels as if he forgot it without any problem at all. Maybe he forgot Castiel that easy too. That thought hurts a lot and Castiel pushes it away as fast as he can.

“Are you sure you don’t want anything else?” Dean asks when both of them have finished.

“No, I don’t want anything else. Don’t you think that was enough?” Castiel says quirking an eyebrow.

Dean shrugs. “Maybe you wanted more food, I know how much you like my food.” He smirks with all his pride and stands up to grab all the things on the table and put them in the sink.

“You sound too cocky,” Castiel remarks, giving him a sassy look.

Dean’s smirk only gets wider with his comment. “I’m not the one who started moaning with the food.”

“You are the worst,” he says chuckling. “I’m going to put on my clothes. Where should I leave yours?” With his fingers he pinches Dean’s Henley t-shirt.

“Just leave them on my bedroom,” he answers before starting to wash the dishes.

Castiel walks towards Dean’s bedroom after grabbing his now dried clothes. He likes Dean’s bedroom, it is big and full of things like books, music and stuff from movies or TV shows he likes. And also, there’s that old guitar Dean used to play his songs to Castiel. When he saw it yesterday, nostalgia came to him. Dean was really good at playing it, considering that he had just started learning. He always put so much effort and passion every time he played the guitar. Castiel loved listening to him and even more when Dean sang as he played. He always ended up so blushed and laughing.

Castiel smiles to himself and keeps putting on his clothes, leaving the ones that Dean lent him folded and resting on Dean’s bed. He looks at Dean’s guitar again and his fingers brush the tuners.

“You can hold it if you want to,” Dean says suddenly, startling Castiel, who wasn’t acknowledged of his presence. Dean is resting his shoulder on the doorpost, looking casually and with a tender tiny smile drawn on his lips. Castiel looks at him unsure, not wanting to break his guitar. “You aren’t gonna break it if that’s what’s worrying you.”

Castiel makes a grimace and he finally smiles and grabs the guitar, feeling with his hands the familiarity of it. Dean used to let him play with it, despite of the fact that he didn’t know how to play the guitar. But Dean tried to teach him, something that always ended up with both of them laughing because Castiel really sucked at it.

“Did you finally learn how to play the guitar?” Dean asks.

“No,” Castiel says without taking his eyes from the instrument. “But I know how to hold it.”

Dean laughs. “Well, that’s an improvement.”

“It is,” he says grinning.

He strums some strings, making a nice sound. He smiles at the familiar sound of the guitar. Castiel wouldn’t mind if Dean played him a song, but that’s something very intimate, it has always been like that for Dean; he always played the guitar when he was alone or when he wanted to play in front of Castiel. When it came to play the guitar, Dean was so shy. Castiel always knew that it was because Dean played with his heart and soul and letting someone see that part, was something Dean couldn’t do in front of anyone.

“I should better go,” Castiel announces as he places the guitar in its place.

Dean nods. “Okay. Do you want me to ride you home?

“No, thank you,” he says smiling. “I have already given you enough inconveniences.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Always so polite.”

“Actually you have been the most polite,” he says with a sassy grin. Dean arches one eyebrow. “Lending me your clothes, letting me sleep here and making me breakfast. I was starting to think that Dean Winchester was abducted.”

Dean chuckles. “You are an asshole sometimes, did you know that?” he teases with a beautiful grin that shows his teeth and gums.

“There it is the Dean I know.” He smiles. 

They walk towards the main door, although Dean stays behind it. Castiel opens the door and turns over to look at Dean. Last night felt different that all those night they have spent together and this morning felt different too, but different in a good way. It has been years since Castiel felt as good as he has felt. 

“Thank you for everything, Dean.”

“You are welcome Cas,” Dean says with a sweet smile. There’s some brightness in his eyes and Castiel wonders why. Maybe this has felt good for him too. Although it shouldn’t, right? Because this is just a mirage of things that could have been but never were. “See you next week? Hopefully with you all dried up?”

Castiel chuckles and looks down, hiding his blush from Dean. It isn’t a blush from embarrassment; it is a blush from happiness. “Sure. See you, Dean.”

“See you, Cas.”

Finally, Castiel closes the door and walks away from Dean’s apartment. There it is again; that rushed beating of his heart followed by a heartwarming feeling. Part of him knows that this is wrong, that he shouldn’t feel as good as he is feeling, but the other part is telling him that it is great to finally feel like this. It isn’t that feeling he used to have before Dean broke his heart, but it is more than he has felt for fifteen years.

It is only that they are getting to that friendship, nothing more.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions :)

“Wings, Sam! Angel wings!” Dean exclaims. With his hands he rubs his face exhaustedly. Sometimes Sam comes over Dean’s apartment when he finishes work earlier than usually, he likes to know how his brother doing and to seize the occasion to eat any slice of pie that Dean might have baked.

Sam looks at him with his calculative look. “How do you know they were angel wings?” Sam asks.

“What kind of wings do people get inked? Pidgeon’s wings?” he snaps sassily, his little brother rolls his eyes and makes a bitch face. “They were angel wings, they were freaking immense and beautiful, and—” He takes a deep breath before he drops his head onto the table, resting his forehead on it, grunting annoyingly. “It’s driving me crazy.”

“Didn’t you ask him?” Sam asks confused. Dean can’t see him, but he knows that his little brother is looking at him really worried. Dean answers Sam’s question with a negative grunt. “Why didn’t you ask him?”

Dean moves his head from the table and rests it on his hand, propping his elbow on the table. “Because he didn’t want to! When I saw the tattoo, he immediately turned over to hide it from me. And he looked so ashamed of it.” He sighs and rubs his face again. “He thanked me that I didn’t ask him about it.”

Sam makes a thoughtful face and looks at the mug with coffee Dean prepared him. “Do you think it might mean what yours means?”

Dean shrugs. “Dunno.” He wishes it could mean the same, but the way Cas acted the moment Dean saw it, well, Dean is practically sure that it doesn’t have the same meaning as his.

“And he doesn’t know about your tattoo, right?” Sam asks. Dean shakes his head. “I think you should tell him.”

“Are you serious?” He dedicates his brother a questioning glare. “Sure. I go and tell him, hey Cas, I’ve got a tattoo of the pet name you used to call me because I never stopped loving you. Oh, and by the way, I’m still in love with you. I know you don’t love me back, but don’t worry, I just wanted you to know that. No homo, hey?”

The glare Sam gives him is all coldness. “There’s no need to be sarcastic, Dean.” Dean grimaces and then he looks at the table. He can’t let Cas know about the tattoo. They are pretty good right now and he really adores being like that, although he wants more. But he was given this chance and he doesn’t want to ruin it, and he knows that if Cas finds out about his tattoo and his feelings, he will lose Cas again, and Dean isn’t ready for that. “Your feelings for him haven’t disappeared,” Sam mentions. There’s no questioning voice, only affirmation.

“They never disappeared,” Dean admits without meeting the younger Winchester’s eyes. “But Cas’ feelings for me did,” he adds. Finally he meets Sam’s eyes, all filled with sadness and pain. “Can’t blame him; I left without a reason and he didn’t know about me for years. I broke his heart.” His voice breaks slightly with that last sentence. “At least we are friends. I mean, after everything, I’m surprised that he didn’t kick my ass and he offered to be friends instead. It’s more than I deserve.”

“Okay, yeah, I agree. You should have told him the reasons, give him some explanation about why you were leaving. You were a dick,” Sam starts to say with a serious but sympathetic voice. “But if he knew the reasons, I think he would understand and maybe you could start over.”

“Sam.” Dean’s voice comes rough and hurt. “It’s too late for that. Even if I told him why I left, nothing would change. I still would be the guy who broke his heart and he would be thinking that someday I will leave him again. He can’t trust me to give me his heart again. He did once and I broke it into million pieces.” He explains with a heartbreaking voice. Knowing that he was the one who caused Castiel that amount of pain it’s something that Dean won’t forget and won’t forgive himself for.

“Wow,” Sam says surprised, but there’s sadness in his voice. “Sometimes I forget how mature you really are.”

“Shut up, bitch.” He kicks his brother’s leg and Sam chuckles.

“Jerk.” He takes a sip of the coffee and he smiles.

 

_____

 

_May 1999_

 

It was a hot day and their bedroom’s window was opened. The warmth of the spring day and the soft breeze caressed Dean’s freckled skin. He was sitting beside the window, looking at the street, waiting for Cas to come to his house. John was in another town, allegedly getting some money; but Dean knew that his father was in some bar getting drunk. Maybe he tried to get some money at pool, but that money would never come out of that bar, because it would be spent in more whiskey.

Sam approached Dean and he sat next to him, resting his arms on the frame of the window. He looked in the same direction Dean was looking at, watching the tiny figure of Cas at the end of the street, becoming bigger as he approached the house.

“Have you told him?” Sam asked.

“No.”

“Are you going to tell him today?”

Dean sighed. “No.”

Sam sighed too and rubbed his face. “You need to tell him, Dean. You are running out of time.”

“I know.”

“Then?”

Dean rubbed his eyes and looked up at the cloudless sky, trying to keep his tears in his eyes. “I can’t— it’s too hard. If I tell him, he will do something and if dad finds out, he—” His voice broke and he exhaled sharply, trying to suppress a sob. “I wanna stay, but I can’t— we can’t— it’s better this way.”

“How can you say it’s better this way?” Sam sounded really pissed off.

“You saw what happened and you know that things could get worse, you know it.” He looked at his brother with a warning look. Sam sighed and nodded. “I can’t tell Cas ‘cause he will end up screwed up and you know it.”

“I know that,” Sam said. Cas kept walking in the distance, approaching the house, he was still far, but it could be seem perfectly that it was him. “But you love him, you should try to do something, Dean.”

“Don’t you think I haven’t thought about it?” he snapped with a sad voice. He looked at Cas; he couldn’t see his smile, but he knew it was there. “But we are just kids, Sam. And he would be better off me.”

“You don’t believe that, Dean.”

Truth was that Dean believed it, but he wanted to be selfish and be with Cas, but he knew that if they stayed together, both of them would end up hurt. Dean was never selfish and he had a priority to protect the people he cared and loved.

“I don’t understand how you can give him up,” Sam muttered annoyed.

Dean gave him his deadliest glare and he stood up. “Do you think it doesn’t hurt me? Do you think I haven’t tried to think about something to come up and fix everything? Do you think I don’t love him? That I don’t care about him?”

“I know you do. That’s why I don’t understand why—”

“Because I don’t want him to get hurt!” he interrupted pissed off. His voice was really loud and he was surprised that his voice didn’t echo in the street. He sighed and sat on the chair in defeat. “You know the consequences, you heard them, I can’t let him do that.”

“I know. But you are going to hurt him.”

Dean’s eyes went to the street, Cas was only two houses away from theirs. “Yeah,” he whispered. “I wish we could have met at any other time, at any other place.”

 

_____

 

“Maybe you are right, maybe it’s late,” Sam begins to say after drinking his coffee. Dean looks at him with curious eyes. “But maybe, it’s not that late. You might be able to fix things in between you two, but that’s something you two have to figure it out.”  
“I don’t want false hopes, Sam.”

“I know, but think about this. You two have been separated for fifteen years and one day, Cas appears in the same town you live and you two run into each other; what were the odds of that?”

“Are you saying this is some crap of destiny?” he asks with a disgusted face. Sam pouts and shrugs. “It’s just a coincidence, Sam. Destiny doesn’t exist.”

“Of course that destiny doesn’t exist. But second chances do exist.” He makes a proud smile and Dean rolls his eyes. “You two are the ones who have to figure things out. And you are the ones who have to decide if you want to be friends or go back to where you left.” He makes a comforting smile to his brother. “It isn’t an easy decision, but you have to take it.”

“I think Cas and I have already taken than decision.” They decided to be friends and it is working. Dean might have feelings, but they aren’t returned and Cas doesn’t know about them, so they don’t matter to their friendship. Everything is better than Dean expected and things should stay like this. Both are happy. It doesn’t matter what Dean truly wants.

Sam makes a smug face accompanied with a mysterious smile. Dean looks at him bewildered, wanting to know what Sam finds so amusing. “Just do what you think it is the best for you two. I’m not the right person to tell you what to do, Dean, or what Cas has to do. All I’m going to say to you is that you and Cas might have not left everything as clear as you might think.”

Dean frowns and then shakes his head, followed by his hands rubbing his face in exasperation. He grunts frustrated. “I’m gonna have a headache.”

Sam chuckles and then he changes the topic. His little brother has always known too well when Dean needs to stop talking about something. Sometimes Sam pushes, because he knows he needs to force his brother to let out all that crap, but when it comes to talk about Cas, Sam usually changes the topic because he sees when Dean can’t talk about it anymore.

Long after Sam has gone, Dean is still thinking about his little brother’s words and the inked wings on Castiel’s back. Dean is dying to know what they mean, although if they don’t mean what he wishes, he doesn’t want to know it. Part of him wishes he never saw that tattoo. He is overthinking and he is going to create false hopes and he is going to hurt himself and even Castiel. He needs to stop, but his mind doesn’t will to stop.

It has been going like that since he saw those wings. Every time he goes to bed, his mind starts to think about every single little thing that has to do with Cas and the both of them and it never shuts up. Dean is going to go insane one of these days. He saw Castiel’s ashamed face when Dean saw those wings. It clearly said that those wings didn’t mean anything, that they were just a mistake that Castiel regretted. Like their relationship. Dean feels how that thought stabs his broken heart.

He finally falls asleep, but while he is working at the garage during the next day, he can’t focus properly. He has fixed engines thousands of times, but right now, it seems as if this was the first time he did such thing; like if he was incapable of doing a task he can do almost with his eyes closed.

“Okay, boy,” Bobby says suddenly. Dean startles and looks at the direction where Bobby’s voice came from. He didn’t realize that the old man had approached him. “To my office. Now.” He doesn’t sound pissed, he sounds worried. Dean nods and follows Bobby to his office. The moment they are there, Dean sits on the chair in front of Bobby’s desk and the old man closes the door. “What’s going on with you?” he asks as he props onto the table, standing in front of Dean. He is now with his father look instead of his boss look.

“Just—” Dean takes a deep breath. He really doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t even where he can start with. Bobby knows about Cas, but he doesn’t know that they are seeing each other as friends. Dean doesn’t finish his sentence and he looks down at his lap.

“Castiel, right?” Bobby says with a sympathetic voice. Dean looks at the old man with a confused frown. “Ellen told me.” Of course that she told him. She’s his wife and both of them consider Dean as a son; the same goes for Sam. “Was he the guy who came with that BMW x4?” he asks. Dean nods. “And how are you?”

“I’m fine.”

“Balls,” he snaps. Dean chuckles and looks away from Bobby’s upset look. “How are you? And don’t ya dare to lie to me.” He raises both of his eyebrows in a warning way.

“I’m fine. I am,” he starts to say. Bobby glares him and he is about to interrupt him, but Dean keeps talking. “It’s just that sometimes I overthink about things, that’s all.” It doesn’t seem to convince Bobby by the way he is still glaring at him. “We are just trying to be friends and it is going good.”

“Yeah, but you are in love with him, you idjit,” he says. Dean rolls his eyes. “Don’t roll your eyes, Dean.” He doesn’t yell or raise his voice, but he is quite pissed off. One of Bobby Singer’s qualities is that he doesn’t need to yell to actually show you his anger.

“Yeah, I’m in love with him, but he isn’t with me,” Dean begis to tell. Bobby already knows, so there’s no point of hiding anything. The sooner Dean talks about this, the sooner Bobby will leave this topic. “We decided to be friends and that’s okay with us.”

“It doesn’t seem too okay with you.”

Dean sighs. “I just need to get used to all of this. I will, it’s just a matter of time,” he explains tiredly. Bobby wants to say something else, but Dean doesn’t allow him by standing up from the chair. “I’m okay. I promise,” he says with a huge certain. “Can I leave now? I have to fix an engine.”

“Are you sure you are gonna be in the right conditions to do that?”

“Yeah.” He hasn’t got any other choice. He can shut his thoughts during work, he must indeed. If he pretends that he is okay, everything will be better, right? The less he will have to talk about this. He knows he is in love with Cas, but talking about it won’t solve anything or make him feel better. “If not, just call me here again, but next time, bring a pie.”

Bobby rolls his eyes. “You must not screw it up.”

Dean chuckles and leaves Bobby’s office. He knows those thoughts won’t disappear, but he can put them off, until his workday ends. He can’t let his emotions and his thoughts to get in the way of his life. Dean takes a deep breath and focuses only in the car, leaving anything it has to do with Cas buried in a deep corner of his mind.

“Hey, brother,” Benny says the moment Dean is back in the garage. “Are you good?”

Dean sighs. “Yeah.”

Benny glares him. His friend knows him too well to see through Dean’s bullshit. “That ex-boyfriend of yours is still in your mind?”

“He never left it.” He takes a deep breath and rubs his face. “I don’t know what to do to stop feeling like shit and overthinking every single thing I do when I’m around him.”

“I would suggest you stopped seeing him, but I already suggested that and I know your answer.” He makes a pout and Dean lets out an acid chuckle. Benny knows about Cas and he knows that he and Dean are now friends. Also, Benny had to put up with some of Dean’s shit at work. But Dean had to do the same when Benny broke up with his now wife Andrea. “But Dean, this is killing you.”

“It is not killing me. It’s just driving me a little insane.”

“A little?” He arches one eyebrow and dedicates him a sassy look. Then he rolls his eyes. “You know what your problem is? That you still expect him to forgive you and be happy together as you were supposed to be.” Dean is going to tell Benny that he is wrong, but his friend glares him. “Shut up, it’s true.”

Dean exhales sharply. “Can we stop talking about him? I promised Bobby I would get back to work and I would be fine.”  
Benny rolls his eyes and moves his hands in a defeated way. “Fine.” He goes back to the car he was working on and Dean does the same with his.

His time to go home arrives sooner than he expects and Dean drives back home. The apartment is cold, but it is warmer than the street. He takes off his leather jacket and scarf, hanging them on the rack. He turns on the heat and grabs a green apple that he eats while he looks at the street from the window. The sky is starting to get orange, indicating that in an hour or so, the sun will set. Dean looks at his watch and then at the city. It is early to make dinner and he doesn’t have too much to do, so he finishes the apple and grabs his leather jacket and scarf and walks towards a really nice bookshop where he always buys.

He likes that bookshop. It has hundreds of books. The bookshelves are made of old wood, which look from any fantasy book. Also it is decorated with creatures from any fantasy book, like fairies, witches, elves, wizards, incredible trees… The moment you get in that bookshop, it is like you could feel the magic of the books grabbing you.

The moment he opens the door, a bell sounds and he greets the girl in the cash register, who knows Dean from visiting the store quite often. Dean knows this place perfectly and he knows where every different section is, so he goes directly to the fiction section and he starts to look around the different books. He has so many books at home, but Dean loves reading. One of these days he is going to have to build another bookshelf if he keeps buying books.

As he reads the summary written on the back of a book titled _The Golem and the Jinni _, Dean hears a familiar voice. A voice he knows too well; Castiel’s voice. “How can you not like Poe?”__

__“I simply don’t,” a mainly voice answers. He has a weird accent, like some kind of European accent; it sounds French, but Dean isn’t sure. “His tales aren’t scary at all.”_ _

__“Now they aren’t scary, but they were back in the time he wrote them. And besides, I wasn’t discussing if his tales were scary or not, I’m talking about his style.” Cas’ voice is low, which means that he must be close to Dean, maybe behind that shelf, on the next aisle._ _

__“I still don’t like him. He’s boring.”_ _

__“He’s not boring.” He sounds as if that unknown guy just hurt his pride. “Not everything he wrote is extraordinary, he wasn’t perfect, but still, all his writing is magnificent. His style was unique and the way he told his stories, with that suspense and always giving that slight touch of lyric in his tales, always introducing those ambitions of the human soul, showing the darkness that we all shelter one way or another—” He takes a deep breath. “He is magnificent.”_ _

__“But he is still lugubrious.”_ _

__“I know that he is lugubrious. That’s the amazing thing about Poe; he can be lugubrious and turn it into art.” Castiel’s voice seems further than before, but Dean can still hear it. He keeps looking at the back of the book, not really reading it, because he is more focused on hearing Cas and that guy he is with._ _

__“You aren’t going to convince me, Cassie.”_ _

__Cassie? What the hell? Who is that guy and why does he have such trust with Cas? Okay, Dean shouldn’t be this annoyed. He and Cas are only friends, or trying to be it. Cas can be with whoever he wants. But it hurts Dean a lot. He doesn’t know who that mysterious guy Cas is talking with is. He could be just a friend, right? Dean needs to stop with his paranoia._ _

__“Call me that again and I swear I’m kicking your ass,” Castiel says pissed off. The other guy laughs and it makes Dean want to punch the guy. “Dean?” Castiel asks._ _

__Dean turns his head and he sees Castiel and that other guy, as tall as Castiel, with light brown hair and blue eyes. “Hey Cas,” Dean simply says, trying to ignore the guy. “What are you doing here?” He doesn’t move from where he is standing; he has to remain as casual as possible._ _

__“I wanted some books.” He moves his arm, showing the few books he is holding on his hand. He makes the same face a kid would do after grabbing his favorite toys. His face is all cuteness, which makes Dean to make a shy smile._ _

__“Good,” Dean says. He doesn’t miss the curious look the nameless guy gives to him and Castiel._ _

__“This is Dean,” Castiel says to the nameless guy. “He is a friend,” he adds. Dean is kind of glad that Cas refers to him as a friend, but it hurts to know that he is only a friend to him now. He definitely should disconnect his brain from those thoughts. “Dean, this is Balthazar, another literature professor from university.”_ _

__What kind of name Balthazar is? “Nice to meet you,” Balthazar says approaching Dean and offering his hand. Dean shakes it, of course, as if it didn’t bother him at all that guy._ _

__“Nice to meet you too,” Dean lies. He fakes a tiny polite smile._ _

__Balthazar pulls away and Dean nods. He doesn’t know what to do right now. Shall he move to another section? Shall he say goodbye to Cas and Balthazar? This is a bit awkward for him. And it shouldn’t be. He and Cas are done, they are friends, and yet, Dean’s heart really hurts right now. There’s a possibility that Cas and Balthazar are friends, but if they aren’t— well, Dean is already feeling like shit and he shouldn’t. Cas has the right to be with whoever he wants and find the happiness Dean couldn’t give him. But Dean wants to be the guy who makes Cas happy._ _

__“We are going to keep looking,” Castiel says. Dean doesn’t miss that slightly puzzled look his ex-boyfriend gives him. Cas could and still can look through Dean._ _

__“Okay,” Dean says casually. “See you both.” He tries to make his smile as honest as he can, because he knows that Cas knows that something is going on with him, and Dean doesn’t want to let him know what it is._ _

__“See you Dean,” Balthazar says with a charming smile. Dean waves his hand at that guy. Castiel waves too, unsure of it, and then he and Balthazar turn over and disappear from Dean’s sight._ _

__Dean takes a silent deep breath and rubs his face. He can’t be this selfish. He already hurt Castiel and now he doesn’t want him to be with any other guy. What kind of douchebag is he? For fuck’s sake, he isn’t going to have Castiel’s heart back again, he should be happy that after all the pain Dean caused to Castiel, Cas can finally find his happiness, he deserves it after Dean left. But no, Dean is the worst person ever and he doesn’t want Cas to be with anyone else. He is the worst shit ever. He hates himself a lot._ _

Dean keeps looking for a few more books, he is holding already two books that he is going to buy and now he is reading the summary from another one, this time is a book from the terror section, _Heart-shaped box_. 

__“Hey,” Castiel says._ _

__Dean turns his face to look at Castiel. He didn’t notice or hear he was approaching him. “Hey,” Dean simply says. “Where did you left Balthazar?” he asks as he puts that book on his other hand, the one which is holding the other two books he is going to buy._ _

__“He just paid and left. I told him I was going to stay here with you a little longer,” he answers casually. Dean smiles at those words. Cas wanting to be with him is something that he needs to get used to. But it is something that always warms his heart._ _

__“Your boyfriend is okay with that?” Shit, he shouldn’t have asked that._ _

__Castiel frowns confused. “He is not my boyfriend,” he answers puzzled and Dean makes a surprised face. Dean feels immediately relived by that, as if the heaviest load on the world was removes from his shoulders. Castiel starts chuckling._ _

__“What’s so funny?” He is perplexed by the joy Cas is showing._ _

__“First of all, he is married and with two kids,” he answers with a sassy face. “And second, what made you think he was my boyfriend?” He arches his eyebrow as high as possible, remarking the curiosity of his question._ _

__“I heard him calling you Cassie.” Dean smirks._ _

__Castiel blushes a lot. “That’s a terrible habit he has.” He shakes his head and he glares Dean a little. “Don’t you dare to call me that ever.”_ _

__“Don’t worry, I won’t. I find it hideous.”_ _

__“Thank you.” He sounds so glad and Dean smiles. “I still find it amusing that you thought he was my boyfriend. He is not my type, Dean.” He sounds so sweet and shy and the same time._ _

__Dean shrugs and smiles, turning to face Castiel. “I don’t know. He could be the exception, right? I don’t know what your other boyfriends looked like.”_ _

__“There weren’t any other boyfriends, Dean,” he says with a heartbreaking voice and shunning from Dean’s eyes. Dean’s heart skips several beats with that sentence. So Castiel never had another boyfriend either. Dean swallows difficulty._ _

__“Well, there weren’t any for me either,” he whispers. Castiel meets his eyes and there’s a silence in between them. Dean clears his throat. “Still interested in art?” Dean says pointing at one of the books Castiel is carrying, from the Spanish painter Sorolla. He knows they shouldn’t keep talking about their nonexistent past romances._ _

__“Of course,” he says with a grateful smile. Cas clearly was as desperate as Dean to change their topic._ _

__“Do you still paint?” he asks curious. Cas always liked painting, it was one of his favorites hobbies._ _

__“Yes, I do.” The smile that gets into his lips is all shy and happy and Dean really likes it. “Hey, listen I—” He clears his throat and looks at Dean. Suddenly, Castiel looks shyer and the blush on his cheeks has appeared out of nowhere. “There’s a temporary art exposition in the art museum, there are a lot of paintings from some of the most important galleries in Europe, and I was wondering if you want to come with me.”_ _

__Dean makes a perplexed face. Cas wants him to go with him to an art exposition? From all the people he knows from university and he chooses Dean, why? Dean isn’t going to deny that he is more than glad that Cas wants him to go with him, but it still bewilders him. “Are you serious?” He knits his eyebrows together._ _

__“Yes I am. Why do you say so?” He tilts his head to one side, an habit he has always done to show his confusion._ _

__“Well, I’m not the smartest guy. You should go with someone who knows about art.”_ _

__Castiel rolls his eyes and grunts. “Always with the idea that you aren’t smart. Dean, you are intelligent, more than you give yourself credit for.” His words sound very honest and Dean feels a heartwarming feeling blooming in his chest, spreading through the rest of his body quickly. “And you know about art, but you don’t have to own PhD to appreciate art and like it.”_ _

__Dean feels the flush that it is appearing on his cheeks. It has been a long time since Cas praised him. He looks down, timidly, before his eyes decide to meet Castiel’s again. “Okay, I’ll go.”_ _

__Castiel smiles. “Good.” He seems and sounds so happy about it. Dean can’t help wondering why. “How about this Saturday at twelve o’clock?” he asks. “Or Sunday, I don’t know which day you prefer.”_ _

__“I don’t mind, Cas.” He has all the weekend free, so he doesn’t care if they go one day or another._ _

__“Then, Saturday,” he says nodding._ _

__“Should I wear something fancy?”_ _

__Castiel presses his lips into a thin line, trying to avoid a laugh. It is a shame, because Dean hasn’t heard Cas laughing yet. Only chuckles, but not that wonderful laugh Dean loved so much. Anyway, the smile on his lips is really pretty, so it is something. “Dean, it’s a museum, you don’t have to wear anything fancy.”_ _

__“Just asking.” He smirks. “Tomorrow is Friday, so we can talk at what time we should meet and all that stuff, right?”_ _

__“Right.”_ _

__After that, they go to the cash register and pay their books. When they get out of the bookshop they say goodbye to each other and they walk to their homes, each one walking in opposite directions. Dean’s walk back to his apartment is spent by thinking why Cas asked him to go to that exposition and why Cas seems so glad that Dean accepted. It is strange. Dean thinks he is overthinking. He and Cas are friends, and friends go to expositions together, right?_ _

__Without noticing, he is already in his apartment. He places the books he bought on the coffee table and takes off his scarf and leather jacket before he goes towards the kitchen to prepare supper. He still thinks about the reasons about why Cas wanted him to go. He should ask him on Saturday. He knows Cas is going to tell him something like ‘because we are friends’ but Dean wants to ask. Just in case. He takes a deep breath and continues making his supper._ _


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions ^^

Dean shouldn’t be nervous. Why would he be nervous? It’s just he and Cas going to an art exposition, nothing else. The unusual thing about this is that they are going to do something together outside Friday. They have never done anything together outside Friday. Everything in between them happened on Fridays, unless they ran into each other any other day, but it wasn’t anything special, it was only a coincidence that they ran into each other. But today they had planned to do this. It’s just two friends visiting a gallery, then why Dean is feeling so nervous?

He needs to calm down and stop thinking about the many scenarios that are happening in his head. Cas wants to be friends, he doesn’t love him anymore. The more Dean keeps his hopes up, the harder and more painful the fall will be. He can do this; he can go with Cas to an exposition and remain calmed.

Finally, Dean takes a deep breath and he puts on his leather jacket and black scarf, grabs his keys and leaves the apartment. He has to pick Cas up with his car and they will go to the museum. Dean isn’t going to think how similar of a date this it. At least the part of picking Cas up, because Dean doesn’t think that going to a museum is the best plan for a date. Which is something that this isn’t. This is absolutely not a date. Why doesn’t he have a fucking button to switch off those thoughts? It would come so handy.

The moment he is in front of the building where Castiel’s apartment is, Cas comes out of it and walks towards the Impala. He is wearing that nice trench coat and a pretty blue scarf; Dean smiles at that.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel greets the moment he gets in the car.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean says. He waits until Castiel has fastened the seatbelt to start the car.

“You didn’t dress fancy after all,” he says sassily and with that snarky smile of his.

“Shut up,” Dean says chuckling. Castiel chuckles too.

The drive to the museum is short and it is spent in comfortable silence. Dean parks the car and they go to buy the tickets. Castiel shows some card from the university and the tickets don’t cost them a single cent. Dean makes a surprised face that Castiel answers with a smug one.

“Perks of being a professor, huh?” Dean murmurs as they walk towards the entrance.

Castiel smiles and hands the tickets to the girl who is in the entrance and they get into the museum. The heat is quite high and both of them have to take off their coats and scarves, having to carry them in their arms. It is really nice to feel warm somewhere when outside it is really cold, but in Dean’s opinion, the temperature in the art gallery is extremely high.

They head to the temporary gallery. Dean is surprised by the amount of people in that room, although it is understandable; this is an opportunity to see some of the most important paintings from the most important art galleries in Europe like the Prado Museum, the Louvre, the National Gallery of London, the Hermitage Museum... Of course that some of their most famous paintings such the _Mona Lisa_ or _the Meninas_ aren’t going to be here, but still, it is a great chance to see some of the most impressive paintings of the world without having to cross the ocean.

As they walk through the room, taking their time to appreciate every painting, Dean and Castiel comment something about each painting they stare at. Castiel has always loved art and his knowledge is impressive, but still, he discusses things with Dean and encourages him to share his opinion. After five paintings, Dean starts to talk more about them, getting more confident and Castiel seems really glad about it.

There are a lot of paintings that go from the baroque to the late art of the twentieth century. Dean liked all the paintings, but he isn’t a huge fan of modern art. He tries to understand it, and sometimes he does, but there are times where he thinks the artist must have painted something in order to make fun of the viewers.

Dean and Castiel are standing in front of a painting that it is all black. There isn’t anything else, just black covering the whole canvas. Dean makes a grunt followed by a chuckle, which makes Castiel to turn his head to look at him with a confused face.

“What?” Castiel asks.

“I can’t believe this is called art,” Dean answers pointing with his hand the painting, if he can call such thing painting.

Castiel chuckles. “It is art, like it or not.”

“You don’t even believe that, Cas,” he says arching his eyebrows. “That’s just a black painting. Anyone can do that.”

“It’s not about that, Dean.” He sounds sweet but serious. “It’s about what he meant with that and how he wanted to do something different.” He doesn’t sound very convinced about that. Dean knows that deep down, Cas doesn’t consider that painting something artsy. Cas likes modern art, but this whole canvas painted in black is a joke in Dean’s opinion.

“You know what I think it means?” Dean asks with a smug face.

Castiel quirks an eyebrow. “What?”

“I think the guy was a fucking lazy ass that day and he did that. Or that lights went out and that’s all he could see at that moment.”

Castiel starts to laugh with that comment. It is low, because if he starts laughing as loud as he wanted to, he would be kicked out. Still, it is a beautiful laugh, a laugh that Dean hadn’t heard in years, and hearing it now, even if Cas is keeping it low, it is wonderful and it makes Dean’s heart to skip a beat. Dean smiles happily, seeing how gorgeous Cas looks laughing and flushing, with his eyes narrowing, showing those cute crinkles on the corner of his eyes.

“You are an idiot,” Castiel says in between laughs. He bites his lower lip as he smiles, trying not to increase the volume of his joy.

“You’ve gotta admit that you were thinking the same about that painting,” Dean teases. He missed seeing Cas that happy. After so many years of pain, seeing Cas happy, knowing that Dean is the reason behind that laughter, it makes him feel great.

Castiel looks at the painting and he makes an agreement pout. “Maybe,” he recognizes with a sassy pout. “Well, I think this was the last one,” he says looking around, checking the paintings they have already seen.

“They left the best masterpiece for the last one,” Dean sasses. Who had the brilliant idea of leaving that painting for the last? Is it supposed to be some kind of sarcasm? Actually, who had the great idea of carrying a painting like this? They could have chosen another painting that was worthier.

Castiel laughs again, although this time is shorter and a bit louder. “Shall we leave?”

“Yeah.” They leave the museum and once they are in the outside, they put on their coats and scarves and Dean looks at his phone to know the time. It is almost half past two. He looks at Cas who is walking by his side and Dean makes a thoughtful face. “Hey, Cas,” Dean starts to say casually. Castiel looks at him. “Do you want to go somewhere and have lunch together?” In his mind this sounded better, not like if he was asking him on a date. Which it isn’t Dean’s purpose. He only wants to spend some more time with Cas.

Castiel makes a thoughtful face. “Yes, why not?” He shrugs and keeps walking. Dean is perplexed by how casual Cas is about this. “I know a Chinese restaurant which is really good and quite cheap that it is close to university.”

“Okay,” Dean says.

They get into the Impala and Dean drives towards the university. Once the car is parked, they walk towards the Chinese restaurant, which is really close to the university. The restaurant seems nice; Dean hasn’t been into a Chinese restaurant before, he always orders Chinese food every time he wants to eat it.

Castiel orders some noodles and Dean some fried rice, also, both of them order spring rolls. When the waiter is gone, Dean starts to eat the Chinese bread and the colorful prawn crackers; by this time he usually has eaten, so his stomach is already grumbling. Their food will take a little to arrive, but at least he has something to eat meanwhile.

Dean hears Cas’ laughter, although Cas is trying to hide it. Dean looks at him and speaks, “Still thinking about my commentary about the black painting?” He grins as he asks.

Castiel nods. “I am.”

Dean’s grin gets even wider. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why did you ask me to go the museum? You could have chosen someone else. Any of your colleagues, but you decided to go with me, why?” The question has been in Dean’s mind since Cas suggested today’s plan. He knows that he is making a big deal of nothing, but he wants to know.

“You are my friend,” Castiel answers.

“Yeah, apart from that,” he sasses as he makes a funny face. He already knew that, but he wants to know what else made Castiel to go with him.

Castiel blushes slightly and looks down at the table. He stays in silence for a small moment until his eyes decide to meet Dean’s again. “I like the way you see art,” he murmurs. Dean’s brows knit together, unsure of what Castiel is trying to say. “You look at a painting and you see more than a lot of people. Most of the people I know have a lot of art knowledge, but they only see what they have learnt in books. They just say what some writer has published and start to ramble about stupid things.” He shakes his hands to emphasize his comment. “You look at a painting and you let it get to you. You don’t say any of those stupid comments to show how an erudite about art you are. It’s not about memorizing stuff and saying it to show how extremely smart you are. You don’t do that.” He makes a shy smile and blushes a little bit more. “You say what that painting means to you and what you like about it, and honestly, it is much better than what any book can say, and I like that.”

Dean opens his mouth, unable to say anything. He doesn’t know what he can say after that small speech. He blinks perplexed and he feels how some blush it’s making its way into his cheeks. “Thanks I— yeah thanks,” he finally says.

Castiel chuckles and looks down, hiding himself from Dean, as if he didn’t want him to find out about his feelings or thoughts about him. But Dean finds it cute and he is feeling really good because of Castiel’s words. When was the last time they were like this? A long time ago. Things aren’t as great and happy as they were when they were together, but this is more than Dean expected and honestly, it feels quite good.

 

***

 

Dean stops the car in front of Castiel’s building. “It’s been a nice Saturday, huh?” Dean asks with that soft smile of his.

Castiel nods. He wasn’t expecting to have lunch with Dean after the museum, but when Dean proposed it, Castiel liked the idea. They had a good time in the exposition and at the Chinese restaurant, and Castiel is really glad about it. “Absolutely,” Castiel answers. “See you next week, Dean.” He unfastens the seatbelt.

“See you next week, Cas.” He looks at him smiling.

Castiel nods and gets out of Dean’s car. He walks towards the door but before he opens it, he takes a look at the Impala, which is driving through the street, moving away from his sight. Castiel sighs and gets in the building. He takes the elevator and soon he is in his small apartment. He takes off his trench coat and scarf and he heads towards his bedroom to take off his clothes and put on something more comfortable.

When he takes off his t-shirt, he looks at the inked feathers on his upper arm. He takes a deep breath as he caresses the tattoo. He hasn’t forgotten the way Dean looked at him when he saw it. He knows that Dean is dying to know why Castiel has that tattoo, but Castiel doesn’t want to tell him. Not yet, or maybe not ever.

As he keeps stroking the tattoo, Castiel can’t help thinking about how Dean managed to make him laugh today. Dean made him laugh with the stupidest thing ever, and yet, Castiel hadn’t laughed like that for years. It was good to laugh again, even if it was for one of the dumbest things ever. But Dean always made him laugh with the silliest things. But he always made him laugh or smile. He forgot how great that felt.

Castiel shakes his head. That’s dangerous territory. He is opening a door it took him a long time to close and he mustn’t open it again. Not after everything. He must admit that he enjoys Dean’s company, more and more as time passes, but that doesn’t mean he can start feeling things for him again. He is really having a good time every time he is with Dean and actually, he is looking forward to see him every Friday night, but that’s all. They are just friends, and it has to remain like that forever.

He starts to put on a long sleeve t-shirt and his sweatpants. He grabs his laptop and goes towards the living room; he has to see if his students have handed over a project. He starts to read them, correcting their mistakes. It is a good way to put Dean away from his thoughts during a while.

Suddenly, his doorbell rings and Castiel frowns at his door. He doesn’t receive any guests, except when Dean comes to his apartment some Friday evening, although that barely happens; Dean’s apartment is bigger and he is a great cook, so it has been a several weeks since they have been meeting at Dean’s.

Castiel walks towards the door and opens it. He is surprised to find Dean there. “Dean, what are you doing here?” Castiel asks confused.

Dean gets his hand out of his pocket and he shows a wallet that looks a lot like Castiel’s. “You left this,” Dean says handing it to him.

Castiel picks it up and looks on its inside to see that it is his wallet. He looks at Dean confused and he walks towards the rack to look into the pockets of his trench coat. The pocket where he usually saves his wallet it is torn. “Great,” Castiel says annoyed. He is going to have to sew it. “Thanks for bringing it to me.”

“You are welcome,” Dean says with a grateful smile. “Next time be more careful.”

Castiel nods. “I will.”

“See you,” he says as he starts to head the stairs.

“Dean, wait!” he exclaims. Dean turns around and Castiel isn’t sure why he told him to wait. Part of him wishes they could go back to that happy time when they were together, but they can’t. It is too late. And what if they start over and he ends up hurt again? He knows he can’t bare something like that again. He wants Dean in his life, but he doesn’t trust him to let his poor broken heart in his hands again. Why is he even thinking about those things right now?

Dean looks at him confused and worried. “Are you okay?” After everything, after all those years, Dean’s eyes still make Castiel feel important and special. But not loved, not anymore.

“Yeah,” he answers as he looks down, avoiding Dean’s stare.

Dean chuckles. “You do know that you still can’t look into my eyes when you lie, right?” he says with a sweet and nostalgic voice.

“Am I that transparent?” He hates that his eyes are getting glassy and that Dean can see it. But Dean doesn’t make a worried glance; instead, he looks at him with sweetness and gentleness, like he used to do a long time ago.

“Guess we didn’t change that much.” He props his head on the wall and he gives him that intense look, as if he wanted to stare into his soul. Castiel breaks the eye contact. He doesn’t need or want that stare. If he looks at those eyes, he is afraid that Dean might find something that he doesn’t want him to find. He knows Dean can’t do such thing, but still, Castiel wants to avoid that stare. “Cas, what’s wrong?” The question comes full of worry and with a bit of sadness.

“I’m fine, don’t worry.” He stares into Dean’s eyes, to let him know that he is really fine, although he isn’t.

“Cas—”

“I’m fine,” he repeats. This time he sounds rougher and sharper than he should.

Dean sighs and moves away. “Guess you want me to leave.” He makes a grimace and turns around, but Castiel grabs his arm and stops him.

Dean looks at him with his eyes wide open. They haven’t touched until now. Not a single brush of fingers, not a single caress, not a single bump of shoulders, nothing. They always kept their personal space, trying not to touch each other. And Castiel has just grabbed Dean’s arm so needy and desperate and he is still grabbing it. What is wrong with him? He should let Dean go, but he can’t.

Castiel moves his hand away and looks down, really ashamed of what he just did. “Sorry, I—” Castiel starts to say, but he doesn’t know how to finish the sentence. He takes a deep breath and looks at Dean, who is still shocked, but not as much as before. He is trying his best to pretend as if nothing happened. It was only a touch. But that touch represented what their lives have been; Dean leaving and Castiel trying so desperate to make him stay.

“What is it Cas?” Dean sounds so heartbreaking. Castiel hates hearing him like that. He doesn’t know what to answer. He isn’t sure why he is feeling like this now. Dean sighs. “If you don’t wanna talk about it, it’s fine, but—” He takes a deep breath. “I’m worried.”

Castiel would love to laugh at that. Dean is worried. Was he ever worried when he left him with a broken heart? Did he ever think about him when he was who knows where? He would like to reproach Dean so many things, but what would that do? Would that take away the pain away? Of course not. So Castiel simply sighs, closes his eyes and rests his temple against the doorpost. If he and Dean were completely good, he knows that Dean would be holding him and whispering calming things to Castiel, until he felt better. But that isn’t going to happen now; their current situation doesn’t allow them to do that.

“Hey,” Dean says approaching him but leaving some distance in between them. Castiel opens his eyes and he can see that Dean is really close, something that makes his inners tingle. “Whatever it is, it’s gonna be okay,” Dean says those words with a sweet and soft voice that caresses Castiel’s face gently, like a summer breeze.

Castiel nods and moves his head away from the doorpost. “Thanks.” He takes a deep breath and he combs his hair, messing it even more. “I’m sorry for this, I’m not feeling really good at the moment.” He rubs his face after those words and he looks at Dean, who is still worried about him. “You should leave, Dean. I don’t want to retain you.”

“Are you sure you are gonna be fine?”

“Trust me I’ve been much worse.” He makes an acid chuckle.

Dean’s eyes get glassy with those words and his face gets a bit paler. Castiel can see the moment Dean’s heart breaks. He knows he shouldn’t have said that. “Yeah, I— I know,” Dean admits looking down, devastated.

“Dean, I didn’t mean—”

“No,” Dean says shaking his head. “It’s okay.” He looks at Castiel’s eyes as he exhales sharply. “I should better leave.” He is about to go back to the stairs again.

But Castiel talks again, “Dean, wait, please.”

Dean stops and looks at Castiel. His green eyes are filled with worry, sadness, devastation and tiredness. “What, Cas?” The question comes with an exhausting and hurt voice. Dean has grown up a lot, but sometimes, when Castiel looks at him, he can see the boy he knew in Pontiac, the boy he fell in love with. Now that boy is a big man, a good man, a man Castiel wished he would have the chance to have grown together with. He should be a stranger for Castiel, but he isn’t. Nonetheless, Dean is still Dean. Some things have changed, but Dean remains the same; like Castiel.

Castiel looks down, unable to say anything. The pain in his heart is coming back and he hates it. He had such a wonderful day with Dean and now it is being so painful. He looks up, trying to hold the tears that his eyes are willing to let out; he doesn’t know why he wants to cry now. “Can you—” Castiel begins to say. He looks at Dean, who hasn’t moved from where he stands. “Can you hug me?”

Dean makes a shocked face and he doubts for a few seconds, but he walks the small distance that separates them and he hugs Castiel. The moment Dean’s arms are around him, pressing him against his chest, Castiel lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. His hands come to rest on Dean’s blades, feeling the coldness of his leather jacket. He rests his chin on Dean’s shoulder and closes his eyes. He forgot what a great hugger Dean was. He lets Dean’s warm wrap him, feeling his overwhelming smell mixed with the scent of leather and the Impala.

One of Dean’s hands is on the small of Castiel’s back, keeping him in place, while the other rests on the space between Castiel’s blades. It doesn’t feel forced or awkward, it feels comforting and heartwarming. Castiel can’t believe fifteen years have passed since they last hugged. Fifteen years without feeling Dean pressed against his chest and holding him. How many nights did he spend remembering how hugging Dean felt like? Memories didn’t feel like this; they were never good enough, but this is it.

Castiel pulls away after a while. He would love to stay in those arms for longer, but it he does so, he knows he will be lost and there won’t be coming back. He can’t love Dean again. He was feeling like shit and he needed this, because Dean always makes him feel better, even if their romantic relationship is nonexistent. He isn’t going to hug Dean again, unless he feels as shitty as he was feeling.

“Better?” Dean asks with a timid voice.

“Better,” Castiel answers with a smile. “Thank you. I really needed it.”

“My pleasure.” He nods and looks down after that. “If you need anything—”

“I know, Dean.” He smiles again. Dean looks a bit perplexed about seeing Castiel doing good. “Don’t worry. I’m better.”

“Good. Good.” He takes a deep breath. “Then, I’m leaving, if you don’t need me anymore.”

“See you, Dean,” Castiel says.

“See you, Cas.” He turns around and starts to go downstairs.

Castiel closes the door and the moment he closes it, he rests his forehead against it and he starts to cry. He hates feeling like this, he hates wanting to have Dean’s arms around him holding and protecting him, he hates that aching feeling in his heart. This can’t happen, they were making progress, he was really comfortable with their situation and suddenly Castiel started to fall apart in front of Dean, without any reason at all.

He needs to put himself together, like he has always done. He has overcome from worse moments, he can get over from this stupid small drama he just did in front of Dean. It was only a weak moment, nothing else. They can pretend this never happened, like what happened when Dean saw Castiel’s tattoo.

Castiel turns around, showing his back to the door. He wipes the tears from his eyes and face and takes a deep breath. His hands are shaking and he didn’t notice it. He goes back to the couch and grabs his laptop to keep correcting the tasks his students did. He can’t worry about what happened, it is better if he ignores this. He doesn’t want to trash away the friendship he and Dean have started to build. He knows that after correcting these things, having dinner and sleeping, he will feel better and everything will feel as a strange dream that never happened.

It will be like that. It is always like that.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions

The alarm clock on Dean’s bedside table shows that it is 3:14 a.m. Dean can’t sleep and it is already Tuesday and he has to wake up early because he has to go to work. But his mind is thinking about what happened with Castiel on Saturday, when he was that needy, as if he was falling apart. Cas needed Dean to hug him and Dean did, and fuck, it felt awesome and extraordinary to hug Cas, to hold him in his arms and feel how he was holding onto Dean. It felt great to hug him again. More than Dean could describe with simple words.

Cas grabbed his arm first, which shocked Dean; there hadn’t been any physical contact in between them, and Cas immediately grabbed his arm and he looked so ashamed and hurt at the same time by that. But then he asked Dean for a hug and it felt good, really good. The thing is, what did all of that mean?

Dean tries to find a meaning on every single thing Cas does. For fuck’s shake, why does he do that? Not every single little thing in this world holds a meaning. There are things that don’t mean shit; like the black painting they saw at the museum the other day; it didn’t mean anything. Cas was feeling down and he needed a hug. End of story.

But why does it feel as there was something more? First the wings tattoo and now this. And Dean keeps overthinking about all those things over and over again. It has no meaning; he must admit it and stop with all this stupid nonsense. And if it had, what? Nothing would change, they would keep being only friends. But if that was the thing, then, why doesn’t Cas talk about his tattoo? He has his reasons and Dean should respect them. He knows that they won’t talk about the hug. Cas was so wrecked at that moment and he didn’t seem as he knew the reason either.

Dean rolls onto his bed and stares at the right side of it. His bed is a king size bed, but he always sleeps on the left side, leaving enough space for another person. And he knows who that person is. But Cas is never going to be in his bed. He sighs and caresses the empty side of his bed. He would love Cas to sleep with him. They only slept together one time, but it felt great. Like anything with Cas at that time.

 

_____

 

_January 1999_

 

It was dark and quite late, but Dean didn’t care. He kept running through the streets, holding Sam’s hand with his and carrying Sam’s school backpack on his other hand. It was cold outside and there were parts of the street where the remaining snow of the last days could still be seen.

“Where are you taking me?” Sam asked without stopping running.

“To miss Moseley’s house,” Dean answered.

She was the librarian from Sam’s school, and both Sam and Dean knew her pretty well due to Sam’s tendency to stay at the library for hours. She was a good woman and Dean knew her house was the best place where Sam could spend the night. John arrived home and he started to beat Dean, kicking his stomach and punching him whenever the clothes were. John didn’t want anyone to see that his son was beaten, so he always beat Dean anywhere where his clothes would hide the crime, leaving his face untouched.

Dean tried to fight back, but his father was really strong, despite being really drunk. Sam tried to help his brother, but John pushed him away. Finally, Dean managed to punch his father on his nose and got away from his grip. John was about to beat him again, but he collapsed on the couch and fell asleep. Without thinking it twice, Dean got Sam out of the house with himself. He didn’t want his little brother to be around John in that condition and he didn’t want to be there either. It was highly possible that John wouldn’t wake up until morning, but Dean didn’t want to take any risks.

“And where are you going?” Sam asked worried.

“To Castiel’s.” Dean stopped in front of Moseley’s pretty house and held his little brother’s shoulders. “We need to stay out of home for tonight. Miss Moseley will take care of you and she will bring you to school tomorrow. I will spend the night at Cas’ and then, I will go back home and see how dad’s doing and go to high school.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

“I will Sammy. I’m always okay.” Dean smiled.

Dean knocked on the door and Miss Moseley opened the door. Dean explained her what had happened, avoiding the beating and she said she would take care of Sam during the night and that she would drive him to school. Dean told her he was going to take care of his father, and that he didn’t want Sam to be there because John was pretty rough. Dean was sure that Miss Moseley knew he was lying, but she didn’t say anything. She didn’t know much about John’s alcoholism; only that he liked to drink sometimes and he came home drunk, but nothing else.

The moment everything was talked, Dean started to walk towards the Novak’s house. He started to run when he knew he couldn’t be seen from Miss Moseley’s house. So he ran, desperate to see his boyfriend and have the comfort he needed so desperate that night.

Dean started to climb the house without any trouble at all and he soon reached Castiel’s bedroom window. He stood on the ledge of the window and he saw that Cas was in his bed, already sleeping. Dean started to knock on the window, loud enough for Cas but low enough for no one else in the house to hear it. After a few knockings, Castiel got up from his bed and walked towards the window to open it.

“Dean, what are you—?” Castiel couldn’t finish his question because Dean got in his bedroom really fast and he immediately hugged his boyfriend needy. Castiel hugged him back, confused by Dean’s presence that late. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“My father came drunk and he started to throw things,” Dean started to say. Cas didn’t know that John liked to beat him, he didn’t want to worry Cas. All Cas knew was that Dean’s father had really bad temper and that he was married to a bottle of whiskey. But he had no knowledge of John’s beatings to Dean. It was a secret Dean couldn’t share to Cas. If he told him, Cas would get involved and Dean was scared of what that would led him. “So I took Sam to Miss Moseley and I came here. We couldn’t be there Cas, we couldn’t—”

“Dean,” Castiel said with a sweet voice that made Dean’s name so special and he cupped his face and kissed his lips as softly and sweetly as he could only do. He embraced Dean after that, holding him, trying to avoid Dean falling apart. “I understand.” He made a sympathetic and pretty smile.

Dean closed his eyes and pressed his forehead with Castiel’s. “Can I sleep with you tonight?” he asked desperate. “I will leave before your alarm clock rings, I swear.” His voice was really fragile and he wasn’t sure how he could speak in that moment. “I need you, Cas.”

“Of course you can stay, Dean.” He kissed Dean again; it was tender and heartwarming; Cas always knew how to calm Dean with the littlest things. He closed the window after the kiss. Then, he grabbed Dean’s hand and they went to Castiel’s bed.

Castiel got in the bed while Dean took off his boots and jacket. Then, he got in bed with Cas. The moment both of them were covered by the warm sheets and bedspread, Castiel pressed Dean closer, until there was no space in between them, holding Dean tightly. And Dean held Castiel as well. He buried his face in his neck feeling the overwhelming smell and warmth of Castiel.

“I love you, Dean,” Castiel whispered into Dean’s hairline and he pressed a sweet kiss on his head. It was whispered in an honest, kind and sweet way.

Dean smiled. Those words made his heart melt. “I love you too, Cas.” He tangled his legs with Castiel’s. Sometimes Dean still thought how he could be able to say those words. He was never good with words and saying the L word was something that used to panic him, but not with Cas. Everything was different with Cas.

Castiel smiled against Dean’s hair. Warmth spread through Dean’s body as he felt it. Castiel’s hands started to caress Dean’s back soothingly. This was one of the best things about Cas; he always knew what Dean needed without saying a single word. Dean wondered what he did to deserve someone as great as Cas.

It was the first time they shared a bed, and Dean hoped it wouldn’t be the last. It was just something so simple but so awesome. “Thanks a lot, Cas,” Dean greeted.

“I’m always here for you Dean, for whatever you need. I will always be,” Castiel said.

Dean wanted to cry with those words. Someone cared for him. Someone loved him. It seemed unreal. “And I will be there for whatever you need, Cas. Always.” He really meant those words. He didn’t want to leave him ever. He wanted to be with Cas for the rest of his life. That blue eyed boy was the best thing that ever happened to Dean, and there was no chance that he wanted to give him up. Cas made him feel good and worth; he made him a better a person. Dean wasn’t sure if he did the same for Cas, but he kind of suspected it or at least hoped it.

They kissed slowly and sweetly. “Goodnight, my sun and star.”

The green eyed boy smiled timidly. “Goodnight, angel,” he whispered. Dean felt safe, warm and loved with Cas sleeping pressed against him. He wished that they could sleep in the same bed every night.

Dean had never slept as well as he did that night.

 

_____

 

But Castiel isn’t in that empty space of Dean’s bed, and Dean knows he will never be. Dean closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. The pain in his heart is intensifying the more he thinks about what it felt to sleep with Cas, pressed together, holding each other, waking up still hugged. He should better not think about it and try to get some sleep, because if he doesn’t, he isn’t going to do well at work.

After some more minutes, Dean finally falls asleep and he dreams with Cas sleeping next to him. But at least he gets enough rest to work as properly as he is supposed to in his job. He has managed to shut down his thoughts about Cas while he is at the garage, although sometimes they come back, but they aren’t as persistent as they were.

Dean goes back home after work, but before he gets the key in the lock, he looks at Charlie’s door at the opposite side of the floor. He isn’t sure if his friend is there, but still, he walks towards Charlie’s door and rings the bell. Almost immediately, the red haired girl opens the door.

“Hey charming prince, what’s up?” Charlie asks with her usual content voice.

“Are you busy? I need to talk,” Dean says a bit embarrassed and shyly.

“First, I’m not busy. And second, even if I were, it wouldn’t matter.” She moves away from the door letting Dean to get in. “If Dean Winchester needs to talk, that’s because something is really screwed up and nothing is more important to me than helping him,” she adds as she closes the door. Dean smiles tenderly. He has an awesome friend. “Guess it has to do with Castiel, right?” Her face makes a sympathetic and worried expression.

Dean nods. “Yeah.” He starts to take off his leather jacket and scarf, leaving them on Charlie’s couch.

“Okay, before you start telling me, what kind of ice-cream do you want?” she asks as she walks towards the kitchen and opens the freezer’s door. “Vanilla, chocolate or strawberry?”

“Why are you offering me ice-cream?” he asks confused. He walks towards the kitchen and sits on one of the chairs. Dean likes those chairs; they have the colors and patterns of a stormtrooper.

“Ice-cream helps a lot with feelings, trust me.” She makes that caring face that mothers usually do and Dean can’t help smiling.

“Chocolate, then.”

Charlie smiles and grabs the ice-cream, placing the bucket in front of Dean, who looks at it surprised. How can Charlie have such amount of ice-cream? It would be understandable on summer, but not in autumn. Charlie seems to know what Dean must be thinking, because she smiles and says, “It is for my TV shows marathons.” She sits in front of Dean and hands him a spoon before she grabs one for herself. “Tell me everything.”

Dean tells her about the tattoo and the thing that happened after they went to the museum. He also tells his friend about how he can’t stop thinking about him. Charlie listens to every single word Dean says, without interrupting him for a moment, listen very carefully to everything he says, while no one of them stops eating the ice-cream.

When Dean finishes, he takes a deep breath. “Am I going insane?” he asks desperate.

“No, you aren’t,” she says calmly but serious. “The thing is that it can mean what you think it is or it can mean nothing,” she adds with a sad grimace. Dean already knew that, but he is glad to know that he isn’t going insane. “There’s too much history in between you two, Dean.” She sighs and makes tender, worried smile. “And you two spent fifteen years apart. Fifteen years is a long time, a lot of things happen in just one year, so imagine how many different things can happen during fifteen years.”

“What are you trying to tell me?” he asks confused. He is quite lost at where Charlie wants to lead him with her words.

“Fifteen years is a long time, Dean. How many things did you do during that time? How many things happened during those years? A lot. It wasn’t easy for you to live without Cas, and Cas didn’t have it easy either. No offense, but you just ran away without telling him why, you were a complete jerk,” she says casually. She takes a deep breath and eats some more ice-cream before she goes on. “Cas spent fifteen years of his life trying to forget you and dealing with the idea of not seeing you again. And now there you are, the two of you together, but as friends, as if those years never happened. But they did, and no matter what you do, those past years are always going to haunt the two of you.”

Dean grunts and rubs his face. “Charlie, I’m trying really hard to follow you, but I’m not getting where you wanna go.”

“Cas has to still deal with all of that. And he sometimes will break down because after all, you will always be the guy who broke his heart. He can’t forget that. You can’t forget that. Aren’t you now about to break down? That’s what must have been going on with him on Saturday.” Charlie is right. Dean makes an impressed face and looks at the bucket with chocolate ice-cream, thinking about the words Charlie has just spoken. “What it meant? I have no idea,” she keeps saying with a thoughtful face. “It could be nothing or it could be everything. You should ask him that.”

“No. I’m sure he doesn’t wanna talk about it.” Dean shakes his head. It was hard enough for Castiel to let Dean see him falling apart; he doesn’t think Castiel would appreciate talking about that situation.

“Does he know you are still in love with him?” Charlie asks after a pause.

“No. It would get things worse,” he answers as he exhales sharply, looking at her with an obvious face. “He doesn’t love me. Not anymore. And I can’t make him love me again. He deserves better. He deserves someone who doesn’t break his wonderful heart.”

“I know you are going to hate me for this, but I have to tell you that you are so lovely when you talk about your feelings,” she says, showing how much Dean’s words have touched her. Dean rolls his eyes and kicks Charlie’s foot. Naturally, Charlie grunts and kicks him in revenge, earning her a deadly glare from him. “Idiot.”

“You earned it,” he says with a smirk. Then, he sighs again. “I love him a lot. More than anything. I just want him to be happy. I know I don’t deserve him, but— I wish we could be together again and made him smile and laugh and happy as I used to do a long time ago.” He makes a small pause and grimace. Charlie’s eyes get glassy. “Don’t say anything like it was cheesy, sappy or I’ll kill you.”

“I was gonna say it was beautiful,” she says with a breathy but proud voice. Dean makes a disgusted face. “Why couldn’t you tell him the reasons back then?”

“Because I was scared of losing him.”

“You lost him anyway.”

“I know.” With the spoon, he grabs as much ice-cream as he can and he puts it on his mouth, feeling the sweet and icy feeling of the chocolate melting slowly in his tongue, sweetening it. After he has swallowed it, he talks. “But it was better that way.”

“You don’t even believe that.”

“No. But I believed it at that time. I was young and stupid and I made the worst mistake of my life.” He looks at the back of the spoon, seeing his reflection. Sometimes he looks at himself in the mirror, or in this case in the back of a spoon and he realizes about how long it has been since he last saw himself and thought he was truly happy. “I always knew I was gonna be the one who fucked everything up,” he confesses without meeting Charlie’s eyes. “Everything was perfect, we never argued, we simply loved each other so fucking much, it was all happiness in between us. I knew that sooner or later that would explode and I was gonna be the responsible of it. Cas was too good for me and I was just some idiot who poisoned everything I touched.”

“Dean—” Her sweet voice comes weakly and of heartbreakingly.

“If we ever got back together,” Dean says, feeling how his eyes are getting glassy, he can feel the tears, willing to fall down his face, but he refuses to let them do such thing. “What tells you that everything will be perfect again? Someday I will fuck it up again and hurt him again. I know that. I’m poison.”

“You aren’t poison!” she yells frustrated and smashing her hands onto the kitchen table. Dean meets Charlie’s eyes, which are also holding tears. She takes a deep breath to calm down. “You aren’t poison Dean.” She sounds sweeter than before but still hurt by knowing what Dean thinks of himself.

Dean inhales sharply and makes a grimace. He knows he is poison, even if Charlie denies it. “I don’t know what to do Charlie,” he says with a breathy voice.

“Let’s say that Castiel won’t love you again; do you like being his friend?” Charlie’s voice is now a serious but comforting one.

“Yeah.”

“Then, just keep being his friend. It hurts, because I know that you want to be his boyfriend again, but you must recognize that even with all those things going over your head and all those emotions, it makes you happy to have Cas as a friend.” She tilts her head and shrugs one shoulder.

Dean couldn’t agree more with her. Despite of all those shitty thoughts and feelings, Dean hasn’t been this happy since a long time. It isn’t the happiness he felt when he and Cas were a couple, but Dean is quite happy. “I think that’s a great advice. Thanks Charlie.”

“You are welcome,” she says with a lovely smile. “Now you wanna talk about something else to ease the pain?”

Dean grins. “You are awesome.”

Charlie blushes and grins happily and shyly. They almost eat more the whole bucket of ice-cream as they talk about _Doctor Who_ and what they thought about the last season. When they see that they have eaten almost the whole bucket of ice-cream, Dean says goodbye and heads to his apartment. He isn’t sure what he is going to prepare for supper because he is quite full. He thinks he would eat a salad, something light will do him good.

He brushes his teeth and goes to his bedroom after having supper. He should just get in bed after putting on his pyjamas, however, he grabs his guitar and sits on the border of his bed, starting to rip the strings, checking it the guitar is fined. Hhe starts to improvise, letting his fingers do whatever he feels to. The music coming out from the guitar echoes in the bedroom and Dean lets himself go with the music.

Dean wishes Cas could be in front of him, watching and listening to him as he plays the guitar. It used to make Castiel really happy. That thought makes Dean’s hands to stop and the bedroom is soon filled with silence. Dean rubs his face in tiredly and he lets out a breath.

What is his doing? Feeling sorrow about Cas isn’t going to do any good; it never did. He is still in love with Cas, but Cas isn’t in love with him and he will never be; Dean is well aware of that. He can feel like shit as long as he wants to, but in the end, it isn’t going to do him any good at all, it isn’t going to change anything. He has to try harder and suppress all those feelings, all those memories and all those thoughts. He can’t live in the past. Dean and Cas are working on this friendship and if Dean keeps only thinking about how much he wants to be with Cas again and how much he loves him, things are going to fall apart and they will be destroyed.

His heart will never heal from the love he has for Castiel. However, Dean has to forget all of that. It is better to have Cas as friend than not to have him at all. Part of Dean will always crave for more, but he mustn’t; Cas doesn’t reciprocate his feelings and Dean knows you can’t make someone love you when they don’t want to. It hurts, but it is the cruel truth.

Dean needs to move on, like Castiel did. Sometimes it is going to be difficult, it has never been easy for any of them, but after all, they managed to live fifteen years without each other and with a broken heart. And Dean has always been good at pretending. He will suppress his feelings; not only for himself, but also for Cas.

A tiny smile makes its way into Dean’s lips. He can definitely do that. He has to admit that he is surprised by how far his friendship with Castiel has come; he didn’t think this would last this long. It would be a shame to trash this effort away because of some stupid feelings Dean knows that aren’t returned.

Dean stands up and leaves his guitar on its place. He walks towards the window and looks at Berkeley. Night has reached the city already. Dean really likes the views he has from his window. It isn’t anything as spectacular as seeing the mountains or the sea, but still, he likes to see the city, especially during the night, with all those city lights and all those silhouettes. It kind of brings him some peace and he doesn’t understand why, but he doesn’t care anyway. It might be the idea of having his own place; after years moving from one town to another, having temporary homes, the idea of Dean having his own home, without having to move, that this place is permanent, it makes him feel good.

In the weak reflection of his window, Dean can see a smile. Life is far from easy and perfect, but after everything, Dean has a home, he has Cas as a friend, he has a good job and he has his brother living in the outskirts of the town. Dean’s life is not that bad. After everything, his life is a proper one, and he has more things than he ever expected. He should remember all of that every time he feels his heart breaking again. He shouldn’t complain; it could be much worse.

Dean gets in his bed and surprisingly, after so many sleepless and restless nights, he falls asleep easy. His mind stays quiet and slumber reaches him easily and unnoticeably.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating sooner than usually because in a few hours there's the Cockles panel and I'm going to follow it via twitter.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the comments, the bookmarks and the subscriptions ^^
> 
>  **IMPORTANT:** My finals are approaching and I'm afraid I'm going to have to take an hiatus on writing, which means I won't be able to update this fic or any other in a while. So next chapter will be published on **June 14th**. I'm so sorry for this.

Just like Castiel expected and wished, Dean and he never talked about the hug. Castiel was surprised by how casual and natural Dean seemed during their last Friday night. It felt as if Dean was more comfortable with himself. Castiel was glad by it. When Dean is like that, it eases things and it makes awkward moments like the tattoo or the hug easier to be forgotten and ignored.

Castiel is really happy and glad about how their friendship is being developed. He had his doubts at first, he wasn’t sure how Dean was going to react, and Castiel was afraid that some of his past feelings for Dean would come back, but for now, everything is really good. It took him time to get where they are, but Castiel looks back at what they have already went along and he is quite proud of it.

December just arrived two days ago and with it, the decline of temperatures. It is the time to wear more clothes, to have pink cheeks caused by the coldness and seeing the mist appear every time he breathes, only to disappear in the air as easy as it came.

Castiel is sitting on the chair of his desk, placed in the literature department, looking through the window, observing the cloudy, grey sky. The trees are almost leafless; only a few leaves are still on the branches, trying to fight against the unavoidable; the approaching winter and the death that comes with it. But all those leaves have their days counted and they will fall down and die. New ones will replace them when the gentle spring arrives.

Castiel rubs his face and stares back at the screen of the computer. He still has a few exams to mark and he has to put online the marks of said exams. He keeps reading the exam he was correcting before his eyes decided to wander through the landscape that could be seen from the window. He takes a sip of the hot chocolate he is drinking; usually he would drink coffee but the coffee served at the university sucks, and Castiel doesn’t want to have a cup of coffee that might trouble his hours of sleep. At least the hot chocolate isn’t that bad.

“Still here?” Balthazar asks suddenly. Castiel didn’t see him coming; he was too focused on his task. He answers the question with a nod and a hum. “Couldn’t you do that work at home?”

“Yes, but the internet connection here is faster,” Castiel answers with a chuckle. Anything involving the virtual campus works better and faster in the university’s computers. It doesn’t mean that the virtual campus works badly outside the university, but it isn’t as fast as here. “You are already heading home?” he asks as he keyboards the name of a student and his mark.

“Yeah,” he says with a smile. “My kids must be willing to see me because it will mean it is time to have dinner.” He chuckles with that and Castiel does so; he kind of envies Balthazar’s life. “You should get a life Cassie,” he murmurs with a charming but a bit upsetting smile.

“I already have a life.” But he knows what Balthazar means, although Castiel doesn’t want to talk about that. Not with him. Not with anyone at all.

“How about that Dean-o I met at the library?” he asks with a snarky and rogue voice, wiggling his eyebrows. Castiel moves his eyes from the computer screen to look at Balthazar in a warning way, almost like a glare, but it only makes Balthazar’s grin grow wider. “You two truly seemed to be more than friends.” He wiggles his eyebrows again, this time mischievously.

Castiel isn’t definitely going to talk about that with Balthazar. They are friends and colleagues, but talking about Dean isn’t something Castiel can do with anyone. “We are just friends.” The statement sounds rough and extremely serious.

Balthazar gives him that suspicious look, the one he does when he knows someone is lying. “Obviously, that’s a touchy topic,” he sasses and Castiel glares him this time without any shame at all, which seems to amuse Balthazar. “Anyway, you should give it a shot,” he suggests as he starts to put on his black coat. “The guy was obviously jealous of you being with me.” At that, Castiel frowns. Balthazar only smiles. “Come on, don’t tell me you couldn’t see that.”

“Why would he be jealous?” he asks confused.

Balthazar rolls his eyes. “You are one of the smartest professors in this university Cassie, but when it comes to people, you are stupid,” he states, sighing. Castiel clenches his jaw and his glare on his friend intensifies. “See you tomorrow.” And he walks out of the department.

Castiel shakes his head, ignoring what Balthazar just said. He keeps correcting his exams, but after reading one for less than ten minutes, his mind starts to think about Balthazar’s words. He must admit that Dean seemed weird that day and he thought that Balthazar was Castiel’s boyfriend, but he didn’t seem jealous, right? Why would he be jealous? After all, Dean left pretty clear that he wasn’t looking for a relationship, even if he did, Castiel would deny him such thing.

Dean was the one who left, the one who didn’t do a damn thing to keep in contact. Castiel is sure that if Dean loved him, he wouldn’t have done that. He knows that Dean regrets what he did because he hurt Castiel, but not because he is still in love with him. If Dean was still in love with him, he would have already said so, he would have tried to find him during all those years. Dean moved on, Castiel knows it. He had to; he was the one who ended up everything. He isn’t sure how long it took Dean to forget him, but he did it. Something that Castiel never achieved. He never forgot Dean, not completely. This friendship they have is making him forget feelings, which is a great improvement.

Although the idea of knowing that Dean forgot him as easily as he did, it still hurts. Knowing that Castiel was only a passing romance, that after all, it didn’t mean as much as it meant for Castiel, well, it makes Castiel’s heart ache painfully. Dean was so in love with him during those months and Castiel could truly see the love in his eyes when Dean looked at him or in that sweet smile of his. How could Dean forget all of that easily? Maybe it took him his time, but he finally forgot him, while Castiel carries in his back an inked reminder of a love he had never been fully able to forget completely.

He shakes his head. What does it matter now? Those fifteen years are long gone, and now, for the first time in so many years, Castiel can say that he is quite happy. He likes the friendship he has with Dean and his life is quite good. Those past feelings are disappearing slowly, and that’s more than he could ever expect. Dean doesn’t love him and Castiel doesn’t love Dean. They are friends now. And that’s good.

And yet, Castiel’s heart still aches a little with that thought. But he simply ignores it; it isn’t something important. It’s only that his heart is stupid.

It takes Castiel less than an hour to finish the exam correction and to put the marks online. He goes to his car after that and he drives back home. He feels tired after the long day, but at least he finished correcting the exams, which means a free weekend to do whatever he wants and enjoy it. So it was worth the hours he stayed at the university.

Once he opens the apartment and sees the darkness in it, he switches on the lights and closes the door. Part of him wishes there could be someone already waiting for him after these longs days. Castiel has gotten used to be alone, but he hasn’t gotten used to the loneliness. Sometimes his apartment is too quiet, too lonely, too cold. Maybe one day it won’t be like that; maybe one day he will have someone already waiting for him, smiling when he is back home, someone with green eyes and freckles kissing him as a way of greeting him.

Castiel shakes his head and rubs his face. That belongs to a past dream and a desire he used to have. He is too tired and he needs to rest before his mind starts doing things that shouldn’t. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. When he opens them again, he looks at the empty kitchen and sees that nobody is there, that he is all alone, like it should be.

He tries to forget everything and he makes his supper; grilled hake with some vegetables. He washes the dish, the glass, the pan and he goes to the bathroom to relieve himself, brush his teeth and he goes to his bedroom and changes into his pajamas. Castiel can’t help taking a glance at his tattooed wings and brushing with his fingers the tips of those feathers. He doesn’t know how, but he suddenly remembers the hug Dean gave him the other day.

Castiel closes his eyes and he tries to relive the moment. It was so warm and nice. Hel sighs and opens his eyes. He should stop. He is too tired and he needs to sleep. Sleep always eases things; you can have a bad and long day and when you go to sleep, everything is no longer existent in dreamland, and when you wake up, you have that dizzy feeling of not remembering for some seconds what’s wrong, and sometimes, it helps to forget. Castiel hopes sleeping tonight will make him forget the thoughts he has been having since he arrived home.

And sleeping really does help him. When he wakes up the next day, Castiel feels better. It’s Friday, which means the last day of college of the week and seeing Dean to watch a movie at his place. Fridays are good and they lift Castiel’s mood.

The day passes quickly and time leads Castiel to be standing in front of Dean’s door, ringing the bell and waiting for him to open the door. Castiel would have never imagined that he would do something as simple as this every week and much less that the door he was ringing its bell was going to belong to Dean.

Dean looks as gorgeous and stunning as always; it takes Castiel’s breath away. Dean has always been gorgeous, but since he reached adulthood, damn it, he is even more gorgeous. He is wearing a Henley shirt that stands out the shape of his muscles, and he wears those faded jeans that fit him too well, adjusting to his hips perfectly. Simple clothes, but they make Dean look stunning. Castiel can’t deny day.

“Hey Cas,” Dean greets with a smile. He shoves himself off the door so Castiel can come in.

“Hello Dean,” Castiel says. He takes off his trench coat and hangs it on the rack while Dean closes the door. “How’s been your week?”

“Good.” His voice sounds more distant than before and when Castiel turns his face to look at him, he is in the kitchen. “Yours?”

“Exhausted, but I’m good,” he answers as he approaches the kitchen to see what Dean is preparing. He is surprised to find out what it is. “Burritos?” Castiel asks perplexed. “Do you know how to make burritos?”

Dean smirks and looks at Castiel. “Oh yeah.” He lets out a soft laughter. “Surprised?”

“Very.” He knows that Dean is a great cook and he can cook a lot of things, but he wasn’t expecting him to know how to prepare burritos. He looks at the two that are already done, and they look perfect. Then, he looks at the things Dean is putting into the one he is already making. “Wait, aren’t these like the ones they sell at Taco Bell?”

“Yep,” Dean says as he puts some sour cream. “There’s beef, crispy potatoes, nacho cheese, red sauce and sour cream.” With his hands he starts to bend the tortilla so it finally becomes a burrito. Once he has done it, he places it next to the other two and starts putting the ingredients on another tortilla. “But mines taste better.”

Castiel chuckles. “Let me be the judge of that.” He is about to grab one, but Dean slaps his hand in a quick movement that Castiel doesn’t see coming. “Ouch!” he groans, glaring him.

“I won’t let you eat any burrito until I have finished,” he warns with his brows really arched. He twists the tortilla and a fourth burrito is done. He still has two more tortillas waiting to be filled.

“There wasn’t need to slap my hand,” he says annoyed. It hurt him a little.

“Sorry. Sam used to try to sneak something while I was making lunch or dinner and I always had to do that with him. It’s a reflection.” He sounds sorry and shy. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, you didn’t hit me that hard.” He makes a comforting smile and Dean returns it. “But you can’t help me for trying. It looks and smells delicious.”

Dean laughs brightly and Castiel thinks it is a beautiful sound. He has always loved Dean’s laughter, that laughter to be specific. Not a forced one or a weak one; the one he is making now, all bright and happy, the laugh that makes appear those crinkles on the corner of his eyes. Castiel finds himself grinning, all teeth and gums.

Dean shakes his head. A blush has made its way into those freckled cheeks. He looks at Castiel with tenderness. “I’m glad you like my food,” Dean confesses a bit shyly, but with a lot of honesty. Castiel smiles at him. “And I’m glad that you are here.”

“Me too, Dean,” Castiel says. And he truly is glad to be there with Dean. He might have his moments when his mind starts to think about things that it shouldn’t, but when he and Dean are like this, Castiel is really happy and he feels better than he has been in years.

The final burrito is prepared and Dean hands one of the dishes where three of them are ready to Castiel. “Can you wait to sit down in the couch or are you gonna eat the three of them the way to the couch?” he teases.

Castiel dedicates him his sassiest look at grabs the dish. “Shut up.”

Dean chuckles and both of them walk towards the couch, dishes with the burritos on one hand and a coke on their other one. They sit down and Dean press the play button; tonight they are going to watch _North by Northwest_ , a Hitchcock classic. Apart from science fiction movies, both of them enjoy the classics.

When Castiel takes the first bite of the burrito, he makes an uncontrollable moan. Luckily it is quite low, but not enough to avoid Dean hearing it. He is smirking widely; his grin almost reaching his ears. “Well?” Dean asks with that teasing voice of his.

“You were right. They are better,” Castiel agrees after swallowing. He thinks that every time he is going to have the need to eat a burrito, he is going to ask Dean to make him one.

“By the moans you are making I know you are telling the truth,” he sasses. Castiel glares him for that, but Dean simply smirks. He is about to eat the burrito when suddenly, all the sauces and part of the beef and potato get out from the tortilla, ending up on his face. He was squeezing too much the burrito and it exploded onto his face.

Castiel starts to laugh uncontrollably. Dean looks ridiculous but hilarious. Castiel laughs and laughs, like he hasn’t done in years. He can feel the heat in his cheeks rising as they get redder. Dean glares him, but he has a tiny smile on his lips he is trying so hard to hide, but it can be seen perfectly. He doesn’t last with that fake serious and angry face and he starts to chuckle as Castiel keeps laughing.

“You find this hilarious, Cas?” Dean asks arching a brow and making a mischievous smile.

Castiel smiles because right now, he can’t answer him with words. His stomach hurts from laughter, but he doesn’t care. The sound of this hysterical laughter seems weird and even unrecognizable to him after so many years of not hearing it. He takes a deep breath as he tries to calm down his laugh. “You should see yourself,” Castiel says, still laughing. He wipes a tear from his eye, a tear from happiness. That’s even odder.

Dean starts to wipe off the food from his face and Castiel looks at him with a wide smile that Dean catches with his eyes. “What?”

Castiel chuckles. “It’s been years since I laughed like this.” He thought he wouldn’t laugh like that ever, and much less thanks to Dean. The sudden feeling of happiness that it is filling his chest, spreading fast over his whole body seems part of an old dream he had a long time ago; but it is real and it feels marvelous.

“All you needed was to see a guy whose burrito exploded onto his face.”

Castiel starts to laugh again, this time calmer, but still, he knows it is full of happiness. He looks at Dean, who is grinning. He seems really happy too and his eyes are shining bright. He looks even more beautiful when happiness is all written over his face. Castiel takes a deep breath and then, he bites his lower lip as he smiles.

“It’s good to see you laughing,” Dean says with a lovely voice. “I missed seeing you like that.”

Castiel’s blush intensifies. “I missed seeing myself like that.” More than he could. He looks at Dean with honest eyes, trying to stare into his soul, into those impressive green eyes. “And I missed seeing you happy.”

Dean makes that awkward and shy smile. “Yeah,” he whispers. There’s a pause. The only sounds come from the movie that they aren’t paying too much attention at the moment. Castiel looks at Dean and Dean looks at Castiel. “I’m gonna try to eat my burrito like a normal person,” Dean jokes.

“Good luck with that,” he sasses.

“You fucking little sassy shit.”

Castiel chuckles and smirks at Dean, who looks at him again, happiness radiating all over his face. They don’t say anything else; they grin at each other and they keep watching the movie as they eat their burritos; this time, Dean doesn’t have any accident or explosion with them.

Castiel right now feels as if he was walking on clouds. Feeling this good, this happy, this content was something that Castiel thought it wouldn’t be possible again. He forgot how to actually laugh, how happiness felt like. And now, for the first time in fifteen years, he can say that right now he is happy. He looks at Dean, whose eyes are on the TV screen, and Castiel smiles. Thoughts are quiet in his mind, and everything now is feelings, good feelings. Castiel moves his eyes from Dean’s face to the screen, without fading away his smile.

The movie finishes and Dean stands up to put the DVD in its box and place that box in its right place on the bookshelf. “You are still smiling,” Dean comments with a soft smile. He turns his face to look at Cas for a moment before he places the DVD where it belongs.

“Yes, I am,” Castiel recognizes. “It’s odd, right?”

“But it is nice.” The stare he makes is all charming and heartwarming and it kind of makes Castiel’s heart to melt. “For now on, whenever you are depressed, all I have to do is explode a burrito on my face,” he jokes as he approaches the TV table.

Castiel laughs and he sees that beautiful grin of Dean. “That will work,” he agrees after his laughing has calmed down. Then, he stands up and grabs his plate and his glass and he walks towards the kitchen, to place them in the sink; followed by Dean. Castiel doesn’t know how, but he trips over before he arrives to the sink. The dish falls into it, surprisingly without breaking, but the glass breaks and Castiel’s hand ends up on those broken pieces, which get stuck in his hand painfully.

“Cas!” Dean says running towards him, leaving the things he was carrying on the table.

Castiel grunts and pulls his hand away. He should have placed it somewhere else instead of there. He was about to fall down and he instinctively placed his hand there, without thinking about the broken pieces of glass. He looks at his hand; there are several pieces of glass stuck in it and he is bleeding. “Damn it.”

Dean grabs his hand and the touch shocks Castiel. They haven’t touched again since the hug, and feeling Dean’s fingers on his hand brings to many memories and too many feelings. Castiel opens his eyes widely and looks at Dean, whose sight is focused on his wounded and bleeding hand.

“Crap,” Dean mutters. “Let’s wash it.” He moves Castiel’s hand under the tap and the water starts to fall down on his hand. Castiel grunts again. “Okay, keep it like this, I’m gonna grab some stuff to heal your hand, okay?” He sounds worried but he is calmed.

“Okay,” Castiel says nodding. The moment Dean’s hands aren’t touching his, he hates the loss of Dean’s warmth. He forgot how gentle Dean’s hands could be. He should not miss something like that at this moment.

Dean comes back really fast, running with all the supplies in his hand. He places them on the counter and then he closes the tap. He grabs Castiel’s hand and Castiel tries so hard not to startle at the touch. Dean takes a deep breath. “You’ve got a lot of pieces stuck,” he says. He looks at Castiel’s eyes. “It’s gonna hurt you,” he warms. Then, with his other hand, he starts to remove the stuck pieces from Castiel’s palm. Castiel grunts and groans once in a while.

“You are going to cut yourself,” he scowls. Dean could be using some tweezers, but instead, he is using his fingers.

“Don’t worry, Cas,” he says with a tiny smile. “It’s not the first time I do this.” His words sound painful and Castiel wonders why.

“I’m sorry about your glass,” he apologizes.

Dean lets out an acid chuckles before he washes Castiel’s palm again, which is now without any piece of glass. “Fuck the glass. Right now, what I care about is healing you.” He closes the tap again and he starts to apply antiseptic on the wounds.

Castiel is surprised by how easy, gently and quickly Dean does that. “How many times have you done something like this?” he asks confused. It is quite clear that Dean has done this several times.

“More than I should.” The answer comes in an exhausting whisper.

“What does that mean?”

Dean’s hands stop and they look at each other’s eyes. Castiel can see pain in them, but he can also see in Dean’s face that he is locking in himself. Dean takes a deep breath and grabs the bandage and he starts to roll it over Castiel’s hand. “Nothing,” he says without looking into Castiel’s eyes. And Castiel knows that Dean is lying, but also that he doesn’t want to talk about it either.

There’s a silence in between them until Dean has finished with the band. His hands abandon Castiel’s after checking out if everything is right. “Thanks for healing me, Dean.” He makes a pretty and grateful smile and Dean makes one of his own.

“You are welcome, Cas.” He grabs all the supplies. “It’s gonna smart you for a few days, but don’t worry, you aren’t gonna die.” And of course he makes his goofy smirk.

“I already knew that, doctor Winchester,” he sasses.

Dean laughs and he heads back to the bathroom again. Castiel looks at his bandaged hand and he touches his fingers. There’s a tingling on them, just where Dean held his hand before. Something is compressing his chest, making it difficult to breathe and Castiel doesn’t understand why. He tries to calm down by taking slow breathes.

“Cas, you okay?” Dean says suddenly, worry flickering in his eyes immediately. He walks the space in between them, getting really close.

“Yes, I’m just dizzy,” Castiel says, trying to sound casual. It’s not completely a lie, but he isn’t one hundred percent honest.

“Sit down on the couch while I trash away the broken glasses,” Dean suggests. His voice shows that he is really concerned.

Castiel does as he is told and he sits down on the couch. That sickening feeling starts to disappear slowly the moment he is sat. He hears the sounds of the pieces of glasses being thrown at the trash. Then, he hears Dean walking towards him and he hands him a glass of water. “Thank you.” Castiel smiles and takes the glass of water and takes a sip.

“Do you always get this bad when you bleed?”

Castiel chuckles. “No. I don’t.”

“Then?”

Castiel shrugs. Actually, he doesn’t have any idea about why he has reacted like that. “Must be the tiredness of the week,” he admits as he rubs his face in a tiring way. “I should better go home,” he says as he stands up.

“Let me drive you home Cas,” Dean offers.

“It’s not necessary Dean, I’m fine.”

“You might, but what if you pass out or something in the middle of the street?” He is being a bit exaggerated. Castiel arches one eyebrow as sassily as he can. “Please, let me drive you home, just in case.”

Castiel sighs. “Okay. I don’t want to argue with the stubborn Dean Winchester.”

“Shut up Cas,” he says chuckling.

They put on their coats and Dean grabs his Impala’s keys and they go towards the Impala, parked in the garage of the building where Dean lives. Castiel thinks this is unnecessary, but he appreciates Dean’s gesture.

Night has reached Berkeley and as every Friday night, the streets are filled with people, enjoying the night in their own way. Also, there is a lot of traffic; if it was any other day of the week, it wouldn’t be like this; there would be traffic, but not as much as now.

Soon they are in front of the building where Castiel’s apartment is. Dean stops the car and he looks at Castiel, who smiles at him. “Thanks for the ride, Dean.”

“You are welcome,” Dean says. His shy smile is really pretty. “Feeling better?”

“Actually I do,” he says. And this time he isn’t lying. He does feel better. “So you don’t have to walk me to my door.” Dean laughs and Castiel does it too. “I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused you.” He shows his hand and makes an apologetic pout.

“Don’t worry Cas,” he says shrugging. “Besides, that was for laughing your ass off when my burrito exploded in my face.”

“You—” Castiel starts to say frustrated, but instead of finishing his sentence, he punches Dean’s arm. However, that makes Dean laugh really hard instead of making him grunt or something. “You are unbelievable.” He rolls his eyes with his affirmation.

“I might be,” Dean recognizes with a smirk. “Get better, okay?”

Castiel finds himself grinning. “Okay.” He opens the door and before he gets out, he looks at Dean with a sight that shouldn’t be as lovely as it is, but in that moment, he doesn’t care. Dean worries about him, he healed him and he made him laugh. It is something that makes Castiel happy, really happy. There’s a tingling sensation running inside Castiel, making his chest bloom and his heart beat out of time. “Goodnight, Dean.”

“Goodnight, Cas,” Dean says looking at him with tender eyes and a soft and beautiful smile drawn on his pretty pink lips.

Castiel closes the Impala’s door and he walks towards the door of the building. As every time Dean drives him home, he looks at the car, driving away from him. Castiel smiles, wider than usually and the blooming in his chest intensifies, titillation reaching the tip of his fingers. He knows he has felt those things before; well, he has never stopped feeling that. Maybe the intensity was extremely low, but it never disappeared, not completely. He can’t let himself feel that again; not ever. He should be listening to the warning bells in his head, wanting him to cut down all those feelings.

But he will do that tomorrow. Castiel wants to feel good for one night. Just one simple night. That’s all he asks for. He doesn’t want to bring bitterness to the happiness of this night. Not after so long without feeling like this. Just tonight. Tomorrow, he will cut down those feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember that next update won't be until **June 14th**


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long waiting. Finally, here's the next chapter. Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the comments, the bookmarks and the subscriptions :)

A few snowflakes start to fall from the sky, ending on Castiel, melting instantly the moment they touch his warm skin. He always thought California had a nice weather; it has always been famous for it, although when people referred the nice and warm weather of that state, they usually talked about the south of California. However, the north is colder, but not too much. Nevertheless, this autumn was quite cold and the winter seems it will be cold too.

The streets of Berkeley are shouting that Christmas is around the corner. In less than a week, Christmas Eve will arrive. There are Christmas lights almost everywhere; there is a snowman in every free space, kids laughing and adults carrying a lot of bags. Sometimes a carol can be heard and someone dressed as Santa Claus can be seen. And now it is also snowing; weakly, but if it keeps snowing the whole afternoon and night, it will cover the town, giving it a more Christmas-y look.

Castiel arrives to the building where Dean lives. The moment he is in the hall, the warm temperature embraces him, quickening the melting of the remaining snowflakes. He waits for the elevator and he gets in. It doesn’t take him too long to be in front of Dean’s door and knock at the door.

Usually, Castiel comes later to Dean’s apartment, but classes at university were over on Tuesday, so he will be free until the second week of January. Also, Dean has some holidays too, so apart from spending the night, they will spend part of the afternoon together.

“Hey Cas,” Dean greets with that charming smile Castiel adores the moment he opens the door.

“Hello Dean,” Castiel says with a smile of his own. He steps in and he spots Charlie in the kitchen, sitting in a weird stance on one of the chairs and eating cookies. “Hello Charlie,” he greets to Dean’s neighbor. He has only seen the girl a couple of times, but he finds Charlie really nice and it seems that she finds Castiel nice too. They get on well.

“Hey Cas!” Charlie says really happy. “How’s everything?”

“Good.” He starts to take off his scarf and trench coat. Some parts of those clothes still have a few snowflakes, but they won’t last long. “And you?”

“Great. Dean just made cookies!”

“She smelled them from her apartment,” Dean says chuckling. “If I were you I would hurry up before she eats all of them.”

Castiel chuckles. The cookies really do smell wonderful, and knowing how great Dean cooks, Castiel is sure that his cookies must be more than delicious. “They are made to be eaten, right?” Charlie snaps with that peculiar teasing way of her. Castiel approaches the kitchen table, sitting in front of Dean and next to Charlie.

Dean rolls his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Yeah, but they are supposed to last until tomorrow.”

“That’s going to be difficult,” Castiel says after tasting the first cookie, sounding really happy. It tastes wonderful. The dough is soft but crunchy at the same time and the chocolate chips melt in the mouth almost instantly. Castiel can’t help letting out a soft pleased moan.

Dean chuckles and blushes and Charlie grins. “He’s a great cook, right?” she says really enthusiastic, grabbing a few more cookies.

“He truly is.” He nods and both of them look at Dean, who makes that awkward chuckle, showing that he doesn’t feel too comfortable by the flattering. “Do you intend to do more later?”

The three of them laugh at that. The bright happiness fills the kitchen, even the whole house and Castiel likes it a lot. It is a heartwarming sensation. His place never feels this warm and it is never filled with this bright happiness.

When Dean has stopped laughing, he speaks, “Well, seeing how you two are eating them, I guess you and I could make some more.”

Castiel blinks perplexed at that. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, why not?” he says casually and shrugging. He grabs one cookie and takes a bite. “It’s early. We won’t be having dinner until a couple of hours,” he adds as he makes a casual pout.

It seems like a good idea. “Okay,” he says. “Besides, that way Charlie will have more,” he comments looking at the ginger girl and smiling.

“Aw Cas, you are such a sweetheart,” Charlie says in an adorable way and smiling. She caresses Castiel’s cheek in a friendly and grateful way. “Well, I guess I will leave. You guys have plans and I have to buy some presents for my family,” she starts to say as she stands up. Then, she starts to pick as much cookies as she can, using the border of her t-shirt as a basket to carry all of them. Castiel and Dean look at her; Dean with his eyebrow quirked sassily and Castiel looks at her impressively.

“Why don’t you just grab the whole tray?” Dean says with all the sarcasm of his being. Castiel laughs at that.

Charlie smirks. “Because you need it to bake more cookies.” With that, Dean laughs and rolls his eyes. “Well, guys, have fun,” she says as she starts to walk towards the door. “See you, Cas!”

“See you, Charlie.” Castiel waves at her before she leaves the apartment and closes the door. “I really like her.”

“Yeah, she’s awesome,” Dean admits with that happy and proud smile. “Though she likes to steal the things I cook.”

Castiel laughs. “You can’t blame her for that.” He grabs one of the three remaining cookies Charlie left and he eats it. “I bet she will come back for more.”

“Of course that she will come back. But you can get some home, y’know? I don’t think you are gonna eat all the cookies we are gonna make tonight.” He grabs one cookie and puts it on his mouth and then, he grabs the remaining one and hands it to Castiel.

“I don’t know what to tell you; your cookies seem a great idea for supper.”

Dean laughs again, so brightly, so happily that it warms Castiel’s heart. He loves that smile. A lot of years may pass, but he will always love that laugh. And lately he has been hearing it more and more and Castiel loves it. He has to admit that those feelings he was trying to avoid so hard aren’t so easy to prevent now. But at least they are still easy to ignore, so Castiel does that.

“So,” Dean starts to say as he stands up. “Ready to make some cookies?”

“Yes,” Castiel answers with a wide grin, already excited with the idea.

They start to grab all the ingredients and the bowl where they are going to mix the dough. Dean is the one who does more, because he has more experience; Castiel has never made cookies before, so he is quite lost, but Dean helps him when he notices that Castiel doesn’t know what to do next.

Castiel is now moving the dough in the bowl with a spoon, trying to blend all the ingredients. And Dean doesn’t take away his attentive eyes. “Okay, stop blending it with the spoon,” Dean says. Castiel scowls at him. “Just drop the spoon.” He sounds so confident and natural, so Castiel leaves the spoon away and he looks at Dean, dedicating him a confused sight and face. “Use your hands,” he commands, pointing them. Castiel looks at the bowl where the dough is and then he looks at Dean, who is serene. “Don’t worry, you will do fine.”

“If you say so,” Castiel says wiggling his eyebrows doubtfully. He stares at the cookie dough for a moment before he starts to blend it with his hands. The touch is odd but is funny. He finds himself smiling at that silly thing he is doing. But he finds out that Dean is smiling too when he looks at him for his supervision.

“Enjoying it?” he asks in a teasing way.

“Actually I do.” The answer comes out with a chuckle and a pretty smile. “Am I doing it right?”

Dean moves closer to him, pressing his body against Castiel’s. The warmth of Dean’s body is prominent and his smell is overwhelming. They are too close; there’s no personal space and it is something that shocks Castiel. On the other hand, Dean seems to ignore this fact. Then, Dean’s hands place above Castiel’s and he starts to move them, showing him the way it should be done. But right now Castiel isn’t paying attention at any of those things; Dean is pressed against his side with his hands above his. This is too much and Castiel can’t do a single thing. It feels good, but at the same time it feels wrong. And the worst thing about this is remembering how much Castiel has missed the feeling of Dean pressed against him and his hands touching his.

“See? This is how you should do it.” Dean’s words grab Castiel back to earth and Castiel turns his face to give Dean a sassy look mixed with a tiny glare. Dean looks at how he is pressed against Castiel’s side and after that, he looks at his hands, which are holding Castiel’s, looking shocked about the realization. “Oh— I— sorry—” Dean moves away in the blink of an eye. Castiel is as much relieved as he is upset. Relieved because all those mixed feelings and sensations are gone, but upset because he hates the loss of Dean’s touch and warmth on him.

“Don’t worry,” Castiel says pretending to be careless. He doesn’t want to look at Dean, so he focuses on the dough. “So this is how I have to do it?” he asks in an attempt to forget what just happened.

“Yeah Cas,” Dean says with an embarrassing voice.

“Are you sure it is a good idea to let me do this?” He knows that Dean is feeling awkward and embarrassed, so it is better to keep talking about something else so he can forget it, so both can forget it. “Because I really want the cookies to be as delicious as the ones you made.”

Dean chuckles. “They’ll be.”

After the dough has been blended, Dean and Castiel start to make the shape of the cookies and they put them on the tray. Once the tray is full, Dean gets it in the oven and they start to gather everything up and wash it. It doesn’t take too long for the cookies to detach their wonderful smell.

When Dean sees the cookies are already done, he carefully removes the tray and he looks at their work with a smirk. Castiel waits for the cookies to cool and then he grabs one. They taste delicious; they even taste a bit more delicious than the ones he tasted first, but he assumes it must be because he participated on the elaboration and when you cook something, it always tastes better.

“What’s your verdict?” Dean asks with a wide cocky teasing grin.

“That I’m definitely taking some home if I don’t eat all of them now,” Castiel answers.

Again, the kitchen is filled but that wonderful laugh. Castiel could hear that sound over and over again and he will never get tired of it. He forgot how great that laugh was, how happy it made him feel to know that he was the reason behind that beautiful sound. And he has also forgotten what it felt like to kiss it. He would deny it, but deep down, Castiel wishes he could kiss that laugh and remember the wonderful things he felt when he did such thing. But that isn’t going to happen. He will avoid it.

They stay in the kitchen, sitting on the table, in front of each other, talking and eating cookies; this last thing only lasts until Castiel says that they should stop because he really wants to bring those cookies to his place, something that makes Dean laugh again. Then they keep talking. It is surprisingly how at the end, they can talk about anything. When they started this friendship, they only talked about the movies they were watching that night, but now, they can talk about everything; family, work, books, what they did on their free time, holiday’s plans, TV shows, food… Anything. It has been a long time since they sat together and they were in silence, wondering about what they could talk about. And Castiel is glad that time is no longer there.

However, the more they talk, the more comfortable they feel around each other, which makes Castiel feel more attached to Dean, and despite of trying to dig all those past feelings he had for Dean or to ignore them, he knows that they are starting to grow up again, in a really slow motion, but he is afraid that one day he will find out that he has fallen for Dean again and he can’t let himself do that. He can’t have his heart broken again. The pain is still there sometimes, but not as often as it used to. Castiel likes this friendship and he should stick to it.

Dean starts making dinner; some vegetables in tempura, like green asparagus, zucchini, eggplant and red peppers. Also he makes some tempura shrimps. Castiel watches Dean cook and he can’t help thinking that this is how their nights would have been if they were still together. He still asks himself how everything would have gone if Dean never left. The answer hurts, so he tries to not ask himself that question, but seeing Dean like that, it brings the same question over and over again. This is the closest thing to that apple pie life they never get.

Dinner is soon served and they start to eat. Naturally, everything is delicious and Castiel compliments Dean over and over again. And Dean blushes and smiles, and he also teases Castiel by how much he eats. Dinner is spent in happiness, with a lot of teasing and some laughs. And both of them feel great about it. More than they should and more than they have been for a lot of years.

Tonight, instead of watching a movie, they are going to watch some _Doctor Who_ Christmas specials; it is the time of the year for that and both of them enjoy _Doctor Who_ , so it is a good idea to celebrate Christmas in Castiel’s opinion.

“It’s quite late,” Dean murmurs after they have watched the last episode they had in mind to watch. Castiel looks at his mobile phone to know the time; it is 11:13 p.m. Time flew away as they watched _Doctor Who_.

“I should go home,” Castiel says as he stands up. Dean, meanwhile goes to the bookshelf where he keeps all his movies and TV shows. Castiel walks towards the door that leads to the terrace and he sees that it is snowing with more intensity that it did when he was walking to Dean’s. “It’s still snowing.”

“Yep.” Dean has approached him and he is staring at the snowy terrace, seeing how the snow keeps falling, accumulating slowly, dying the town in white. “You can stay here if you want to. It’s late and it’s snowing,” he offers looking at Cas with a tender look. Castiel is about to say something, but Dean keeps talking. “Although you love snow, so I guess you are gonna say no.”

Castiel smiles. “Exactly,” he admits. He dedicates Dean a warm smile. “I have always loved snow. So I’m going to walk back home under it.” He grins happily and Dean mirrors it. Then, Castiel moves away from the door and he looks at the tiny Christmas tree Dean has on a table. It isn’t bigger than thirty inches, but it is decorated with little Christmas trimmings and tiny lights. Some of the trimmings are the typical ones, but the rest of them are tiny figures from _Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who, Game of Thrones_ and some members from Dean’s favorite rock bands. Castiel smiles at it. “Didn’t they have it bigger?” he asks turning his face to Dean, who is again next to his side.

Dean chuckles. “Yeah, but why do I need a big tree? It’s just me living here, so I’m fine with a little one. You’ve gotta admit it is cute.”

“Yes, it is.” He smiles. His hand catches one of those trimmings. It is a tiny angel with black wings, dark hair and blue eyes. Castiel wonders if Dean bought that because it reminded him of Castiel. He releases the angel from his hand and his hand pays attention to the Spock next to it. “I don’t even have a tree at home.”

Dean’s eyebrows knit together. “I thought you liked Christmas.”

“And I do. But as you said, it’s only me. There’s no need to buy a tree at all.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m not even going to celebrate it with my family unless Gabriel shows up, which I doubt.” It has been years since he celebrated Christmas with his family. Sometimes it was just he and Gabriel, but Gabriel is really busy, so he doesn’t always have time for that. He could go and visit his parents, but it would be awkward; they will bring up the gay topic and Castiel doesn’t want or need to listen to any of that. And Michael will spend Christmas with his wife and her family, so he isn’t an option.

“So you are gonna spend Christmas alone?” He sounds so shocked and devastated.

“Yes.” The affirmation comes in a whisper. Castiel would love to spend Christmas with his family, but besides Gabriel, the rest of his family only judges him and makes him feel bad. If they could accept him, Castiel would spend Christmas with his parents. But that’s not the case.

“Cas, you can’t spend Christmas alone, it’s Christmas!” He sounds so upset about it. Castiel chuckles and he is about to make a sassy comment, but Dean glares him. “Save the sass; I know what you are gonna say.”

He quirks and eyebrow. “Oh yes? What was I going to say?”

“Something like I already know what Christmas is, thanks for the explanation,” he mocks trying to pretend Castiel’s voice. Castiel makes an impressive face. That was what he was going to say. “Anyway,” Dean murmurs. “Do you really want to spend Christmas alone?” His question is sad and so are his green eyes.

Castiel sighs. “It’s better than staying somewhere where I know I’m not welcomed.”

Dean licks his lips and makes those nervous gestures he has always done when he was going to say something important. “Why don’t you spend Christmas with me?”

“What?” He blinks perplexed. He wasn’t expecting Dean to propose that.

“Spend Christmas with me. I’m gonna go to Bobby and Ellen’s house to spend Christmas there, and Sam and Jess will go too. We’ve been doing this for years. You could come.” He sounds nervous about the offering, but the more he talks, the more confident he is. But Castiel can still see the doubt in Dean’s eyes.

“Are you serious?” Castiel asks puzzled, not fully believing that Dean is actually proposing this, can’t he see the implications on this? Dean simply nods. “Wouldn’t it be awkward? I mean— they do know about our past, right?”

“Yeah they do. And?”

“And?” With his hands he intensifies the sarcasm in his voice. Dean looks at him bewildered. “It isn’t the most common thing to bring your ex-boyfriend to a Christmas dinner with your family.”

“I’m bringing my friend, not my ex-boyfriend,” he snaps. Castiel looks at him shocked. He is glad to hear that, but he doesn’t know why it hurts a little hearing that sentence. “They all know about you and what we are doing now. They aren’t gonna ask anything awkward, Cas. In any case they are going to mock me, but—” He makes an acid smile. “If you don’t wanna come, it’s fine, I understand, but—” He takes a deep breath. “I don’t want you to spend Christmas alone, Cas.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time I do that.” His eyes go down to stare at his feet and he makes a sad grimace. He can’t see Dean’s eyes right now, but he can feel them on him.

“Okay.” Dean’s voice is heartbreaking. “If you don’t wanna come, I won’t force you.”

“Don’t use that voice with me, Dean.” He tilts his head up to look at Dean’s eyes, filled with sadness and pain. Hearing Dean like that and seeing him with that heartbreaking expression hurts Castiel’s heart. “Why do you want me to go?” he asks. Dean opens his mouth to say something but Castiel stops him. “And don’t say because you don’t want me to spend Christmas alone.”  
Dean sighs. “Because I want you there.”

“But why?”

“Because you are family, Cas.” He looks down after saying those words, hiding his eyes from Castiel’s. There is a silence in between them until Dean speaks up again, face lifting up to look at Cas. “Don’t worry, if you don’t want to go it’s okay. I won’t get mad or anything.”

Castiel chuckles. “I already know that.” Spending time with Dean’s family is something that Castiel never thought about. There’s too much history in between the two of them and in spite of how good things are between Dean and Castiel, Castiel isn’t sure if it will go well with Dean’s family. After all, they all know about he and Dean, and the last thing Castiel needs is to be reminded of a lost broken love. But spending Christmas alone isn’t too great; he has spent some of them and he feels lonelier than usually. Castiel starts to chew his lower lip, unsure of what to do as Dean looks at him expecting. Finally, Castiel sighs. “Are you going to be the one cooking dinner?” he asks.

Dean gives him that cocky and happy stare. “Yeah.” He smirks. Of course that he knows why Castiel is asking that.

“Okay. I’ll go and spend Christmas with you and your family.”

The smile Dean makes is one of his prettiest and it makes Castiel’s heart melt. “Awesome.” He is so glad and content about Castiel spending Christmas with him; his face is shouting it. “Are you really sure? Because if you are going just because—”

“Dean.” He shuts him up. Then, he gives him his sassy obvious look. “I’m sure. There’s no way I’m missing a Christmas dinner made by you.”

Dean laughs again. “So you are just going there to eat, huh?”

“Basically.”

Both of them laugh softly and the sound of their laughs together warm the room up and their hearts. “Then, come here on Wednesday after you have lunch and we will drive to Bobby and Ellen’s.”

“I will.”

“Sam’s gonna be happy to see you again,” he adds. Castiel can see that Dean can’t hide his happiness. And Castiel really doesn’t want him to hide it; it makes Dean look even more gorgeous. “I should warn you that he has grown up a lot. And I’m not exaggerating.”

Castiel looks at him confused. He hasn’t seen Sam in years, and the younger Winchester was already quite tall for his age, but he was shorter than Castiel at that time. He will see him on Wednesday. He is actually looking forward to see him; Sam always supported him and Dean when they were together and he was a good friend.

“Then I will see you all on Wednesday,” Castiel says as he walks towards the kitchen and grab the Tupperware with cookies in it. Dean kept a few for himself, less than ten, while Castiel has more than twenty. He knows that they won’t last long. And he hopes that Dean will bake more soon and he will save some for Castiel.

Castiel starts to put on his trench coat and scarf and Dean looks at him. Castiel could tell that there’s something more in those green eyes that are looking at him with all that happiness. He used to know perfectly what those green eyes hid, what they wanted to tell, but with the years, Castiel lost that ability. Dean’s eyes are still so expressive, but Castiel can’t read them properly anymore. There’s always something that he misses.

Once he has everything, Castiel walks towards the door. “Goodnight, Dean.”

“Goodnight, Cas.”

Castiel gets out of the apartment and closes the door. He goes downstairs and soon he is outside and the snowflakes immediately land on him, melting on his face, on his hair and on his clothes. The cold tingling of the snow on his skin is welcoming and Castiel closes his eyes and smiles to himself.

Before he starts to walk back home, he takes a look to the window from Dean’s apartment. The lights are still on. Castiel smiles at the window. He will see him on Wednesday and they will spend Christmas together. He should be worried and thinking a lot of things about it, but instead, he is glad about it.

He looks away and he starts to walk back home under the snow that keeps falling.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions ^^

The door rings when Dean has just finished washing the dishes. He walks towards the door and opens it, letting Castiel to come inside, feeling really happy and relieved because Cas finally came and they are going to spend Christmas eve together. Dean is so happy about it, and he feels a bit nervous about it. He is so enthusiastic about it; he shouldn’t, but he is.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean greets.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel greets with a beautiful smile. He comes in and Dean closes the door. “Are we leaving now or—?”

“Yeah, just let me brush my teeth and grab my leather jacket,” he explains hurriedly. “Sit down on the couch meanwhile,” he adds as he walks towards the bathroom.

Dean is really nervous. It is just his family and Castiel having a Christmas dinner. And Cas agreed on doing this. Still, Dean’s heart is beating a hundred of miles per hour. The idea of Cas spending Christmas eve with him it is nuts, awesome, but nuts. When Cas told him that he was going to spent it all by himself, Dean couldn’t take it and he offered Cas to spend it with him and his family. Dean knew that it could be awkward, because after their history, it isn’t the wisest idea, but if they have managed to be friends, they can spend Christmas together as friends too, right?

However, Dean’s feelings are coming back. He has tried to suppress them and he did great for a while, but now, they are back again. He is trying to ignore them, but he doesn’t know for how long that will last. He has to try and be like he has been lately with Cas, just being friends. That’s what works.

He brushes his teeth and he walks back to the living room, where Cas is, sitting on the couch waiting for him. Dean can’t help thinking how pretty Cas is and he smiles. Castiel catches it and Dean blushes a little, but he doesn’t fade his grin away, which makes Castiel make one of his own.

After Dean has put on his leather jacket, they leave the apartment and they go to the parking where the Impala is. Bobby and Ellen live not so far, but they live in the outskirts, in an old house where Sam and Dean grew once John died. They know the whole house from the basement to the roof. It was their home when they hadn’t one.

“Do they know I’m coming?” Castiel asks. His eyes are focused on the road, as if he was examining every single detail of what he sees.

“Yeah. They are all glad that you are coming,” Dean says. He told everyone that Cas was coming over. All of them were surprised and happy about it, although everyone gave Dean that look that meant ‘are you sure you are okay with brining your ex-boyfriend?’ But apart from that, Sam, Jess, Bobby and Ellen were really happy about Cas spending Christmas with them. “And Sam is dying to see you,” he adds with a grin.

Castiel smiles. “I’m really looking forward to see him too.”

Soon they arrive to the house and Dean parks in front of it. Before they get out of the car, Dean turns his face to look at Castiel, who notices Dean is staring at him and his eyes go directly to his. “You sure about this?”

Castiel chuckles in an acid way. “Don’t you think if I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t have come at all?” His question is full of sass. Something very Cas. Then, Castiel makes a soothing pretty smile. “I really want to be here, trust me.”

Dean’s heart sinks warmly with those words. The smile he makes is all happiness. He would like to say something, but he isn’t sure what to say. It wouldn’t just be a reply to Castiel’s words; Dean would start saying all the things he has locked in his heart, he knows it. So he just nods and says, “Good. Then, let’s get in.”

They walk towards the old house. Dean doesn’t miss the quick look Castiel gives to the place. He has always been curious and he likes to look at everywhere, but not in a busybody way, not at all; he just likes to look at everything and admire it. One of the awesome things about Cas was that he could always see light in the darkness. Dean knows that Cas saw some light in himself, but Dean’s darkness was too much.

Dean knocks at the door and Bobby is the one who opens the door. He smiles and hugs Dean immediately and he hugs him back. They see each other at work, but every time Dean and Sam come to this house on Christmas, Bobby seems more than happy about it and hugs both of them, as if they were the sons he hasn’t seen for months.

“Merry Christmas, Bobby.” Dean grins when they pull away.

“Merry Christmas to you too, idjit.” Bobby chuckles. He looks at Castiel. “This idjit didn’t drag you here, right?” He points at Dean with his thumb and makes a funny grimace.

Castiel smiles. “No; I came here by my own choice. I couldn’t resist coming here knowing that he was the one cooking.”

Bobby laughs and it catches Dean by surprise. He wasn’t expecting that reaction from the old man, but he likes it. As he likes the grin on Castiel’s face too. “Boy, you tell me,” he adds with happiness. “C’mon, get in you two. House’s gonna get cold if the damn door keeps open!”

Dean and Castiel get in and Bobby closes the door. Ellen appears and she immediately walks towards Dean to give him a tight hug. Dean chuckles at it. “You are getting right now your ass in the kitchen,” Ellen says with a bright voice.

“Not a single hello or merry Christmas?” Dean asks sassily and arching his eyebrow. He knows that Ellen is teasing him, but he likes to follow her lead. “I’m glad you only love me for that.”

Ellen smiles brightly and she presses her hands on Dean’s cheekbones. She gives him that look mothers make when they are so happy and proud about their kids. “Dean, you know that we love you for everything.”

Dean avoids her eyes and makes a shy smile. Sometimes it feels unreal to know that there are people who love him and care about him. Dean knows he is all crap, but still, there are people who love him. He thinks he doesn’t deserve it, but it is good to know that he has a family who love him a lot.

“Hello, Cas,” Ellen says turning to Castiel. She hugs him, something that Castiel wasn’t expecting by the shocking look he shoots at Dean. But Castiel hugs Ellen back and he smiles. Dean smiles at well. “Good to see you boy. I’m glad you came.”

“I’m glad too,” Castiel admits.

The bell rings, which means that Sam and Jess have arrived. Bobby opens the door and he gives Sam a big hug and he hugs Jess too. Ellen walks towards the door and hugs the couple too.

“You weren’t exaggerating when you said Sam grew up a lot,” Castiel murmurs to Dean, who laughs at Castiel as he sees the impressive expression in his face; he wasn’t expecting to see Sam as tall as he is now.

“Yeah, and his hair has grown a lot too,” Dean mocks.

“Cas!” Sam shouts the moment he steps in. Dean’s brother walks fast the distance in between them and he pulls Castiel into a tight hug, squeezing him. Dean can’t see Cas’ face properly, but he must have a really shocked face. “It’s so damn good to see you!”

“You too, Sam,” Castiel says laughing and hugging him.

Dean can’t help the nostalgic smile on his lips. This moment wouldn’t be so different from the life he and Cas could have had together. Coming to this house to spend Christmas all together and hugging each other the moment they saw. All those years could have been like this; happiness and love and Dean threw it away. He made all of this not happen. And it hurts to know it.  
“You’ve gotta tell me everything, Cas! I have a lot of things to ask you—” Sam starts to say.

“Sammy, you are starting to sound a bit like a creepy stalker” Dean says with a grimace.

“Don’t worry Cas, if he starts to get stalky, I’ll stop him,” Jess says with a grin. Then she hugs Castiel. “It’s good to finally meet you.”

“My pleasure,” Castiel says as polite as ever.

When they pull away, Sam walks towards Dean and they hug. A hug from his little brother always makes him feel good. “Good to see you, Sammy,” Dean says with a wide smile on his lips.

“Good to see you too, Dean,” Sam says when he pulls away, a big smile on his lips.

“Jess,” Dean says hugging her, smiling widely.

“Hey, Dean,” she says happily.

“So now that we are all together, let’s go to the damn living room and tell everything you are willing to say ask or whatever,” Bobby says with his bossy voice but in a fond way, well, his fond way. He moves his hand and indicates everybody to go to the living room. “You sure you don’t need help, boy?” he asks to Dean, because Bobby knows Dean is heading directly to the kitchen.

“Nah, don’t worry. If I let you cook, you would burn down the house,” Dean jokes.

Bobby glares him, but Sam, Jess, Castiel and Ellen laugh. And of course Ellen kisses his cheek to soothe the glare of the old man’s eyes. “He hasn’t told any lie,” Ellen says grinning. “Okay, I’m gonna grab something to drink. What do you want?”

After everyone says what they want; Bobby and Sam a beer and Jess and Cas some water, Dean and Ellen go towards the kitchen, where, as Dean expected, all the things needed to cook with are already settled on the table. Ellen always does that to save some work for Dean.

“You sure you don’t want any help, sweetie?” Ellen asks as she starts to grab bottles of beer from the fridge.

“If I need everything I’ll call you, don’t worry. You are the only one I trust with this,” Dean says grinning.

“I’m really flattered.” She sounds impressed. “If Dean Winchester tells me so, it must be because I’m almost as good at cooking as him.” It makes Dean laugh. Ellen closes the fridge’s door and then she steps closer to Dean, who is already starting to cut the potatoes; Ellen already peeled them. He knows Bobby wouldn’t have done that. The old man knows how to repair a car but not how to peel a freaking potato. “You are still in love with him, right?” she whispers.

Dean stops cutting and he looks at her, trying not to seem shocked by her statement. Ellen’s eyes are warm but worried at the same time. “Why do you think so?”

“Oh Dean, you haven’t seen yourself looking at him. Those eyes of yours tell more than you think.” She sounds sad about it and Dean can’t look into her eyes right now. Ellen has seen in just a few minutes what Dean has been trying so hard to hide during weeks. He promised himself to start moving on, to accept that if he kept in love with Castiel there wouldn’t be any progress, and he believed that he moved on, that his love for Cas was starting to slowly fade away, but it wasn’t. It was just a lie.

“It doesn’t matter,” Dean finally says. He focuses on the potatoes, trying to look casual, pretending that he isn’t affected right now, although he knows that it won’t serve at all.

“Dean—”

“No,” he says sharply but hurt. Ellen looks at him confused. Dean sighs. “Don’t give me any talk, don’t tell me some kind of profound speech. He doesn’t love me. We are just friends, and that’s awesome, really.”

Ellen blows and gives him that warning look and Dean expects her to say something, but instead, she just caresses his cheek in a soothing way. “Truth be told, I’ve never seen you as happy as you are now, although you are still sad.” Her thumb moves on Dean’s cheek. Dean closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, leaning into her touch. “But at least your smile is genuine,” she adds. Dean opens his eyes and looks at her surprised. Ellen has a warm smile drawn on her lips. “Well, I should better bring these before Bobby starts complaining.” She laughs and she leaves the kitchen.

Dean takes a deep breath and rubs his eyes. He should better not think about that little conversation. It is better if he just focuses on making dinner. He doesn’t want his feelings tonight. Dean only wants to spend a night with his family and enjoy it. That’s all. He isn’t asking that much. So if he puts away all his feelings, he will make it.

As Dean is in the kitchen preparing dinner, he can hear the laughter from the living room sometimes. He is glad to know that all of them are having fun and talking. He doesn’t know what they must be talking about, although he knows that Sam must be asking a lot of things to Cas, but still, Dean is glad that his family is having a great time.

He is putting some potatoes and some vegetables on the tray where the beef rests when Castiel talks, “How are you doing?”

Dean turns his face and sees Castiel leaning his shoulder on the doorpost, looking at him with fond and curious eyes. Dean smiles. “Good. Busy, but good,” Dean answers. He adds a few more vegetables around the beef. “Have they asked you a lot of things?” he asks with a teasing smile.

Castiel chuckles and he starts to walk towards Dean. “A bit. Mostly Sam.” He stops when he is next to Dean and Dean likes the proximity of their bodies. There’s still some important space in between them, but he likes having Cas close. “He has been asking me about my studies, my work, my family and everything it came to his mind. Jessica couldn’t stop telling him to stop because it was starting to look as if he was a cop and I was a delinquent.” Both of them laugh. “But I also asked him a few things too, so I think we are even.” He smiles and shrugs. “He is still that curious little boy.”

“I wouldn’t say ‘little’ to Sam anymore.” Dean chuckles.

“I know.” Castiel laughs. That sound is one of the most beautiful things Dean has ever heard. He loves it.

“So, are you having a good time by far?”

“I am. Although it would be better if you joined us.” He pouts.

Dean looks at him. He still has difficulties when it comes to Cas wanting him to be there. It still puzzles Dean. “Yeah, but I’m the chef. So I can’t leave until I’m done.” He grabs the tray and walks towards the oven. He opens the door and gets the tray in. Then he closes that door and walks towards the table so he can start making the pumpkin pie. “I still have to make the pie, the sauces and some tomato tartlets.”

“Tomato tartlets?”

“Yeah.” He starts to spread the dough of the pie with the roller as he speaks. “As an appetizer before we wait for the roast beef. It has tomato, grilled cheese and crunchy bread.”

“Sounds delicious.” His grin is more than beautiful and Dean would love to kiss it right now. But instead, he looks at the dough and smiles shyly. Hiding himself from Cas, just in case he can see in his eyes what Dean truly wants. “Let me help you,” he says as he starts to roll his sleeves up.

“No, Cas. I’m doing fine, don’t worry,” he says rushed.

“Shut up,” he says bossy and Dean gives him a sassy look. “The more help you get, the sooner you will finish. And I’m sure that your family wants you to be with them instead of being here in the kitchen the whole time.” He sounds so serious and confident about his words, and with his eyes he is telling Dean not to disagree or sass him. “What should I do?”

Dean makes a happy sigh. “Slice the pumpkin.”

“Okay.” He smiles and he starts to do what Dean just told him. “Why don’t you let anybody of them help you?”

“Bobby can’t cook unless it comes in a can. Ellen works at the Roadhouse and she spends more time cooking than anyone else. Sam isn’t bad at cooking, but he isn’t great. And Jess starts to eat everything as she cooks.” Dean laughs with the last part. “Although after an hour or so, Sam and Jess always arrive to help me with something, and then Ellen comes. But it seems that you have been the first one tonight.” And he is so glad that Cas has been the first one to do so.

Dean can see a slight flush spreading through the pretty cheeks of Cas. Dean smiles in success; he loves making Cas blush. He has always loved it. And he loves it more if a smile accompanies it; which now it is the case. It makes Dean feel an overwhelming warm sensation that tingles in his limbs.

Both of them keep preparing the pumpkin pie, chatting once in a while and then going into a comfortable silence. Dean feels good doing this with Cas. He is happy that Cas is here spending Christmas. Dean is so fucking happy that he is in this house with people that he cares about and they care about him.

“How you guys doing?” Sam asks as he steps in the kitchen.

“I think that we are doing good,” Castiel answers smiling. Then, he looks at his hands, all stained with flour. “A bit messy, but good.” Dean doesn’t miss how Castiel’s grin gets bigger.

“Are you here to help or to supervise?” Dean asks with a cocky smirk. “Or you are hungry and you are gonna grab something?” He knows his little brother and his immense appetite.

Sam just grins and grabs one apple from the fruit bowl. He takes a bite, which sounds perfectly in the kitchen. As he chews it, he smiles. “First eat, then help,” Sam says after swallowing.

Dean rolls his eyes and he gets the pie in the oven, in the space next to where the beef is. The beef will take a long time to be done, so Dean seizes the empty side of the oven so the pie can be baked. He walks towards the table, where Castiel is and Dean helps him to clean it.

“You are a bit of a mess in the kitchen, Cas.” Dean chuckles as he looks at how there’s flour almost everywhere.

“Only a bit?” Castiel asks sassily and Dean laughs. “Have you actually looked at me?” With his hand, Castiel points at himself and Dean sees that there’s flour on his pants and sweater. There’s also on his face. He is more than a bit of a mess.

“Flour looks good on you,” he teases.

Castiel punches his arm and Dean laughs. “You are unbelievable.” He tries to sound serious, but the grin he is making is telling otherwise. They look at each other for a moment, grins on their faces, and then, they keep cleaning the table. “I should better get this flour out of me,” Castiel murmurs after a while. “Where’s the bathroom?”

“First door on the right.”

Castiel nods and he goes towards the bathroom. Dean grabs a bowl they used before and places it on the sink. He doesn’t miss the look Sam gives him the moment Dean has turned around. Dean takes a deep breath. “C’mon, just shoot it; you are willing to say it.”

Sam makes a soft chuckle and throws the remaining of the apple in the bin. Then, he looks at his brother with that cautious but warm stare. “You sure you want me to say it?” Sam asks.

“Ellen has already told me something. Why not you too?” he snaps. He really doesn’t want to bring the topic of his feelings tonight.

Sam exhales sharply and he makes a grimace. He doesn’t say a word and it confuses Dean, who lets his little brother know it by his stare. “You will never stop loving him, won’t you?”

Dean closes his eyes and swallows with difficulty. He has asked himself that question too many times. He has tried to change the answer, to believe in the false one, but he knows he will always love Cas. He shakes his head and answers, “No, I won’t.” Sam places his hand on Dean’s shoulder and squeezes it. When Dean opens his eyes, he sees that Sam is making a soothing smile and Dean sighs and nods. “Okay, wash the damn dishes little bro. I don’t want you to screw up the food,” he says before moving away.

“Jerk.”

“Bitch.”

They act as if they didn’t talk about it. After all, they didn’t say much, but it doesn’t matter; those words are heavy in Dean’s chest and he should better ignore it. Castiel comes from the bathroom after a while, without any trace of flour on his clothes or his face and Dean smiles at him, which earns him a tiny, shy smile from the blue eyed man.

The three of them stay in the kitchen, Dean and Castiel busy with dinner, although Dean is the one who does most, and Sam washing the dishes. They chat about anything that comes to their minds. Their time it is spent like that until Jess and Ellen arrive to supervise the job the three of them are doing. Dean has to keep Jess away from the food, but she keeps getting a bit of everything. Then, Ellen and Jess start to grab all the cutlery for dinner and they bring them to the living room.

Once the pie is baked and getting cold on the table, Dean starts to make the tomato tartlets. Bobby takes a quick look at everything and he makes a satisfactory smile to Dean before he indicates Sam and Castiel to come to the living room, leaving Dean alone in the kitchen.

The tomato tartlets are soon done and Dean brings them to the table. The free seat is placed next to Cas and in front of Sam. Next to his little brother, there’s Jess, and Bobby and Ellen are sitting in front of each other, on the narrowest side of the table, where only one person can be.

As Dean knew, the appetizer is soon eaten; everyone is hungry, including Dean, and everyone seems to be willing to eat what Dean made. Dean loves seeing that the things he cooks can make people that happy and satisfied.

The roast beef is served and while they eat, everyone is chatting. Dean likes being like this, with his family all gathered together and eating and being happy. He doesn’t miss for a single moment the grins Cas makes the whole dinner, and Dean’s heart skips a beat every time Cas laughs. The dinner is spent in a warm and wonderful way, with a lot of laughs and smiles and chatting and even teasing. Dean has always been happy when he had to spend Christmas like this, but this time it is happier. Dean knows the main reason, the person who has made this night to be even happier for him. And he is so glad about it.

Naturally, everything is eaten and not a single thing is left. Even they don’t leave a single slice of pie, despite of being quite full after dinner. That’s why all of them don’t move from the table for a while; because they are really full and no one of them seems to have enough strength or will to move a single muscle.

“I’m glad that I finally decided to come here,” Castiel murmurs gladly. He moves his eyes to look at Dean’s. “I think this was the best and tastiest Christmas dinner of my life.

Dean chuckles. “Thanks, Cas.”

“Boy’s got talent,” Bobby murmurs as he settles more comfortable on the chair. “I wouldn’t mind eating another beef.”

“Bobby, you can’t even move,” Ellen says with a teasing smile.

“And neither do you. And I know you wouldn’t mind eating more if it came from the boy.”

Ellen rolls her eyes and the rest of them chuckle. Sam looks at his watch and grimaces. “It’s getting late,” Sam comments. Dean checks his phone to look at the time; there’s less than thirty minutes left to midnight. “We should better gather this up and then leave, don’t you think?” he asks Jess, who nods sleepy.

All of them bring all the dirty dishes, used cutlery, empty glasses and trays to the kitchen. Ellen gets everything she can in the dishwasher machine, except the tray, which is too big for it. Once the table is cleaned and everything is where it has to be, everyone says goodbye to each other with hugs. Even Cas gets hugs from everyone.

Dean and Castiel get in the Impala and Dean drives back to Castiel’s apartment. He drives slowly, because he is quite tired and feeling a bit sleepy. The roads are quiet; people must be still at their homes and they won’t pick up their car until morning. Some snow is falling, but not too much.

“Did you enjoy the night, Cas?” Dean asks as he takes a quick look at Castiel.

“Very much,” Castiel answers smiling. “I don’t think I had a Christmas dinner as lovely and wonderful as this one.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” He truly is glad to know that Cas had a great time. Dean was worried that something could go wrong, but it didn’t. Everything was as great as usually, although it was better because of Cas’ presence, but that’s another thing.

Soon they are in front of the building of Castiel’s apartment. “Can you park the car?” Castiel asks and Dean frowns at him confused. “I want to give you your Christmas present.”

Dean looks at him surprised. He wasn’t expecting Cas to buy him anything. He bought something for Cas, which is in the trunk. Dean wanted to give it to Cas once they were in front of the building where Castiel lives. “You got me a Christmas present?”

“Of course. And I know you bought me one too.” His smile is all happiness and sassiness. “And if I’m not wrong, it must be in the trunk.”

“How the hell do you know that?” He is now shocked that Cas actually knows that. Did he see Dean putting the gift there?

Castiel laughs and it warms Dean’s heart, like it always does. “You are so predictable sometimes, Dean.”

“And you are such a sassy son of a bitch,” he snaps sweetly. Both of them laugh. “Okay, I’ll park right there,” he says pointing with his head the free spot.

Dean parks the car and he gets the bag where Castiel’s gift is in out of the trunk. Castiel gives the bag a curious look and then he smiles shyly at Dean. They walk towards the door and they wait for the lift to come. When the elevator’s doors are opened, they step in and they get to the fifth floor, where Castiel lives. They get into the small apartment and Castiel switches on the lights. It has been weeks since Dean was at Castiel’s apartment. They always meet at Dean’s, because it is bigger and that way, Castiel can have for dinner something Dean cooked.

Castiel takes off his trench coat and he walks towards his bedroom, Dean guesses that it is to grab his present. And he is right, because when Castiel comes back, he is carrying a paper bag with himself. Dean grins at it, wondering what Castiel got him.

“Merry Christmas, Dean,” Castiel says handing him the bag.

Dean does the same with his. “Merry Christmas, Cas.” He grabs the wrapped gift and he starts to remove the wrap. It is soon revealed that the gift is a book about Vonnegut’s life, with curiosities about his books and with illustrations of all his drawings. Dean looks at it perplexed. “Cas—” He starts to say. He looks at Cas, who still hasn’t opened his gif yet and who is smiling as wide as possible, showing his teeth and gums. “This book wasn’t supposed to come out until February.”

“Perks of being a literature professor.” He smirks.

“Thanks a lot, Cas.” And without thinking it twice, he throws himself at Castiel and hugs him tightly. Dean feels Castiel tense at first, shocked by Dean’s action, but it only lasts a few seconds. He relaxes and hugs Dean back. The hug is warm and it brings a lot of memories to Dean. If he could, he would keep hugging Cas the rest of the night.

“You are welcome, Dean.”

“It’s awesome. Thanks a lot,” he says after pulling away, hating the loss of Castiel’s body pressed against his. “Okay, open yours now.”

Castiel starts to unwrap his present. Once it is revealed, he opens his eyes widely and looks at Dean in disbelief. “Dean,” he simply says, unable to say anything more. He opens the watercolor case, looking amazed at the more of one hundred colors and the couple brushes it has. He closes it and looks at Dean, with his prettiest and most grateful smile. Like Dean, he thanks the gesture with a hug, and Dean hugs him back immediately. “Thanks a lot; I was looking for good quality watercolors for a long time.”

“You said you still painted, so I thought it was a great gift,” he says shyly and looking at Castiel, who has pulled away from his arms. “I thought about color pencils, but I wasn’t sure if you kept them or—”

“I still have them,” Castiel says proudly.

 

_____

 

_December 1998_

 

Dean was outside the house, cleaning the snow from the entrance. John was definitely not going to do that. His father appeared for Christmas, but only to crash down on the couch and sleep. Dean had to make dinner for himself and Sammy. It wasn’t a decent Christmas dinner, but at least they had some delicious sandwiches and they spent it together. They even spent the few presents they got for each other with the little money they had.

When morning arrived, John left. Dean knew he was going to a bar that was opened and he wouldn’t appear until night, to go back to sleep. So Dean, like always, had to take care of everything. He needed to clean the snow from the lawn, in case that someone could have an accident.

As Dean kept removing the snow, the sound of someone running was getting closer. Dean turned his face and he saw that Castiel was the one running, carrying a bag with himself and smiling brightly. Dean smiled, happy to see his boyfriend like that, so content and enthusiastic.

“Merry Christmas, Dean,” Castiel said once he was in front of Dean. He was panting. White mist came out with every breath he took and his cheeks were pink because of the cold and the run.

Dean smiled and cupped Castiel’s face to kiss him sweetly. “Merry Christmas, Cas.” Both of them grinned and Castiel kissed Dean again. Dean didn’t have a single complain about it; he loved Castiel’s kisses; every single kiss the blue eyed boy gave; from the gentlest to the fiercest.

“I got you a present,” Castiel announced waving the bag he was holding. Dean caught it and got the gift out it. He started unwrapping it immediately. It was _Breakfast of the Champions_ by Vonnegut. It was one of the few books from Vonnegut that Dean didn’t have. “Look at the first page!” Castiel encouraged.

Dean frowned confused and he did what he was told. The first page of the book contained Vonnegut’s signature with a dedicatory. Dean blinked perplexed at Vonnegut’s dedicatory and then at Castiel, trying to assimilate that Kurt freaking Vonnegut signed that book and dedicated it to Dean. “How— Cas—” He started to babble. He was so shocked and excited that he couldn’t form proper sentences. “How?”

Castiel grinned happily and sassily. “Remember that weekend I went with my parents to New York?” he asked and Dean nodded. “I seized the occasion and bought you that book and asked Vonnegut to sign it.”

“Cas— holy fuck— I—” Words were stuck in his throat, so Dean just gave up and kissed Castiel passionately to show him with it what he couldn’t say with words. It surprised Castiel at first, but then, Castiel kissed him back and started giggling. “Thanks a lot, Cas.”

“You are welcome.” He grinned as beautiful as always. “I’m glad that you like it.”

“I love it.” He caressed the page where Vonnegut signed, trying to make sure that it was real. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” With those words, he blushed even more.

Dean grabbed Castiel’s hand, tangling their fingers together. “C’mon, I gotta give you your Christmas gift!” he said before running towards the house, without letting Cas’ hand go. They went upstairs, towards Sam and Dean’s bedroom. Dean placed the book Cas gave him in the small bookshelf he and his little brother had and after that, he opened the wardrobe and grabbed the bag where Castiel’s present was. “Here it is,” he said handing the bag to Castiel.

Castiel smiled widely and he grabbed the wrapped present. Once he unwrapped it, his eyes opened widely in shock and his mouth was parted. He looked at Dean in disbelief, as if he was expecting it not to be real. “Dean, this is so expensive,” he said looking at the one hundred Faber-Castell color pencil set Dean gave him. “This costs almost seven hundred dollars— how—”

But Dean didn’t let him finish. He kissed Castiel tenderly. “Don’t worry about the money, Cas. I got some savings and I stole money from my dad. He was gonna spent it on booze. It was better to buy you something that you would love,” he said after the kiss, making a comforting smile.

“Dean—” His blue eyes were getting glassy. He inhaled needy and looked at Dean. “This is too much Dean. I don’t deserve it. You bought me an awesome present and I just gave you that book—”

“With Vonnegut’s signature,” he interrupted. He placed his hands on Castiel’s shoulders. “That was the best gift I ever had Cas. I loved it. And you fucking deserve those pencils.”

Castiel made a shy smile and kissed Dean. “I love you so much.”

“I know.” Dean grinned. Castiel chuckled and rolled his eyes. “I love you too.”

Castiel’s grin got bigger and Dean had the urge to felt it in a kiss. He always needed to feel Cas’ happiness when they kissed. It was an awesome feeling. “So, it is mine?” Castiel asked shyly and awkwardly, with a timid smile on his lips after they kissed.  
Dean couldn’t help the small laugh he made. “Yeah. You better start drawing pieces of art with that.”

Both of them laughed and kissed after Dean’s comment.

 

_____

 

Castiel keeps looking at the watercolors with a wide grin on his face. Dean is so glad to know that he loves them and that he kept the pencils he got him from Christmas a long time ago. “You do know that I stole those pencils, right?” Dean asks with a dork smile.

Castiel raises his eyes from the set to look at Dean’s eyes, showing his stupefaction. “I thought you stole your father’s money,” he says frowning.

Dean rubs the back of his neck nervously. “Yeah, well— I lied,” he confesses with an awkward grin. “You wouldn’t have accepted it if I told you they were stolen, right?”

“Right.” He chuckles. “You stole a set of pencils that costs almost seven hundred dollars for me?”

Of course that Dean did it. He would have stolen the whole store if he could. Castiel always said that he needed good quality pencils for drawing and that someday he would save money and got them. So Dean just got at night into the art store and he stole the pencils for Cas. He wanted his boyfriend to have the best gift of his life and something he really wanted. It wasn’t hard and the store didn’t have an alarm. It was a piece of cake.

“Yeah. It didn’t give me any trouble at all. I just grabbed the one with more pencils and I ran as fast as I could,” Dean explains. Castiel laughs loudly and brightly, making the crinkles of his eyes appear and flushing of happiness. Dean joins his laughter, feeling even happier.

“You are unbelievable,” Castiel says laughing.

“You wanted good quality pencils, so I got them for you. Well, stole them,” he says. Castiel smiles and looks down, hiding that pretty smile. There’s a small happy silence in between them before Dean speaks. “I thought that—” He starts to say, but he shuts up immediately.

Castiel looks at him intrigued. “You thought what?”

Dean takes a deep breath. “That after I left, I thought you got rid of the pencils,” he finally says with nostalgia in his voice.

Castiel makes a sad, surprised face and he looks down, avoiding Dean’s eyes. “Well— I— I wanted to, because they reminded me of you but— I couldn’t,” he murmurs with a heartbreaking voice. His eyes move up to meet Dean’s. There’s sadness in the blue sea of his eyes, but there’s something warm in them. “I didn’t want to throw up one of the few good things that were left from us.” With that, Dean’s heart skips a beat before it starts beating really fast. His jaw even falls down slightly. “And they were really good and expensive pencils, I had to be insane if I decided to get rid of them,” he jokes smiling awkwardly.

Dean chuckles. “Yeah.”

“Come with me,” he says as he starts to walk. And Dean, naturally, follows him.

They go to Castiel’s bedroom. Dean hasn’t entered in it before. It is smaller than Dean’s, and it has a lot of bookshelves with books, notebooks and art things. Castiel leaves the watercolors set on the bed and he opens his wardrobe. When he turns over, Dean can see that he is carrying the set of color pencils he got Cas for Christmas.

Dean smiles widely when he sees it. Knowing that Cas kept it after so many years, after everything, it makes Dean too fucking happy. He looks at Cas, who is smiling genuinely and widely. Cas opens the briefcase and the pencils are revealed. Dean lets out a glad gasp, because the pencils are really wasted, showing that Cas has drawn a lot of things with them.

“I see that you gave them a good use,” Dean says happily.

“Of course I did,” Castiel says as he closes the briefcase. “And I’m going to do the same with the watercolors.”

Dean would give anything to kiss Castiel now and tell him how much he loves him. But he can’t. So he smiles as widely as possible. “By the way,” Dean starts to say and Castiel turns his face from the wardrobe to him. “I still have the book you gave me that Christmas.”

Castiel’s face shows surprise and happiness. But he soon looks at the wardrobe, where he is putting the color pencils back, to hide the expression. “You weren’t going to give up something that the great Vonnegut signed, right?”

Dean almost says that he wasn’t to give up the gift the love of his life gave him, but luckily, his brain is working properly tonight, so he keeps those words to himself. “Yeah,” he only says, but he sounds sadder than he should. He looks down, wanting to say so many things he can’t say. He locks those words in his heart, knowing that he will never be allowed to tell them. He looks at Castiel, who is now standing in front of him, with a curious frown. Dean sighs. “It was one of the best gifts I ever had, so—” He starts to say. “I wanted to keep it.” He looks into Castiel’s eyes, trying to drown into that sea and let that tide make him feel awesome things. But that tide isn’t as it was before. There’s warmth, but not like it used to be. “Besides, it was one of the few things I had from you,” he adds shrugging.

The look in Castiel’s eyes is soon turned into a surprised and shy one. And Dean smiles softly. Castiel clears his throat. “Yeah,” he simply says. Dean knows that Cas doesn’t know what to say right now.

“Well, I should better leave. It’s late,” he begins to say as he walks out of Cas’ bedroom, followed by Cas. “Thanks for the gift. I will start reading it once I wake up.”

Castiel chuckles. “I already knew that” Both of them smile shyly but happily. “Thanks for everything, Dean.”

Dean’s heart feels overwhelmed by those words. “See you.”

“See you.”

Dean steps out of the apartment, holding tightly the book Castiel gave him. His heart is doing crazy things right now, and Dean is a mess of feelings, wishing he could spend the whole night with Cas, cuddling and kissing him. But it will never be the time for that. Dean has tried to forget Cas, to move over, but he will never be able to do such thing. He loves him so bad that it hurts. He has to live with that constant feeling.

Outside it is snowing stronger than before. Dean closes his eyes and feels how the snow falls on him. He holds the book even tighter and smiles. His heart might be aching, but after all, these Christmas have been better than he expected.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions *-*

“You’ve gotta be kidding me!” Gabriel exclaims really shocked. Castiel rolls his eyes and takes a sip of his coffee. Gabriel came to town and decided to go to Castiel’s apartment and pay his little brother a visit. “You spent Christmas eve with Dean and his family?!”

“Stop making it sound as if it was a melodrama,” Castiel snaps annoyed.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Cas,” Gabriel starts to say with all his sass and sarcasm, making Castiel glare him. “You spent Christmas eve with your ex-boyfriend and his family! Of course that this is a melodrama!”

“What did you want me to do? Spend it alone?”

“It wouldn’t be the first time!”

Castiel gasps shocked and he makes a disbelief grimace. “Do you know how depressing is to spend Christmas alone? Do you think I actually enjoy it?” He is so hurt by his oldest brother’s words. He can see that Gabriel realizes about what he said by the way his golden brown eyes are showing shame and even sadness. “Dean told me that if I wanted I could spend Christmas with him and his family. You weren’t going to come here, Michael is in the other side of the country and our parents can’t spend half an hour without telling me how sinful and disgusting is to be gay!” He exhales sharply after he has talked and he looks at the cup of coffee he has on his hands, as if he could drain his sorrows in it.

Gabriel sighs. “I’m sorry, Cas. You are right.” His voice sounds hurt and ashamed. Still, Castiel doesn’t look at him.

“I just wanted to spend Christmas happily, and I did,” Castiel explains without taking his eyes from the dark liquid. “I don’t care if it was with my ex-boyfriend and his family.” Now he looks at Gabriel’s eyes. “I hadn’t had such a wonderful Christmas in years, Gabe. We had fun and laughed and it was great. So tell me, what’s the big deal? Can’t I be happy?”

“Of course that you can be happy little bro, and you deserve it more than anyone,” Gabriel begins to say with a sweet voice. “It’s just that I think you are starting to fall for the Winchester guy again.”

Castiel rolls his eyes and makes a disgusted face. “I’m not falling for Dean.”

Gabriel arches his eyebrow. “Did you buy him a Christmas present?”

“Yes I did. And he bought me one.”

“See?”

“He invited me to spend Christmas with him, it was the less I could do.” Although he got Dean’s present before Dean offered him to spend Christmas with him, but he doesn’t want Gabriel to find it out, because he will start giving him some kind of speech that will sound more like a quarrel.

“We both know that you bought him that present before he proposed you that Christmas dinner,” he says with a mischievous smirk before he eats one of the chocolates Castiel offered him before. Damn it, his brother knows him better than he thought. “Why did you buy him a present?”

“Because I wanted to,” he answers grumpy. He hates when Gabriel can see through his lies. He doesn’t lie to his brother unless he wants to avoid some topic.

“Just because you wanted to?” Obviously, Gabriel doesn’t believe Castiel. Gabriel takes a deep breath before he takes a sip of his hot chocolate and arches his eyebrows in a tired way.

“What?” he demands a bit pissed off, letting the question sound as irritated as possible.

“You really want to listen to it?” he asks with a curious and warning glare.

“Yes. Because I hate it when you give me that look.”

Gabriel takes a deep breath and looks at Castiel’s eyes directly. Castiel can see that his brother is going to be really serious about what he is going to say. “You are fooling yourself, Cas,” he starts to say and Castiel looks at his brother with a frown. “You keep telling yourself that you aren’t falling for Dean again, and you truly believe that, but honestly? You are starting to love him again.” Castiel wants to reply to that, but Gabriel glares him and Castiel knows he should better wait for Gabriel to finish talking. “Cas, you can’t pretend your whole life that you don’t feel a thing about that guy, because you obviously have feelings for him. And that’s going to be the death of you.”

“I think you are exaggerating a bit.”

“Am I?” He sounds so hurt right now. “Have you forgotten how terrible you were when he left you?” His eyes are glassy and Castiel feels as if he was being stabbed in his heart. “There were days when you couldn’t even get out of bed! Or days when you didn’t even speak! And meanwhile, I had to lie to our parents because if they knew the real reason, that you were like that because of a boy you were in love with, they would have started yelling at you and you would have gotten even worse!” Gabriel’s words sound so angry and heartbroken that Castiel feels bad about it.

Castiel feels his eyes getting glassy, willing to let his tears out. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I haven’t forgotten that pain, Gabe,” Castiel murmurs. If he talks louder, he is afraid of falling apart. His hands tighten around the mug, scared of holding it too tight and breaking it. “That’s why I don’t want us to be together again. Because I know he will break my heart again and I know that I won’t be able to recover from that again.”

“You haven’t recovered yet. Not completely.”

Castiel opens his glassy and burning eyes and he looks at Gabriel. His big brother is right; he hasn’t recovered completely. “That’s why Dean and I have this,” Castiel keeps saying. He shies away from those golden eyes, because he feels small and delicate when Gabriel looks at him with those hurt and pitiful eyes. “I tried to live without him and it was a hell, you know that. I tried to forget him, to kick him out of my life and it was useless.” He takes a deep breath and feels how his heart aches more and more with every word he says. “And now Dean and I are friends, and I haven’t felt this happy for years.” He meets his brother’s eyes to show him that he is being honest, that everything he is saying is true. “All I want in my life is to be happy. I’m tired of being sad and angry. I just—” He takes a deep breath and rubs his eyes. “I just want to be happy again.”

“I’ve gotta say that since you and Dean started with this sort of friendship, you’ve been quite happy,” Gabriel admits. He grabs another chocolate and eats it. “I want you to be happy, Cas. Damn it, I want to see you as happy as you were when you and Dean-o were together.” He makes an agreement grimace and runs his fingers through his hair. “That guy turned out to be a son of a bitch, but I can’t deny he made you really happy that year.”

Castiel smiles in a nostalgic way. “He really made me happy.”

“You never told me what was exactly what you saw on that guy. What was the thing that initiated everything?”

Castiel chuckles bitterly. “He saw me when no one else did.”

 

_____

 

_September 1998_

 

The scholar year started that day, and as always, Castiel went to high school all alone. Gabriel always went with his friends. But Castiel didn’t have friends in high school. He was a nerd who didn’t talk. Nobody cared about Castiel Novak, nobody seemed to see him; he was just an invisible kid, which was useful, because bullies didn’t care about him. Maybe it was because all high school seemed to respect Gabriel and nobody wanted to screw with his little brother; still, Castiel was alone in high school.

Castiel got into the classroom where a lot of his classmates were. All of them were talking about their summer vacations enthusiastically. Castiel passed by some of them, who didn’t notice his presence. His classmates knew him, but they barely knew about him. Castiel only talked to them when he had to do a project with any of his classmates, but that only was something that happened two or three times during the scholar year. Castiel was a lonely, quiet boy; a weirdo and a nerd. Nobody wanted to be near Castiel unless they needed him for a project.

Castiel approached his school desk, the closest to the wall, in the middle line; he didn’t want to be too far or too close to the blackboard. He knew that nobody was going to sit next to him, which was a good thing, because that way, nobody would disturb him; although his classmates didn’t even waste time on that. It was as if all of them knew Castiel was there, but they ignored it.

The bell rang and everyone sat on their school desks; as Castiel predicted, nobody sat on the empty one next to his. There were some other free spots left, but every year, wherever Castiel sat, the desk next to his was always empty. Since he started high school, it had always been like that.

Mister Shurley, the literature teacher stepped in the class, and a boy followed him in. The boy was wearing a dark brown leather jacket, worn jeans, a dark green shirt and a black t-shirt. His hair was light brown and spiky. He looked like a young rock star with his looks. But the most stunning thing about that boy, were his gorgeous green eyes. The morning light that leaked through the windows made those eyes to be perfectly visible and it made them look beautiful. Castiel thought that boy was the most handsome boy he had ever seen. And by the way the girls were looking at him, they thought the same.

“Good morning, guys,” Mister Shurley said. “Before we start the class, I’m going to introduce you a new student,” He added with that nervous grimace of him. Everyone knew Chuck Shurley from the previous years, but still, the teacher always got nervous the first week of the scholar year.

Those green eyes wandered through the classroom, taking a quick look to everyone with a smirk on his lips. Castiel knew those eyes wouldn’t pay too much attention to him. A pretty boy with eyes like that wouldn’t care about someone like Castiel, the lonely and boring nerd of the class. He waited for the green eyes to skip him, but they didn’t.

“This is Dean Winchester, class,” Mister Shurley said.

Dean’s eyes didn’t move from Castiel’s. The smirk was gone and it was replaced by a tiny smile. Castiel didn’t understand why Dean was looking at him; maybe he found Castiel odd or something, but his eyes weren’t telling that. Usually, new students didn’t look at Castiel, or if they did, they just moved their eyes quickly. Dean saw him and his eyes kept on Castiel’s, which made his heart skip a beat.

“Do you want to tell us something about yourself, Dean?” Mister Shurley inquired.

Dean turned his face to look at the teacher and Castiel felt as if he was allowed to breathe again. “Not really,” Dean said shrugging.

“Then take a seat and welcome to the class.”

Dean nodded and walked towards the seat next to Castiel. As he approached, Castiel could appreciate better the beauty of Dean. His eyes were even more beautiful and he had several freckles scattered on his face. He was truly gorgeous and it was making Castiel’s heart do crazy things. And not only for his beauty, because Dean was looking at him, he was seeing him, Castiel was no longer invisible. And that made him feel good but weird and really nervous.

Before Dean sat on the desk next to Castiel’s, he smiled at him and Castiel blushed. Castiel looked at his notebook and started to write down the things that Mister Shurley was writing. He tried so hard to focus on the lesson, but Dean made it hard; he kept looking at him with curious eyes and Castiel could see it from the corner of his eyes. Why was Dean looking at him like that? If people noticed Castiel, they always looked at him with disgust or contempt, but Dean’s eyes were looking at him with warmth and curiosity.

The class ended the moment the bell rang and Mister Shurley got out from the classroom as fast as always. The classroom was soon filled by the chatter of the students. Castiel was expecting Dean to go and talk to some of the other teenagers there, but instead, he turned over his seat and looked at Castiel.

“So, what’s your name?” Dean asked.

Castiel turned his face and looked at Dean perplexed. New students never asked his name. “Castiel Novak.”

Dean frowned in confusion. “That’s a weird name.”

“I know,” he said sighing.

“But it’s cool.” It made Castiel be even more bewildered. “What? Nobody around here has ever told you that?”

“Actually nobody around here has ever spoken to me,” he rectified with a bit of sass.

Dean seemed shocked by that fact. “Really?” he asked in disbelief, frowning. Castiel nodded and shrugged. “Why?”

“Guess I’m not pretty or cool,” he simply answered. Why did Dean care? He just arrived to high school; he shouldn’t care about Castiel.

“You are pretty,” Dean said casually. Castiel opened his eyes widely and Dean blushed a lot. Dean looked so embarrassed at that moment and Castiel was shocked. Nobody told him that he was pretty. “Don’t tell me you haven’t looked at yourself in the mirror, Cas.” The shortening of his name sounded unusual coming from someone outside of Castiel’s family, but Castiel liked that Dean used the shortened version of it. “You are pretty and you have stunning blue eyes,” Dean said casually and shrugging. He was still blushed.

Castiel chuckled and looked down, feeling really shy. “Thank you, Dean.”

“And I bet that you are cool.”

“I am a nerd.”

“And?” Dean asked with a cute pout. Castiel frowned in confusion. “Just because you like studying doesn’t mean you can’t be cool.”

Castiel smiled warmly. Dean wasn’t like the rest of the people. He first saw Castiel, then decided to sit down next to him and now he was talking to him. It was the first time that someone showed interest in Castiel and he didn’t understand why. “Nobody has ever paid attention to me, much less see me or talk to me, why did you?”

Dean simply smiled sweetly, making Castiel’s heart skip a beat again. “How could I not see those blue eyes?”

 

_____

 

There is a small silence in between Castiel and Gabriel and Castiel seizes the occasion to take a sip of his coffee. Despite of the amount of time that has passed since he made it, it is still warm. Castiel takes a deep breath and rubs his eyes, which are feeling surprisingly tired and he doesn’t know why.

“So, what you are trying to tell me is that you aren’t in love with Dean-o anymore and that you are never going to be in love with him again?” Gabriel asks after a while.

“Exactly,” Castiel answers nodding. Gabriel makes a bitter smile. Castiel exhales annoyed. “What now?”

“You have been telling yourself and everyone that for almost sixteen years,” he starts to say. He rests his elbows on the kitchen table, propping on them to lean closer and intensify the honesty of his words. “Even you told me once that you hated him,” he adds. The more he talks, the more Castiel knows that he doesn’t like where this conversation is going. “But you never burnt the letter he gave you. You never trashed away the pencils he gave you for Christmas. You never destroyed the photo with you two smiling like idiots. And you even got a tattoo with the pet name he gave you.”

Castiel clenches his jaw, suppressing the sob that his throat is dying to let out. His eyes are burning again. The tears want to be freed from his eyes, but Castiel isn’t going to let anything that leads into crying out. He has to keep himself together.

“And now, you see him every Friday and you can’t stop seeing him. You keep telling yourself that this is helping you, and yeah, you are happier than you were, but I can see that deep down, you love him,” Gabriel keeps saying. Castiel glares him. He wants to tell him so many things, but he can’t; he has a limp in his throat that avoids words from coming out. “You might not know it yet or you might be trying to suppress it, but—” He takes a deep breath and his eyes get really sad. “You do.”

No, Castiel doesn’t love Dean. And if he ever feels a slightly thing that can be considered love, he is going to make it disappear. Dean hurt him, Dean left him without any explanation, Dean left and never stayed in contact, Dean broke his heart and Castiel can’t forget it. He wants Dean as a friend, not as a boyfriend. He can’t expose his heart again, and much less to Dean. He will never give his heart back to Dean, because he will only break it into million pieces again.

Gabriel sighs. “It’s your life, little bro,” he starts to say with a serious and sweet voice, although it has some sadness in it. “And you can do whatever you want to, because it is your life.” He arches his eyebrows in an obvious way. “Do whatever makes you happy. If it’s being friends with Dean-o, then go ahead.” At that sentence, Castiel frowns confused. Gabriel t quarreled him about the terrible idea of being friends with Dean and now he is telling him to go ahead? Something is not right. “All I want for you is to be happy, and if that friendship is what makes you happy, then keep it.”

“A minute ago you were against it and now you are okay with it?” he asks confused and slipping some sass on the question.

“I’m not completely okay with it,” he rectifies. “I’m glad that you are feeling happy, but I don’t trust that Winchester guy.” He opens his eyes widely and arches his eyebrows as high as possible to remark his words. Still, Castiel is confused. “It’s your life, Cas, and you are big enough to take your decisions and do whatever you want.”

“I really appreciate that, Gabriel,” he says shyly.

“That’s ‘cause you have an awesome brother.” He smirks and with his hands he points at himself. Castiel rolls his eyes and makes a funny grimace. “You are my little brother and I will always care about you. You are a great little brother, although sometimes you are a pain in the ass.” That earns Gabriel a kick and Gabriel grunts. “See?” he sasses. Castiel chuckles and shakes his head. “What I mean it’s that I don’t want to see you like you were when Dean left you. I don’t want to see you breaking into million pieces again, Cas. I don’t.” His voice is breathy and hurt and Castiel hates seeing his brother like that. “Because this time, you might not be able to put yourself back together again.”

Castiel couldn’t agree more with his brother. “I know,” he simply says.

They don’t talk anymore about that and Castiel is grateful of it. Gabriel leaves not too long after the big talk and the moment Castiel closes the door, he rests his forehead on it and takes a deep breath. He feels mentally exhausted. Talking about his feelings always leaves him so tired; especially if they have to do something with Dean.

Castiel takes another deep breath and he walks towards the couch where he sits down exhausted. He grabs his mobile phone and he looks at his list of contacts, stopping on Dean’s name. He doesn’t know why, but he needs to talk to him. He shouldn’t but the compression in his chest won’t disappear until he hears Dean’s voice.

He calls Dean and at the third ring, Dean answers. “ _Hey, Cas,_ ” Dean says. “ _Is everything okay?_ ” He sounds really concerned.

Dean’s voice shouldn’t calm him like this, but it does. Castiel makes a tiny smile. “Why do you suppose I’m calling you because something’s wrong?”

“ _Dunno. But you’ve never called me before on a Sunday._ ”

He chuckles. After all, Dean still knows him well. “I just needed to call you.”

“ _Oh._ ” He sounds perplexed. “ _Why? What happened?_ ”

Castiel wishes he could tell Dean freely everything, but it isn’t that easy. Their friendship might be in a really good spot, but there are some things in between them that are still complicated; anything that involves their past relationship and the feelings they had and still might have. So Castiel just takes a deep breath and says, “I was just feeling a bit bad and I was hoping you could say one of those awkward and stupid things you usually say that could make me laugh.”

“ _What am I? Your personal clown?_ ” He sounds a bit insulted, but Castiel can tell that Dean is teasing him.

Castiel chuckles. “I don’t picture you with a red nose and a colorful wig. Although it would be hilarious.” He can’t resist laughing at that picture he is imagining. Dean would look ridiculous.

“ _I don’t know why you called me. You are making yourself laugh,_ ” he says with a grumpy voice. “ _And you are laughing at me,_ ” he adds with a pissed voice.

“I’m sorry, Dean,” he says trying to reduce his laughter. “I needed this. Sorry.”

“ _Don’t worry, Cas._ ” Dean’s voice is all sweet and warm and Castiel feels overwhelmed by it. “ _I like hearing you laugh,_ ” he confesses shyly. And Castiel can picture Dean blushing right now, the red of his flush hiding the freckles of his cheeks.

“I didn’t interrupt you or something, right?”

“ _No. I was on the internet trying to find if there’s gonna be some celebration on New Year’s Eve, but for now I haven’t seen anything really interesting in Berkeley._ ”

“Are you spending New Year’s Eve alone?”

“ _Yeah. Sam and Jess are going to New York and Bobby and Ellen are going to some small town they always go. Benny’s gonna spend it with his wife somewhere in a romantic hotel. And Charlie is in Vancouver, so yeah, I’m spending it alone._ ” He makes a tired sound.

“I’m spending it alone too,” he starts to say. “Maybe we could do something. I don’t know,” he suggests timidly. Dean doesn’t say anything; he might be processing the fact that Castiel just suggested spending the last night of the year together. “This is just an idea, but you could cook something.”

Dean bursts into laughter and Castiel smiles happily at that sound. “ _So you just proposed that so you could eat something I cooked, right?_ ”

“Maybe.” Both of them laugh. “But seriously, apart from eating your glorious food, I would like to spend the night with you. We are going to be alone, so it is better if we spend it together, don’t you think?” It will be only two friends spending New Year’s Eve together, having fun. Nothing else. Like what happened with Christmas. Although in Christmas there were Dean’s family, and now they will be only the two of them. But it won’t be so different.

Dean makes an agreement sound. “ _Yeah. So dinner at my place. And then, what?_ ”

“I don’t know. We will see,” Castiel simply says. “We could take a walk, or watch a movie or whatever. My plan was to start writing the exams for university, so anything that we will do will be fine for me.”

“ _Wow. You really were gonna have a real awesome party._ ”

“Shut up, Dean.”

Dean laughs and again, it is brightly and it makes Castiel feel a tingling sensation that spreads from his chest to his limbs, followed by a big smile on his lips. “ _If I find something interesting I will tell you and we’ll decide._ ” He sounds thoughtful. “ _For now, we will have dinner. Do you want anything special?_ ”

“As long as you are the one who cooks it, I’ll eat anything.”

“ _Your crush for my food it is starting to be a bit creepy, Cas._ ”

Castiel laughs. “I have told you before and I will tell you again; you are an extraordinary cook, Dean. Everyone agrees on that,” he says. Dean lets out a soft chuckle. “I can’t see you, but I know you are blushing.”

“ _You are an idiot, did you know that?_ ”

“And you are it too.”

“ _Well, thanks,_ ” he sasses. “ _So, I’ll see you on Wednesday again?_ ”

Castiel makes an agreement sound. “See you on Wednesday, Dean.”

“ _See you, Cas._ ”

Castiel hangs up and he smiles at his phone. Some of the things that Gabriel told him before are being repeated in his mind again, but Castiel ignores them. He only wants to spend New Year’s Eve with a friend and have some fun; there’s nothing wrong on that. It is definitely not love. It will never be love again. That train is long lost and it will never come back.

But then, why does he feel this happiness when he has the opportunity to be with Dean?


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions :)

Dean opens the door when the bell rings. He doesn’t try to reduce the width of his smile; he is too happy to spend New Year’s Eve with Cas. It is only the two of them and Dean is more than glad with that fact. He suspects that at one point, his heart is going to start aching because it’s New Year’s Eve after all, a special night for lovers, which Cas and Dean aren’t right now, but Dean is going to do his best to not think about that. They are two friends spending the night together. And Dean’s feelings need to remain quiet and buried really deep down.

“Smells wonderful,” Castiel says with a smile and closing his eyes.

“Not a single hello?” Dean teases.

Castiel chuckles. “Sorry. The smell was too intense and delicious to ignore.” He steps in, without fading away his smile. Castiel is smiling more and more lately, and Dean would be lying if he said that he doesn’t love it and that it doesn’t make him feel a lot of things. And Cas looks more than gorgeous when he smiles. “Hello, Dean.”

“Hey, Cas,” Dean greets as he closes the door. He watches for a moment how Cas takes off his trench coat and he goes towards the kitchen.

“What are we having for dinner?” he asks walking towards the kitchen as well. He stops when he is on the table and rests his elbows on it, propping himself on them.

“Baked sea bass with some tomatoes, potatoes and a couple of sliced green olives on the top of it.”

Castiel bites his lower lip and smiles. “Sounds and smells delicious,” he admits with another beautiful grin. Dean chuckles timidly; he likes when Cas compliments his food. “And I bet it will be delicious.”

“Shut up,” he says with a high pitched voice, clearly feeling timid. He flushes immediately and looks away from that cute, proud face Castiel is making.

Castiel giggles softly, happiness echoing through Dean’s apartment. “Why didn’t you become a chef or something?” His question is all curious and serious, as if Cas could perfectly picture Dean in a professional kitchen.

Dean squeezes his nose and takes a look at the oven where their dinner is being cooked. “It didn’t call my attention.” He opens the oven and grabs some mittens to put on; the glass tray is burning hot and Dean doesn’t want to burn his hands. “I like cooking but working as a chef it is too self-sacrificing and stressful. You have to do everything freaking perfect and there is a lot of rush and all that crap you can see in all those cooking shows.” He closes the oven door with his foot and puts the tray on the table, tuning off the oven after it. “I like cooking, taking my time. I don’t like that pressure and that stress, y’know?”

Castiel makes a nodding hum and he sits down. His eyes are focused on the food and Dean smirks; the only thing left for Cas to do right now is to start drooling over the food. Although Dean knows that Cas’ mouth must be watering right now.

Dean serves him one of the pieces with tomatoes and potatoes and then he serves himself. He puts the tray away and he sits down. “Bon appetite,” Dean says. Castiel smiles. Dean doesn’t eat and instead, he waits for Castiel to try it first, waiting to see his reaction. It doesn’t disappoint Dean; Castiel makes a satisfied face with a soft moan and Dean smiles widely. “Good?”

“Extraordinarily good,” Castiel says nodding and impressed. Dean laughs and starts eating. “Did you find any interesting plan on the internet?”

“Just some fireworks spectacle,” Dean answers before he takes another bite of the sea bass. “At midnight in the downtown,” he adds. “Nothing spectacular if it is like the ones they’ve been doing for the last years, but it is nice.”

“We could go.”

“Okay.”

Dean has seen a couple of years those fireworks. He usually spends New Year’s Eve alone, unless Sam and Jess decide to stay in Berkeley, but that only happens rarely. And on special occasions, Charlie makes a costume party in her apartment and Dean goes, but she only does that once in a while, when she isn’t sent to another city because of work during these days.

They keep eating and chatting, like they usually do. It still feels unreal for Dean to have developed this relationship with Cas without hurt feelings. There are painful feelings, there will always be, but despite of their past, they have managed to develop a good friendship and Dean never thought this could work. He expected that Cas could never be in the same room as Dean ever again; but here they are, at Dean’s place having dinner together. Who would have said?

Dean still has feelings for Cas and he really wishes he could get back where he and Cas left, but they can’t and Dean has to live with it. He has been living with it for months. He will have to live with it for years. But it is a fair price to pay if that means he can have Cas in his life again as a friend.

The thing is that sometimes Dean can’t stand just being a friend to Cas. He sometimes looks at Cas and he wishes he could kiss him and hold him and tell him how much he loves him. He wishes they could live together in Dean’s apartment, that they could sleep in the same bed, that they could make love, that they could wake up together every single morning. Dean wishes they could have the life they wanted to have. But it’s too late for that.

Sometimes Dean looks at Castiel and he can’t stop thinking how much he loves him. Dean Winchester, who has always had trouble to express his feelings, to say the L word, doesn’t have that problem at all when it comes to Cas. It was like that when he and Cas were together; things weren’t complicated at all and Dean felt confident.

Dinner ends and they wash the dishes together. Dean can’t help looking at Cas, standing next to him, drying the things Dean just washed, wondering if this is how things would have been like if Dean stayed with Cas. He should better not think about it at the moment; he doesn’t want Cas to notice that something is going on with him. It will imply talking and Dean knows that every time they talk about feelings or stuff like that, Dean fucks it up.

Once everything is washed and dried, they decide to walk towards downtown, where the fireworks will be. There is more than an hour left to midnight, so they walk slowly through town, taking their time and chatting. Every time they talk or they breathe, a white mist appears in front of them. The night is cold, but they are warm with the several layers of clothes they are wearing.

It doesn’t take them too long to arrive to downtown. There are a lot of people in there, waiting for the fireworks to start. There are children, adults and elderly, like always. And all of them are expectant to see the fireworks. They are all congregated around the small stage the city hall did and where there is a small orchestra playing some music. Dean and Castiel stay a bit far from them, where there aren’t any people around and they sit on a free bench.

“It isn’t the first line, but fireworks can be seen better from here,” Dean says once he is sat down next to Castiel.

“And there aren’t a lot of people around,” Castiel says gladly. Dean looks at him with a confused frown. “I don’t like being all pressed between strangers,” he explains with an obvious grimace. Dean chuckles and rolls his eyes. There is a small silence and Castiel takes a deep breath. “I really don’t like this day too much,” he confesses in a soft whisper.

Dean turns his face to look at him. “Why’s that?”

Castiel shrugs. “It is supposed to be something really special, but— I don’t know. It’s just another day that leads to another day. The thing is that a new year starts over and people think it is going to change everything when actually it doesn’t. It’s just another year.” He sounds so wrecked and he doesn’t even look at Dean’s eyes; he only stares at his lap.

“You really know how to lift the mood on,” Dean sasses and it earns him a glare from Castiel followed by a small punch. Dean can tell that Cas is a bit pissed off by Dean’s words.

“You are an idiot.”

“Yeah and you’ve always known that.” It makes Castiel chuckle and look at Dean, who is making a soothing half smile. Then Dean inhales sharply. “Cas I—” He starts to say and Castiel looks at him. They stare at each other for a while until Dean breaks eye contact. “Never mind.”

“Dean.” His voice is soft and concerned and Dean has to look at Castiel. “What is it?” He has that cute confused frown and he is tilting his head slightly. Dean always found that gesture really cute.

Dean chuckles and looks down at his lap. “Nothing. I should better shut up. Trust me,” he says and after that, he looks at Cas, who has a curious but confused stare. Dean can tell that Cas doesn’t know what to say and he doesn’t understand what Dean means.

But then, Castiel makes a thoughtful grimace and then a serious face. “It has to do with when we were together, right?” Of course that Castiel would know what Dean was trying to say. He was always good on reading Dean’s eyes. Castiel sighs. “Just shoot it, Dean.” He doesn’t sound mad, he sounds extremely casual, as if he wasn’t bothered at all.

Dean looks at him unsure. “You sure?” Castiel nods. Dean exhales sharply. It isn’t anything related with his feelings, but it is something that he has always wondered. “Why did you even want to be with me back then?” he finally asks. The question seems to catch Castiel off guard because he makes a confused face. He probably was expecting another question. “I mean, you were that fucking smart kid and I was a big dumb shit.”

“You weren’t a dumb shit, Dean.” He sounds so offended. “You were really smart.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Yeah, whatever. But you were freaking intelligent,” he explains. “Why did you ever pay attention to me?”

Castiel blushes a little and chuckles. He quickly tilts his head down, hiding his tiny smile and embarrassment from Dean. “You know, I used to ask myself why Dean Winchester wanted to be with me.” He starts to murmur. His eyes finally move to meet Dean’s. “You were that handsome and popular kid and I was just the invisible nerd. But you saw me. You saw me when no one else did.” He shrugs and makes a tiny shy smile. “And then, how did the rest happen? I don’t know. It just— it just happened I guess.”

Dean nods and looks down. He remembers the day he saw Cas for the first time. It was impossible not to see those beautiful blue eyes of his. Then, like Cas said, it just happened. Dean sighs and looks at Castiel’s wondering eyes. “Yeah, I guess it just happened.” Their staring keeps going on and Dean wants to kiss Cas now, but he knows he mustn’t. So instead, he forces a smile and speaks again, “Sorry for the awkward moment.”

Castiel chuckles. “It wasn’t that awkward.” He sounds so happy about that and Dean bites his lower lip and smiles.

The sound of fireworks makes them look away from each other and look at the sky instead, which is being colored with the colorful lights and shapes of the fireworks. Dean looks once in a while at Cas, who is smiling brightly and with his eyes shining brightly. A tender smile makes its way into Dean’s lips without any trouble at all. He loves seeing Cas like that. He moves his eyes back to the fireworks because he knows that if Cas catches his sight, he will see the love in Dean’s eyes.

Fireworks keep being exploded into the night sky in different colors and in different shapes. Castiel keeps smiling in that beautiful way and Dean’s hand itches with the urge to grab Castiel’s hand and tangle their fingers together. But he puts his hand inside his leather jacket’s pocket to avoid any temptation.

Soon, the fireworks are over and Dean realizes that it is already the first of January. Some of the couples that are reunited there are kissing and Dean smiles sadly at that picture. He and Cas could be one of the couples kissing there. But they aren’t. He looks away to avoid any more painful feelings and he looks at Castiel.

“So, did you like it?” Dean wonders.

“It was really nice,” Castiel answers with an honest smile.

“I’m glad.” He makes a smile of his own. “Do you want to go back home, take a walk or something?” It is only a few minutes past midnight and they could do something else. But if Cas wants to go back home, Dean won’t avoid him to do such thing.

Castiel shrugs. “We could take a walk. It isn’t too cold yet and it is quite early,” he says standing up.

Dean stands up as well. “Okay.”

The streets are quite calm. Everyone must be at downtown or somewhere indoors celebrating the beginning of the New Year. Not even cars drive down the road; it is too early to come back home for people. Dean likes this quietness and walking down the streets with Cas next by his side.

“I like it when the town is this quiet,” Castiel murmurs with a small smile. “It makes walks more pleasurable.”

“If you want me to I can leave you,” Dean teases with a smirk.

Castiel rolls his eyes and makes an acid chuckle. “Stop taking things too literal.” Dean can’t help the burst of his laughter and Castiel scowls at him. “What’s so funny?”

“You were the one who took things too literal if my memory serves me right,” he answers with a nostalgic smile. Castiel flushes a little and makes a guilty smile. “And you sometimes still do it.”

“Okay, it’s true. But you do it on purpose. I do it because—” He makes a thoughtful face, as if he didn’t know how to finish the sentence. He puffs and bites his lower lip after that.

“Because you are so naïve?” Dean suggests with a bit of tease in his voice.

The glare he gets from Castiel is a bit pissed off, but it is sweet. He makes a thoughtful grimace. “I wouldn’t say naïve. I would say trusted, maybe. I don’t know.” He pouts and shrugs.

“And what word would you use for me taking things too literally?” He is really curious about it.

Castiel makes a satisfied mischievous smile; he was waiting for Dean to ask that question. “I would use the word dick.”

“Ha-ha, very funny, you—” But Dean doesn’t finish his sentence. It suddenly starts to rain heavily, drenching both of them immediately. “What the fuck?” He tilts his head up, looking at the clouded dark sky. There was barely a cloud on the night sky before, where did all those come from? And it is raining as if they were in the middle of the Amazonas, during monsoon. It hasn’t passed more than one minute and both Dean and Castiel are completely drenched.

“We should cover ourselves,” Castiel suggests looking at the sky too. Apparently, he didn’t see all those clouds coming over them either.

“And where?” Dean looks around, looking for some place that might shelter them from the rain, but he finds nothing.

“I think there’s a phone box on that street.” He points at his right. “Come on,” he says before starting running.

Dean follows him, being very careful not to slip. His boots are good and they barely slip, but still, he wants to be cautious. As Castiel said, there’s a phone box on that street and both of them get into it. It is too narrow for the two of them, but they manage to get into it. They are pressed together and wet, and Dean is doing all he can in order to not think about it. Despite of the cold rain on their bodies and on their clothes, they can still feel each other’s warmth and it drives Dean crazy.

“I thought phone boxes didn’t exist anymore,” Dean says trying to look away from Cas and trying to move away, but there isn’t any space left in the phone box. They are too fucking close, for fuck’s sake, they are pressed against each other and Cas looks so goddamn gorgeous with his wet hair stuck on his forehead.

“They are part of a prehistoric museum now, I guess,” Castiel jokes, smiling. Dean isn’t sure, but Castiel seems a bit nervous and awkward. Why wouldn’t he be it? After all, he is completely pressed against Dean in a really narrow phone box.

Dean is breathing heavily and he can feel Cas’ hot breathing against his lips. The sound of the heavy rain falling on the street and hitting against the glasses of the phone box is the only sound that can be heard right now; but Dean swears that the beatings of his heart are louder than the rain. He tries to look at anywhere except at Castiel’s eyes, but sometimes Dean takes a look; luckily, Castiel’s eyes are focused on the door.

“I don’t think it is going to stop raining soon,” Castiel murmurs.

“Yeah,” Dean simply says. “I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to get a bit cold with all my clothes wet,” he begins to say. He is a bit warm thanks to Castiel’s body pressed against his, but he is going to ignore that fact. Castiel looks at his eyes with an intrigued look. Dean can’t swallow properly; there’s a limp stuck in his throat. They are so fucking close that Dean can see himself reflected on those baby blue eyes. It would be so easy to lean into Castiel and kiss him— no! No way. “My place isn’t too far. We could get there and you could spend the night, like the last time,” he begins to explain. “You are drenched, Cas, and you can go back home like that, you may get sick.”

“You are right,” Castiel agrees nodding. “I would rather be at your place than here.” He starts to move to get out and Dean follows him.

“Don’t slip,” Dean warms him.

Castiel simply smiles and both of them start to run towards the building where Dean lives. They keep running under the rain, hearing the sloppy sounds of their shoes when they step into every puddle. The rain keeps falling with the same intensity and Dean knows that it is impossible for their clothes to get more drenched.

Once they arrive at the building, they don’t wait for the lift, they just go upstairs, running, leaving a wet trail behind them. The moment Dean opens the door of his apartment, both of them make a glad sound, because the apartment is warm and dry and it feel so freaking nice.

“Gimme your trench coat,” Dean says as he takes off his leather coat. “I’m gonna put them to dry.”

Castiel takes off his trench coat and hands it to Dean. “I’m starting to feel really cold.” He strokes his arms, trying to warm himself, but it is a failed attempt.

“We should take a hot shower,” Dean suggests as he takes off his boots.

“Good idea.” Castiel takes off his grey sweater, showing his back to Dean, revealing the soaked white shirt. It is so soaked that it is stuck to Castiel’s skin and it makes the wings tattoo visible. Dean feels how his heart sinks and how his mouth dries. He forgot how beautiful and impressive it was. Castiel turns around to hand Dean the sweater, seeing the shocked face Dean is making. At first Castiel frowns confused, but then, he seems to realize why Dean is looking at him like that. “Dean—”

“Take the shower first,” Dean says casually, looking away from Castiel. Now he can see the shape of Castiel’s chest through the transparent wet shirt and it isn’t helping either. “Just leave the rest of your clothes in the bathroom, I’ll pick them later.” He clears his throat and he starts to make a ball of clothes with Cas’ sweater, the trench coat and his leather jacket, trying to seem busy and to give himself an excuse to not look at Cas, who looks right now stunning, or at his tattoo. “I’ll leave you some clothes you can wear in front of the bathroom’s door.”

Castiel is about to say something, but Dean walks away and he heads to the small room where there are the washing machine, the drier and the clothes rack. He hears the sound of Castiel’s footsteps, walking slowly through the hall, and finally, the sound of the bathroom’s door being closed. Dean takes a deep breath and he rubs his face, feeling exhausted. He keeps hanging on the clothes and he takes off the ones he is still wearing, until he is completely naked. Once everything is on the clothes rack, he walks towards his bedroom and puts on his rope. He picks some clothes for Cas; a Henley t-shirt, some pajama’s pants, some old slippers and boxers. He isn’t sure if Cas is going to put them on, but his must be soaked and he might want some dried ones.

Dean leaves the clothes on the floor, in front of the door and he walks back to his bedroom, where he starts to pick the clothes he is going to wear after he has taken his shower. He sits on his bed and waits until Castiel tells him he is done.

It doesn’t take Cas too long to show up in Dean’s bedroom. “Hey, I— I already finished,” Castiel says really shyly; Dean hasn’t seen his that shy before. “I’m going to put these where the other ones are,” he adds as he shows his wet clothes.

“Okay,” Dean simply says as he stands up. He grabs his clothes and he walks as fast as he can towards the bathroom.

Dean doesn’t waste any time in getting in the shower. The moment the hot water starts to fall on his body, he makes a relieved and pleased low moan. He closes his eyes, feeling how the hot water runs down his boy until it goes directly to the drain. Dean rests his forehead on the wall; he can’t stop thinking about Castiel’s tattoo, about the two of them in that phone box all pressed together, feeling each other’s breathings and about how he has been wishing the whole night to kiss Castiel, to hold his hand, to hold him and tell him how much he loves him.

He rubs his eyes and takes a deep breath. This is killing him slowly and he knows it. It does him no good. He wants to get rid of those thoughts and emotions, but he can’t. He has tried and failed. He has to keep himself together, because Castiel will never love him again, he deserves someone better than Dean. But Dean loves him so much.

The water keeps falling down, relaxing Dean’s muscles, warming up the cold skin. Dean rubs his face. He wishes that Cas could step in the shower and hug him from behind, pressing sweet little kisses to his neck, saying calming things to him, pressing his chest against Dean’s back and holding him. But that’s not going to happen.

Dean shakes his head and tries to take a proper shower. He doesn’t take so long. When he is done, he steps out of the shower and starts to dry himself with the towel. He starts to get dressed after that, but before he puts on his Henley’s t-shirt, he looks at himself in the mirror, more precisely at his tattoo. Dean caresses the inked skin. He wonders what Castiel feels every time he looks at his inked wings. Dean feels a lot of things when he looks at the star around the sun. Pain, pride, nostalgia, sadness, happiness… Many different things, but never shame of regret, which Dean suspects Cas might feel when he looks at his tattooed wings.

Dean gets out of the bathroom and switches off the light. He can see there’s light coming from the living room and he walks towards it. He finds Castiel sitting on the couch. He isn’t watching the TV or reading something, he is simply sitting there, looking really pretty in Dean’s clothes.

“I thought you went directly to bed,” Dean murmurs, making Castiel turn his face to look at him.

“No, I—” Castiel sighs. “I was waiting for you.”

“For what?”

“To tell you goodnight.” His smile is easy and pretty.

“That’s all?” he asks sitting down next to Castiel. He can see in his blue eyes that there’s something else he wants to say.

Castiel looks down and takes a deep breath, unsure of what to do or say. “You saw the tattoo again.” He sounds so small and even ashamed..

“Yeah.” Dean doesn’t understand where Cas wants to go with that affirmation.

Castiel’s eyes meet Dean’s. “And once again, you don’t ask.”

“I don’t ask.” He wants to, he truly wants to. But Dean isn’t ready to know the story behind it. He is scared to know the truth behind those tattooed wings. And he knows Cas isn’t ready to share that story either.

“Why?” This time, his voice comes out in a heartbreaking way.

Dean can’t tell him the complete truth. So instead, he tells him another truth. “Because you obviously don’t want me to ask, Cas.” Dean forces himself to sound natural and honest. And by how Castiel is looking at him, he seems relieved by Dean’s words. “Whenever you let me to ask, I’ll do it. Meanwhile, I won’t.” But he isn’t sure if when Cas lets him ask one day, he will find the guts to ask him. Dean can’t help thinking about his tattoo. Castiel doesn’t know about it and Dean thinks that it is better that way.

Castiel exhales relieved. “Thank you.”

“You are welcome,” Dean says with a grimace. There’s a small silence in between them. “Hey, I— I left you underwear, I wasn’t sure if you—”

“Yeah, I saw it,” Castiel says with a timid smile. Why are all his smiles pretty? “I put them on. My boxers where extremely drenched.”

“Oh, okay,” He says babbling a little. Castiel arches an eyebrow and Dean makes a nervous smile. Castiel doesn’t understand why Dean is feeling a bit awkward right now. “It is a bit weird that you are wearing my underwear, Cas.”

“As long as it is clean, I’m okay with it.”

“What kind of guy do you think I am?” he says offended.

Castiel bursts into a happy and bright laugh and Dean can’t resist joining him. “I didn’t mean that, Dean,” he says in between laughs. Then he rubs his face. “It’s starting to be late and I’m tired. We should go to sleep.”

“Agree.” Dean stands up and Castiel does the same. They walk towards the hall that leads to the bedrooms; Dean’s is the closest one. “Goodnight, Cas,” he says once he is in front of his bedroom door.

“Goodnight, Dean,” Castiel says with a tiny smile.

Dean watches for a moment how Castiel walks away from him and then, he steps into his bedroom, closing the door behind him. He feels really tired. He wants to get in bed and fall asleep immediately. Dean doesn’t want any dreams or thoughts about Cas tonight; he just wants and needs to rest.

He might be more exhausted than he thought, because the moment he is in his bed, he falls asleep.

 

***

 

It seems as if last night’s rain never existed; the sun is shining brightly in the sky and there aren’t any clouds on it. Castiel rubs his face and looks at the window; he forgot to lower the blind when he got in bed. He rolls into the bed and covers himself, snuggling himself. That bed is really comfortable and warm. Castiel wouldn’t mind spending all his nights in this bed.

He covers his head too and with the sun that leaks through the window, he can see perfectly himself under the sheets. He smiles when he looks at the clothes Dean lent him and he is wearing. He starts to play with one of the sleeves, touching the fabric with his fingers. He takes a deep breath and he lets it go and closes his eyes.

Castiel lingers in bed for several minutes until he decides to get up and go to the kitchen. He hears some sounds coming from it and he guesses that Dean must be awake and making breakfast. And he isn’t wrong.

Dean is already awake and making pancakes by the ingredients he is putting into a big bowl and singing while he does so. His hair is all ruffled and Castiel finds it really cute. Castiel stays there, without making a sound, seeing how Dean prepares breakfast and hearing that beautiful voice he has when he sings calmly.

“ _I hate you but I love you. I just can’t take how beautiful you are. I hate to say this, but my eyes go blind,_ ” Dean sings with a really beautiful voice. Castiel’s heart sinks with the lyrics of that song. He hasn’t heard it before, but the lyrics are making his heart skip beats and start feeling things he doesn’t want to unearth. “ _I hate you but I love you. My favorite sun becomes a healing sign. I have to tell you this, ‘cause my heart goes wild._ ” Castiel isn’t sure why Dean is singing that song and he shouldn’t feel that touched by it, but he is it. He feels his eyes are starting to get a little glassy and he hates it.

It is a song that doesn’t suit Dean. He usually sings rock songs, even if they are ballads, they are from rock. But this song sounds so indie for Dean, so sweet and slow. Castiel never imagined Dean singing something like this. It’s not Dean’s style. And yet, Dean’s voice sounds beautiful.

“ _Oh you are so high, above in the sky. Every time I travel far, I think about you by my side, to any of those places I cannot go by,_ ” Dean keeps singing. Castiel keeps listening to Dean’s beautiful voice and to the beautiful words he is singing. “ _I hate you but I love you. I just can't take how beautiful you are. I hate to say this, but my eyes go blind._ ” Dean hums the rhythm of the music for a while and then, he keeps singing, “ _I hate you but I love you. My favorite sun becomes a healing sign. I have to tell you this, ‘cause my heart goes wild._ ”

It seems that the song has finished because now Dean is only humming. Castiel wants to cry and he doesn’t fully understand why. Maybe because of the song, maybe because this is how mornings could have been if he and Dean stayed together, maybe because deep down he wishes he could wake up to this. He doesn’t truly know.

Dean turns around and startles when he sees Castiel. He blushes immediately. “Fuck, Cas! You are a creep!” Dean exclaims really pissed off and really embarrassed. Clearly, he didn’t want Castiel to hear him singing. “For how long have you been staring me?”

“For the whole song I guess,” Castiel answers and makes a nostalgic smile. He tries to sound casual, as if hearing the song didn’t affect him at all. Dean blushes even more. The red spreads through his face and ears quickly. “I thought you didn’t like ballads,” he teases. Teasing always eases things in between them.

“And I don’t. Jess played that song the other day and it’s been stuck in my head since then.” He walks around the kitchen, opening a cupboard to grab a pan. “I don’t even know the name of the chick who sings it.” He sounds very annoyed. Dean is still blushed and he doesn’t want to meet Castiel’s eyes. But his eyes finally have the courage to meet Castiel’s. “Singing to that song isn’t good to my badass reputation.”

Castiel can’t help laughing softly at that. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”

“Awesome.” His smile is thankful and genuine and Castiel loves seeing Dean like that. “If somebody asks you, I was singing _Enter Sandman_ by Metallica.” He points with the spatula to Castiel and he arches his eyebrows to let him know that he is being serious.

Castiel tilts his head down and shakes his head as he forces a smile. He misses the times when Dean didn’t lock himself in, when Dean could tell him without any trouble at all what was going on with him, when they could be sincere to each other, but Castiel can’t tell that he doesn’t do the same, right? He locks himself in too. There are so many things that he isn’t telling Dean.

He looks at Dean whose eyes are focused on the pancake he is making. “Hey, Cas,” Dean starts to say. “I’m making pancakes, there is some fruit and coffee too; do you want some scrambled eggs with bacon?”

“Yes, why not?” Castiel says forcing a smile. His heart is aching in an unbearable way right now. “I’m going to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.”

Castiel walks towards the bathroom and closes the door behind him. The moment he knows he is safe there, some tears start to fall down from his eyes. He covers his mouth with his hand to avoid any sobbing sounds. He is sure that Dean can’t hear him, but better be safe than sorry.

His heart is in pain, and he doesn’t fully understand why. Actually, he doesn’t want to know the reason, but he thinks he might know it. It still hurts to see that Dean can forget and ignore anything involved with Castiel that easily, that every time he seems to get close to Castiel, Dean pulls himself away, looking ashamed. Castiel doesn’t want to be Dean’s boyfriend, but he hates seeing that Dean keeps moving away all the time, as if Castiel was a big mistake.

He walks towards the sink and looks at himself in the mirror. His eyes are swollen and red. There are several trails from the tears he is letting out. He looks so pathetic and hurt. Castiel closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

And yet, Dean doesn’t leave this time. He is always there, but he still has a wall in between them. Castiel wants to smash that wall, and he shouldn’t desire so. What is happening to him? Why is he feeling this bad right now? He takes several breaths until he calms down. He wipes off his tears and he waits until the red and swollen in his eyes is gone.

When Castiel feels better, he seizes that he is in the bathroom to relieve himself. After that, he goes back to the kitchen. The pancakes are already on the table and Castiel’s coffee too. Dean is making his wonderful scrambled eggs with bacon, singing again, but this time, it isn’t a love song; it is a rock song.

“ _Getting hard to sleep, but it is in my dreams, but it's killing me to try and figure it out,_ ” Dean sings with a low but nice voice as he shakes his legs, following the rhythm of the song. “ _Nothing better to do, when I'm stuck on you, and still I'm here trying to figure it out._ ”

As Dean keeps singing and dancing, if it can be called like that, Castiel grabs his coffee and takes a sip. Dean notices he is there and he dedicates him a smirk. Castiel rests his back on the fridge, looking at Dean.

“ _I'll let it go 'cause I won't see you later and I'm not allowed to talk it out,_ ” Dean keeps singing, this time with more enthusiasm and shaking his head as well. Castiel can’t help grinning. He is trying to suppress a laugh, because Dean looks hilarious right now, but he likes seeing Dean like that. “ _I said I'll come, I'll promise I won't show but I see you trying to figure it out. I promise you, I'll take a bet on you but you didn't know I planned it out. I said I'll go, yeah, I won't see you later and I'm not allowed to figure it out._ ”

Castiel’s heart is opening old wounds; wounds that Castiel really made sure to heal completely. But as he watches Dean, that happy, singing, dancing and cooking, with a pretty smirk on his lips, Castiel feels a heartwarming feeling that spreads through his body, running rushed and wildly, making him smile without any effort at all and in an honest way.

In his mind, Castiel imagines himself walking towards Dean, hugging him from his back, embracing Dean tightly, pressing together and Castiel’s hands rest on Dean’s tummy. Castiel would press kisses to Dean, from his neck to his cheek, and Dean would giggle and he would turn around to give Castiel a proper kiss. Too bad he can’t do that now.

“Cas, are you okay?” Dean asks worried.

Castiel startles. He has been fantasizing for too long. The scrambled eggs with bacon are already set on the table; he didn’t realize Dean just finished. Dean is looking at him with those too worried eyes, waiting for an answer. Castiel wishes he could express with words the pain of his heart, to tell Dean the truths Castiel still keeps denying because he can’t let himself fall for that again.

So Castiel simply smiles. “Yes, I was thinking about the exams I have to prepare once I get home,” he lies, like he always does.

Dean rolls his eyes. “You are unbelievable.” He chuckles and sits down. Castiel does the same and the moment he is on that chair, he tastes immediately the scrambled eggs with bacon, making a happy low moan. “It hasn’t been two seconds since you planted your ass on the chair and you are already moaning over my food!” Dean laughs brightly.

Castiel smirks. “You do enjoy seeing me loving your food.”

Dean simply chuckles and blushes a little. He dedicates Castiel a beautiful smile that Castiel mirrors. He looks at Dean and he wishes the print that Dean left in his heart so many years ago could be erased easily. He wishes that his heart stopped feeling like it did when he saw Dean cooking and singing. He wishes that deep down, he truly stopped wanting the life he and Dean could have had if Dean never left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first song Dean sings is _I hate you but I love you_ by Russian Red and the second song is _Figure it Out_ by Royal Blood, if you were wondering :)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions :)

The apartment is really warm and Dean welcomes it. Outside is really cold. Dean has to go out with the thickest hoodie he has in his closet, along with his t-shirt, shirt and leather jacket. He doesn’t know how he was able to move properly. But he is home now and he is warm, so after putting the plastic bag with the groceries he just bought from the supermarket on the table, he takes off his leather jacket and hoodie.

Dean starts to put all the groceries in their respective places. As he does so, he can’t help thinking about the way Cas looked at him when he found him singing that cheesy song. Why on earth did that freaking song have to come to Dean’s mind? He always sings when he makes breakfast, but he sings other kind of songs, but he decided to sing that stupid song. Dean rests his face on the cupboard’s door and grunts, wanting to hit himself against it. He is so fucking stupid. He could have sung any other song, but he had to sing that song. And Cas heard it. Fuck.

At least when he arrived yesterday to spend their Friday night together, he seemed okay, as if nothing happened. Dean tried his best that Thursday morning to look as if the lyrics of that song didn’t mean anything at all, but he is sure that Castiel suspected that they meant something for Dean. But then again, Cas seemed not to care about it yesterday. Dean isn’t sure to feel relieved or hurt by that.

Dean takes a deep breath and keeps putting the groceries where they belong. It was just a song and it didn’t mean anything. That’s all. Cas isn’t like Dean; he doesn’t overthink things the way Dean does. Unlike Dean, Castiel has his thoughts and feelings really clear. Dean is a mess and he complicates his life more than he should. He has sucked with emotions always, so it isn’t such a new thing for him, but Dean would like to be able to sort out his feelings better, not to have this complicated mess.

Once everything is placed where it has to be, Dean looks around his lonely apartment, wondering what to do. It is too early for dinner. He could watch a movie or read, but he isn’t in the mood for it. He has one of those days when you don’t feel like doing anything, you try to, but you can’t. Dean rubs his face and grunts exhausted. He looks around at his apartment again, as if he could find the answer or the desire to do something, but he doesn’t.

So he goes directly to his bedroom and sits on his bed, resting his back on the headboard. When he feels like doing nothing at all, the best he can do is sit on his bed, grab his iPod, put his earphones on and listen to his music. Sometimes it is for just a couple of minutes, sometimes it is for several hours; he doesn’t care, it always makes him feel better.

Dean closes his eyes and lets the music embrace him, to take him over, making him forget about the world. He lets the music get into the deepest and darkest spots of his soul, reaching everywhere, caressing him with the strong notes that are being played, drowning him into the ocean of music, slowly and gently, without feeling that typical agony that it is felt when you are drowning.

Song after song and after song. It goes like that. Dean gets lost in the wonderful songs he has heard several times since he discovered the wide and awesome world of rock music. The familiar voices and the familiar instruments welcome him, protecting Dean from the complications of his life. And he gets lost in the melodies.

 _Since I’ve been loving you_ by Led Zeppelin starts to play and Dean lets out a soft moan. He grabs his iPod and puts the song in repeat. He doesn’t know why, but this song particularly turns him on; it must be the way Robert Plant sings it, with that slow and sexy voice or the way Jimmy Page plays his guitar in that arousing way, Dean isn’t sure, but when he hears that song, he can’t help the arousal that spreads through his body.

With one of his hands, Dean starts touching his crotch, feeling the rough fabric of his jeans. He starts with gentle touches, teasing himself a little as his other hand sneaks under his t-shirt and starts caressing his nipple. He gasps a little when he pinches his nipple.

It doesn’t take him too long to get half hard and to unzip his jeans. This time, his hand squeezes his cock, hidden under the underwear, pressing where he knows he loves to. He moans a bit louder and bites his lower lip after it. He likes to go slow when he is masturbating with the sound of Led Zeppelin. He likes to take it slowly, to taste the moment, to give himself the attention he likes and he barely has.

He finally gets his hand on his cock. He first makes some circles with his thumb before he slides his fist down the shaft. Dean gasps and moans, feeling really good at the touch of his hand on his cock. He moves it slowly, jerking himself off in a sweet, gentle and arousing way.

When he opens his eyes, he sees Castiel sitting above him and looking at his face. “Cas!” Dean startles shocked. One of the earphones falls down from his ear and he pulls his hand away from his cock. “What the—” But Castiel cups his face and kisses him, interrupting Dean. The kiss is soft and sweet and very familiar. When Castiel pulls away, he looks at Dean’s eyes. “You are not real,” Dean says shocked.

“Of course that I’m not real, Dean,” Castiel says. His hands are still cupping Dean’s face. “But you wish I was it.” He leans and kisses Dean again.

“Awesome,” Dean grunts really pissed off. He didn’t have enough with all those shitty and painful feelings that now he is seeing Castiel. That was the last thing he needed. “Now I’m getting to the point when I start hallucinating with you. Fucking awesome.”

Castiel simply smirks and starts to kiss Dean’s neck. Dean wishes those kisses were real. How is his mind making a picture of Cas so vivid and real? He is definitely going insane. He inhales needy. This feels so real and it shouldn’t. Cas isn’t here, it is only an incredible reproduction from his imagination.

“Why am I seeing you right now?” Dean asks with a desperate and heartbreaking voice.

Castiel nuzzles Dean’s neck. One of his hands comes to rest on Dean’s nape, while the other is placed on Dean’s chest, where his tattoo and heart are. “Because you love me,” Castiel says. His eyes meet Dean’s. Those aren’t Castiel’s true eyes, but they are practically identical. “Because you tried to forget me, to stop feeling things for me and you couldn’t.” His lips are back to Dean’s, kissing them in that tender way. “And you will never be able to forget me, Dean.”

“I will try.”

Castiel chuckles. “You do know I’m your mind, right? You can’t lie to me, Dean.” He moves closer, pressing their chests together and resting their foreheads together too. Dean closes his eyes. If he doesn’t look, maybe that fake Cas will be gone. “And you can’t hide from me either, Dean.”

Dean opens his eyes reluctantly; Cas, well imaginary Cas, is still there and it still feels so fucking real. “Why now?”

“I don’t know.” He takes a deep breath. The hand that was resting on Dean’s nape is now tracing down Dean’s body, going to his shoulder and then to his chest. Castiel’s eyes follow that hand that moves slowly but in a too arousing way. “I have always been in your mind and heart, Dean.”

“You are my mind, not Cas,” he rectifies.

Castiel’s eyes meet Dean’s and the illusion makes a mischievous smile. “But let’s forget about that for now on, shall we?” He rocks his hips above Dean, rubbing his crotch against Dean’s, and Dean inhales sharply at that. “You have tried to forget me lately, and it kind of worked for how long? A week?” He makes a thoughtful grimace as he talks in that sassy way that is so Cas. Only that this isn’t Cas; it’s Dean’s mind playing tricks on him, making him see his ex-boyfriend. “No. It was for almost two weeks. A new record,” he continues saying as he makes an impressive face and Dean glares him. Castiel sighs and presses a soft kiss to Dean’s lips. “Did you really think it was going to be that easy to forget the love you have me?” he whispers in a sad voice.

“No.” He takes a deep breath and looks away from those eyes.

“No,” he repeats, sounding more hurt than Dean. His hand combs Dean’s hair like Cas used to do a long time ago. “You have always tried, Dean. You convince yourself that this time might be the one, that you will finally get over me and stop feeling like shit for everything you did. But it is never that time. And it will never be.” With those words, Dean meets those eyes, filled with so much pain. “You love me. You never stopped loving me.”

“I know.” Dean feels his eyes getting glassy. His voice is just a breathy whisper. He isn’t sure how he is still able to talk.

Castiel kisses him needy and suddenly, Dean feels his hand on his cock. Dean pulls away with a gasp and looks at Castiel. “And you really tried to forget me, didn’t you?” He sounds so hurt. His hand starts to move up and down the length of Dean’s cock, with a firm grip. “All those strangers you slept with. You really wanted to forget me, Dean. You really wished you couldn’t feel a damn thing about me.” His hand starts to go faster and his voice sounds sadder with every stroke. Dean moans because that imaginary hand feels really good. “But you never could. Because you never stopped loving me. All those nights with strangers, having sex with them never felt good. You tried, but it didn’t fill you the way I did, it didn’t feel as it felt with me. Every time you had sex it felt wrong and you wished it was me instead of them.”

“Cas—”

“Because you didn’t love them. Because no matter how hard you tried, how different their faces were, you still wanted them to be me. You still saw me in them.” Castiel rests his forehead on Dean’s and his hand changes the angle and it tightens even more in a really pleasurable way. Dean moans louder and places his hand on Castiel’s head, burying his fingers on the imaginary hair. “No one of them was me. And nothing felt as good as the handjobs we did in that alley.” He kisses Dean again, so desperate and needy. “Dean— look at me, please.”

Dean shakes his head. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

Dean makes a whimpering noise. “Because I can’t stand the pain in your eyes. Because I know I’m the reason behind that pain.”

“Dean—” He kisses Dean sweetly. The hand on his cock has stopped moving. Dean is panting, unable to breathe properly. Castiel is pressing kisses on Dean’s face. He kisses his cheeks, his chin, his forehead, his temples and his eyelids, being these ones the last place his mouth kisses. Dean finally opens his eyes. There isn’t pain in Castiel’s eyes, it is tenderness mixed with sadness. “Dean why—”

“Stop. Please,” Dean mutters. “You aren’t real. You aren’t Cas.” His voice lets out the anger, frustration and hurt Dean is feeling in this moment. “You aren’t here. You will never be.” This is starting to get dangerously insane and Dean doesn’t like it and it kind of scares him. He shouldn’t be fantasizing with Cas like this. “I have to forget you. I have to move on. I can’t keep feeling things like this anymore.”

Castiel exhales sharply and he presses their faces together, without kissing. The hand around Dean’s cock tightens and Dean shivers. “Why are you so stubbornly decided to stop loving me?” His voice is sharp and his eyes are fierce. Cas moves his hand down Dean’s shaft and then up, getting back to the handjob he was giving Dean before. “When will you understand that you don’t want to stop loving me, Dean?” Now he sounds heartbreaking. Dean wants to close his eyes and find that fake Cas is gone, but Cas is still there, making sure Dean still feels him and sees him.

“It hurts.”

“Of course it hurts.” He cries out. “Don’t you think it still hurts me to see you?”

“You aren’t Cas. You are my mind. So you don’t know for sure that,” he snaps frustrated. Castiel increases the speed of his hand and Dean moans and gasps.

“True. But I can tell you one thing, Dean Winchester,” he begins to say firmly. “You tried for years to forget Castiel Novak, and you kind of convinced yourself and everyone that you did it. But when you got that tattoo,” with his other hand, he fists the t-shirt, right in the place where the star circled around a sun is hidden. “You realized that you could never stop loving me and that you could never forget me.”

“Cas—” Dean breathes out desperate. That hand jerking his cock feels too good.

“You keep telling yourself that one day you will finally stop being in love with me, but you can’t. You keep carrying a piece of me in your skin, right where your heart is.” He makes a desperate gasp and Dean trembles under him. “You lie to yourself and say, it is only a memory from the past, it doesn’t mean anything. But we know that it means a lot, Dean. You carry me, in your broken heart. And you will always carry me.”

Dean feels his cock twitching, wanting to come. Castiel’s hand is persistent, applying pleasure where Dean loves to. Their gazes are locked together, like it used to be when they were in that alley. Only that this isn’t the real Cas, but it feels like he truly was it.

“I was the only one who made you feel love, Dean. The first and the only one. And that’s so difficult to forget,” Castiel keeps saying. “You will always love me, Dean. Because I was the only one who saw the light and the darkness of your heart and still loved you.”

Dean comes with a broken moan and closes his eyes. Air feels as it is was made or fire and it burns him when it gets into his lungs. He keeps his eyes closed, panting heavily for a while. When he opens his eyes, he is completely alone. There’s no trace left of that Castiel his mind decided to make. Dean inhales needy, as if he couldn’t breathe for years. His hands are trembling and his eyes feel as they had sand on them.

It takes Dean a while to calm down. Then, he cleans the mess of his come and he stands up from bed, turning off the music. He rubs his face, which is burning right now. Some tears from exhaustion fall down and he wipes them away. He is feeling like shit. He wishes he could stop feeling that burning darkness eating him alive for a moment.

Without thinking it twice, he goes towards the kitchen and grabs a bottle of whiskey he keeps for moments like this. Dean hates drinking, after having an alcoholic father, he has seen what drinking can lead you to, but he hasn’t felt this bad since years, and he needs to take it all away. He is going to hate himself tomorrow, but right now, he needs to take away all that freaking pain away.

Dean turns off his mobile phone in case he gets too drunk and he calls or texts someone and screws things up even more. He takes a long sip from the bottle of whiskey, feeling the golden liquor falling inside his throat with that burning caress alcohol always gives. He exhales sharply after the first sip and closes his eyes. Maybe it isn’t the wisest idea to get drunk, because his mind might want to imagine Cas again, but Dean might manage to shut down his stupid brain for a while, so he takes another sip of whiskey.

Dean drinks almost half the bottle of whiskey. He is drunk, he can feel it, but he doesn’t care. He leaves the bottle of whiskey where it was, trying not to swing too much. Everything around him is starting to move slightly. Once the bottle is back into its place, Dean walks towards his bedroom. He crashes into a few walls on his way back, but at least it isn’t too hard, or it doesn’t feel like it.

He finally gets into his bedroom and grabs his guitar. He lies down on the bed, with his feet on the pillow and his head at the end of the bed. He starts to play his guitar. It sounds good, although he is sure that it must be because he is drunk. He is just playing what his fingers feel like, making incoherent sounds, but for Dean, they aren’t.

Suddenly, Dean starts to sing in a really drunk voice, but he is drunk, so he thinks he sounds good. “ _Turn out the lights, close your eyes, turn up the silence, the heartache of your life. Dance forever, under the lights, this brutal love._ ” Dean plays the guitar as he sings. He sounds out of tune, but he doesn’t give a damn. “ _Oh, how you want it, you're begging for it, but you can't have it, even if you tried. It's in the clutches, in my hands of this brutal love._ ”

Dean feels his voice is rough and wasted, but he keeps singing as he plays the chords of that song. “ _Old toys. This plastic heart. Loners and fools are tearing me apart. Here comes trouble, the uninvited, this brutal love._ ” At least Castiel isn’t hearing him sing this song right now. “ _Danger, not quite at home. The eyes of temptation, the flesh and my bones. Hello stranger, I'm a disaster. This brutal love._ ”

Dean isn’t sure, but he swears the phone from the living room is ringing. He is in the middle of his song and he isn’t going to pick up the damn phone. It’s not important right now. So he keeps singing, “ _Bad luck. Bitters and soda. Anguish and shame, the modern fool. Mad sex. Buy me a train wreck. Something for my troubled miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind._ ”

He starts to make the solo, or what it sounds like it to Dean. The phone rings again and Dean ignores it. He is going to finish the song. “ _Bad luck. Bitters and soda. Anguish and shame, the modern fool. Bad love, kiss me I’m loaded. Something for my troubled miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind. Drop out, drop-dead hideous. How low is this brutal love? Drop out, drop-dead hideous. How low is this brutal love? Drop out, drop-dead hideous. How low is this brutal love? This brutal loooooooove._ ” And he finishes the song, dropping the guitar on the floor.

Dean feels how some tears are falling down, but he is too drunk to care, he just lets the tears free, falling down his face. He looks at nowhere, feeling numb. He makes a few sobs. He doesn’t know why or how and he definitely doesn’t care. It doesn’t take him too long to fall asleep.

There’s some shaking and Dean doesn’t want to wake up, he doesn’t want to leave the darkness and peace of sleeping brings him this soon, but the shaking keeps going on. And Dean can’t open his eyes; they feel so heavy.

“Dean! Dean! Damn it! Wake up!” It is a familiar male voice, but Dean can’t put it a name to it yet or a face. He is still really drunk for that.

When Dean opens his eyes, in a slow and tiring way, he recognizes the man who is shaking him. “Sammy?” Dean asks with a sleepy drunk voice. “What’cha doing ‘ere?”

“I’ve been calling you to you mobile phone and your phone and you didn’t answer!” he yells really angry and frustrated. Dean squeezes his eyes; Sam’s voice is too loud right now. “I thought something bad happened to you!”

“Don’t cha worry Sammy.” Dean says trying to sit down properly on his bed, but the moment he raises his chest, the room starts to spin, his arms tremble and he collapses onto the bed. He should better remain lay down. “’m fine.”

“Dean, you are drunk.” Sam’s voice is so hurt.

“Yep.” He closes his eyes. Everything around him is moving too fast and it is making him feel dizzy. “Couldn’t stand the pain anymo’,” He mumbles.

“What are you talking about?”

“Why can’t we go back there, Sammy?” Dean cries out with the most heartbreaking voice ever. He opens his eyes to look at the ceiling. He can spot Sam standing close to him; that hair is almost impossible not to see. “Why can’t we be happy again, Sammy? Why can’t me and Cas be togethah again?”

“Dean—”

“I wouldn’t hurt him again, Sammy, I wouldn’t.” His voice breaks into a sob and tears decide to fall down again. If he wasn’t drunk, he would hate himself, but right now, he needs to let the pain away. “I would make him happy, I would make him loved again.” He can’t meet his little brother’s eyes right now. He might be drunk, but he can’t stand the hurt in Sam’s eyes. Not ever. “I love him, Sammy. I love him so much.” He makes a sob again. “But he doesn’t. And he won’t. I luv him. Always.”

He keeps mumbling different things, telling Sam how much he loves Castiel. Dean’s voice gets lower and lower and he closes his eyes. He can feel Sam’s hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him down. Dean feels how the darkness of sleep is reaching him slowly, taking his time as Dean keeps mumbling with the lowest possible voice how much he loves Castiel.

“Jess, I’m staying at Dean’s.” Dean hears Sam saying. “He needs me now, so—” But Dean doesn’t hear the rest of the sentence because he falls asleep.

 

When Dean wakes up, it is morning and he is in his bed. His head hurts and his eyes feel sore. He looks at his alarm clock and he sees it is 10:21 a.m. He really slept a lot. He really needed it, actually.

Dean gets up from bed and goes directly to the kitchen, where Sam already is. He is having a cup a coffee as he reads something in his mobile phone; it must be the news. He has made some toasts with fried eggs. Also, there are cereals waiting for Dean and pineapple juice.

The moment Sam notices Dean is there, he moves his sight away from his mobile phone and looks directly at Dean, making a soft but worried smile. “Hey,” Sam simply says.

“Hey,” Dean says ashamed. He sits down on the chair and the first thing he does is to drink the pineapple juice in one sip. His mouth was extremely dry and it tasted like hell. He exhales sharply after the wonderful juice has been drunk. “Thanks for this,” Dean says pointing at the juice and then at the breakfast. Sam nods. “And sorry for yesterday,” he adds really ashamed.

“What do you remember?” Sam inquires with a serious but soft voice.

“Singing, playing the guitar,” Dean starts to say with a thoughtful grimace. Sam makes a confused frowns at that. “Sleep. Then you came and I started crying because of Cas. And then I fall sleep, again.”

“You remember everything.”

“Yeah. But it is blurry.” He rubs his face and he pinches the bridge of his nose. “Sorry for freaking the shit out of you, Sammy.” He takes a deep breath and looks at the worried eyes of his little brother. “I turned off the mobile phone and I didn’t want to pick up the phone.”

“Next time, pick it up, even if you are drunk.” He arches his eyebrows in a warning way and Dean nods. “I called you for hours and you didn’t answer and I got scared.”

Dean feels really bad about it. “I wasn’t thinking properly,” he says before starting to eat his cereals. His stomach was starting to grumble; after all, he didn’t have dinner last night. The last time he ate was at midday, an alcohol doesn’t feed.

“I know.” He takes a deep breath. “I thought you now only drank a couple of beers, not until you got dangerously drunk.”

Dean closes his eyes and inhales needy. “I needed to take the pain away for one night.” He hates himself for worrying Sam and making him see how he was because of the alcohol. “I just—” He takes a deep breath and rubs his exhausted eyes. “I just wanted to stop feeling things for one single night.”

Sam gasps and then he sighs. “Dean, you can’t keep things like this.”

“And what do you suggest me to do?” He shoves his hands away and looks at Sam in a desperate way. Does his brother think that Dean hasn’t tried everything? Dean is so tired of trying to stop feeling like this, but he always fails, and he is tired of trying and failing. He is too tired of feeling that pain every time he fails. He buries his face in his hands and grunts, frustrated and tired.

“Talk to Cas,” Sam simply says. Dean moves his hands away and he rolls his eyes at that. As if everything could be as simple as talking to Cas. “Tell him that you love him, tell him why you left.”

“It’s not gonna work, Sammy.”

“Why not?”

“Because he doesn’t love me.” It is a simple answer but only Dean and Castiel are the only ones who understand it. Sam’s shoulders fall down in defeat. “And he will never love me again. I already explained you that.”

“Maybe if he knew everything—”

“No,” Dean interrupts with a murmur. “It won’t remove the pain we’ve been through for almost sixteen years.” He looks at his cereals, floating over the milk, the chocolate of them dying the milk in a light brown color. “It wouldn’t change anything.”

“And how are you so sure about it?”

“Because he told me so,” he answers looking at his brother.

Sam chuckles in an acid way. “You also told him that you didn’t want to get back to where you left.” He makes that smart face he does when he knows he is right. Dean shakes his head, trying to prove Sam wrong. “He could have lied too.”

“He didn’t lie, Sam.” He knows that Cas was really sincere when he told him that he didn’t want to get back with Dean. He only wanted a friendship in order to feel better, because they can never get closure in between them. “I hurt him. He can’t love me again. He doesn’t want to get hurt again.”

“And what are you going to do? Suffer in silence?” His voice is breathy and heartbreaking. This thing affects Sam almost as much as it affects Dean.

Dean shrugs. “What other choice do I have?” He looks at his hands, all covered with freckles. Castiel always liked his freckles, he has a passion for them. Sometimes, when class was boring, he grabbed a red marker and started to connect the freckles, making different doodles or drawing constellations. Those hands were really young, and now, they are getting old. Sometimes he forgets how long sixteen years are. He is not a kid anymore. Time has passed and it shows on Dean’s skin.

“You could do something Dean, anything,” Sam says desperate. His eyes are glassy. Sam always worried too much for Dean. And Dean always did the same for Sam, of course. “You have to fight for him. You have to win his heart back.”

Dean makes a sad smile and fights the urge to cry. He already cried when he was drunk; there’s no need to release more tears. “It’s too late for that.”

“It’s never too late!” he yells angrily and frustrated, startling Dean a little, who looks at his brother with a confused frown. Sam sighs and runs a hand through his long hair. “You were made for each other, Dean. You two were so fucking happy. And you are going to let Cas pass out of your life like this?”

“You don’t get it, don’t you Sam?” Dean hates how hurt he sounds. “I lost him once. I hurt him once. I’m not gonna make the same mistake again.” He sounds so confident and serious. “He is back. I never thought I was gonna see him again. I can’t lose him again and I know that if I ever told him that I still love him, he would run away. I just want Cas in my life, I need him.” He looks up to avoid freeing his tears. “I would rather spend the rest of my life having him as a friend than spending it without him.”

“I know it Dean. I know that.”

“Then, why do you keep encouraging me to tell him that I’m still in love with him?”

Sam makes an innocent but sad smile. “Because you haven’t seen the way he looks at you when you don’t look at him.” He sighs and dean frowns. “As if you were the sun and he was willing to let you burn him slowly. He is Icarus and you are the sun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Dean sings is _Brutal Love_ by Green Day :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions *-*

It isn’t a regular Friday evening. Dean called Castiel on Wednesday to tell him that Sam and Jess were coming on Friday to have dinner at his place and they wanted Cas to join them if he didn’t mind. Castiel agreed to do that. Castiel adores spending Friday’s evenings and nights alone with Dean, watching a movie, but spending a Friday night just sitting around the table, talking and having dinner is something that Castiel enjoys too.

After Castiel has rung the doorbell and the door has been opened, Dean is revealed and he frowns confused. “You are early,” Dean says.

Castiel squints his eyes at first and then he realizes that he was supposed to arrive forty five minutes later than he usually does. “Damn it,” Castiel mutters rubbing his face ashamed. “My subconscious played it on me.”

Dean chuckles. “Come in.”

“Sorry.” He steps into the apartment and the overwhelming smell of what it must be the dinner makes Castiel’s mouth water. “I don’t know what it is what you are cooking, but it smells wonderful,” he says with a moaning voice.

Dean laughs brightly and Castiel would lie if he said that sound doesn’t warm him in a wonderful way. “It always smells wonderful for you, Cas.” He goes towards the kitchen and Castiel observes him as he takes off his trench coat.

Once Castiel has hung the trench coat on the rack, he goes to the kitchen too, wanting to know what Dean has in the oven. He is surprised by it. “Ribs?”

“Yeah,” he says proudly. “Want all of you with sticky fingers and meat saturated.” Castiel can’t help rolling his eyes with that. “Try this.” Dean offers him a wooden spoon with some barbeque sauce.

Castiel tries it and he can’t suppress the moan he makes. “Holy shit, Dean,” he says impressed. Dean’s grin almost reaches his ears; he does know that Castiel doesn’t usually curse, unless he is really pissed off or really impressed, which is this case is the last thing. “It’s delicious.”

“Did you have any doubt about that?” he teases cockily.

Castiel punches his arm and Dean laughs. “You are a cocky idiot.”

“You betcha.” He leans to open the oven’s door and he puts some sauce over the ribs. The delicious smell intensifies and Castiel wishes he could eat that right now. Although the ribs still need some more time to be cooked. “I’m gonna make some fries and I already have a coleslaw ready, do you think it would be enough?” He closes the oven’s door and puts the jar with the barbeque sauce on the worktop.

“I think it will be more than enough.”

Suddenly, the door opens. “I know you told me to come later, but that frigging smell has arrived to my place and it is impossible to stay there,” Charlie starts to say. “Hey, Cas! You are already here!” she says enthusiastically when she spots Castiel. She doesn’t doubt to give him a friendly hug that Castiel returns.

“Hello, Charlie,” Castiel says with a wide smile. When they pull away, he frowns curiously. “You are joining us for dinner?”

“Yes, she is,” Dean says. He has started to peel some potatoes. “She always comes when Sam and Jess come over. She says it is because she loves them, but I know it is because of my food.”

Castiel laughs and Charlie rolls her eyes. “I love them and I love your food,” she specifies, placing her hands on her waist. “And I love Castiel too.” She gives him a small squeeze on his arm in a friendly way and Castiel smiles at her. “And I bet that our charming blue eyed prince is here because of the people and the food, right Castiel?”

“Right.” Both of them chuckle and Dean rolls his eyes, although there’s a tiny grin trying to make its way into his lovely lips. “Do you need some help with that?”

Dean looks at him with curious eyes as if he wasn’t expecting Castiel’s help. Dean smiles in that honest way of his before he says, “You peel and I cut.”

“Okay.” He approaches Dean, who hands him the peeler and Castiel starts to peel the potatoes while Dean cuts them in thin strips.

“While you two do that, I’m going to set the table,” Charlie says. Her voice sounds a bit distant because she is looking for the tablecloth.

“It was about time you started doing something,” Dean teases.

“Shut up, Winchester!” she says with a bossy voice. Dean laughs and Castiel chuckles. “You don’t want to mess up with me.” Her voice sounds closer now.

“What are you gonna do, huh?” He keeps cutting the potatoes in really thin strips and Castiel is amused by it. He hasn’t eaten French fries cut that way. “Remember I can kick you out of the dinner. And I know you don’t want that.”

Charlie appears next to Dean, placing her face really close to Dean. “Oh Dean, you don’t wanna know what I can use against you.” Then she gives a small glance at Castiel followed by a wink before she moves away.

“I don’t know why I’m still your friend.” Dean chuckles and bites his lower lip.

“Because deep down, you love me, Dean.” At that, Castiel turns his face and gives Charlie a confused look. “Oh Cas, not like that,” she says with a charming smile. He doesn’t miss how Dean turns his face to look at Castiel with an arched brow. “He’s totally not my type,” she says laughing and Dean laughs too.

“What’s so funny?” Castiel asks confused.

“She’s lesbian, Cas,” Dean answers in between laughs. Now Castiel understands why they laughed.

“Okay,” Castiel says chuckling and blushing a little.

“You thought I was straight?” Charlie asks with a funny and dorky grimace.

Castiel shrugs. “I didn’t think anything, actually. I don’t think about people’s sexuality, whatever it is, when I met them. I just focus on how they are. They can be straight, bi, homosexual, pansexual, asexual or anything they are; as long as they aren’t bad people, I don’t care about the rest.”

Charlie makes a sweet smile and she goes directly to kiss Castiel’s cheek. “You are such a sweetheart. I wish there were more people like you, Cas.”

Castiel blushes. “Shut up,” he says with a really low voice and with a timid smile.

Charlie’s phone starts to ring; her ringtone is the intro music from _Star Wars_. “I’ll be right back, gotta pick this,” she says going towards the hall. Then, there’s the sound of a door being closed.

Dean looks at him with curious eyes and Castiel looks at him with his most confused frown. “What?”

“Did you think that me and Charlie were together?” Dean asks casually and with a teasing smile. Castiel is about to say something, but Dean keeps talking. “Because by the speed you turned around to look at her when she said that deep down, I loved her, it suggests so.”

Castiel chuckles. “Maybe. You could have slept with her. You told me that you liked girls too,” he says casually. He ignores how thinking about Dean sleeping with someone else who isn’t Castiel hurts him. They never actually had sex in the right sense of the word; just handjobs and blowjobs. An important part of Castiel still wishes that he had lost his virginity with Dean instead with a random guy he knew at his university. It was a desperate night and Castiel spent the whole time picturing Dean instead of that man.

“No. I would never sleep with Charlie, she is like a little sister to me.” His mocking smile is now replaced by a tender one. It seems that Dean wants to add something else, but he presses his lips into a thin line, suppressing any other words.  
“What is it?” He knows that expression. After all, Dean still prefers to lock himself than saying things out loud.

“Nothing,” he answers casually, but he can’t meet Castiel’s eyes. Castiel would like to know, but if Dean doesn’t want to talk about it, he won’t push. It has always been like that.

Charlie comes no longer after that and the three of them keep doing their tasks. Then, they sit around the table and they talk about TV shows and films and larping and all those geek stuff they love. Time flies and Sam and Jess soon arrive to the apartment, so Dean starts to make the fries once everyone is around the table.

Once everything is served, the overwhelming and delicious smell of the ribs, the fries and the coleslaw impregnates everything around it. Dean hasn’t even fully sat down when Sam starts to put things on his plate. Everyone gives him a shocked glare, but Sam just chuckles.

As Castiel expected, the food is beyond delicious. And he lets Dean know that and Dean makes one of the most beautiful smiles Castiel has ever seen. He is going to treasure that smile in his memory. And he is going to do the same with the little bumps of their knees under the table. It is accidentally, of course, they are sitting next to each other and they are really close, but still, Castiel likes that feeling. He shouldn’t; bells are ringing in his head, warning him that he shouldn’t like something like this, but he doesn’t care, and it seems that Dean doesn’t either, so they aren’t going to give it any importance at all.

“You know,” Jess starts to say. The five of them have finished eating. They haven’t had the dessert yet, but all of them are full and no one wants to move from the table right now. “If you cooked as good as Dean, you would be the perfect man,” she says to Sam as she caresses Sam’s hair.

Sam chuckles and rolls his eyes. Dean, naturally, makes a mocking chuckle. “Are you jealous, Sammy?” Dean teases.

“Oh, shut up,” Sam says with a funny grimace. “You might be the best at cooking, but I’m the tallest and the one with better hair,” he snaps really sassily.

Dean rolls his eyes, but the rest of them just laugh. “Have you actually looked at your hair? I wouldn’t be surprised if one of these days some birds came out of it.” With his hands he mimics as if some birds were flying of his own hair.

“I forgot about your childish arguments,” Castiel comments amused. Sam chuckles and Dean makes a weird grimace accompanied by a soft blush.

“Were they as terrible as now?” Jess wonders.

“I think they are worse now.” Charlie and Jess laugh while Sam and Dean glare Castiel. “Don’t look at me like that, I’m not telling any lie,” he says, trying to sound innocent.

“And you haven’t seen them fighting over a videogame,” Charlie adds. Now the Winchester brother’s glares go directly to the red haired girl, but she ignores them. “They always end up on the floor rolling and shaking their hands saying, it’s mine! No it’s mine! Give it to me! Make me!”

Just imagining that makes Castiel burst into an uncontrollable laughter. Jess and Charlie join him. Sam just hides his face on his hands as he chuckles, and Dean, well, he has that lovely smile and those eyes wanting to say so many things but he hides those words. Sometimes Castiel sees a glimpse of the love Dean used to have for him, but it only last an instant, like a mirage. And it stabs his heart to know that what Castiel thinks he saw it was only an illusion.

“You always have to tell that thing to everybody, Charlie?” Sam asks frustrated.

Right now, Castiel isn’t looking at the younger Winchester; Castiel’s eyes are on Dean’s, which seem to try to look into his soul. Why can’t he move his eyes away from that green forest Dean has for eyes? He got lost once into that forest and he was unable to find his way out; he didn’t want to, actually. He can’t get lost again into them. Not now. Not ever. He can’t surrender to those eyes and let them wrap him as he gets lost, because he will end up hurt again, and he can’t go through that one more time.

“Of course I have to!” Charlie says in between laughs.

Still, neither Dean nor Castiel stop looking at each other. They don’t say a word. Their eyes are trying to say what they can’t with words, but it has been a long time since they could do that. Now, it is almost impossible to understand the language of their eyes.

But finally, Castiel manages to get away from that intense green stare. He tries to look casually, even if his heart is at one thousand miles per hour. He can see from the corner of his eye that Dean acts as if it nothing had just happened. Another stab goes directly to Castiel’s heart because it doesn’t mean anything to Dean. And why does Castiel keep seeking some meaning out of this? He doesn’t want to go back where they left before Dean left Pontiac, so why does he keep with those feelings, with those ambitions? It’s illogical.

“But you never talk about how Dean’s face ended up on the mud when he was larping,” Sam snaps.

“Hey!” Dean says annoyed. “Why do you have to bring that now?”

“I don’t tell it because I have it filmed and I only have to show it,” Charlie says with a bright smile. She grabs her phone and she starts to look for something into it. “Here it is,” she says turning her phone so everyone can see the video.

“Charlie, I hate you so much.”

“You were wearing a wig?” Castiel asks laughing. Dean looks hilarious with half of his face painted in red and long hair. But he has to admit that he looks good with those medieval clothes.

“Yes, I was wearing a wig, got a problem with that?” he snaps with a lot of sarcasm.

Castiel just shakes his head and tries so hard not to laugh right now. Like Sam said, Dean suddenly trips over and his face goes directly into the mud. Now, Castiel can’t hold his laughter anymore because seeing it it’s more hilarious than imagining it, so Castiel laughs and laughs. Jess does the same, although not as loud as Castiel. Charlie and Sam chuckle in a really cocky way, and Dean just blushes and squeezes his lips, almost in a pout.

“I should have food poisoned you,” Dean says frustrated.

“Don’t be mad,” Castiel says with a soothing smile. He rests his hand on Dean’s shoulder and gives it a small squeeze, without realizing that it isn’t something they usually do now. Dean gives him a quick shock glance, with his eyes wide opened, but it doesn’t last long. The shock in his face is replaced by a tiny warm smile with tender eyes. And Castiel’s heart skips a beat at that. Castiel tries to act cool and he simply makes a casual face and pulls his hand away, trying to be subtle about it. “Don’t make me use your brother’s puppy eyes against you,” he teases.

All of them start to laugh brightly and Castiel can’t help the heartwarming feeling filling his chest. He likes this; being with friends, laughing, talking, spending the night in such a wonderful joy. He can’t remember when he felt like home, when he felt this accepted and part of a family.

“How about we take a photo?” Charlie says excited. 

“Yes! Please!” Jess exclaims happily and standing up from her chair to place herself next to Charlie. “You too, big man.” She pulls Sam’s arm, making Sam stand up too and to stand behind Jess. “What are you two waiting for?” she asks to Dean and Castiel.

Dean goes next to his brother and behind Charlie, so Castiel places himself next to Dean. Suddenly, one of Dean’s arms comes to rest around Sam’s shoulders and the other around Castiel’s. It catches Castiel with his guard off, but it feels good, so good that he presses himself a bit more against Dean’s side, leaning slightly onto him, feeling his warm body even if there are several layers of clothes in between their skins; but Dean’s warmth has always been really intense.

“Okay,” Charlie says after putting her phone on the table and setting the timer. “Squeeze yourselves more. I don’t wanna have anyone out of the photo.” And everybody gets closer. Castiel places his hand on Dean’s waist, not so sure if he should do that, but Dean doesn’t say anything about it or react against it.

There’s the sound of the photo being taken and all of them want to pull away, but Jess speaks, “Now one with funny faces.”

“Fine,” Dean says reluctantly and rolling his eyes. Castiel isn’t sure what face to do and Dean seems to notice his confusion. “I’ve got an idea,” he says with a mischievous smile. Suddenly, the hand that was on Sam’s shoulder goes directly to Castiel’s cheeks and he squeezes them, making Castiel make a fish face mixed with confusion. Dean then makes a weird, funny face and the photo is taken.

Charlie sends both pictures to everyone once they are sat down again. Castiel loves both photos; the normal one and the funny one. Charlie has a psycho face, as if she was about to murder someone. Jess has her tongue out and her index fingers are in the corners of her mouth, opening it as much as possible. Sam is making an overexcited face as with one of his hands he touches his hair. Dean has put his crossed eyes and has his mouth quirked and Castiel has the fish face Dean made by squeezing his cheeks.

They spend a long time talking and laughing after that. No one of them care about the time. They are having a great time together. That’s why when Sam looks at his watch, he is surprised to see that it is almost midnight. The five of them start to pick up all the dishes, glasses and cutlery and they put it in the dishwasher machine.

All of them say goodbye to each other. Sam, Jess and Charlie leave the apartment, but Castiel stays there after they have closed the door. He doesn’t know why, but he doesn’t want to leave yet. He doesn’t want to go home. Castiel’s apartment doesn’t fully feel as home anymore.

“Do you want me to drive you home, Cas?” Dean asks as he starts the dishwasher machine. Castiel opens his mouth to say something, but he immediately closes it. He wants to spend the night in Dean’s apartment, but why? It’s not his home, but it feels like it is more than his own apartment. “Something’s wrong, Cas?” Dean has approached him and he is carrying that worried face of his.

“No, nothing’s wrong Dean,” Castiel lies.

But Dean can see through his lies. “Cas,” he simply says. It is only his name, but Castiel knows that word carries more than his name.

Castiel sighs. It isn’t that hard to say that he wants to stay, so why is it so difficult to let it out? “It’s late,” he starts to say. “I should better leave.” And he starts to walk towards the rack, where his trench coat is waiting for him.

He doesn’t expect Dean to say the following thing. “You can stay if you want to.” It makes Castiel turn around and look at Dean’s face. Castiel frowns confused; how did Dean know that was what Castiel wanted? “Sometimes you are pretty transparent, Cas,” Dean says with a tender, warm smile.

Castiel is kind of scared that Dean can still see him properly when Castiel isn’t able to do such thing with himself. Maybe one day Dean could see the things Castiel doesn’t want him to see and everything will be screwed up again. Castiel takes a deep breath. “It’s getting pretty late.”

“Yeah, I know. But I don’t have to wake up early tomorrow, and I think neither you do.” He sounds so casual but at the same time, there’s some hint of excitement in Dean’s voice. “If you wanna stay, stay. I don’t mind it at all.” He takes a few steps towards Castiel. There’s still some space in between them, enough to have their personal space. “If you wanna sleep here, you can sleep. It’s your choice.” He sounds so honest.

He should better not stay. He is dying for it, but it isn’t right. It is better if Castiel just goes back to his place. He hasn’t forgotten what happened two weeks ago, when he found out Dean singing that song. Castiel’s heart started to do painful things, he started to think about things he didn’t want to; he can’t go through that again. Maybe nothing happens, but better be safe than sorry.

Castiel wants to stay with Dean, to sit on that couch and watch something with him and then go to bed, with Dean’s clothes and sleep in that warm bed. He wants to wake up and find Dean making breakfast, singing and dancing happily. But that isn’t Castiel’s life. It will never be. So he has to cut himself loose from those reflections of a life that never happened and will never happen. The more he stares at that unreal life, the more he will want it, and Castiel knows that it is a dangerous territory.

“Thank you, but I should better leave, Dean,” Castiel finally says. He tries his best to make a tender smile that seems real.

It is impossible not to see that Dean was expecting Castiel to stay. His face looks sad, but he suddenly changes it for a serious and casual one. He is locking himself in, like he always does. “Okay,” Dean simply says. His face must be without any expression right now, but his voice and his eyes show that he doesn’t want Cas to leave. “I will drive you home.”

“It’s not necessary, Dean.”

“You said it is late.” The expression in his voice has faded away too. It feels as if Dean was hurt by Castiel’s decision and he was trying to hide it. It puzzles Castiel. “It is better if I drive you back home.” He goes towards the rack and puts on his leather jacket. Castiel puts on his trench coat, looking carefully at Dean, trying to understand why Dean is so affected by this, but he can’t find anything. “Let’s go,” he murmurs as he goes towards the door.

Dean doesn’t meet Castiel’s eyes for a single moment and much less they say a word about anything. The whole ride is spent in silence. Clearly, Dean is upset and the more Castiel tries to know why Dean is like this, why it upsets Castiel’s choice to go back home this much, the less Castiel understands.

Castiel could explain himself, but Dean isn’t a fan of talking and Castiel knows that if he told him the real reasons of why he thinks it is better for him to not spend the night at Dean’s place, it would complicate things a lot. He can’t tell Dean that he isn’t staying because he doesn’t want to have a heartache when he finds him in the kitchen, making him breakfast. Now that he thinks it, it sounds really stupid. But that’s how the things related with the heart are; they are stupid and nonsense. And so difficult to understand.

Finally, after the long trip, or what it seemed so long because of that uncomfortable silence in between them, they are in front of the building where Castiel lives.

“I’ll see you next week, Cas?” Dean asks with a slightly trembling voice, as if he was afraid that Castiel could say no.

“Of course,” Castiel answers as sweet as possible.

Dean nods and gives a small look to him. It is a quick glance, but there’s hurt in those eyes. “Goodnight then, Cas.”

“Dean,” he says, almost interrupting Dean. The green eyed man looks at Castiel with a small frown. “Did you want me to stay at your place?”

“I wouldn’t have minded.” That’s not the answer Castiel was hoping. He was expecting it, because after all, Dean would rather lie when it comes to himself than letting someone know what he truly wants. It is easier to lie than to say a simple ‘yes’. Talking is something Dean has always failed at. He did quite well when they were a couple, but Dean never did too well. He tried and he did the best he could, but sometimes, it wasn’t enough. Luckily, his eyes were always too expressive and Castiel could read them. But Dean’s eyes are now a foreign language to Castiel. And he is tired of trying to read them. He is tired of trying to find something he will never find. “Why do you ask?”

“You seem disturbed by my decision,” Castiel answers, pretending to be casual. His heart is starting to ache and it is never a good sign.

Dean takes a long deep breath. “Guess I didn’t want the night to end yet,” he confesses in a murmur. He is being honest, Castiel knows, but he also knows that Dean isn’t telling him everything. “I just—” He makes a nervous, shy smile. His eyes run away from Castiel’s, but they soon meet them again. “I just wanted you to stay a little bit longer.”

Castiel opens his mouth slightly, surprised by Dean’s honesty. He feels a bit bad about leaving Dean’s place, but he knows he made the right choice. Still, he doesn’t like knowing that Dean wanted to spend a little bit more with Cas. “I’m sorry if I—” Castiel starts to say.

“Cas, fuck, don’t apologize,” Dean says really annoyed and grimacing. “I could have said something too, y’know?” He shrugs and looks through the window, avoiding Cas’ eyes. Then, Castiel hears Dean inhaling sharply. “Don’t worry.” He turns his face to look at Castiel, making a soft smile that seems genuine. “It’s fine. It’s been a long day and we both deserve going to sleep.” He starts to sound less hurt the more he talks. “We’ve got a lot of Fridays to watch movies, right?” He now sounds happy.

Castiel smiles. “Yes, we do.” He is relieved to know that Dean isn’t upset anymore. “I will see you next Friday then,” Castiel announces as he opens the Impala’s door. Dean nods. “Goodnight, Dean.”

“Goodnight, Cas.”

Once Castiel closes the door and walks towards the building’s door, Dean moves away with his car, and like always, Castiel watches him leave. He still wishes he could wake up at Dean’s apartment and find him making breakfast. And a part that he is trying to bury deep down so he can forget about its existence, wants to do that every day and also, to receive a good morning kiss from Dean.

But that thought is suppressed in the deepest and darkest place of his being.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions :)

The welcoming warmth from Dean’s apartment embraces Castiel the moment he steps in it. And like every Friday night, the delicious smell of something Dean is making for dinner reaches his nose. It is something so simple, but it makes Castiel feel really good.

Dean chuckles. “Smells good, huh?”

“It always smells good,” Castiel says with a happy grin. He takes off his trench coat and then, he walks towards the kitchen to look what Dean is making. He makes a happy, pleased noise when he sees it. “Burgers!”

“Yep. With extra cheese and bacon,” Dean says really happy as he puts some bacon on the pan.

“I know we always eat as we watch the movie, but tonight can we eat first?” he asks with an innocent voice. Dean turns his face to give him an inquiring look. “I want to enjoy the burger without missing the movie,” he confesses shyly.

Dean bursts into a wonderful laugh and Castiel grins widely and without any trouble at all. Deep down, he still adores making Dean laugh. “Okay,” he says in between laughs. “By the way, I haven’t chosen a movie yet, so once we finish dinner, chose whatever you want.”

“Good.”

Dean finishes making the burgers really soon and they sit around the table to eat them. Dean makes delicious and tasty burgers and Castiel loves them. He lets Dean know it by his tiny moans and by praising him. Dean blushes and laughs, and he thanks him his kind words. He looks so cute when he is all that shy and blushed.

When they have finished eating and they have cleaned the dishes, Castiel goes towards the bookshelf where Dean has all his movies. Dean stands next to him, with his shoulder resting on the wall, waiting for Castiel to pick up a movie. Castiel has seen most of the DVDs Dean has. He hopes to find a movie he hasn’t seen yet and that he has wanted to watch, but for now, he doesn’t. If he doesn’t find one, he would choose one he has already seen.

But he finally finds a movie he hasn’t seen and he has always wanted to watch. When he shows it to Dean, he makes a confused frown. “ _Forrest Gump_? Seriously?” Dean asks surprised and confused.

“I’ve never seen it,” Castiel says.

“You’re kidding me.”

“I’m not kidding you.” He looks at the DVD cover, looking at Tom Hanks sitting on a bench. “I have never had the choice to watch it and I really want to. It’s on my ‘movies to watch’ list”

“Are you sure you want to watch it?” Dean asks. His lower lip is trembling and he has swallowed a couple of times. He looks nervous and unsure and Castiel doesn’t know why.

“Yes. Unless you don’t want to,” he says cautious, looking carefully at his friend. “You look disturbed by it.”

Dean shifts his weigh to his other foot, a thing he always does when he is nervous. “No, it’s just that—” He starts to rub the back of his neck. Another nervous tic he has. “You don’t know what happens on it, right?”

“I only know the famous quote 'Run Forrest, run',” he admits. It makes Dean chuckle, which surprisingly, it isn’t nervous at all. “I would really like to watch it. It is a classic,” he says with an innocent voice and looking again at the cover. “But if you don’t want to—”

“Okay. We’ll watch it, then,” Dean says taking a deep breath.

Castiel looks at him worried. If Dean doesn’t want to watch it, they don’t have to. “Dean, if you don’t want to—”

“Shut up.” He grabs the DVD from Castiel’s hands and walks towards the DVD player. “But I’m warning you, I might cry,” he says looking at Castiel with wide eyes and a small glare.

“Oh.” So that’s why Dean didn’t want to watch the movie. He has never felt too comfortable when he cried in front of someone. Castiel makes a comforting smile. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about it.”

That comment makes Dean let out a happy laugh. “You are a dick.” He grins.

They sit down on the couch and Dean presses the play button. Castiel doesn’t miss the slight trembling of Dean’s lower lip. Dean isn’t one of those guys that get emotional with movies or TV shows or books, but he might get emotional with this film and Castiel doesn’t know exactly why. He should stop thinking about it and enjoy the film instead.

Castiel likes how Forrest tells his childhood, bringing some innocence and sweetness that he could only give. If someone else would have told the same story, it wouldn’t be like that. He likes how Forrest sees the world, a world he doesn’t fully fit in, but a world that amuses him. And he loves how Jenny and Forrest’s friendship starts and develops. Castiel is really enjoying it, and it has only begun.

He also likes the many different important things that happen to Forrest, how big his heart is, his innocence, how despite of not having things as easy as the rest, he succeeds and achieves so many things. It is admirable. The more time he watches the movie, the more he likes Forrest Gump.

But the more he watches it, the more he understands why Dean looked so uncomfortable with watching it. And it has to do with how in love Forrest is with Jenny, and how she always pulls him away. Forrest loves her with all his heart, he is always doing things because of her, she gives him strengths and courage and he cares about her a lot. But Jenny is always running away from Forrest, doing terrible things to herself. And yet, Forrest keeps loving her and trying to help her. But she always rejects him.

Neither Dean nor Castiel say a word about it when Jenny walks away from Forrest again. This time, she leaves after running into him in Washington. Castiel’s heart breaks again at seeing how she leaves him for some douchebag.

The movie keeps playing and Forrest is now with Dan and fishing shrimps. It doesn’t take too long until they arrive to the part where Forrest’s mother dies. Castiel feels his eyes getting a bit glassy, but he doesn’t let any tear out.

Surprisingly, Jenny appears at Forrest’s house and he stays with him. Finally, Jenny seems to have decided that being with Forrest is the best she could do. And Forrest says that it was the best moment of his life, when he and Jenny lived together. Castiel spends that part of Forrest’s life smiling all the time, except when Jenny sees her old house and she breaks down.

But Castiel’s heart breaks again when the next morning, after Forrest and Jenny had sex, she leaves him again. Everything wasn’t perfect, but it was the closest thing to full happiness both of them ever had. When Jenny sneaked into Forrest’s bed after he told him that he wanted to marry her and that he knew what love was, Castiel was hoping that she would stay with Forrest and be happy with him.

“Why does she leave him?” Castiel asks with a heartbreaking voice. He doesn’t understand why Jenny wants to leave again; she was happy from the first time in her life and she is leaving Forrest and their happiness without any reason at all. He wants to understand it, but he can’t.

Dean inhales sharply and Castiel turns his face to look at him; his eyes are extremely glassy. “Because she knows she isn’t good enough for him. She knows he will be better without her. That way, she would cause him less pain.”

Castiel makes a painful face. He wants to cry, but he can’t. He also wants to ask why Jenny might think so, why she keeps running away from the only person who has ever loved her, why she doesn’t realize that with that, she is only hurting Forrest. But something is avoiding Castiel to let all those doubts out. He can’t talk; he has a limp in his throat that avoids him to speak. So he simply swallows with difficulty and he keeps watching the movie.

Again, neither Dean nor Castiel say anything related with the movie. They always comment things about the film they are watching, but not tonight. They stay in silence, watching Forrest Gump. Castiel doesn’t know how Dean’s heart is doing, but his own heart isn’t doing too well.

Finally, Jenny and Forrest meet again and Forrest meets his son. Forrest and Jenny marry, but Jenny dies not so long after that. That’s the moment when Castiel can’t hold anymore his tears and he lets them out. The warm, salty tears fall from his eyes down his face, getting colder the further they go. He doesn’t sob; his throat is suppressing those sounds.

The movie finishes and Castiel lets out a shaky breath. He looks at Dean; there are some tear traces on his face too, but he isn’t looking as terrible at Castiel. “It’s not fair,” Castiel simply says. Dean turns his face to meet Castiel’s eyes. The color of Dean’s eyes is now a lighter shade of green; it always happens when Dean cries. “He didn’t deserve that. Not after everything. She got the girl of his dreams and she died.”

“No,” Dean starts to murmur. “It isn’t fair.” He takes a deep breath and he wipes off the few tears on his face. “He finally got her, but it only lasted for so little.”

“If she stayed with him earlier, if she could have let herself being loved by him since the beginning, it wouldn’t have ended up like that.” The more he talks the more his heart breaks. He takes a deep breath and looks up, trying to avoid spilling more tears. “It would have hurt him less.”

“She knew that she didn’t deserve him. He was too good for her. She didn’t want to drag him down the pit. He deserved much better.” Dean’s voice is a soft whisper filled with pain.

Castiel moves his eyes from the ceiling to Dean’s face. Those green eyes are focused on the floor. “That’s why you left me?” he asks with a trembling and heartbreaking voice. He doesn’t know why he asked that; in normal conditions he wouldn’t have asked that, but for the first time, he wants to know, to understand. His heart is already aching for the movie and for how it reminded it of him and Dean.

Dean turns his face immediately, panic, shock and pain well reflected on it. His mouth is parted and his lower lip is trembling. Dean closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before he opens them again and he speaks breathily. “Why do you ask that now?”

He doesn’t fully know. Part of him doesn’t want to know the answer while the other part wants to. It won’t change anything, knowing or not knowing. He hates when his feelings are messy and he can’t think properly or figure things out. “I don’t know,” he confesses with a extremely painful voice.

Dean inhales sharply and he stands up, walking towards the DVD player to pick up the DVD. “This is why I didn’t wanna watch this movie,” he begins to say sharply but sounding really hurt. He saves the DVD in its pack and puts it back on the bookshelf. “I knew this was gonna bring things we didn’t want to,” he adds really pissed off, but still, he sounds so hurt.

Castiel stands up and walks towards Dean. “It has already brought it, so, for the first time in your life, don’t run away from me and us,” he demands with anger, frustration and pain. Dean’s eyes are sharp on him but they are shocked too. Castiel knows Dean wants to snap him, but instead, Dean doesn’t say anything. “Did you leave me because you thought like Jenny? That you weren’t good enough for me?” he asks. Dean is about to say something, but Castiel speaks up again, this time sounding more hurt and a few tears fall down, letting out a thought he has always carried with himself. “Or did you leave because I wasn’t good enough for you?”

“How can you think so?” Dean sounds so hurt by it. “You really think that I left because you weren’t good enough for me?” Some tears fall down from Dean’s eyes as well. Castiel nods. “Holy fuck.” He makes a painful, bitter smile and chuckles as bitterly as possible. “Didn’t all my ‘I love you’s prove you what you truly were for me, how important you were for me?”

“They were just words, weren’t they?” He can see how Dean’s heart breaks when he says that. “Did you ever mean them?”

“Of course I meant them!” he yells frustrated and hurt. “For fuck’s sake, Cas! I haven’t said those words to anyone except to you!”

Castiel clenches his teeth, trying to suppress a sob. He closes his eyes and feels more tears being spilled out. “If you truly meant them,” he starts to mutter with all the pain he holds in his heart, looking at Dean with glassy, red eyes. “You wouldn’t have left me. Everything you ever said to me were just empty words.” He is letting out all that pain he spent so many years trying to forget or to bury deep down. “I was nothing to you, Dean! Nothing!”

“Enough!” Dean screams angrily and with a painful cry. He takes a step forward, steeping into Castiel’s personal space. Castiel can see the hurt and frustration in Dean’s eyes. “Enough,” he repeats with his heartbreaking voice. “You can think anything about me, that I’m a dick, a bastard, a shit and you know what? You will be right.” He sounds so confident about his words, even if his voice is trembling and sounding more painful than Castiel has ever heard. “But don’t you ever, ever, dare to doubt that I didn’t love you. Because I loved you Cas, I loved you more than anything, and fuck, I still love you.” Castiel opens his eyes widely at that confession. “I meant every single word I said, every 'I love you' I said, every praising, every single fucking thing, Cas.” Dean’s eyes are full of tears and his face is flushed of anger. “You are the whole world to me, the best thing that ever happened to me. So don’t go and dare to tell me that what I said were lies, because they weren’t. Don’t you dare to say that nothing was real, because it was too fucking real. And don’t you dare to tell me that I didn’t love you. Because I did, and I still do.”

Castiel fists the front of Dean’s t-shirt and pulls him into a needy and passionate kiss. It is an impulsive kiss, Castiel knows it, and he shouldn’t be kissing Dean, but all those things fade away the moment Dean’s lips are against his. It feels better than words can describe to have Dean’s lips on his again after so long. They are better than he remembers.

They pull away after a long moment, looking at each other shocked, trying to process what have just happened, not truly believing that they kissed, until both of them start to kiss again, this time more desperate and pressing as impossibly closer as they can, feeling their bodies pressed together and with his restless hands wandering on each other, touching everywhere. It feels as if they hadn’t done that for centuries.

Kisses get hotter and more desperate and no one of them knows where one kiss finishes and another starts, and they don’t care. They moan in every kiss. Their teeth click, their tongues swirl together, they explore each other’s mouth, trying to remember how they were. They don’t stop for a single moment, not even to breathe properly. This is madness, Castiel knows it, but right now, his head isn’t thinking about anything that isn’t Dean and how good is to finally kiss him.

Castiel’s heart is beating out of time with heavy beats that feel as if his heart wanted to get out of his chest. He runs his fingers through Dean’s short hair in desperate movements. Dean is real, Dean is there and they are kissing. Dean is even tracing down Castiel with his hands, from Castiel’s hair to the small of his back. They haven’t been like this for years, but Castiel wants to have him closer.

“Let’s go to your bedroom,” Castiel mumbles in a kiss.

Dean nods and keeps kissing Castiel. They start to move together, without pulling away for a single moment, through the apartment. It isn’t an easy task, but no one of them wants to stop kissing. They trip over some walls, but still, they don’t part their mouths from each other for a single moment.

They finally make it to Dean’s bedroom and Castiel pushes Dean down onto the mattress, throwing himself with Dean, ending above him. They keep kissing and they start to take each other’s clothes. Dean’s hands are everywhere and Castiel had missed that so much. The feeling of Dean’s hands touching him everywhere in that magnificent way as they kiss while Castiel touches Dean whenever he wants, feeling that warm skin under his.

Castiel takes off Dean’s t-shirt, pulling their mouths away as the t-shirt is being pulling off. The moment he has taken it off, Castiel sees a tattoo on Dean’s skin and he opens his eyes widely at it. A star circled by what it must be a sun. He looks at Dean’s face first, and by Dean’s expression, Castiel knows that it is a sun and a star; what Castiel called Dean. He got inked too. Castiel looks then at the tattoo and his hand touches the inked skin. Dean’s hand comes to hold Castiel’s hand, tangling their fingers together, squeezing it soothingly. Then, Dean leans over Castiel and they kiss again, pressing their naked chests together, almost feeling the beating of their hearts.

They keep taking off the remaining clothes. Soon they are naked; Dean pressed onto the mattress while Castiel is above him. Dean’s hands keep touching everywhere he can reach, in those desperate but soft strokes and Castiel does the same. They are completely naked and it is only skin against skin, feeling their warmth together as they kiss, touch and they rock their bodies together.

Castiel isn’t sure how or when Dean got the lube and a condom, but he presses it against one of Castiel hands and Castiel gets it, all of that without stopping kissing. He puts on the condom and applies the lube without taking away his lips from Dean’s. It feels as if they were kissing for all those years they didn’t. Castiel is sure that it is definitely that. Their kisses are desperate, needy, spirited and passionate. He hates all the years they wasted apart without kissing, without being pressed against each other, feeling nothing more than each other’s warmth and skins.

It doesn’t take him too long to start opening Dean up with his fingers, which makes Dean pull away from the kiss and gasp. “Cas,” Dean moans.

Hearing Dean moaning his name like that it drives Castiel crazy. It has been too long since he heard Dean saying his name like that. As he fingers Dean, opening him up with determination, they look at each other. Dean’s eyes are a blown up pupil with a tiny green circle around it. Those eyes and that beautiful face are telling him so much at the moment, and Castiel thinks Dean looks beyond beautiful right now.

Dean steals him several kisses until he has to pull away to let out a moan. The way Dean trembles and shakes under Castiel every time he touches his prostate and the way Dean fucking moans Castiel’s name, it makes Castiel’s cock twitch and it sends an electrifying pleasure to his limbs.

He pulls his fingers out, making Dean groan. They look at each other and they kiss fervently. Dean’s hands are on Castiel’s hair and on the space between his blades, holding him in place. Castiel cups Dean’s face and then, they trace down Dean’s sides, slowly, taking his time to feel the curves and shapes of Dean’s glorious body.

Dean has already placed his legs around Castiel’s waist, so the blue eyed man doesn’t take more time and he pushes himself inside Dean, feeling the extraordinary heat and tightness of Dean. Castiel lets out an obscene moan of pleasure and relief the deeper he gets. He has wondered how it would be to feel Dean around him, he has dreamed about this more times than he would like to admit, and it is much better than he ever imagined. It doesn’t disappoint him at all. It is more intense and better than what he expected.

When he is fully settled in, Castiel closes his eyes and gasps. He can feel Dean’s chest rising up and down quickly. One of his hands caresses Castiel’s face in an extremely sweet way. When Castiel opens his eyes, he can see that Dean is looking at him with all the love he has in his heart. They kiss again, this time slowly and sweetly. They pull away with a sloppy sound and they look at each other again. It feels too good to be buried in Dean’s heat.

Dean starts to rock his hips slightly, asking Castiel to fuck him, and Castiel starts to rock his, fucking Dean with needy but sweet thrusts. The sounds Dean is making and how he is arching his back and shaking beneath him could make Castiel come. Dean grinds into him, desperate to feel him closer and deeper. “Cas— Cas— Cas—” Dean moans over and over again, sounding so rapt and making Castiel’s name sound extremely delicious. “Cas—”

“Dean—” Castiel moans when Dean clenches around him. For a moment Castiel loses the strength in his arms and they start to tremble. It has been years since the last time he had sex and his body is out of shape for that. But Dean’s hands caress his arms, tracing the shape of the muscles hidden under the skin, holding Castiel as Dean looks at him as if he was the most extraordinary person in the whole universe. “Dean—” he gasps and moans when he thrusts into Dean again, this time a bit harder. Dean responses with a half moan, half groan and nails digging into Castiel’s skin, clenching so tightly around him.

They rest their foreheads together, seeing each other reflected in their eyes. Dean’s legs tighten around Castiel’s waist, pushing him deeper. Castiel keeps fucking Dean with steady thrusts, changing from sweetness to hardness, never hurting Dean, only giving pleasure to both of them.

How many times has Castiel dreamt about this? Countless. And no one of them was as good as this. Feeling Dean under him, making those faces, letting out all those sounds, squirming under Castiel, feeling Dean’s heat and warmth, not only around his cock, but also everywhere. The touch of Dean’s hands, restless and curious, never stopping, caressing Castiel in that too wonderful way. Castiel lets out an extremely loud moan and his whole body shakes. He doesn’t know where Dean’s body ends and where his starts, and he doesn’t care.

They kiss again, dirty, needy, desperate and fiercely. They can’t keep their mouths separated from each other. Castiel’s hips start to go faster, colliding with Dean’s. He can feel Dean’s cock twitching and bumping on his stomach with every thrust he makes. So Castiel moves both of his hands from Dean’s shoulders, one going to run through Dean’s hair while the other goes directly to Dean’s cock. He grabs his cock and he starts to caress it, feeling how Dean fucks into his hand and into Castiel’s cock.

Dean keeps moaning Castiel’s name; this time faster and more desperate. And Castiel is doing the same with Dean’s name. It is all gasps, moans and groans with kisses and fucking. It is hard to believe that they have waited almost sixteen years to feel this, to be this close, to be like this. With that thought, Castiel closes his eyes fiercely and fucks Dean harder, making Dean’s thighs tremble.

It doesn’t take too long for Dean to come and Castiel follows him when Dean clenches more than before after coming. The sound Castiel lets is almost as loud as the one Dean just made. He falls onto Dean, burying his face in Dean’s neck, breathing heavily against the sweaty freckled skin. Dean is as exhausted as him; his chest goes up and down really fast and he seems to be craving for air.

With one last effort, Castiel pulls away from Dean, who grunts and Castiel could swear he whines, but he isn’t too sure. He pulls off the condom and throws it away, not knowing where it ends exactly. He drops himself onto Dean, feeling the boiling heat of his body. Dean’s hands come immediately to rest on Castiel; one combing Castiel’s hair and the other stroking the space in between his blades.

It feels too good to be like that, with Dean under his body, both of them pressed together, trying to recover their breathes, with Dean’s arms around him, as if Dean wanted to protect him or to make him stay.

Castiel is too tired and it isn’t a surprise that he is starting to fall asleep. As slumber reaches him, he knows that having sex with Dean has been a terrible mistake.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the comments, the bookmarks and the subscriptions :)

Dean wasn’t expecting anything of what happened last night. He wasn’t expecting to say the things he said and much less that Cas would kiss him and that they would end up in bed. Dean wasn’t expecting the awesome sex he had with Cas, which was more awesome than he had ever imagined. The pleasure was high, the feelings were intense, the kisses were perfect, the way Cas fucked him and touched him, the way they looked at each other… It was indescribable. Dean hadn’t felt that great in years.

Cas fell asleep almost immediately and Dean stayed caressing Castiel until he fell asleep, which wasn’t too long after slumber reached Cas. And Dean fell asleep in his bed extremely happy and with the person he most loved for the first time in his life. He couldn’t believe it.

When Dean wakes up, he doesn’t open his eyes and he rolls onto his side instead, searching with his hand for Castiel, so he can hold him with his arms. But that side of the bed is empty, so Dean opens his eyes slightly and he finds Cas, sitting on the edge of that side, wearing his t-shirt and his boxers as he puts on his socks.

“Cas,” Dean mumbles sleepy and propping on his elbow. He sees Castiel going tense and stopping. “What are you doing?”

“Getting dressed,” Castiel answers. His voice is cold and distant and Dean doesn’t like the sound of it.

Dean frowns confused. “Why?”

Castiel turns his face and looks at Dean. His eyes are as cold as ice and Dean doesn’t like that either. There isn’t the expression he saw last night anymore. “Because I’m leaving,” he starts to say. He stands up and walks towards his jeans, which are on the floor. “Last night shouldn’t have happened. It was a mistake.”

Dean could swear that he just heard the sound of his own heart breaking into million pieces. A sudden pain running along with a painful cold fills his chest, spreading into him quickly and painfully. Cas can’t be serious. He can’t. Dean’s eyes are starting to get glassy. But Cas is still getting dressed and it seems that he is serious. So Dean pulls away the sheets, revealing his nakedness, making Castiel look away.

“It was a mistake?” Dean asks hurt. He knows that Castiel won’t look at him unless he puts on something, he isn’t even moving right now for fuck’s sake. So Dean grabs some underwear and puts it on and then he puts on his t-shirt and some pajama’s pants, his actions showing his frustration. “Just look at my eyes and tell me it was a mistake,” he demands walking towards Castiel.

Castiel looks into his eyes without any doubt and he speaks, “It was a mistake.”

It hurts. It really hurts. Dean knows that Castiel is unable to lie when he looks at his eyes. Castiel moves away and puts on his sweater while Dean stays still, trying to process Castiel’s words, hoping that this is a bad dream he can wake up from. “I don’t understand,” Dean whispers.

Castiel inhales sharply and when Dean looks at him, a tear is falling down from his eye. Then he chuckles in an acid and painful way. “I didn’t understand either.” He puts on his shoes and he starts to walk away from Dean’s bedroom.

Dean follows him. Castiel is walking really fast, so Dean walks faster and he reaches Castiel when he is passing next to the kitchen. He grabs his wrist, making Castiel turn around and face him. He is trying to understand why Cas is saying all of that, he needs an explanation, because the more he tries to figure it out, the more confused he feels. 

“Do you think you can leave me like this without any explanation at all?” Dean asks, his voice full of pain and hurt.

“You did the same back then, didn’t you?” he says with a really heartbreaking voice. Tears are falling from his eyes, wiping his angel face. And it feels as Dean was being burned alive.

Dean grunts and puffs, wanting so bad to sob, but he doesn’t. “Then, why did you kiss me? Why did you fuck me? Why did anything of that happened last night?” He hates how weak and hurt his voice sounds, but he isn’t going to do anything to suppress it. Castiel shakes his head and avoids Dean’s eyes. He could get away from Dean’s grip, but he isn’t and Dean doesn’t understand why. “You could have stopped at any time, you could have gone away, but you stayed, you kissed me and you fucked me! Why?!”

“Because I was weak!” he yells angrily, frustrated and hurt. Dean looks at him confused. “You told me all those things and I wasn’t thinking when I kissed and much less when we went to your bedroom! I just wanted to, I wanted to kiss you, to fuck you and I let myself do it when I shouldn’t have!” More tears spill out. Castiel clenches his teeth and inhales sharply. Dean is still confused. “Of course you don’t understand,” he says breathy. “You never do.”

“Of course I don’t fucking understand it, Cas!” he snaps angrily. “Last night wasn’t just a fucking one night stand and you know it! It was much more than simply sex and you know it! So don’t go telling me that it was like some kind of irresistible temptation!”

“Of course it wasn’t like that!”

“Then what?!”

Castiel pulls his hand away from Dean’s grip furiously. “It was what I have been dreaming of for years!” The anger and pain in his voice are strong and the painful glare in his eyes could burn Dean if it was possible, but he is still crying.

“So why is it a mistake?” he asks, calmer this time, but the pain isn’t gone, and neither his tears are.

“Because when I look at you, and all I see, it’s the boy who broke my heart.”

Dean’s broken heart breaks again, this time harder and it hurts more. “Cas—”

“No,” Castiel snaps as he closes his eyes. More tears appear, falling down his eyelids. He takes a deep breath. “Don’t say a word.” Now he opens his eyes, rage and pain filling that blue sea. “You don’t have any idea how hard it was for me when you left.”

“And do you think it was easy for me?!” He can’t believe that Cas still thinks that it didn’t hurt Dean leaving Cas behind.

“You were the one who left!” he snaps really angry. “And without any explanation at all! You could have at least told me! But instead you just left me that fucking letter! You didn’t even have the guts to say it to my face!”

“Because I couldn’t stand the idea of seeing how I broke your heart!”

Castiel lets out an ironic and painful laugh. “But you were damn okay with breaking it anyways, right?! You just didn’t want to see it!”

Dean clenches his jaw. How can Cas think that Dean was okay with breaking his heart? Dean makes a furious face and he speaks. “You are gonna know why I left,” he starts to say fiercely.

“I don’t want to! It’s too late for that!”

“Why don’t you listen to me for the first fucking time in your life?!” He knows he has yelled louder and angrier than he should, but he doesn’t care. He wants Cas to know, to understand, and he is too tired of Cas closing the door in front of him every time Dean wants him to understand. Cas needs and deserves to know.

Castiel doesn’t say anything and he just presses his lips into a thin line, glaring with all his rage at Dean. It seems that he will listen to Dean, so Dean starts to explain.

 

_____

 

_April 1999_

 

Dean came back from another date with Castiel. Another wonderful night having dinner and an awesome make out session in that alley, giving each other awesome blowjobs. Then, they simply walked, holding hands through town and they stayed in a park, sitting on a bench, talking and kissing. That was the great thing about being with Cas; it didn’t matter what they did; everything felt awesome. Dean smiled as he walked back home after leaving Castiel in his house, thinking about Cas and his smile. He loved him so much.

The moment Dean got into the house, he was surprised that all the lights were off and the only dim light came from the living room, where the TV was on, but it seemed that no one was there. He stepped into the living room, expecting Sammy on the couch, asleep, but Sammy wasn’t there.

Suddenly, someone punched Dean’s temple and Dean fell onto the floor. The punch was followed by several kicks to Dean’s stomach and Dean could see his aggressor. It was John.

Dean tried to stand up, to fight back, but his father was beating the shit out of him, kicking him in specific places, in order to keep him on the floor, without fighting back. It kept being like that until John ducked and grabbed Dean by the flaps of his leather jacket, raising him from the floor and carrying him against a wall with a surprising facility. John smashed Dean against the closest wall. Dean tried to kick his father, to get away from his grip, but his old man knew how to pin down his son.

But Dean kept trying, without any succeed, but he kept trying, until John kicked Dean’s stomach with his knee. Dean grunted. When John was drunk he wasn’t this strong, so he had to be sober, which was worse, because it meant that Dean had done something terrible and John was going to teach him a painful lesson.

Dean’s eyes suddenly went to the corner of the living room, where Sam was sitting. He was tied up with duct tape around his chest and his legs, avoiding him to move. He also had duct tape covering his mouth, so he couldn’t say a word. Sam was also trying to get away from that, but it was impossible.

“What the hell have you done to him?!” Dean asked furiously.

“It was necessary. He always gets in the way when I have to teach you a lesson,” John answered really calm and angry.

“This is what you call a lesson? Tying up Sam and beating me?” It earned Dean a punch on his nose. Blood started to fall down his nose immediately and Dean knew that if his father wasn’t holding him against the wall, he would have fallen onto the floor.

“Shut up your filthy mouth, you faggot,” John hissed with all the hate he had. Dean looked at him shocked. “Oh yeah.” John smiled in a terrifying way and the grip on Dean got tighter, lifting him up from the floor a little. “I know what you’ve been doing with that kid. You thought I wasn’t gonna find it out? You couldn’t be more wrong, son.”

“What are you talking about?” Dean tried to unknown what his father already knew, but it was a failed attempt. John punched Dean’s ribs and Dean felt how a few of them broke. He let out a painful howl.

“Don’t play with me, son! I saw you two kissing! And God knows what else you two have been doing! It’s disgusting! I can’t believe my own son is a fucking faggot!”

Dean grunted and with his head he hit John’s. He got away from his grip, making John wobble. “Shut up!” He felt as if his blood was burning with rage.

John punched Dean’s jaw as hard as he could and Dean almost passed out. The pain was so intense. For a moment he didn’t realize what was happening until John grabbed him again and started punching his thorax. He always tried to keep his punches and kicks whenever Dean’s clothes could hide it. He didn’t want anyone to see the bruises and the wounds he did to Dean.

“I’m so disappointed, Dean!” John exclaimed as he kept punching Dean. In the distance, Dean could hear the muffled cries of Sam, struggling with the duct tape. “Mary would be so disappointed too!” There was another punch. “My son is a fucking cocksucker! That’s why you are with him?! Because you like to suck his cock?! Because that fucking faggot has a nice cock?!”

Dean, with the last strength he had, he punched his father’s nose, feeling how it broke. “Don’t you dare to talk about Cas like that!” Dean yelled more furious than in his whole life. “I love him! He loves me!” John grabbed Dean and smashed him against the table. The sound was louder than Dean expected and so it was the pain. Some small pieces of glass were stuck on Dean’s skin.

“It’s not love, son!” John yelled grabbing Dean again. Dean’s head was hurting and he was feeling dizzy. He felt how John pressed him against the wall, separating his feet from the floor. “We are gonna leave this town in a month and you are gonna leave that fucking faggot behind,” he muttered. His eyes were set on fire.

“What if I don’t?” Dean challenged.

John smirked in a creepy way. “If I can do this to my own son, just think about what I’m capable of doing to that faggot.” With that, Dean opened his eyes widely. He knew what his father was capable of. Dean would rather be beaten every night instead of letting his father lay a single finger on Castiel. “I could tell his family what he is up to for starters,” John kept saying, smirking evilly. He knew that Dean was terrified by the idea of John hurting Castiel. “And then, I could break his legs so he wouldn’t be able to walk again. Or destroy that face of his. How about breaking his fingers with a hammer?”

“You are a fucking psycho!”

“And you are fucking sick for being a faggot!” he snapped. Dean would have hit his father again, but there wasn’t any strength left in his being. “You still have time to change, son,” John added, he sounded hopeful this time. “You are gonna leave him in a month and you are gonna forget about him. Because if you don’t, I will hurt him in imaginable ways so you can stop being a fucking faggot. And I will make you watch.”

“Why are you giving me a month instead of making me leave him already?” He didn’t trust his father. If he hated so much that Dean was with Cas, why was he giving him a month?

“To show you my mercy.” Dean wanted to laugh at that. “A month is more than long enough to make that boy you suck his cock forget you. If you just left him now, it would only get things worse, and no one of us wants that, right?”

Dean wanted to do something, to say something, but he couldn’t. He was too scared. He didn’t care about his life, but he cared about Castiel’s. He knew that John could do all the things he just said and more. And Dean didn’t want to see his father hurting Cas. He couldn’t leave with the idea of knowing that he could have avoided Castiel’s pain and knowing he was responsible of the damage his father could do to Cas.

“So now, start being a fucking real man and forget about your fucking sick Castiel,” John said with a last punch going directly to Dean’s jaw. John released Dean, who fell onto the floor.

Dean heard his father walking away and then, he started to cry. He didn’t want to leave the best thing that happened in his life, but if he didn’t, John would go after Cas and Dean couldn’t let that happen. It was better if he just left Cas; he would be safe. But how was Dean going to do that? How was he going to be able to break Castiel’s heart and his own?

 

_____

 

Castiel and Dean are in silence after Dean has told the story. Dean’s eyes are all covered with tears. “If he could do that to his own sons, what would have he done to you, Cas?” Dean asks with a heartbreaking voice. “The idea of my father hurting you in ways no one could imagine—” He takes a needy breathe. “I couldn’t let that happen.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Castiel asks sobbing. “I could have done anything, Dean.”

“Like what?” He makes an acid chuckle. “We were just teenagers, Cas. Don’t you think I tried to make a plan? I wanted to run away with you and with Sammy and start a new life, but— we couldn’t.” He tried to find a way, he went to bed every night thinking how he could get away from that. But they were just kids and the world wasn’t going to help them. They still had a lot to grow up and they couldn’t do anything yet. “We were just some kids, do you think any of that would have worked out?”

“But you could have told me, Dean!” he exclaims angrily and frustrated. “All that time your father was beating you and I didn’t know! We were together, Dean! It is supposed that when two persons are together they tell everything to each other!” He places his hands on his head and runs his fingers through his hair in a desperate way. “If you just—” He pulls his hands away from his hair and shakes his head. “If you just told me, all this pain we went through wouldn’t have existed.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Dean is about to grab Castiel’s shoulder, but Castiel pulls away.

“It’s too late for your apologies, Dean,” he snaps upset.

Dean frowns confused. “Cas what—”

“You left without telling me the truth and for fifteen years I tried to understand why you left. I couldn’t imagine the real reason,” he starts to say in between chocked sobs. “I spent fifteen years replaying in my mind everything we did, analyzing every single moment we spent together, trying to find out when I fucked it up.” His voice is really heartbreaking and it hurts Dean more than the beating his father gave him that night. “All those years without you, I was convinced that it was my fault; that you left because I did something wrong. Something that made you left.”

“Cas—”

“Dean,” he snaps frustrated. “You didn’t trust me.”

“I trusted you!”

“Then why you didn’t tell about what that monster you had for a father did to you?! Why didn’t you tell me about his abuses?! Why didn’t you tell me why you left?! You have waited more than fifteen years to tell me!”

“I was trying to protect you!”

“You were the one who needed to be protected!” At that realization, Dean opens his eyes widely and feels a sudden cold. “You should have counted with me, you should have told me, but instead, you pulled me away, and with that, you pulled me away completely out of your life.” Castiel cries with a hurt voice. “We were supposed to get through anything together!”

“I know,” he admits looking down.

“Yeah. You know now.” He chuckles painfully and rubs his eyes, trying to wipe off his tears, but more keep being spilled out. “You tell me the reasons, and I still wonder, why didn’t you write me once? You could have explained this to me years ago.”

“I didn’t want you to wait for me,” Dean says. He sees in Castiel’s face how his heart breaks. “Because I knew, that one day, you will get tired of waiting for me and—”

Castiel interrupts him, “I would have waited an eternity if you just explained me—”

“You needed someone worth, someone you deserved,” Dean interrupts.

“I needed you!” He cries out. “You could have told me! You could have written! But no! You didn’t do anything of that! And last night you were so shocked when I questioned you if you ever loved me! Your actions say otherwise!”

“I made a mistake, okay?!” Dean snaps furious. Why can’t Cas understand? “Cas, I loved you. And I love you.” With that, Castiel closes his eyes and cries more, Dean can see that Cas has clenched his fists and they are trembling. “I should have told you! I should have written you! But I was too fucking scared of the idea of my father hurting you! And once he died, it was too late to come back to you and explain it to you!” Dean keeps yelling. “I couldn’t just appear in your front door and expect to be forgiven!”

“But you are expecting it now, aren’t you?”

Dean closes his eyes and sighs. “Yes.” He nods. If there’s some remaining of the love Castiel felt for Dean, he hopes that Cas can forgive him and get back together.

“I can’t, Dean. I can’t,” Castiel says sounding so hurt. Dean’s heart breaks again. How many times is his heart going to break during this morning? “I can’t trust you again. You can’t expect me to hear all of this and pretend that everything is fine, that those fifteen years never existed. I can’t. And I can’t fully believe you when you tell me that you love me.”

Dean’s eyes open as wide as possible. They smart from the tears. “Cas—” He needs to show him that he loves him, that he isn’t lying. “You saw the tattoo—”

“I know.” His voice is just a whisper. “A sun and a star. That’s what I called you.”

“Yeah. I never stopped loving you, and that tattoo is a proof.” He walks towards Cas and places his hands on Castiel’s face, cupping it. Castiel pulls them away as he shakes his head. “I love you, Cas. You know that they aren’t simple words, you know that I mean every single one of them.”

“Dean— I can’t.” He takes a step behind, pulling away.

“Why?” He can’t let Cas to get away from his life again. Dean can’t live with that. He doesn’t want another fifteen years without him. “Why can’t we start again?”

“Because I know you will break my heart again and I know I won’t be able to recover from that,” he answers crying. His blue eyes are screaming how much it hurts. “I gave you my heart, Dean, I trusted you not to break it, and you broke it anyways.” The more he talks, the more painful he sounds. Dean wishes he could take all that pain away and make Castiel feel better. “You can’t expect me to give you my heart again. I’m not making the same mistake again. Because this time, if you break my heart again, I know there won’t be any recover,” he adds sobbing. “Damn it, I haven’t even recovered from the first time yet.”

“What do you mean?”

“That I never stopped loving you either,” he recognizes ashamed. Dean’s heart skips a beat. “Do you know why I have my tattoo?”

“Because I called you angel.”

Castiel nods. “And because it is a reminder of you. Of the happiness I felt once and I’m never going to feel again.” Again, Dean’s heart breaks. He isn’t sure how he is still standing. His legs are starting to tremble and he is about to fall apart. “It is a reminder of the pain that can be felt when you love someone. And I don’t want any more pain, Dean. I’m tired of pretending that everything is okay in between us. I’m tired of thinking how wonderful our lives would have been if you just stayed, or in this case, if you just told me the truth.”

“We can still have that life, Cas. Don’t— please— I lost you once, I don’t want to lose you again,” he begs desperate. He can’t go through that again. It is so hard and painful. “There isn’t a single day when I don’t regret what I did to you.” He walks a step towards Cas, but Cas takes a step backwards. “I can’t lose you again.”

“You lost me a long time ago, Dean,” Castiel whispers as he goes towards where his trench coat is. Dean can’t walk. His legs aren’t responding him, he wants to move them, to walk towards Cas, but he can’t. “And I lost you a long time ago,” he adds giving Dean a sad look.

“Then why did you decide to see me again? Why did you kiss me last night?”

“I thought things could be right in between us if we became friends, but I was wrong.” He takes a needy deep breath. “I’m always wrong when it comes to you, Dean.” Those words feel as if someone just ripped out Dean’s heart. “And the kiss— what happened last night—” He takes a deep breath and looks away from Dean. He shakes his head and look at Dean again when he decides to speak, “I guess that my broken heart played it on me.” He walks towards the door. “It’s better if we don’t see each other again.”

“No. No. Cas, don’t—” Dean begs. He wants to walk towards him, but it feels as if heavy stones were glued to his feet, avoiding him to move and his legs feel as if they were made of jelly.

“It’s better this way.”

“You don’t believe that!” Dean is so desperate. Everything is falling apart and he isn’t doing a thing about it. He doesn’t know what to do, what to say. His heart is wounded and his body isn’t responding. It feels as if he was falling piece by piece and he wasn’t able to avoid it.

“Maybe not,” Castiel starts to say. “But all I know it’s that one way or another, I end up hurt because of you. And I’m tired of loving you and feeling pain. I’m tired of looking at you and wishing that things were better. I’m tired of looking back at the past and hoping I could find a way to change things. I’m tired of wanting to change those fifteen years. We have tried to make things good in between us, and it seemed to work but—” He takes a deep breath followed by a sob. “There are wounds that can’t be healed. It doesn’t matter how many ‘I love you’s or how many ‘I’m sorry’s you say, I can’t trust you again, I can’t let myself love you again.”

“Cas—”

Castiel closes his eyes, letting out more tears. He shivers when he takes a deep breath. “And you know what the worst thing about this is? That I’m the one who looks like a heartless dick,” he says, voice breaking into a sob. Dean sighs and looks down. “I want you to understand that I get why you left, but what I don’t get is that you didn’t tell me. That you never tried to tell me. That you would rather make me believe that I was the one who fucked things up and destroy everything we had than trusting me and finding a way to help you. To help us.” Dean looks at him and he sees Castiel’s glassy eyes, unable to stop the tears. “I can’t let myself burn into your love, Dean. Not anymore.”

“Is there anything I can do to at least keep you in my life?” he asks. He just wants Cas. He doesn’t care if as a friend, as his boyfriend or whatever. Dean needs Cas in his life, and he knows that this is the end and it doesn’t matter what he does or say; he is losing Cas again. It is happening, but Dean doesn’t want to. It hurts too much that it is unbearable.

“I don’t think so,” Castiel says opening the door. He gives Dean the most devastated sight. “Goodbye, Dean.” And he closes the door behind him.

Dean just falls onto his knees and cries like he hasn’t done in years.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the comments, the bookmarks and the subscriptions :)

The weak Sunday’s sunlight leaks through the windows. It is a cloudy day and the sun isn’t shinning as brightly as always. And Dean doesn’t care. He is lying on the couch, covered with a warm blanket. The TV is off and he is staring at the black screen without interest. He doesn’t feel like doing anything. He just wants to sleep and wake up when another fifteen years have passed by at last. Maybe if he sleeps for that long, he will be able to forget everything and the pain in his heart will fade away. But he knows that won’t work.

Dean is really hurt right now. Part of him knows that he must keep carrying on, or try to do something to win Castiel’s trust and love back, but part of him knows that it is useless. Dean isn’t feeling well at the moment, and it is going to take him time until his poor broken heart starts to heal slowly. He feels so small and insignificant, so hurt and weak that he can’t do anything. He is well aware of how pathetic he is, but he doesn’t care right now. What’s one more load of crap and pain to carry in his being?

He can’t stop remembering how great it felt to kiss Cas after so many years, how it feel to touch him, to feel his body all over his, how it felt when Cas fucked him, how they looked at each other, how Cas fell asleep in his arms… Dean had wanted that for so long, he never expected such thing was ever going to happen, but it did, and it was better than anything Dean could have imagined. Everything was perfect that night.

And then, morning came and everything was fucked up and everything fell apart, destroying Dean’s and Castiel’s hearts one more time. Dean hoped that maybe, this time, he and Castiel would be able to get back together after what happened. But Dean couldn’t be more wrong.

“Dean?” A familiar voice asks quite close to Dean, who turns his face to look at the door, where Sam is standing. Dean was hoping that it could be Cas. He should stop being this stupid. “Are you okay?” Sam asks as he approaches the couch.

“No,” Dean answers with a sigh.

“What happened with Cas?”

Dean hasn’t mentioned Sam anything about Cas, but his little brother knows by just looking at him. Sam has always been too fucking smart. Dean wishes he could be as smart as Sam, especially in the emotional field.

“It’s over,” Dean simply says.

Sam sits on one of the armrests of the couch, the one closest to Dean’s feet. He looks at his older brother with painful eyes. “Tell me about it.”

Dean starts to tell him everything that happened once he and Castiel finished watching _Forrest Gump_. The things they said, the things they did (avoiding the sexual details, of course), and the things that were said when they woke up. Sam listens to all of it without saying a word, paying attention to every single small thing that Dean tells.

When Dean finishes, Sam takes a deep breath and rubs his face frustrated. “Holy shit,” Sam breathes out. He makes a frustrated grimace too.

“Yeah,” Dean whispers and he looks away from Sam’s worried, sad eyes.

“And now, what are you gonna do?”

Dean looks at his brother with a bewildered scowl. “Now?” he asks a bit irritated. Sam nods. Dean lets out a painful chuckle. “It’s over, Sam. Everything is over.” He wants to cry at that. His eyes are starting to burn and get glassy.

“I don’t think you truly believe that, Dean.” Sam makes a soothing, tiny smile and Dean wants to laugh painfully at that. “I know you, Dean, better than you think, and I know that you don’t want to lose the best thing that ever happened in your life.” He sounds so confident as he talks. Dean looks away from Sam; he can’t meet his eyes now. “You spent fifteen years of your life pretending that you could forget him, that you did, but we all know that you could never forget him, Dean. He was present in your life every single day. You tried to move on, but you couldn’t.”

“Sam, I’m not in the mood for this conversation,” he hisses with a heartbreaking voice.

“You are never in the mood for it!” he snaps a bit angrily. Dean looks at him with his eyes full of tears, but not spilling out any. Sam sighs. “That has always been your problem Dean, that you never want to talk about it.” He inhales sharply and looks down, making a sad grimace. When he is about to keep talking, he looks at Dean again. “Dean, I’ve seen during fifteen years that you never forgot Cas. You tried to look fine, but you were never fine, and the worst of all was that you seemed more than okay by it. You got used to feel like shit, and then, Cas appeared in your life again, and you started to be happier than you were during all those years. You still were aching, but—” He makes a proud and happy smile, although there’s some bitterness in it. “But your smile was genuine all the time.”

Dean feels his heart aching again. Memories and words can hurt more than people think. They aren’t physical, but the pain they can induce feels more real and physical than so many things.

“You love him, and he loves you,” Sam keeps saying. Dean closes his eyes at that affirmation, clenching his jaw, as if with that, everything was going to hurt less. “Things are screwed up in between you two. There have been a lot of shit in between you two, I know. But I think that you can find a way to gain his trust and love again, Dean. You just need to figure it out.”

Dean opens his eyes and sighs. “I don’t think I can do anything to have him back, Sammy. He left it so clear that he didn’t want to see me again, that he couldn’t love me again.”

“He’s hurt, Dean. He has spent fifteen years believing that you left because he did something wrong, that he was the one who made things to fall apart.” Sam starts to explain with a calmed voice. “You didn’t even say goodbye to him, you just wrote a letter without explaining him a thing. He trusted you to tell him everything so you two could go through things together, but you didn’t. Because you were protecting him. Your act was noble, Dean, but you should have told him, to let him understand. That’s what hurts Cas. That you didn’t trust him, that you chose going away before dealing things together.”

Dean rubs his face and grunts. “I hate that you are so fucking intelligent when it comes to those things and I’m so dumb.” He sits on the couch, pressing his knees to his chest and embracing his legs. Sam takes the opportunity to sit on the other end of the couch.

Sam chuckles. “You aren’t dumb, Dean. It’s only that it takes you more time to understand things that involve feelings and all that stuff.”

“Yeah,” he says with an agreement face. He runs one hand through his hair, messing it. “You do know that I left him because I didn’t want dad to hurt him, right?”

“I know, Dean. I don’t blame you. I would have done the same. Who knows what he would have done to Cas? He could do to you horrible things, and you were his son.” Sam exhales sharply and he looks down at his lap. “I was terrified too. But we couldn’t do anything. We were just kids and we didn’t have much. We didn’t have anyone or anything so—” He makes a sad grimace. “But you had Cas,” he says looking at Dean with a sympathetic smile.

“I had Cas. I shouldn’t have forgotten that.” Dean nods and presses his forehead on his knees. He takes a long deep breath. “I just wanted him to be fine, and I knew that if I ever told him about dad, Cas would do something and dad would hurt him, and I couldn’t let that happen. I was so worried on protecting Cas, that I wasn’t able to see that without telling him, I was hurting him even more.”

There’s a small silence in between the brothers. “Dean,” Sam says and Dean looks at him. “You should fight for him. It isn’t too late. Don’t wait fifteen years again. Don’t you dare to do that again.”

Dean makes a shy but grateful smile. “I won’t,” he says. Sam makes a surprised face. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but— I’m gonna do something,” he admits. Sam seems really glad about it. “I just hope that I don’t end up hurting him even more with it.”

“I don’t think it will.”

“Maybe. But if it does, I won’t do anything more. We don’t need to get our hearts broken once again.” Dean wants to have Castiel back, but if this thing he is going to do, which he isn’t sure what it is going to do yet, ends up hurting Castiel, he won’t fight for him again. There has been already too much pain.

This is their last chance, Dean knows it. And it can end up with both of them together or never seeing each other ever again. This time, there isn’t a thing in between both options. But Dean is going to do whatever he can to get Castiel’s love and trust again.

 

***

 

The wonderful smell of hot chocolate gets into Castiel’s nose when he gets the mug out of the microwave. The mug is really hot, so he grabs it carefully and he adds a marshmallow into it. The day is cold and he isn’t feeling well either. Hot chocolate is a wise decision in moments like this.

Again, Castiel starts to cry. He has been like that since he arrived to his apartment yesterday. He cries all of sudden, without anticipating it. Sometimes he stops, but after a while, he cries again, like now. He grunts and wipes the tears with the sleeves of his sweater. He takes a deep breath and looks up at the ceiling, hoping that the crying will stop. His eyes are sore from crying too much; if he keeps doing this, he is sure that all the water in his body will disappear.

But he manages to calm himself down. He grabs the hot mug and walks towards his couch, where a blanket is waiting for him to warm him up. He covers himself as much as he can and he takes a long sip of the delicious hot chocolate, feeling how its warmth caresses his mouth and his throat sweetly.

Castiel knows he needs to get over this, he can’t be like this, he has to work tomorrow at the university and he has a life he has to keep going, he can’t let this incident with Dean affect him this much. But he is going to need his time. And he bets that Dean is going to need so.

Finding out the real reason of why Dean left took Castiel by surprise, he wasn’t expecting that. He knew that John Winchester wasn’t the father of the year, but he wasn’t expecting him to do the things he did to his kids. Castiel understands that what Dean did was in order to protect him, but he should have let Castiel know. They could have done anything, like calling the police or anything. If Castiel had known, he would have saved all the pain Dean and Sam went through with that monster they had for father. Castiel would have done everything to save them from John Winchester. Only if Dean had told him… It hurts to know that all the pain the three of them went through wouldn’t exist if Castiel had been aware of it.

But Dean didn’t say a word, and okay, it’s understandable, he was afraid of John, but still, Dean could have written him once he left, explaining him everything, and Castiel would have waited for him. Of course he would have waited for Dean, even if Dean doubts it.

But Dean didn’t do any of that. He trashed away fifteen years that they could have spent together, making Castiel believe that he was the one that made Dean leave. Actually, he had to do something with Dean leaving, but not in the way that Castiel thought. What hurts Castiel, is the fact that Dean would rather lie to him, to get hurt by his father instead of letting him know and let him help Dean. It feels as if Dean didn’t trust him enough, as if Dean didn’t want to count with him. And that cost them fifteen years. Fifteen years wasted. It is a long time.

Dean’s act was noble, Castiel is well aware of that. But Dean had him, he could count with him and Castiel would have done whatever that was needed to be done to get Dean and Sam away from their father. What Dean only had to do was to ask him for his help, but he kept everything in secret and he chose to trash away everything they had and bring pain to everyone. He decided to forget, he decided to leave and to keep everything in secret. If Castiel would have known, he would have protected him and helped him, but Dean chose not to count with him and destroy what they had instead.

Castiel closes his eyes and rests his head on the backrest. He loves Dean, he never stopped loving him; he fooled himself and made himself believe that he didn’t love Dean anymore, but he was only hiding it. And it hurts. Loving someone always hurts, but loving Dean Winchester is something dangerously painful.

Of course that Castiel wouldn’t doubt for a single moment to go back to Dean if things weren’t this complicated and broken, but there’s a constant fear inside Castiel that Dean would leave him again if he found a chance. Dean already broke his heart once, why would another time be different? Maybe Castiel’s heart breaks because of a different reason, but it breaks anyways. He gave his heart to Dean and he broke it over and over again. There’s no way Castiel can trust his heart to Dean again. Not ever again.

And yet, it still hurts leaving Dean behind. Castiel knows it is the right choice, because if they went back together, everything would be pain and suffering, and both of them would end up destroyed and devastated. They would have to build so many broken things and they would break themselves in the process. Pain is what they only get when they are together, so why does it still hurt this much? Why there’s an unbearable pain in his being that seems to get more intense instead of fading away progressively?

It might be because he loves Dean and Dean loves him. It might be because Castiel wants to trust him again but he can’t. It might be because it doesn’t matter what he and Dean do, they are always end up fucked up. They always end up hurt one way or another.

But he isn’t sure if he would be able to be with Dean again. Castiel is so tired of trying to get better and only getting worse. He is too tired of hoping and feeling how the terrible reality knocks him out. All Castiel wants is to go back to that night of May, the last night when he and Dean were together, and run away from that town, as far as they could go, running away from all the bad things and getting the life they always wanted.

But it is impossible. It is already too late. Now Castiel isn’t that teenager anymore, he is a grown up adult sitting alone in the loneliness of his apartment, trying to put back together his wounded heart.

He is being selfish, he knows it, but his broken heart can’t stand anymore pain. There’s a chaos of feelings and thoughts inside his being and he doesn’t know what to do or what it’s wrong or right anymore. All he knows is that everything hurts.

He will have to do what he has done for such a long time; keep carrying on with a wounded heart, living with a love that will never happen again, trying to put himself together as best as he can, although he knows he will never be able to achieve that task completely; some broken pieces won’t be able to put back, some of them are already lost and can’t be recovered and scars will be with him forever.

 

***

 

It takes Dean until Thursday to finally find out what he can do in order to make Castiel see that he can trust him again and that he truly loves him. He puts it inside an envelope he will leave in Castiel’s mailbox tomorrow morning, when he knows that Castiel will be already at university. He doesn’t want to run into Cas and he knows that if he leaves the envelope while Cas is at his apartment, he might see Dean, and Dean wants to avoid any kind of bad encounter. Cas said he didn’t want to see Dean again, and Dean is going to respect that and leave the envelope when Cas can’t see him.

Dean writes Castiel’s name on the envelope, which brings him a lot of painful memories. This time it is different, but Dean’s heart hurts as much as that night he wrote the famous farewell letter.

“Do you think that leaving him another letter is a good idea?” Charlie asks with a worried voice. She doesn’t know what Dean has put inside the envelope because Dean wanted it to be intimate and private, that only he and Cas knew what it is really in there. Since she knew what happened in between he and Castiel and she tries to come over Dean’s apartment after she finishes her job to make sure that Dean is doing okay.

“I know it isn’t something that he likes too much, but—” Dean takes a deep breath and looks down at the envelope. “But this way I know he will see it.”

“What if he doesn’t open it?” She sounds devastated by that question, even a bit scared.

Dean already thought about it. The chances of Castiel not opening it are really high. “It’s his choice,” he says as he sits down on one of the kitchen chairs. “I can’t force him into anything. If he doesn’t want to open it because he wants to pull me away completely from his life, I have to accept it.”

“I think he will open it,” Charlie says with a soothing smile. She also sits down on one of the kitchen chairs. Dean looks at her intrigued. “Maybe not immediately, but he will open it.”

“Why do you think so?”

Charlie shrugs and smiles. “He loves you. And he knows you love him. If there was someone of you who didn’t love the other, he wouldn’t open that letter.”

Dean takes a deep breath and makes a tired grimace. “I hope he will.” He looks up, feeling how his eyes are getting glassier. He doesn’t want to cry again, he is too tired of doing that.

“Oh, Dean,” Charlie says approaching Dean so she can hug him. Dean rests his head on his friend’s shoulder, feeling how she calms him. “I promise you that things will get better.”

“I don’t think so, Charlie,” he snaps with an acid chuckle. “Good things never happen. Not in my experience.”

Charlie presses a kiss on Dean’s temple. “Don’t give up, Dean. Life is hard, we all know it, and some of us got it harder than others. But good thing do happen, Dean,” dhe murmurs with a sweet voice that could lull Dean perfectly. “Did you ever expect to see Cas again when you were leaving him in Pontiac?”

“No.” He was sure that he would never see his angel again.

“And fifteen years later, he appears in your life, and things between you two were quite good until last week. You two were happy, weren’t you?” Dean nods as that slightly. “See? Good things happen.”

“But all good things have to come to an end,” he murmurs with a heartbreaking voice.

“And everything bad must come to an end as well.” At that sentence, Dean turns his eyes to look at Charlie, meeting her confident and honest eyes. “Don’t give up, Dean, not yet. Things can change and get better,” she adds with a pretty smile. Dean chuckles and rolls his eyes. “If Joffrey died in _A Storm of Swords_ , then, anything good can happen.”

Dean can’t help bursting into a soft laugh. Charlie joins him, happy to see Dean laughing. Dean has barely smiled or laughed since Saturday, and it feels extremely odd to be laughing at such stupid thing, but he guesses that he needed some small sparkle of happiness. “You are unbelievable,” Dean admits as he pulls his head away from Charlie’s shoulder.

She squeezes her nose in that funny and cute way of her as she smiles. “But it made you laugh. And I’m so proud of it.”

“Thanks, Charlie,” Dean says with a pretty smile. “I’m gonna bake you a pie for this.”

“Aaaaawwwww, you are such a gentleman,” she says hugging him and pressing a quick kiss on Dean’s cheek.

“Shut up.”

Charlie just laughs and caresses Dean’s cheek in a fondly way. “You’ll see that everything will get better. It will take time, but it will.” Then, she stands up. “I should better leave and start making supper, are you sure you are going to be okay?”

“Yes, I will.” He has been worst, he knows it. His heart is still hurt, but Charlie has put him in a better mood and the thing Dean has done for Cas has given him some hope. He shouldn’t give his hopes up; maybe the envelope only gets things worst in between he and Cas, but Dean is a dreamer and a fool, and although he is aware that Cas might not open it, Dean believes that he will do.

“Okay,” she says, walking towards the door. Before she opens it, she turns over to look at Dean. “You aren’t going to daunt and not put that letter into Cas’ mailbox, right?” she asks giving him a warning glare.

“Of course not. I’m definitely leaving him this.”

Charlie smiles proudly. “Good.” She opens the door. “And may the force be with you, Dean Winchester.”

Dean chuckles and shakes his head. Charlie leaves and closes the door. Dean takes a deep breath and looks at the envelope where Castiel’s name is written down. Everything ended up with a letter, and this time it can start over or be end up completely with another letter.

Dean’s heart is beating out of time, wanting to be freed from the chest that locks him in. He is already starting to feel nervous; there’s so much to lose and so much to win. He doesn’t know exactly how things will go in between them once that letter is left into the mailbox. Dean wishes with every fiber of his being that things can be as good as they were or better. Sam said it wasn’t too late to fix things and Charlie said that good things do happen. Dean wants to believe them, but he doesn’t know what will happen.

After dinner, he goes directly to bed and it takes him some hours to finally fall asleep. His mind is creating every possible scenario that can happen once Castiel sees the letter. The more scenarios he recreates, the more nervous he gets. He doesn’t know how he manages to fall asleep, because his mind is on fire, but surprisingly, Dean falls asleep.

Morning arrives sooner than usually, or it feels like it. Dean takes his shower, gets dressed, makes his bed, has breakfast and brushes his teeth. He takes several deep breathes to calm himself down once he has put his leather jacket on. He is more nervous than yesterday, feeling how his heart hammers inside his chest and how his palms are sweating more than ever.

Dean looks at the letter and he spends a few minutes just staring at that envelope with Castiel’s name on it. He inhales sharply and picks it up, saving it in one of the pockets of his leather jacket. Here he goes.

The drive to the building with Castiel’s apartment is really slow. Dean is one of those guys who always drives past the speed limit, but not this morning. He is extremely nervous and he knows that if he doesn’t drive carefully, he might provoke a car accident at last. His heart keeps doing wild things the closer he gets to the familiar building. He is even drumming his fingers on the wheel.

Finally, Dean arrives to the building where Castiel lives. He looks at it and he stays in the Impala’s driver seat for a moment, caressing his legs in order to stop the shaking. He takes more deep breathes; it doesn’t calm him as much as he would like to, but it calms him a little. He takes a desperate deep breath and he gets out of the car, walking towards the door.

He steps into the building and walks towards where the mailboxes of the neighbors of that building are. He searches for the one with Castiel’s name on it and he picks up the letter from the pocket. Once again, he looks at it and he bites his lower lip nervously. Closing his eyes and inhaling as if he wasn’t going to breath for a century, Dean slides the envelope through the groove.

It is done. Now, he will have to wait for whatever Castiel does once he sees it.

And once again, Dean walks away from where Castiel lives, leaving his heart in another mailbox.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the comments, the bookmarks and the subscriptions :)

Castiel rubs his tired eyes. He could finish correcting exams at home, but he doesn’t want to. It is Friday, the day when he used to go to Dean’s apartment and they spent the night, they had dinner and they watched a movie. But that thing is never going to happen again. He knows that if he goes back to his house, Castiel will start to wish that he was at Dean’s apartment, as if nothing happened, but this time, they can’t pretend that things are okay, that nothing hurts, they can’t forget it.

The worst of all is that Castiel’s home doesn’t feel like home anymore. Dean’s apartment started to feel like his real home since several weeks ago. Every time Castiel stepped into Dean’s apartment, he felt warm, safe and nice. When he steps into his own apartment, there isn’t that heartwarming feeling wrapping him softly; there’s coldness and loneliness and he hates it.

He looks at the monitor with an exhausted expression. This week has been too long for him, extremely long. Usually when he went to Dean’s place it was the moment of the week when Castiel could relax and calm down, but now he hasn’t got that anymore. He remembers the way Dean smiled every time he opened the door and saw Cas and—

No. He must stop thinking about that. It would only cause him more pain and his heart has had more than enough pain. He doesn’t need to feel all the time as if he was being constantly stabbed, as if his heart was being ripped apart shred by shred.

“You look terrible,” Balthazar says as he leans his arm on the screen. Next to him is Gadreel, another literature professor, Spanish literature actually, who Castiel has become friends with too. “Are you okay?” he asks worried. Balthazar and Gadreel have noticed Castiel’s unusual behavior during this week, and although Castiel has lied to them and told them that he is fine, even trying to act as if he is fine, his colleges and friends don’t believe him.

“Yes,” Castiel says rubbing his face and making a tired smile. “It has been a long week for me.”

“Then you should definitely join us for dinner,” Gadreel says with a convincing face. “We are going to that pub where you can order delicious things to accompany the drinks.”

“Cassie, they have the best chicken buffalo wings in town!” Balthazar exclaims almost moaning.

Castiel chuckles. “That’s a nice offering, but I still have a lot work to do.” He isn’t in the mood to go to a pub. He doesn’t want to bring down the mood of his friends.

“If you have other plans you can tell us, we won’t get mad,” Gadreel murmurs as polite as always.

“No, I— I don’t have any plans for tonight.” He shouldn’t sound as devastated and nostalgic as he does, but he can’t help it.

“I told you it had to do with that Dean,” Balthazar mutters as he slaps Gadreel’s chest. Castiel looks at Balthazar with a glare that apart from being dreadful, it is also confused. 

Of course that Castiel has mentioned Balthazar and Gadreel a few things about Dean, just the most important ones, like that they were together a long time ago and that Dean left and that they were trying to be friends. But he never mentioned his feelings for Dean.

“Do you think that because you said you were fine you were going to convince us? Cassie, you are a terrible liar,” Balthazar murmurs. Castiel takes a deep breath and shakes his head. He avoids Balthazar’s blue eyes and focuses on the screen. “What happened?”

“Things,” Castiel answers sharply. He doesn’t want to talk about it. It isn’t a topic that he can talk about easily. He knows that if he talks about Dean, his heart will start with that unbearable ache and it will break into million pieces again.

“Cassie, you—”

“Balthazar,” Gadreel interrupts shaply. “He obviously doesn’t want to talk about it, so respect it.” With his eyes, he gives Balthazar a warning glare. Castiel make a grateful smile. “You should join us. I think it will help you to feel a little bit better,” he suggests with a tiny, fond smile. “If he brings the topic again,” he tilts his head to point Balthazar. “Feel free to punch him.”

“Hey!”

Castiel chuckles. “I don’t know.”

“I won’t talk about it, I swear,” Balthazar promises with an honest voice. “I don’t want to piss you off and much less this giant.” He points a Gadreel with his index finger. Gadreel is almost as tall as Sam Winchester and he is the tallest professor in university. “C’mon, just some drinks and some food, it’ll be fun.”

Castiel takes a deep breath. It would make him feel better if he went out and tried to have some good time. Although he knows he won’t enjoy it as much as he would have enjoyed it if he wasn’t thinking all the time about Dean. But a change of air will do him a bit of good.

“Fine,” he says with a surrender face. “I’ll go.”

Balthazar and Gadreel make pleased smiles at that. Castiel isn’t too convinced about the idea, but he needs some rest and try to get his mind away from Dean. He knows going to a pub isn’t going to work out too well, but there’s nothing wrong with giving it a shot.

The pub is really close to the university, so the three men walk towards it. There’s no need to move their cars, so they leave them in the university parking lot. The pub is quite crowded but there are a couple of tables free, so Castiel, Balthazar and Gadreel sit on one of those.

They talk about random things, from their students to politics. It is never mentioned anything involved with Dean during the whole time they are in the pub, and Castiel is really grateful for that. And yet, he can’t forget about Dean. He is sure that Dean would like this pub; sometimes some rock song plays, the food is pretty good and the drinks are quite cheap. Castiel isn’t drinking alcohol; he knows that if he drinks any alcohol, he will start feeling more depressed, and he doesn’t need that.

Castiel leaves first, because he wants to go home. Balthazar and Gadreel try to make him stay longer, but Castiel is quite tired and he wants to try to sleep, so his friends finally say goodbye and Castiel walks away from the pub, walking towards the parking, where his car waits for him.

By this time, he and Dean would be almost finishing watching the movie. Seriously, he needs to stop thinking about Dean and their Friday’s nights together. He can’t be with Dean, he can’t trust him, Dean hurt him, and Castiel is tired of giving his heart to Dean and having it back completely destroyed. He can’t forget all the pain he went through for fifteen years, he can’t forget how difficult it was to partially forget Dean, he can’t forget all those times he blame himself from pulling Dean away from his life, he can’t forget that Dean left without any explanation.

Castiel has tried to forgive Dean, he has really tried, but he can’t. Dean broke his heart and Castiel hasn’t been able to put it back together. And once he thought he was about to, Dean came back to his life and broke his heart apart. Dean can’t pretend that things can be okay after breaking Castiel’s heart. It is like breaking a cup. You can glue it in order to put it back together, but it won’t be the same; there will be cracks and marks forever.

He parks the car in the garage and he goes upstairs, where the mailboxes are; he always checks his in case there might be a letter. To his surprise there’s one letter inside. He grabs it and he sees that his name is written on it. The sender’s name isn’t written on the envelope, but Castiel knows that handwriting. It is a letter from Dean.

“How original,” Castiel mutters to himself.

Castiel grabs the letter and he goes upstairs to his apartment. The moment he gets inside, the coldness and loneliness of it caresses in a not too friendly way. And he hates it. He should feel like home, after all, this is his home, but it doesn’t feel like home anymore.

Once he switches on the lights, he takes off his trench coat and grabs the letter. He walks towards the couch and he sits down on it. He takes a deep breath as he touches the envelope. He isn’t sure, but it feels as if there was something else apart from a folded sheet.

Still, Castiel leaves the envelope on the coffee table and he stares at it. He rests his chin on his intertwined hands. He plays with his lower lip, chewing it, as he always does when he is unsure or nervous. That envelope only has his name written on it, but it feels as if it had eyes, Dean’s eyes, and they were staring him.

He can’t open it. If he opens it, he might want to see Dean, and he can’t do that. He can’t trust Dean. He doesn’t know why Dean left him that letter, but the last time Dean left him a letter in his mailbox, the pain was insufferable. Why would this time be different? Dean told him that first time that he was leaving despite of loving him. Dean said last week that he loved him, so this letter must be a farewell too. And Castiel doesn’t need to read another goodbye from that man he loves too much.

Castiel takes a deep breath and rubs his face. He isn’t going to open that letter. It will cause him more pain. Or maybe it will bring him back to Dean’s arms and there’s no way he is going to make that same mistake. Why everything involving Dean has to be this messy and complicated? It has to be a complete chaos of feelings, doubts and pain that makes Castiel wonder what the right choice is. It doesn’t matter which choice he makes, which path he takes, he always ends up hurt.

It should be better if he just got rid of the letter. It is the best idea. So Castiel stands up and picks up the letter, walking to the kitchen where the garbage can is. He moves his arm to let the letter fall into it, but his fingers don’t want to let the letter go. And Castiel doesn’t want to either. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. It is just a letter; it shouldn’t be this difficult to trash it away. But it is.

“Damn it,” Castiel mutters to himself again. He walks away from the kitchen and he decides to leave the letter on the coffee table. He isn’t going to open it now, he isn’t sure if he is ever going to open it, but he knows that right now, he can’t trash it away.

He should hide it, but he doesn’t want to. He will leave it there for now, until one day, he finds out what to do with it; trash it away, open it, of just keep it closed. Castiel is well aware that during these days he hasn’t been thinking properly, he is too emotionally injured. If he trashed away or opened that letter, he knows that he would make the wrong choice. He knows he isn’t in the right condition to make a choice. Whenever he knows that he is feeling better, that he can think properly, he will decide what the destiny of that letter is.

For now, he just wants to leave it there, closed, and go to sleep. He urgently needs to fall asleep. His eyelids feel really heavy and his eyes itch from the lack of sleep. Castiel knows that letter is only going to give him more trouble instead of helping him to sleep, but he hopes that he can sleep for tonight. Just one night. His body is starting to notice the several sleepless nights he has been through since Dean and he argued.

But he finally manages to sleep that night. Although it is full of dreams, all related with Dean naturally. Those green eyes can’t disappear from Castiel’s mind; they will never do and they never had. Those green eyes will follow Castiel whenever he goes. Eyes as green, intense and gorgeous as Dean’s eyes aren’t easy to forget.

When he wakes up, Castiel looks at his alarm clock and sees that it is 11:33 a.m. He really slept. He needed it, but despite of the long sleep he has taken, he still feels tired, so he covers himself under the bedcover and the sheet, wishing that he could stay under the covers of his bed for years. When he was a child he had the stupid idea that if he was completely hidden under the sheets, nothing bad could happen; the world wouldn’t care about Castiel Novak. He could be there and there would be something that would make everyone forget about him and he could stay safe and warm in his bed until he needed to. And once he decided to leave his bed, it would be as if that long time Castiel had been hiding, never existed for anyone else except Castiel.

He wishes it could be like that. He wishes he could hide in his bed for a long time and nobody would worry about him. Maybe that would help to heal his heart and Dean’s. All Castiel wants is to feel good again and to feel as warm and safe as he does when he is hiding himself from the world in his bed.

Still, Castiel has to get up when his stomach starts to grumble. He hates how the cold embraces him the moment he pulls over the quilt. Maybe he can go back to bed after having breakfast and do something with his laptop or read a book or anything. He doesn’t feel like doing anything outside his bed. Castiel knows he shouldn’t be like this, that he should be trying to feel better and move from things, but he feels so weak and tired that he can’t. One of these days he knows he will be able to get away from this depressing mood and behavior, but until then, he only wants to be wrapped in the security and warmth of his bed.

As he makes breakfast, some coffee and a couple of Pop Tarts, he can’t help looking at the letter he left last night on the coffee table. Castiel can’t stop thinking about that stupid letter. He doesn’t know what to do with it, but the simple presence of that envelope with his name on it, hiding what Dean only knows, it kind of disturbs him. He tries his best to ignore it, to pretend that it isn’t there, but it doesn’t work.

After breakfast, Castiel goes back to his bed and gets his laptop, so he gets back to where he left last night with the exams. It does a lot to keep his mind away from Dean and the letter. And he is really grateful for it.

 

Days pass and Castiel still doesn’t know what to do with the letter. It is still there, waiting on the coffee table. The truth is that Castiel wants the letter to remain there. If he opens it, he might read something he doesn’t want to and it will hurt him. If he breaks it, he might regret it. Anyway, Castiel loses. That’s why the letter remains there, untouched and unmoved. Castiel keeps telling himself that the following day, he will take a decision and he will open it or break it; but he never does. He keeps delaying his decision, hoping that the day when he finally decides what to do, may never come.

How can just a piece of paper hold that amount of feelings and fears? Part of Castiel wants to open it and find out what it hides. Another part of his being wants to shred into pieces the stupid letter. And the other part of Castiel wants to leave the letter unopened. It’s been eight days since Castiel got that letter in his mailbox and he hasn’t done anything with it.

At least he is starting to be a bit more emotionally stable. He hasn’t forgotten Dean, of course. If he couldn’t forget him in fifteen years, he can’t expect to forget him in two weeks. Heart wounds never heal that quickly and that easily. Castiel wishes he wasn’t that attached to Dean, that he didn’t need him as much as he did, but he does. He can live without Dean, but he doesn’t want to. The problem is that it is better if they stay away from each other, it will be less painful for both of them, Castiel truly believes that.

Castiel touches the back of his bicep, where the winged tattoo is, hidden under the sweater he is wearing. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He stays still in the middle of his apartment, with his fingers brushing the fiber of the sweater, until he opens his eyes and shakes his head. He is really tired of pining and feeling heartbroken.

The next day, he decides to take a walk through town, without any destination at all. He only wants to wander through the streets, hoping that his thoughts and feelings can remain quiet for a bit. Walks have always helped him, so Castiel thinks that it might help him today too.

It is the first of February and the weather is still really cold. Castiel places his hands inside the pockets of his trench coat, guarding them from the cold. The soft wind that blows comes cold, making Castiel’s nose and cheeks acquire a pink shade. But Castiel likes winter, especially if he is wearing warm clothes.

He keeps walking through the streets, not caring where he goes. He just walks and walks. It is nice to feel his head a bit clearer and his heart not aching. It is a shame it can’t always be like this; it would definitely ease things a lot. But you can’t always get what you want. Although Castiel thinks that he never gets what he wants when it comes to his emotional and love life. He had Dean a long time ago, someone he really loved and he really wanted, but it didn’t last. He was wondering when Dean was going to come back to his thoughts.

Minutes pass and Castiel keeps walking. Still, without any destination and with no intention of coming back home yet. And then, he sees him in front of him, a bit far from him and Castiel stops walking. There it is Dean, walking away from the supermarket, carrying several plastic bags. Of course that he had to walk to this street and find Dean in front of him. The world must really hate Castiel.

Castiel looks at Dean, who is in the distance. He rests some plastic bags on the floor and with his free hand, he picks up his mobile phone from his pocket and he starts to talk. Castiel can’t move. He doesn’t know why, but he can’t. He keeps staring at Dean, seeing how gorgeous he looks, like always. He can’t see his face because he is a bit far, but Castiel could swear that Dean looks really sad. It makes Castiel’s heart feel that aching sensation, as if he was being stabbed right in his heart. Suddenly, his eyes start to get glassy. He is only staring at Dean, talking on his phone, and it hurts him a lot. Dean doesn’t see him, he is too focused on his call and on his plastic bags, but Castiel can see Dean and it hurts a lot.

He doesn’t know how his legs finally respond him, but when they do, Castiel turns over and runs away before Dean can see him, going to the end of the street. Castiel turns right and he rests his back on the wall. He is breathing hard and some tears have fallen from his eyes. Why does it hurt so much to see Dean? He only saw him. They didn’t talk, Dean didn’t even see him, and yet, Castiel is feeling terribly bad, as if he was being tortured for hours.

Castiel closes his eyes and a few more tears appear, tracing down his face. He covers his mouth to suppress a sob. He knows that people who are passing by must be giving him odd looks, but he doesn’t care. All he cares about is to get away from that pain in his heart. He only stared at Dean, how could it be so painful?

He starts to run towards his apartment, as far as he can. He wants to be where no one can see him, where no one can hear him, where he can’t see Dean. He hates himself for being this hurt and this pathetic. Damn Dean. Why did he have to cause such a huge impact on Castiel’s life?

When he arrives to his apartment, Castiel closes the door and falls down onto the floor, resting his back on the door. He starts to cry again, without understanding the reason. He wants to let the pain out, to get rid of it somehow. Stupid Dean looking that beautiful and that sad. Stupid Dean and the stupid feelings Castiel has for him. Stupid Dean for making Castiel love him this much. Fucking stupid Dean.

Castiel isn’t sure for how long he cries, but he doesn’t care either. When his eyes are burning painfully from all the tears he has let out, Castiel sighs and rubs his face, wiping away the trails of the tears. Then, he looks at the coffee table, where that stupid letter is. He isn’t going to open it or shred it now. No, he isn’t. Instead, Castiel takes off his trench coat, throwing it at the couch, without caring if it is going to wrinkle or whatever, and he goes towards the cupboard where he keeps his emergency vodka.

It might not be the wisest idea to get drunk on a Sunday because tomorrow, Castiel has to work at the university and teach, and he is going to have an important and annoying hangover, but fuck that, he will deal with the consequences. Right now, what Castiel truly wants is to stop feeling that pain caused by only looking at Dean in the street. He would understand he was feeling this amount of pain if he talked with Dean or if Dean noticed him, but nothing of that happened; Castiel only saw Dean, and with that stupid and meaningless thing, he is feeling like shit and everything hurts like hell.

He takes a long sip of vodka, feeling how the alcohol burns in its usual way its way down Castiel’s throw. He doesn’t like getting drunk, it is useless because it only fades the pain away for a couple of hours, but Castiel needs those hours without pain, without feeling a damn thing. He is too exhausted of feeling like that for all those days; he deserves a rest, he deserves to not feel a single thing for some hours.

Castiel drinks vodka until he can feel himself really drunk, which is when the bottle is empty. He hasn’t got more alcohol in the house. He ends up sitting on the kitchen floor, with his knees pressed against his chest and he buries his face on them, crying again. His life was easier when there weren’t emotions involved, when Dean wasn’t around to make him feel like shit with just looking at that beautiful face.

He spent so many years trying to put himself back together, trying to make his life work again, and he made it, not completely, but he succeeded better than he ever expected. And then, Dean appeared, of course that he had to appear back in his life and although Castiel wanted things to stay strictly into friendship, it didn’t work out and things fell apart once again, they got hurt and now here he is; crying on the floor of his kitchen after getting drunk. This is the pathetic life of Castiel Novak. Castiel would burst in a hysterical laughter if he wasn’t crying.

After some long minutes of crying, Castiel stops, and he keeps sitting on the floor of the kitchen, with his face buried in his knees and with his arms around his legs. He feels so small, so weak, so defeated. He was hoping that alcohol would make all those painful feelings disappear, but it only has increased their intensity a little bit. He should have bought another bottle of alcohol in his way back home.

He finally decides to stand up when he sees that the sun isn’t longer in the sky, that the moon and the night have taken over the city. He walks to his bedroom, and without taking his clothes or his shoes, he gets into his bed. He wants to stop time and sleep for an eternity, or maybe forever. It depends of how long it takes his poor broken heart to heal.

Castiel falls asleep, but the morning arrives sooner than usually. Naturally, he has a terrible hangover and his mouth tastes like the floor of a bar. But he gets up. He might want to stop the world and stay in his bed as long as possible, but the world never stops for anyone, and neither does life. The only good thing about Castiel is that it doesn’t matter how many times he falls, he still keeps standing up. Even when he hasn’t got any strength left for that. He knows that he can’t hide in his bed and let the world continue without him. Problems never get solved with that and life doesn’t allow anybody to do such thing. Standing up once you fall always hurts and it leaves you exhausted, but you have to keep walking, no matter how much it hurts. Castiel knows he will fall again and again, and he will stand up again and again. Like he always does. He only hopes that it will never come a time when he can’t stand up again.

He takes a long shower and he has breakfast, and he takes an aspirin, hoping it will make the headache of the hangover fade away as much as possible. When he is about to close the door, he looks at Dean’s letter, still in the same place. Today isn’t the day he is going to open or shred the letter. And that day might never come.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the comments, the bookmarks and the subscriptions *-*

Dean looks absently through the window how the people walk in the street. Despite of being Thursday and being the time when everyone should be at home having dinner, there are a lot of people in the street. But the street where the Roadhouse is located has always been a crowded street, so Dean shouldn’t been surprised at all.

Sam insisted on having dinner together at the Roadhouse. He has been concerned about Dean since Castiel left Dean’s apartment and never came back or called or did anything. Dean is feeling better, but he isn’t fine. He is far from that, but he tries to look like he is it because he knows how worried his family and friends are and Dean doesn’t want them to worry. He doesn’t want any of them to have to put up with Dean’s love story. He knows that it will take him time to start feeling more or less fine, but until he reaches that point, he is going to do his best at pretending that he is quite fine, in order to make the people he cares about stop worrying about him.

“So, almost two weeks have passed since you left that letter in his mailbox, right?” Sam asks suddenly, drawing Dean’s attention back to his brother. Sam hadn’t asked or said anything about Castiel during the whole dinner, and Dean was wondering when his little brother was going to bring him up. Dean must admit that he was expecting Sammy to bring the topic before the desserts arrived.

“Yeah,” Dean says sighing. He takes another bite of the cherry pie he ordered, trying to enjoy its sweetness..

“And he hasn’t called or showed up or—?” He doesn’t finish the question, he pouts and shrugs.

“No.” This time, he sighs louder. “I don’t think he will.” He is sure that Cas must have trashed the letter away. He left very clear that he didn’t want to do anything with Dean again. Dean was wrong when he hoped that Cas would open the letter; he should have known better.

“And what are you gonna do now?” Sam’s voice comes really sad and hurt and Dean hates it. When Dean left Cas almost sixteen years ago, Sam suffered a lot too. And now he is suffering again. He has always wanted Dean to be with Cas, he always said that they were the perfect couple, but Dean knows that they weren’t.

Dean shrugs. “Nothing. He doesn’t want to see me or talk to me. I’m not gonna force him into something he doesn’t want, Sammy.” He looks again at the street, hoping that one of those persons that pass by was Castiel. He misses him a lot. He hasn’t seen him for three weeks and he misses Castiel more than he had for fifteen years. It must be because they are in the same town and Dean knows where he is, but he can’t go and see him. “With that letter I tried to have him back, but I guess Cas took his decision and decided to trash the letter away and forget me.”

“I don’t think he has forgotten you. I don’t think he will.”

Dean would like to tell Sam that he is wrong, but he knows that Cas will never forget him. After all, Dean hurt him, and that’s not something one can forget easily. “Yeah, but he will try. Like me.”

Sam grunts and rubs his face in frustration. “Dean, do you want me to talk to him? I can make him reason. Not into being the two of you together, but being friends again. This break up isn’t doing good to you, and I’m sure it isn’t good for him either.”

“Sam,” Dean says with a warm smile. “There has been already too much pain. I don’t want more pain in between me and Cas. I appreciate what you want to do, but it is better not to.” But Sam makes those puppy eyes and pouts. “Promise me that you won’t do anything. Things are already screwed up, so please, don’t screw them up more.”

“Dean—”

“Sam,” Dean says with a fierce voice. He would love that his brother could help him with this, but it would only make things get worse. And he is already too tired of seeing how things fuck up. He and Cas had enough. He doesn’t want to involve Sam in this crappy and painful mess. Sam doesn’t deserve it. “Promise me.”

“Okay, I promise you.” He mutters. He isn’t too glad about it. “You two are just a pair of idiots in love,” he adds.

Dean puffs an acid chuckle. “Shut up.”

“Hey, boys,” Ellen says suddenly with her usual warm smile. She squeezes Dean’s shoulder in that motherly way of her.

“What are you still doing here, Ellen?” Sam asks confused as he looks at his watch. “Didn’t your turn end like an hour ago?”

“Has he always been this controlling?” she asks to Dean with a sarcastic smile.

“You’ve got no idea.” Dean chuckles.

Sam rolls his eyes. “Shut up.”

“You don’t trust Ash alone in the night?” he asks teasingly and Sam chuckles.

“I do trust him. He is crazy, but responsible,” Ellen says. “I had to make the shopping list and it took me longer than I expected,” She explains, pinching her nose and sighing. Then, her eyes go back to Dean, and Dean can see the worry in her hazel eyes. “How are you doing, Dean?” She knows about that ‘breakup’ with Cas. Like Bobby does. They don’t know all the details, but they do know the important things.

“I’m doing,” he simply answers. He is tired of everyone asking him the same thing every day. It doesn’t make him get better if everyone keeps reminding him how bad he feels for seeing how the love of his life walked away and never came back. “Little by little,” he adds.

Ellen arches her eyebrow and she looks at Sam. “He lies to you too, right?”

Sam makes a tired sigh. “He does.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “I’m fine. I’ve been much worse.” He just wants to stop talking about it. Why can’t they forget about it? Dean doesn’t want his family and friends to carry the load he is carrying. They don’t deserve it. It is all on Dean and Castiel and no one else. He appreciates that he has people that wants to make him feel better, he truly does, but he just wants everyone to stop worrying and asking.

“I’m not going to deny that, but,” Ellen starts to say. “You’ve been better as well.” Dean hates to admit it, but she is right. “Well, I have to go home. Bobby must be starving by now and I don’t want to find out what he has tried to cook.” Sam and Dean chuckle at that. “See you, boys.”

“Bye, Ellen,” Dean and Sam say at the same time.

Ellen walks away, leaving the Winchesters there as they eat their desserts. There’s a small silence in between them until Sam speaks. “Maybe he hasn’t opened the letter yet.”

Dean rolls his eyes and puffs annoyed. “Can we leave the topic, please?”

Sam frowns confused. “Why?”

“Because I’m tired of talking about Cas.” He should add that it hurts, but he keeps that to himself. He suspects that Sam might already know that. “How am I supposed to move on if everyone keeps bringing up the topic?”

Sam makes an overreacting face that puzzles Dean. “Okay, this is unbelievable.”

“What?” Dean asks irritated and bewildered.

“Dean, you don’t realize that Cas isn’t someone you can forget as if he was a regular pie,” he starts to say. Dean is really confused. “The thing between you two isn’t just a crush or anything like that. You two are deeply in love, and by some stupid reasons that you two truly have blind faith on them, you keep thinking that you are better by yourselves than together.” Sam sounds really pissed off and Dean is quite shocked by it. Sam sighs and rubs his mouth. “You two are never going to forget each other. You can’t. But I don’t know why you two are so fucking stubborn and want to forget each other that hard.”

“Enough,” Dean snaps angrily. “Stop it. Okay? That’s enough.”

Sam takes a deep breath and Dean sees how his jaw clenches. “He is the love of your life, Dean. And you are his,” he murmurs. Dean feels his eyes getting glassy. He doesn’t want to cry right here. “Why can’t you two see that?”

“We can. We do,” Dean says making Sam open his eyes widely. “But he doesn’t trust me. He can’t trust me again. I already told you that. I broke his heart and he can’t give me his heart again because he knows I will break it again. How many times do I have to explain you this?”

Sam takes a deep breath and looks through the window for a moment. He doesn’t look back to Dean until he decides to speak up again. “I just want you two together, being as happy as you were. You are only hurting each other like this, Dean, and I— I’m tired of seeing you suffering like this.”

Dean’s heart sinks with those words. He looks at the remaining of his pie and he makes a painful smile when he looks at Sam again. “We can’t always fix everything, Sam. I wish I could, but—” He takes a deep breath and rubs his tired eyes. “But I’m tired of trying and breaking my heart and Castiel’s. And Cas is it too. We aren’t those innocent kids anymore. We grew up and—” He takes a deep breath, unsure about how to end the sentence.

“I know,” Sam says with a sympathetic smile. “Sorry for pushing, I just—”

“I know,” Dean interrupts him as he makes an honest smile.

They smile and keep eating their desserts. There is no more mention about Castiel or anything that has to do with him. Dean is really thankful for that.

When they have paid the bill and they are out of the Roadhouse, the brothers say goodbye to each other and they get into their respective cars, driving their way back home. Dean is soon in his solitary apartment. He switches on the lights and takes off his leather jacket. Everything is quiet, except for the footsteps Dean takes. His boots make a soft noise as he walks.

Dean looks at his mobile phone, hoping that Cas might have left him a message or a missed call, but like always, there’s nothing. It will never be. He could try to call or message Cas, but he knows Cas won’t answer, and if he does, there is only going to be pain. He should better save them going through that.

He goes towards his bedroom and drops onto the bed, rubbing his face tiredly. His bed seems bigger, colder and lonelier than usually. He remembers how great was to fall asleep with Cas in his arms. Too bad the next morning went the way it did. Dean thought that things were going to be good again, but he was wrong. He is always wrong when it comes to feelings and relationships.

Dean takes a loud deep breath. He is too tired of everything. It doesn’t matter what he does or he doesn’t; he always ends up fucking things up. Dean Winchester is a completely crappy mess. It is no surprise that Cas doesn’t want to be with him. After all, Dean is all crap. No single sane person would want to be with Dean.

His guitar is in its usual place. Dean looks at it and decides to move from his bed and grab his guitar. Playing it usually helps him to ease the pain, not so much, but it does a little. At least it is healthier than drinking until everything twirls around Dean. He wouldn’t doubt on drinking until he is blind, but it isn’t recommendable to go tomorrow to the garage with a hangover. The last thing Dean needs is to have any kind of accident with a car.

So Dean starts to play whatever he feels to and he lets the music take over him, singing and playing songs about an angel he lost.

 

***

 

Castiel would stay as long as he could at the university, but he doesn’t have anything to do. All the exams are corrected and he has already prepared the new ones. He doesn’t want to spend the rest of his Friday at the university staring at a screen without doing anything, so he decides to go back to his apartment.

The drive back to his place is slow. He doesn’t really want to go back to his apartment. He should be willing to go back home, but it doesn’t feel home at all, especially on Fridays. It is stupid, he knows it, but he can’t help that odd feeling.

He arrives to his apartment, as cold and lonely as it has been lately. He feels the presence of the letter more than any other day. One of these days he is going to realize he can’t run away from that stupid letter, but for now, he is going to let another day pass without doing anything with it.

His stomach grumbles so he decides to prepare supper. It is quite early for supper, but he doesn’t care. He isn’t going to cook anything special, just an omelette accompanied with a lettuce and tomato salad. If he was at Dean’s apartment, Dean would be already cooking something tasty and delicious. Castiel sighs and focuses on the frying pan he is using to cook his omelette. Everything reminds him of Dean, every single fucking thing. It has been three weeks since they last saw and Castiel is still thinking about Dean. And he hates himself so much for it. He shouldn’t miss or need Dean the way he does, he should be able to forget him; he knows he can’t forget him in less than a month, he is well aware of that, but he wants to stop thinking about the damn guy for almost the whole day.

Castiel puts the omelette on a plate and he walks towards the kitchen table, where the salad is already waiting for him. He eats in silence, like he always does. He could put some music, but of course, every single song reminds him of Dean. From Queen to Mozart. It doesn’t matter if the lyrics don’t have to do with love, or if there aren’t lyrics at all.

He isn’t doing well with this kind of breakup. He misses Dean a lot. They only saw each other once in a week, but Castiel always looked forward for Friday to come and spend his night with Dean, having dinner together and watching a movie. It felt like coming home after a long week every time he arrived to Dean’s apartment. The wonderful smell of whatever Dean was cooking, the warm smile that Dean always made when he saw Castiel, the sudden happiness that Castiel felt when he was with Dean…

Dean, despite of everything, made Castiel really happy. Truth is that Castiel never wanted to leave that apartment. He hated the moment when the movie finished and he had to go back home. He wanted to stay with Dean all night, talking to him, doing things, whatever they could do, because he liked to be with Dean, he wanted to be with Dean, he felt happy.

Maybe that wasn’t his reaction for the first month they started to develop that friendship, but then, it started to be like that. Castiel tried to keep his heart closed to Dean, in order to keep himself away from a love he never forgot, but Dean has always known how to get into Castiel’s heart. And without noticing it, well, pretending that those feelings Castiel always had for Dean weren’t there, Castiel was starting to realize that he was still in love with Dean and he fell over him again.

Castiel rubs his eyes and buries his face in his hands. That has always been the problem; neither he nor Dean stopped loving each other. They lied to themselves and pretended that they didn’t want anything more like a friendship. And the more time they spent together, they more they realized that they loved each other so much. The evidences were there, but no one of them could read each other’s eyes and see the truths their hearts were locking.

And also, Castiel, despite of being aware of his feelings, he refused to embrace them. He didn’t want to go back where he and Dean left. It was too late for that, he didn’t want to risk and expose his heart like he did several years ago. Dean left him without any explanation at all and Castiel was still hurt by it. But when he woke up and found Dean in the kitchen making breakfast, Castiel wanted so bad to live that every morning, to have Dean like he always wanted.

Why is he thinking about all of that now? He really hates his mind and heart and everything that induces him to start thinking about Dean. It’s over. There isn’t any other chance left for them. They wasted all of them. Castiel should finish his dinner and stop thinking and overanalyzing every stupid small detail of those months when he and Dean were trying to develop a friendship.

He finishes his supper and he washes the dish, the bowl, the glass and the fork, drying all of that after he has closed the tap. As he dries, he looks through the window. The last rays of sun are still in the sky, but they don’t do much; everything is already dark. The town of Berkeley is already in its night mood with a big part of its artificial lights on. It looks lovely. He dedicates a tiny smile at the town as he places the fork in its right drawer. Then, he keeps looking through the window.

Sometimes Castiel looks through the window, seeing people pass by, and he wonders about what the life of that person might be. Does she have a broken heart too? Is he going to take a bus and never come back? Are they going to the movies? Every single person in this world has their own story, their own small adventure, and it is probably that no one will write about them. They just pass by the street, were Castiel’s eyesight is, and he is never going to see that people again, he doesn’t know their names, their lives, he doesn’t even see their faces right, but here they are, living their own story, getting into Castiel’s own story for a tiny moment.

He can’t help wanting that one of those persons he stares at could be Dean. Castiel sighs and turns away from the window. Decades will pass and he will still think about Dean. How could he fall this deep for Dean? They were together for less than a year, and the huge impact that Dean left marked every tiny nook of Castiel’s being. They were just stupid kids in love, but Castiel has never felt as happy as he felt when he was with Dean.

Having someone who loves you more than anything, who can make you see the light in your darkest moments, who can always make you smile, was something that Castiel thought he would never had. And Dean appeared and he turned his world upside down. It felt like if Castiel hadn’t breathed in his whole life and Dean taught him how to. He is getting cheesy. He chuckles at that; Dean always complained about how cheesy Castiel used to be, although Dean used to be pretty cheesy as well.

Their relationship lasted some months, they didn’t do anything that any other couple didn’t do, Castiel is sure about that, but there was something about Dean, something that made him feel alive, that brought the best of Castiel. And Castiel knows that the same happened to Dean. They always brought the best of each other. And it didn’t matter what they were doing, as long as they were together, everything felt good and happy. Just sitting next to Dean in high school, made Castiel feel awesome.

And just seeing Dean every Friday night made the same. Castiel lets out an acid chuckle at that thought. He tried to convince himself so hard that he wasn’t feeling love for Dean, that it was some nostalgia, that those were leftover feelings from something he felt a long time ago, that he never realized that his heart never stopped being Dean’s. And he realized about it the night he slept with Dean, when it was already too late. He has tried to forget such thing again during these weeks, but he can’t ignore it this time.

Castiel’s eyes get glassy. He chews his lower lip nervously as his heart start to beat in that painful way of his, as if it was trying to get stabbed against one of Castiel’s ribs. He loves Dean, more than anything, he has never stopped loving him, and he is sure he will never stop. Dean left a print on Castiel’s being; a print that it is impossible to remove.

Still, Castiel is mad at Dean for not telling him why he was leaving. He could have said something or at least he could have stayed in contact with him for all those years, Dean knew perfectly his address; a letter once in a while would have been welcoming. But he didn’t do any of that, he just left, without an explanation, without a word. If Dean could have explained the reasons, everything wouldn’t have been as painful as it was.

He understands that Dean was trying to protect him and that Dean was scared of whatever John could do to Sam, Dean and Castiel, but Dean should have told him and Castiel would have done anything to help his boyfriend. But they were young and stupid, weren’t they? They were just some teenagers that wanted to plan their whole life together, as if that was possible. And then, life happened and fucked everything up.

But they are no longer those naïve teenagers anymore. They have reached their thirties, they have their lives and their houses and their jobs. It has been a long time since Dean left, and so many things have happened on their lives. They have grown up and learnt from their mistakes. Every time they fell, both of them stood up, and they have kept carrying with that heavy load upon their shoulders and a broken heart.

Castiel closes his eyes and sighs. His heart is still beating in that restless way. He crosses his arms, brushing with his fingers the sweater he is wearing, knowing that right there, upon his elbow, there are tattooed wings, the wings of an angel, the wings that have been on his skin for so many years. He can’t always see them, but he always carries them with him. A sign of Dean, a reminder of a lost love.

He opens his eyes and he takes a deep breath. From where he is standing, he can see the letter Dean left on his mailbox two weeks ago. Castiel looks away; it still makes him uncomfortable to look at that envelope with his name on it, hiding whatever it is hiding. He swallows with difficulty; he has a limp in his throat and he doesn’t fully understand why. His eyes drop to the floor and he makes a grimace. Then, his eyes decide to look at the letter again.

It doesn’t matter for long he decides to avoid that letter, it is going to wait for him. He should stop running away from it. But when he looks at it, he can’t help remembering what it was to find that letter Dean left him on that Monday in 1999, ending the happiest part of Castiel’s life. Looking at that recent letter brings Castiel too many painful memories.

But this time, it isn’t the same. Now Dean and him are separated, so there’s nothing to lose, right? But it still can cause Castiel another heartbreak. It is a risk he has to take.

Castiel takes a deep breath and he walks towards the coffee table, where the letter is waiting for him. He looks at it, as determined and serious as possible. He sits down on the couch and grabs the letter. His hands tremble a little, nervous of not knowing what he is going to find inside the envelope. But he is going to find it out. He needs to. Today there’s no more putting off on opening it.

He takes another deep breath and he opens the envelope.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions *-*
> 
>  **Note:** I'm not going to be able to post next Sunday, so I will try to post next chapter on Saturday.

Castiel is surprised to find inside the envelope a flash drive. There isn’t anything else inside the envelope, only that red flash drive. Castiel frowns confused at it. He has to admit that he wasn’t expecting to find that thing inside; he was expecting a letter with words, not a flash drive. He stares at it oddly, not fully believing that was the thing inside the envelope.

He grabs his laptop and he turns it on. As it starts, Castiel keeps looking at the flash drive as if with just staring at it, all his questions could be answered. It disconcerts Castiel a lot.

Once the laptop is fully started, he connects the flash drive and he waits until a window opens. There is only a file on the flash drive, _play_me.avi_. He looks at the file perplexed. Dean made a video? Seriously? He was expecting something very different from this, to be honest. He has already opened the envelope, so it would be a nonsense to not play the video right now. Castiel takes a deep breath and clicks on the video, wondering what the content might be.

There’s some ruffling noise at the beginning and Castiel can recognize that it is Dean’s bedroom. Dean appears suddenly, he must have been behind the camera, checking that it was in the right place, and he walks towards his bed, where he sits down. He looks sad, and Castiel could swear that Dean’s eyes are glassy.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean starts to say looking at the camera. He looks and sounds nervous. “I don’t know when you will watch this, or if you will, but—” He scratches the back of his neck and makes a nervous chuckle. “I don’t know if you will open the envelope, but I hope that you will.” He takes a deep breath and looks down and his hands, which are intertwined.

Castiel looks expectantly at the video. Dean takes a deep breath and he looks back at the camera. “I could have written you a letter, but I have a few things to say and I don’t think it will fit on a whole sheet of paper. And you know I suck with words, so I thought it was better if I filmed myself. And—” He closes his mouth and makes a hurt and shy grimace. “It’s not my smartest idea, but—” He takes another deep breath, this time it sounds chocked. “I gotta try.” And he makes an honest smile.

Castiel must admit that he is intrigued by the video. Dean clears his throat and moves a bit, as if he was trying to get himself a bit more comfortable, but he seems to fail. “Okay, let’s start,” he keeps saying as he caresses his thighs in a nervous way. “I’m making this because I love you, and— well, this is my chance to win your love back. Maybe it is too late, or not, I don’t know.” He shrugs and makes that painful face again that makes Castiel’s heart sink. “I just want to try, y’know?”

His blue eyes are starting to get a bit glassy and it isn’t a good sign, but Castiel keeps watching the video. “I love you, Cas, and you know it. And I know that you love me too. You are the best thing that ever happened in my life. And I truly mean it. These aren’t just meaningless words, hell, you know that I don’t say this kind of things easily, but when it comes to you, I can say it because I truly mean them.” Dean sighs and with one of his hands he runs it through his short hair, messing it a bit. “I made a mistake Cas, I made it. And it is the biggest mistake I ever did. You already know that, I explained it to you the last time we saw.”

Dean makes a small pause after taking a deep breath, then, he keeps talking, “I already explained you that, and I think we both left things pretty clear that morning.” Castiel closes his eyes and nods to the screen. He opens them, a tear falling from his eye. “I wanted to protect you, to protect Sammy and myself and I thought that doing what I did was the best idea. I was young and so fucking stupid. I’m still stupid, but—” He chuckles and Castiel chuckles too. “We were too young, Cas. And we thought the world was ours and it wasn’t.”

“Dean—” Castiel breathes out. He feels as if he was running out of air.

“I didn’t write you or call you because I knew that after leaving you that letter, you would hate me. I was hoping that you would find someone worthy, someone you deserved. You were so fucking awesome and I was that stupid kid that only hurt you and— you deserved better.” Dean’s eyes are getting glassy too. “There aren’t enough ‘sorry’s in the world for you, Cas. It doesn’t matter how many times I apologize for not telling you or explaining you, it won’t be enough. And we can’t forget those wasted fifteen years.”

“We can’t,” he whispers.

“But we can make our future,” Dean says and Castiel opens his eyes widely. “There hasn’t been a single day since I left that I didn’t wish I was with you, Cas. I never stopped loving you. I tried to forget you, but I couldn’t. You stole my heart and— that’s starting to sound really cheesy and cliché,” he says with an awkward smile. Castiel chuckles at that. It is so typical of Dean. “But I love you and I will always do. No matter how many years pass, you are the love of my life,” he says with an honest smile. “Even if it is one of the sappiest things I have ever said, it is true.”

Castiel chuckles at that, feeling a few more tears falling down his face. Dean takes a deep breath. “Cas, I— oh fuck, why is this so hard?” He grunts and rubs his face. “I— I can live without you, and you can live without me.” Those words are like knives stabbing Castiel. “We have lived without each other for years, but the truth is that I don’t want to live without you. I don’t know if you want to live without me but— well, you know.” He clears his throat. “The thing is that I want you in my life, living those things we have always desired. I want to have that life I threw back a long time ago when I left Pontiac.” Dean looks up, as if he was trying not to cry and then he makes an acid chuckle. “I don’t know if there’s any space left in your wounded heart for forgiveness, but if there is, I want to apologize again for everything, for fucking up and not taking the wisest decision in my life.”

Castiel inhales sharply. And with the sleeve of his sweater he wipes off his tears. Dean keeps talking. “I’m ready to start again, not where we left; I want to start over, from the beginning. I don’t know if you are ready to do that or if you want to. I know you don’t trust me because I have broken your heart too many times and you don’t want to get hurt by the same jackass again.” Dean’s words sound really honest and Castiel is feeling as if his heart was being burned slowly and painfully. “I can’t force you into this and I won’t, I’m a jackass but not a heartless son of bitch, but it’s your choice, Cas. If you wanna start over, you know where you can find me. If you don’t, well, just— I’ll accept it.”

Castiel wishes it could be that easy to forget everything, to trust Dean again. All these words Dean has said show him how much Dean loves him and that he means them. But Castiel is still hurt and he doesn’t want to expose his poor heart again. There has been too much pain when it came to Dean, and Castiel can’t go through that again, he is too hurt and too tired of that.

Dean exhales sharply. “I know that you don’t trust me, and I get it, and you might think that I don’t love you, but this time, if you decide to start over, I promise you I won’t hurt you again, Cas. I won’t hurt you ever. I would rather go to hell than hurt you again.” Castiel wants to believe Dean, but he can’t. “I’m aware these are words, but I truly mean them, Cas.”

Castiel makes a sob and cries again. He clenches his jaw and inhales sharply. Now his heart is beating in that aching usual way of his. He opens his eyes when he hears Dean talking again. “I don’t know if this will make you trust me again, or forgive me, or make you angrier or what, but—” He takes a deep breath and Dean grabs his guitar. At that, Castiel’s eyes open widely in shock and he feels a shiver running down his body. “This is my way of saying that I love you and that I need you and that I’m not going to hurt you again and— all the things I’m going to sing,” he adds, blushing again.

The moment Dean starts to play the guitar, Castiel’s heart skips a beat. He recognizes the song. It is _Still Loving You_ by Scorpions. Castiel wanted Dean to learn how to play that song on his guitar, he told him that once, the last night he and Dean spent together, and now, Dean is playing that song to Castiel in a video.

“ _Time, it needs time, to win your love again, I will be there, I will be there,_ ” Dean starts to sing with a beautiful voice that makes Castiel smile unconsciously and let more tears fall. Dean singing is one of the most beautiful things Castiel has ever heard and it makes him feel indescribable things. “ _Love, only love, can bring back your love someday, I will be there, I will be there._ ” Castiel can’t believe that Dean finally learnt how to play that song. He wasn’t expecting Dean to sing a song that Castiel has always loved, a song which lyrics show the perfect situation in between them. It is a love song, something that Dean hasn’t been too fond on playing and much less on singing and Castiel’s heart is doing wild things and he can’t stop crying and smiling at the same time.

“ _I’ll fight, babe, I’ll fight, to win back your love again, I will be there, I will be there. Love, only love, can break down the wall someday, I will be there, I will be there,_ ” Dean sings. It has been years since Castiel listened to Dean playing the guitar. Dean only played it and he never sang. And hearing that beautiful voice, knowing how shy Dean was when it came to play the guitar and even more when it came to sing, it makes Castiel’s chest bloom a heartwarming sensation that spreads through his whole body. He has heard Dean singing, but never as he played the guitar, and Dean’s voice sounds more beautiful than always if it is accompanied with the guitar.

“ _If we’d go again, all the way from the start, I would try to change the things that killed our love. Your pride has built a wall, so strong that I can’t get through. Is there really no chance, to start once again? I’m loving you._ ”

Dean makes the small solo and Castiel makes a soft laugh. He looks wonderful as he plays and sings, “ _Try, baby try, to trust in my love again, I will be there, I will be there. Love, our love, just shouldn’t be thrown away, I will be there, I will be there._ ” Castiel keeps crying of happiness, feeling what he hasn’t felt in years. The more Dean sings, the more touched Castiel feels. He can’t believe what he is singing, he can’t believe that Dean put all his heart and soul on singing this for Castiel, in order to win his love again, to make him trust him again.

“ _If we’d go again, all the way from the start, I would try to change the things that killed our love. Your pride has built a wall, so strong that I can’t get through. Is there really no chance, to start once again? If we’d go again, all the way from the start, I would try to change the things that killed our love. Yes I’ve hurt your pride, and I know, what you’ve been through. You should give me a chance, this can’t be the end. I’m still loving you. I’m still loving you. I need your love. I’m still loving you._ ”

The song ends. Dean has a few tears on his face. He makes a soft smile. “I mean every single word of the song, Cas,” Dean says. “I’m still loving you. And I will never stop loving you.” And then, the video stops.

Castiel starts to cry with more intensity and the grin his lips are making gets wider and his hands are shaking. He is happy, really happy. More than he has been in a long time, more than he ever expected to be. And he is speechless as well. Who would have known that Dean would find the way to win Castiel’s heart back? Castiel starts to laugh happily at that. With his hands he removes the trail his tears have left, then, he looks at the time on his laptop. Dean might be about to have dinner.

Castiel removes the flash drive, turns off his laptop, he grabs his trench coat and he gets out from his apartment as fast as he can. He needs to see Dean and talk to him, so he runs faster than he has ever done, not caring about the odd looks he gets from all those strangers he passes by. Castiel just cares about the person he is running towards.

He runs and he runs through the streets or Berkeley, feeling how the night breeze caresses his face and how his heart beats faster than usually, and this time, his heart doesn’t hurt, it feels good, like it hasn’t feel for almost sixteen years. Castiel’s grin never abandons him; he keeps running, showing his happiness to all that people that he doesn’t know.

When he arrives to the building where Dean lives, Castiel looks at Dean’s window, seeing that the lights are on, meaning that Dean is there. He takes a needy breath, he is quite exhausted from the run and he needs to catch his breath a little, but then, he gets into the building and runs upstairs, until he is in the floor where Dean lives. Before knocking on the door, Castiel rests his hands on his knees, catching his breathe. His heart is beating at one hundred miles per hour and he feels awesome.

Once he feels his breathing is back to normal, he knocks the door a couple of times and he waits until the door is opened. Dean’s eyes open as humanly wide as possible in shock. He wasn’t expecting Castiel, naturally. Dean dropped that letter two weeks ago and it is sure that he thought that Cas got rid of it.

“You remembered,” Castiel starts to say with an honest smile. He picks up the flash drive from his trench coat pocket and shows it to Dean. “You remembered that I loved that song.”

“Of course that I remembered, Cas,” Dean says with an emotive smile. He seems so glad that Castiel is standing there in front of him after three weeks. And Castiel is glad to be right there now.

Castiel chuckles. “Did you mean it? Everything? The words? The song?” His questions come breathy; he hasn’t fully recovered his breathing yet.

Dean nods with a genuine and timid smile drawn on his lips. “I meant it. All of it.”

Castiel grins and he looks down shyly. Then he looks at Dean again, whose eyes are bright with hope. “Sorry it took me this long to open the letter I wasn’t— I wasn’t ready to know what it contained.”

“Yeah well, leaving you another letter wasn’t a great idea,” he says a bit teasingly. Both of them chuckle at that. There’s a small silence in between them that they spend just smiling and looking at each other, as if they haven’t seen each other for years. Dean then speaks after a moment, “So, have you made up your mind? Have you taken your choice?”

“I have,” he answers really confident. “You really know how to make someone feel loved.” He offers Dean the flash drive and Dean grabs it. Castiel starts to breathe quite fast.

“Are you okay?” Dean asks worried and frowning.

Castiel nods and laughs. “Yeah, I have run extremely fast all the way here.” With that Dean makes an impressed face. “I needed to see you and to tell you so many things.” Those words make Dean to blush and to make one of his loveliest smiles. “Dean, I’m so sorry for reacting how I did and leaving you like that. Finding out the reason of why you left, it just blew my mind and I just couldn’t take it.”

“I know Cas, it wasn’t something easy to process.” He sounds ashamed.

“Yeah, but I was a douchebag. You were trying to protect me. To protect you and your brother and I was selfish, but at the same time I was hurt and I—” Castiel takes a deep breath and looks ashamed at Dean’s eyes, which show empathy. “It was a mess of feelings and I was really hurt and I overreacted and I thought that leaving was the best option, but I guess I made the same mistake you did.”

“Yeah, we are a couple of dumbasses.”

Castiel laughs. “Yes, we are.” They look at each other in a tender way. Castiel has missed seeing those eyes, feeling how they try to get into his soul. He can’t help the grin that appears on his lips at that thought. They stay looking at each other for some moments until Castiel talks again, “I’m going to be honest with you Dean.”

“Okay,” he says with a determined but tender voice.

“I’m terribly scared of going back together. I truly am. But that video, that song, it all has showed me that I can trust you, and I’m giving you a trust that I thought I could never give you again,” he starts to say a bit nervous. “I don’t know how things will work out for the two of us, but for the first time in so many long years, I truly believe that we can make it, and I’m willing to start over again with you. I’m willing to take this risk.” He takes a step forward, getting into Dean’s personal space and Dean doesn’t move. “I need to hear that you won’t hurt me and that you love me, and I need you to say those words looking at my eyes.”

“I won’t hurt you ever again, Cas,” Dean says really honest, looking into Castiel’s eyes. They are really close, only a few inches are in between their faces. “And I love you so fucking much,” he adds. Castiel smiles at that. “Can you do the same for me?”

“Of course,” he says grinning. “I won’t hurt you, Dean,” he says looking into those beautiful eyes. “And I love you so much.”  
Dean’s grin is all gums and teeth. “It’s great to hear you saying those words.”

“That I love you?”

“Yeah.” They get a little bit closer, feeling each other’s breathings caressing their faces. “Can you repeat it again?” he prompts whispering, a pretty and a bit of a cocky smile forming on those wonderful lips.

“I love you, Dean Winchester.” He missed saying those words. “Your turn, Dean.”

Dean laughs in a bright way. “I love you, Castiel Novak.” Dean cups his face and kisses him sweetly and needy. Castiel makes a moan the moment Dean’s lips are on his. Dean and his fucking perfect kisses. He doesn’t doubt on embracing Dean’s neck with his arms. “So, we are starting over?” Dean asks with when he pulls away. It isn’t too far, their lips are still grazing.

“Didn’t I leave it clear enough?”

“Just wanted to be sure.” He smirks teasingly.

“You are an idiot.” He laughs.

“But you love me,” he teases looking at Castiel’s eyes.

“Yes. I love you.” He leans on Dean and kisses him happily and fiercely, feeling the warmth and the wetness of Dean’s mouth. This time the kiss is open mouthed and their tongues meet together, making both of them moan. They press their bodies closer; it has been a long time since they were this close. This time it feels better and right, not like that night.

Suddenly, someone lets out an excited yell and Dean and Castiel pull away their mouths, looking to where the sound came from. Charlie is next to the elevator and she is looking really happy and excited. “You got back together!” Charlie yells really happy and hopping on the hall, shaking her hands in a too excited way. “Oh gosh! Oh gosh! You are back together!”

Castiel looks at Dean as they both blush and they make a timid smile. Dean clears his throat as he makes a happy smile, one Castiel hasn’t seen in a long time. “Charlie,” Dean begins to say.

“Yeah, sorry for interrupting,” she says shyly but still hopping a bit. “I just saw you and you were kissing and—” She starts to make incoherent sounds as she moves her hands in a restless and excited way. “You are together again! I’m so happy for you guys!” She starts to jump again. “Now I will leave you alone. I promise.” She starts to walk to her door, without fading away the happy and big grin on her face. “We will have to make a party or something later,” she adds. Castiel chuckles and Dean does too, although he also shakes his head in disbelief. “I’m so happy for you, guys!” she exclaims before getting into her apartment and closing the door.

“I think she was happier than us,” Castiel jokes.

“Really?” Dean asks quirking an eyebrow and kissing Castiel passionately. Castiel laughs after that. “Do you want to come in?”

“Yes, I want to.” He pulls away and he holds Dean’s hand, getting the both of them into the apartment. It feels like going back home. There isn’t that coldness and loneliness of Castiel’s apartment; Dean’s is warm and nice and he loves it. The moment Dean closes the door, Castiel throws into Dean and he hugs him. “I missed you a lot.”

“I missed you too, Cas.” His arms immediately wrap Castiel and he feels safer than ever as that heartwarming sensation keeps spreading through his being. Dean presses a kiss on his hair. “Fuck, I thought I was never going to see you again.”

“I thought that too. I wanted too but— I’m glad you made me change my mind.” He is so glad that he decided to open the envelope and that Dean made that video and he sang that song. Being in Dean’s arms, holding each other, feeling Dean’s warmth feels better than anything. Castiel takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, letting himself get drunk with the overwhelming smell of Dean and his warmth, feeling Dean pressed against him. “Damn, I forgot how good hugging you was.”

Dean chuckles, making Castiel feel the movement caused by it on Dean’s chest. Dean tightens his arms around Castiel. “I can’t believe you are here.”

Castiel smiles, pressing a kiss on Dean’s cheek, then he looks at Dean, without letting their grip on each other go. They don’t say a thing, so they just kiss, slowly and tenderly, pressing together again. After the kiss, they rest their foreheads together.

“Are you staying tonight with me?” Dean asks in a soft voice.

Before answering, Castiel smiles and presses a sweet kiss on Dean’s lips. “Yes, I’m staying tonight with you.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said last week, tomorrow I won't be able to update so I'm updating today :)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions ^^

Some morning light leaks through the window and Castiel opens his eyes, finding Dean already awake and looking at him with a tender smile on his face. They decided to sleep together in Dean’s bed. Dean lent Castiel one of his Henley’s shirts and some pajama’s pants. They fell asleep with their hands tangled together. It has been years since any of them slept that well. Castiel feels warm and safe under the blankets of Dean’s bed and with Dean next to him, with one of his hands on Castiel’s hip, thumb stroking soothingly.

“Good morning,” Castiel says as he leans to kiss Dean. It feels wonderful to wake up and being able to kiss Dean.

“Good morning,” Dean says as happy as Castiel and kissing him again.

“You woke early.”

“Yeah, I wanted to wake up and find you sleeping next to me. Last time I couldn’t,” he murmurs.

“Sorry for that,” he says guiltily. He doesn’t like how he left the next morning after he and Dean had sex. He is ashamed by that.

“Don’t worry.” He presses a brief kiss on Castiel’s lips. “You are here now, that’s what matters.” He smiles. Castiel cups Dean’s face and he kisses Dean passionately. It feels extremely good. They smile after kissing and Dean caresses Castiel’s cheek, giving him that lovely look as if he was trying to assure that he isn’t dreaming. Castiel must admit that this feels as if he was dreaming. They still have a lot of to do, but being there, in the same bed, kissing and looking at each other, feels awesome.

Castiel kisses Dean, this time slowly and tenderly, then, he approaches Dean, until he is pressed against him and resting his cheek on Dean’s chest. “We could spend the whole day in bed.”

Dean’s hand immediately comes to Castiel’s hair, fingers combing his dark mess, making Castiel feel lulled. A smile appears on his lips. “Don’t you want breakfast?” Dean asks in a teasing voice.

Castiel chuckles. “I forgot that Dean Winchester never skips a meal.”

“I was saying it because you love my breakfast, asshole.”

He laughs and snuggles himself on Dean, whose other hand goes to Castiel’s shoulder, holding him. Castiel draws patterns on Dean’s chest with his fingers. He wants to touch and feel Dean as much as he can. He has missed being like this with Dean for too long. “Breakfast can wait a little longer, can it?”

Dean presses a kiss on his hair. “Yeah, Cas, it can wait,” he whispers into Castiel’s hair with a voice that makes Castiel shiver pleased. “I like being like this.”

They stay in bed, holding each other, without saying a thing, just being there together, feeling each other. They stay like that until Dean’s stomach starts to grumble, causing Castiel to laugh loudly. Naturally, they get up and after being in the bathroom, in separate turns, they go to the kitchen and Dean starts to make breakfast while Castiel makes coffee.

Castiel can’t help smiling while Dean sings and whistles while he makes breakfast. He is so happy and Castiel is it too. Sometimes Dean steals him a kiss or Castiel is the one who steals Dean one. The blue eyed man doesn’t take his eyes away from Dean; this time he is enjoying this; he doesn’t have to go to the bathroom to avoid Dean seeing him how much he desires to live this as if they were together, because now, they are together, and it warms Castiel’s heart. And by the happiness Dean is showing all the time, Castiel knows he feels the same.

Breakfast is served; coffee, pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs and some fruit. And everything tastes delicious. Castiel doesn’t miss the happy and proud grin Dean makes every time Castiel lets out a small moan when he eats something. Dean cooks extraordinarily good.

When they have finished the abundant breakfast, Castiel clears his throat. “Dean,” he begins to say. Dean looks at him, who is sitting on Castiel’s right side. They used to sit in front of each other when they had breakfast, but now they are sitting as closer as they can. “What are we going to do now?”

“What do you mean?” Dean asks confused.

“I mean that—” He takes a deep breath. “We have a long road to run, don’t you think?” He is happy that he and Dean are starting again, but Castiel doesn’t know exactly how he and Dean are going to get things work again. For now everything is going great, but there are so many things to do. “I’m not sure what we are supposed to do.”

“Cas.” Dean grabs Castiel’s hand, tangling their fingers together. The touch is warm and nice. Green eyes meet the blue ones, giving confidence and honesty. “I know we have a lot of things to fix and no one of us knows where to go first, but we’ll just keep going, step by step, okay?”

“Since when did you get this wise and mature?” he asks with a charming smile. He wasn’t expecting Dean to talk like this.

“Since I decided that I don’t want anything to fuck up in between us again.” His hand squeezes Castiel in a tender way. “I don’t want to lose you again.” The words make Castiel’s eyes get a bit glassy. Hearing Dean saying that makes him feel valued and special. “Also I’m detecting that I’ve gotten really sappy, but let’s ignore that.”

Castiel chuckles. That’s so Dean; making a joke or mocking himself just to ease the feeling talk. “I really want to see that sap facet of you.”

“Shut your mouth.”

Castiel laughs and then he kisses Dean sweetly and delicately, tasting those lips that were so forbidden a while ago. When he pulls away, not too far from Dean, he squeezes Dean’s hand. “I don’t want to lose you either,” he whispers, which earns him a passionate kiss from Dean.

 

_____

 

Castiel spends the whole Saturday at Dean’s apartment. They watch TV together, they read together, Castiel does some things related with university on Dean’s laptop, they eat together and they sleep in the same bed together on the night.

It feels so natural and great that Dean is so happy. Having Cas with him, just doing the things that they normally do on their places, feels awesome. And what it feels even better is the fact that if any of them wants to kiss the other, they can do it. And the same happens if they want to hold hands. This is what Dean has been missing in his life for all those years. He knows that things aren’t completely fixed, but having Cas like this and in his apartment it surely is more than Dean ever expected to have.

But unluckily, Sunday comes and after lunch, Castiel starts to get dressed, he has been wearing Dean’s clothes the whole weekend. Cas is going back to his place, because tomorrow he has to go to the university and all his stuff is in his apartment.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to ride you to your place?” Dean asks as he stands up from the couch, only to rest himself on the back of it, watching how Castiel walks towards him. He doesn’t want Cas to leave.

“I’m sure,” Castiel answers with a tiny smile, then he takes a deep breath and looks down at his hands. “I don’t want to leave,” he confesses looking back at Dean’s eyes.

The confession catches Dean off guard, feeling something warm at those words. “I don’t want you to leave either.” He grimaces. Cas makes a sad smile. “But you’ve got to, all your things are there. You’ve gotta work tomorrow, so…” He shrugs and Castiel nods.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Too bad you don’t live here,” he whispers with an acid smile.

Castiel’s eyes open widely. “I could live here.”

“What?” Definitely, Dean wasn’t expecting that reply, so he blinks a couple of times, completely perplexed.

Castiel makes that cute, little, shy smile, looking very timid. “I could move in here with you, if— if you wanted to.” He sounds so small and kind of embarrassed.

Dean is still processing the idea of Cas wanting to live with him, not because he doesn’t like the idea, he fucking loves it, it is just that he wasn’t expecting Cas wanting to live with him. “Do you want to live with me?” he asks. He still needs to know that Cas is being sure about this. Dean knows that Cas wouldn’t propose something like this and not being serious about it, but Dean is still processing it.

“Yes,” he answers with a beautiful awkward smile. “I know we have said that we still have to figure things out and we would go step by step, but— I think that it would be a good improvement if we lived together. That way, we would see each other every day instead of only during the weekends, and it would be easier to work things out,” he explains with that certain Cas always has. Dean has his jaw a bit opened, but he is smiling. “And if I have to be honest, this place has been feeling more like home than my own apartment for a long time.” Castiel looks around and then he looks at Dean, waiting for him to say something instead of just looking at Cas and smiling. “What do you think?”

Instead of answering him, Dean walks the small distance in between him and Cas, and when he is as close as possible, Dean cups his face and kisses Castiel. “Hell yes, move in with me.” He chuckles.

Castiel chuckles too. “So do you think it is a good idea too?”

“Yeah, I do.” His thumbs caress those soft cheeks of Cas. Both of them smile. “So, when are you bringing your things to our apartment?”

“We could start now,” he suggests with a wide grin.

“Are you serious?” Dean can’t help the big grin he does as well. Cas is willing to move in with him immediately.

“Yes, I am.” By the way those baby blue eyes are staring at him, Dean can tell that Cas really wants to move in with him. “I could grab my clothes, my laptop and some other important stuff to start with. We could grab the rest of the things during the rest of the days.”

“And your car,” Dean adds. “There’s another parking place in my name where I park mine, so you can use it.”

“Okay.” He presses a brief kiss on Dean’s lips. “Are you okay with me moving in?”

“I’m far more than okay with it, Cas,” he answers. Castiel grins and fists the front of Dean’s Henley t-shirt, pulling him into a passionate kiss. “I’m gonna dress up and we are going to grab some of your stuff, okay?” he says as he starts to walk towards his bedroom. Castiel smiles and nods.

The more Dean thinks about Cas moving in, the more he likes it. Maybe this is a big step for both of them, but both of them want to live together. Dean feels incredibly happy. Waking up every morning with Cas in his— no, their bed, coming home and finding him there or waiting for him, being under the same roof together it sounds fucking awesome.

 

_____

 

After Castiel finished his day at university, he drove back home, Dean’s apartment, that now it is his too, although Castiel’s name isn’t in the deed yet, but Dean has been calling it their home since Sunday, when Castiel suggested moving in. He knew that it was a big step, but he wanted to take that step, and so did Dean. Cas was tired of coming back to that cold and lonely apartment and Dean has been giving him a warmth and a feeling of home that Castiel’s hasn’t for almost the beginning.

On Sunday and Monday they have brought a couple of things from Castiel’s apartment, but not everything. There are a lot of books, movies, crockery, some appliances and all kinds of different stuff to be brought. He and Dean decided that if Cas has things that Dean has already had and they are better or newer, they should be brought to their apartment and sell the ones that are going to be replaced. If not, they could sell those things that they aren’t going to move.

They are now at their apartment. It still feels weird for Castiel to refer Dean’s apartment to theirs, but he likes it. Today, they have brought almost all the movies and books Castiel owns.

“What are we going to do with the movies that both of us have?” Castiel asks as he gets out of the box with _Star Wars_ ’ DVDs. “They are all in the same conditions.”

“We could put the repeated ones in a box and then, pick up one of them, without knowing to whom it belongs and we can sell the other one,” Dean explains casually. Castiel arches one eyebrow and looks at his boyfriend in an oddly way. “What?”

“Wouldn’t it be easier if we just said, one of mine is kept, other of you is kept?”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Whatever, Cas.” That earns Dean a punch. “Hey!”

“You are an idiot.”

“You already knew that, I don’t know why it surprises you,” he mocks with a smirk. Castiel chuckles and kisses Dean, who grins happily when they pull away. Castiel loves seeing Dean like that, so happy and confident. Dean kisses him again in that tender but passionate way of his. For now, Castiel likes how things are going with Dean.

Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door and Castiel pulls away, making Dean grunt, because he didn’t want to end up the kiss. “Don’t worry, we will get back to the kissing later,” Castiel says as he stands up.

“You better.”

Castiel lets out a bright laugh and he looks at Dean, looking so happy. It warms his heart. He walks towards the door and he opens it. “Hello, Sam,” Castiel says.

Sam makes a perplexed face. “Cas,” Sam starts to say with disbelief. He doesn’t know about he and Dean going back together. For now, only Charlie knows it, because she saw them. They have been busy, so they haven’t thought about telling people yet. “What—” He looks at Castiel and then at Dean. “You guys are good again?”

“Yeah, we are,” Castiel answers blushing. He looks at Dean, who flushes too and makes a warm smile. “Please, come in Sam.”

Sam comes in and he gives Castiel a curious look that then goes directly to Dean. “When did this happen?”

“Friday night,” Dean answers as he stands up. He walks until he is next to Cas, embracing Castiel’s waist in order to pull him closer, something that makes Castiel giggle a bit and place his hand on Dean’s waist as well.

“Oh— _OH_ ,” Sam says quite excited, making a happy and relieved smile. “You are together again? Like together _together_?” With his index fingers he makes a motion of implying that they are together.

“Yes, we are,” Castiel says looking at Dean with a big grin. It feels better than he expected saying that he and Dean are together again. “In fact I’m moving in.”

“That’s fantastic!” he exclaims and he even hops a little, which makes Dean and Castiel frown confused. “Guys, I’m so happy for you! It was about time!” Sam runs towards them and pulls them into a tight hug.

“Okay, Sammy, just— okay,” Dean says as he palms his little brother’s back. Castiel just chuckles.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Sam asks as he pulls away.

“We haven’t told anyone,” Dean starts to say. “Only Charlie knows and because she saw us kissing on the hall the other day. We’ve been trying to figure things out and now Cas is moving in, so we’ve been busy.”

Sam nods and makes an agreement pout. “We thought about letting people know once I’m fully settled in,” Castiel murmurs.

“Wow,” Sam simply says, again grinning. “It’s great to see you back together,” he adds. Dean and Castiel look at each other and smile shyly. “For what I see, this time is completely serious.” The couple nod at that. “I’m so happy and proud of you guys.”

“Yeah, we are it too,” Castiel says. And Dean kisses his temple, which makes Castiel smile and blush a little. It feels good to be home with the man he loves.

 

_____

 

On the weekend, they bring home the remaining things left at Castiel’s old apartment. Castiel has finished all the paperwork with the guy that rented the apartment and the paperwork that includes him in the deed of Dean’s apartment, that now it is officially Dean and Castiel’s. The only thing left to do is to place all Castiel’s stuff in their apartment.

“I’m sorry we get to spend our weekend placing all my stuff here,” Castiel murmurs as he opens one of the remaining boxes with things that belong to him.

“Cas, you already said that on Friday evening and yesterday, you don’t have to say it today too,” Dean says as he grabs a figurine of a white tiger; Cas told him that it was a present from Gabriel when he was a little kid. Dean remembers seeing it when Cas lived in Pontiac. “I don’t mind doing this.”

“Are you sure you don’t mind me filling the apartment with all these things?” he asks with an unsure voice.

Dean grabs Castiel’s shoulders and turns him around, so they can see each other. “They are your things, Cas, and this is your home too. You have all the right to put your things here. Stop worrying about that, okay?”

“Okay,” he whispers with a timid smile, then he leans to give Dean a lovely kiss that leaves Dean smiling. “I love you.”

It doesn’t matter how many times Dean hears those three words, they always warm his heart. “I love you too.” He kisses Castiel again and then, they keep getting things out of the box. “Should I put this in the living room?” he asks as he shows Castiel a frame with a photograph of Castiel and Gabriel.

“Do you want to have a photo of my brother in the living room?” he asks as sassy as he can and arching his eyebrow.

“I can put a sticker on his face so the hot guy standing next to him stands out better,” he teases with a cocky grin. It earns him a chuckle from Cas followed by a small pinch on his waist, but Dean then grabs Castiel’s wrist and pulls him until their chests are pressed together. “Wanna play with me, Cas?”

Castiel laughs and he places his arms around Dean’s neck. “Maybe.” He leans and they kiss in a really arousing way. “Don’t forget I can be as teaser as you. Or worse,” he whispers into Dean’s mouth.

“Oh yeah?” he asks and Castiel hums in affirmation. “Would you show me that someday?” They have been together for more than a week, but they haven’t had any kind of sex yet. They are taking their time to get there. Kisses and caresses feel awesome, and Dean knows that once both of them feel ready to have sex, it would feel even more awesome. They are okay with how they are now; there’s no need to rush things.

“I would, I promise. Although you might regret it.” He smirks and winks.

Dean bursts into laughter and Castiel does the same. Feeling how their bodies move when they laugh, feeling each other’s happiness on their bodies is something incredible. Dean kisses Castiel as happily as possible, feeling Castiel’s smile in the kiss. “Okay, I’ll put you and your brother’s photo on the living room.” And before he walks away from their bedroom—it really sound good to call it theirs— Dean kisses Castiel’s temple in a sweet way, leaving Cas with a pretty smile drawn on his lips.

He decides to leave the photo next to the one he has of he and Sam when Sam graduated in college. Dean looks at both photos and he can’t help smiling. It has been only a week since Cas moved in, but as more stuff of Cas is placed in the apartment, the more Dean realizes that Castiel Novak is fucking living with him. And it makes him feel really good.

When he goes back to their bedroom, he finds Cas sitting on the bed, with a small box on his hands and Castiel looks too serious. Dean sits down next to him and he looks at the top of it. “Hey,” Dean says as he places his arm around Castiel’s shoulders. “What’s wrong?”

Castiel takes a deep breath. “This is the box where I kept the things that reminded me of you.” He looks at Dean with glassy eyes. Dean looks puzzled at his boyfriend. “Guess I didn’t want to forget you.”

“Well, the tattoo left that very clear,” He murmurs as he makes a grimace. Castiel lets out a chuckle and then, he removes the lid of the box, revealing an old photo of the two of them together. Dean remembers that day, and that photo. “You kept it,” Dean says grabbing the photo.

“I did.” He sounds nostalgic. “It was my favorite photo. I tried to get rid of it, but I couldn’t.” At that, Dean looks at Castiel and he sees his blue eyes are glassy but he has a tiny smile.

“Let me show you something.” Dean stands up and he opens the wardrobe. He kneels and he grabs a journal with red tapes. He sits down next to Cas again, and when he opens it, he reveals a photo, also taken the same day as the photo Castiel owns, but in this one, he and Castiel are kissing.

“You kept one too.” He sounds so moved and he grabs the photo to look at it better. Castiel is now smiling with a lot of emotion. Then, Dean shows him the other ones that Sam took. “I have always loved these photos. I can’t believe you kept them.”

“Of course I kept them, Cas,” he says with a wobbly voice. His green eyes are getting a bit glassy. “It was everything I have left from you.” He inhales sharply and Castiel looks at him with all the love he has. With his hand, he puts Dean’s head to rest on his shoulder and he kisses Dean’s hair. “Thanks.”

With his fingers, Castiel strokes Dean’s hair in a calming way. “I didn’t remember you were this sentimental,” he jokes with a soothing and warm smile. Cas always knows that joking or teasing is something that helps Dean to get through moments like this. After everything, he knows him better than anyone.

“Shut up,” he says with a chuckle. “I’m surprised you aren’t crying or anything.”

“Just give me a minute and I will.” He chuckles too and when Dean looks at Castiel’s eyes, they are about to cry.

Dean pulls his head away. “Come here,” he says opening his arms and Castiel hugs Dean tightly. “We are a couple of sentimental cheesy idiots.” He holds Castiel tighter in his arms.

Castiel lets out a chuckle and a kind of sob. “We have always been.” He pulls away and Dean smiles at him, wiping the few tears that are on his angel’s face. “Sorry for this.”

“Don’t worry, Cas.” He presses a kiss on his lips and they both smile. “I also kept a few of the drawings you made.” He shows him that there are also a few of the drawings Cas used to make when the class was boring or when he ended up his exams sooner than everyone.

“I can’t believe you kept all of that,” he murmurs surprised and smiling. “Well, I also kept some of the notes you used to write me during class.” He shows Dean some pieces of paper. Teachers didn’t like when students talked, so Dean always ripped off one of his notebook’s pages and wrote on it in order to talk with Cas.

“Really? You kept all of them?” He wasn’t expecting that.

Castiel nods. “And the origami animals you used to make too.” He grabs one crane and shows it too Dean, who grins at that. Cas kept all of that for years. He is so happy and impressed.

Dean keeps looking and all that stuff when suddenly, he sees Castiel going really tense. “What is it?” But Castiel doesn’t answer him. Instead he grabs an envelope that Dean knows too far well. It has acquired a yellowish color, but he can’t forget that letter; the one he left at that mailbox the night before he left Pontiac. “Why did you keep that?”

Castiel takes a deep breath. “I don’t know. I guess that I wanted a reminder of the pain that I felt when you left. I didn’t want to forget how painful love could be. I wanted something that avoided me to commit the same mistake again.”

Something inside Dean twists at those words. “Do you still need that reminder?”

Castiel looks at Dean’s eyes and he shakes his head. “No. I don’t.” Suddenly, Dean feels as if he could breathe again and Castiel is making a tiny pretty smile. “Do you want to break it with me?” he asks offering Dean the letter.

Dean’s eyes soften and he holds the other end of the letter. “I do.”

Both of them break the letter in several pieces, letting them to fall into the trash can that Dean approached to them. It feels strange that something that caused so much pain, so many troubles, it is so easy to break. They look at the pieces of that letter and they feel relieved, and they got rid of an extremely heavy load. Dean feels how his chest doesn’t have that tight pressure anymore. He looks at Castiel and with his arm, he presses him against his side.

“I love you, Cas.”

Castiel closes his eyes and smiles. “And I love you, Dean.” His eyes are opened and they meet Dean when those words are being said.

“Are you okay?”

“Better than I have ever been.” And that wide grin he is making confirms his words.

 

_____

 

It has been almost three weeks since Dean and Castiel started to live together. It is surprisingly how they got used to each other’s routine that easy. Cas is finally fully settled in and Dean loves it so much. It feels as if they have been living together for years and both of them are happy, really happy.

And now, everyone knows that they are together. Sam, Jess, Bobby, Ellen, Charlie, Gabriel, Benny, Balthazar, Gadreel… Everyone. And all of them were really happy to know that Dean and Cas were living together and being a couple. Although Gabriel had his doubts, but after seeing his little brother as happy as he was, he got convinced.

Today, after they went to the supermarket and bought food and a couple of things that they needed, like toothpaste and napkins, and they placed all the purchases on their respective places, they decided to take a walk together. They like to walk together, holding hands and talking as they go wherever they feel like to go.

As they are walking on the park, a few raindrops start to fall and they look at each other. Just in a few seconds, it starts to rain heavily. “Do you feel like running back home?” Dean asks with a happy grin.

Castiel makes a grin that it is all teeth and gums. “Come on,” he says holding Dean’s hand tighter and starting to run really fast, dragging Dean with him.

They run through the streets, never releasing their hands. They laugh brightly and they are sure that people give them confused and weird looks, but they are really happy, so who the hell gives a damn about all those strangers? Dean loves running under the rain with his boyfriend. He feels alive.

Soon they arrive to the building where they live, and instead of waiting for the lift, they run upstairs, as fast as they can, and they are in front of their apartment’s door sooner than usually.

Before Dean opens the door, he kisses Castiel, who looks gorgeous all wet and smiling and with his cheeks with that pink flush. Castiel kisses Dean almost immediately after the first kiss. He is as happy as Dean is, and that makes Dean happier than anything.

They get inside the warm apartment, but their clothes are soaked, so they feel quite cold. “We should better get rid of these clothes,” Castiel says as he takes off his trench coat.

“Yeah, we need to get warm before we get sick,” Dean agrees and he starts to take off his leather jacket.

As Castiel takes his grey sweater off, Dean can see the shapes of Castiel’s body thanks to the shirt that it is so wet and stuck to Castiel’s skin. Cas always looks hot, but when he is wet, he looks even hotter. He is so absorbed looking at Castiel’s chest that he doesn’t realize that Castiel is looking at his chest as well; Dean is now only wearing his black t-shirt and it is as wet and stuck to his skin as Castiel’s shirt.

Their eyes meet, there’s desire and lust. Without thinking it twice, Dean and Castiel step forward until they meet in the middle and they start to kiss fiercely, desperate, needy and spirited. Their hands are restless, touching everywhere as they kiss, exploring their bodies, feeling the shapes and their curves under their hands.

It doesn’t take them too long to start moving towards their bedroom, leaving on the floor some of the clothes they are taking off as they walk, only stopping kissing when it is needed.

When they arrive to their bedroom, the only clothes they are wearing are their underwear. Once they have fallen onto the mattress, being Castiel the one with his back against it and Dean being on top of Castiel, they take off each other’s boxers, ending up completely naked. They stop kissing for a moment, just to look at each other’s eyes and to smile. Then, they keep kissing with all the fire and love in their hearts and souls.

Dean’s hands can’t stay still; he needs to touch Cas as much as he can. He has waited for so long to have Cas like this, until both of them were ready. Feeling Cas’ skin on his everywhere, touching it, caressing that marvelous body, damn it, it feels too fucking great.

His kisses start to descend, going to Castiel’s neck, kissing, sucking and dragging his teeth on the tender skin, making Castiel moan his name and to dig his nails on his scalp as his legs shakes when a hickey is made. Dean’s kisses then go to Castiel’s chest, and he kisses and licks Castiel’s nipples, which earns him a really loud moan accompanied with Castiel’s back arching.

“Dean— Dean—” Castiel moans desperate.

Dean scatters a few more kisses on Castiel’s tummy and then he goes back directly to his mouth, feeling how Castiel pushes his tongue inside Dean’s mouth as deep as he can, making Dean moan. They only pull away when Dean grabs Castiel’s cock as he starts to caress it. If Cas is going to sound like the way he is sounding now, Dean could just come with that.

Castiel moans and he starts to bite and suck Dean’s earlobe, sending a shiver down Dean’s spine. “Fuck, Cas—” Dean moans. It feels really good to be this close, to be touching each other like this and kissing the ways they are doing it.

They kiss again, and Dean seizes the moment to search blindly in the drawer for the lube and the condom. When he gets them, he puts on the condom and he starts to apply lube on his cock and on his fingers, that soon start to open Cas up.

“Dean!” Castiel exclaims groaning and moaning when Dean’s finger gets inside him. “Dean—” He bites his lower lip and presses Dean closer to his body, impossibly closer.

Dean keeps adding his fingers, one by one, loosening Castiel, feeling his warmth and his tightness. Castiel fucks into his fingers, letting all those wonderful sounds that are doing wild things to Dean. When he has four fingers inside Castiel, he pulls them out, and Castiel grunts. Dean kisses him fiercely, making both of them moan. He cleans his hands and he places his hands on Castiel’s shoulders.

Again, they look at each other, without saying a word because their eyes are talking. Then, Dean starts to push into Castiel, slowly, feeling how tight and warm Cas is. Castiel is tense, but when Dean is fully settled inside him, he relaxes and he tightens the grip of his legs around Dean’s waist.

Both of them are panting and looking at each other. They share a passionate kiss and then, Dean starts to fuck Castiel. Both of them start to moan, groan and pant. And it feels fucking awesome.

Dean’s thrusts are steady, half sweet half hard. He feels how Cas grinds into him, clenching around him, making him moan really loud and close his eyes because the pleasure is really high. “Fuck, Cas— fuck— fuck—” Dean moans desperate. He keeps rocking his hips, fucking Cas. This is better than he ever imagined.

“Dean— Dean! There— fuck— Dean,” Castiel moans. His nails dig into the skin of Dean’s back and his back arches as much as it can, his chest pressing against Dean, not leaving a single inch of space in between them.

They kiss whenever they can, until one of them, or both, has to pull away to let out a really loud moan. Dean opens his eyes and he sees how fucking beautiful Cas looks right now. His lips are parted, his eyes are half closed and his face is flushed. And the moment he opens his eyes and that ocean Castiel has for eyes meet Dean’s, it makes Dean’s heart do crazy wild things.

Castiel’s hands are everywhere, caressing Dean, holding him. It is all fire when they touch and kiss, a spirited passion that sends them to madness. Dean sinks into Castiel’s warmth and skin, never stopping his movements, his touches, his thrusts and his kisses. They are just one and no one of them knows where one body ends and the other starts. And it feels marvelous.

They keep rocking together, movements getting faster. They are moaning each other’s names. Dean keeps fucking Castiel and Castiel has to press down his head on the pillow and hisses and moans Dean’s name. Dean kisses his face, his lips, his chin, anything that he can reach until Castiel gets extremely tight that Dean’s limbs start to tremble as a shiver runs down his spine. Castiel pushes him down, closer, they need to get even closer, until it is impossible to get closer.

It all builds and builds. They press their foreheads together and open their eyes to look at each other, feeling their pants in their mouths. Castiel cups Dean’s face and kisses him with all the love he has for him as his legs tighten around Dean, afraid of falling apart if Dean isn’t over him, feeling their hot and sweaty skin everywhere. They pull away when Dean touches that sweet spot, leaving Castiel in a wonderful mess of moans.

Dean keeps fucking Castiel, feeling how it is not only a physical sensation, it is an emotional one too, and it is greater than any other time he has had sex. He kisses Castiel, needy and desperate, moaning in the kiss because Castiel’s fucking tongue does wonderful things.

Again, Dean’s cock touches that spot that makes Castiel tremble under him. Dean trembles too and lets out a loud moan. This feels really good, to have Cas like this, to make him feel all those things, that Cas is making him feel awesome things. Dean’s hips keep rocking without rest, going faster and Castiel grips Dean tighter, their moans getting louder. Cas is so warm and tight that Dean’s cock is already twitching, urging to come.

“Dean— I’m—” Castiel starts to mumble.

“I’ve got you, Cas,” Dean whispers. He can feel Castiel’s cock twitching under his stomach, knowing that he is about to come, and Dean is as close as Castiel is.

Dean comes first and seconds later Castiel does. Dean collapses onto Castiel, and he feels exhausted and rapt, feeling boneless. He hasn’t felt as satisfied as he is in years, or maybe never. He doesn’t know. All he knows is that he feels awesome and it is thanks to Cas and the awesome sex they have just had.

Neither of them moves or says anything for a while, until Dean pulls away, throwing the condom to the bin. Then, they kiss and Dean rolls over, until he is lying aside next to Cas, who is panting. Dean smirks. “You doing good?” Dean asks with a teasing smile.

“Yeah.” Castiel breathes out. He rolls until he is lying aside too. “I’m doing really good.” Clearly, Dean left him exhausted. “This has been awesome.”

Dean chuckles. “Yeah. We should have done it before.”

“Yes.” He inhales sharply. “I was waiting until you were ready. I wasn’t sure when it was the right time, you know?”

Dean nods. “I was waiting for you to be ready too.” He starts to caress Castiel’s side and he smiles.

“So all this time we have been ready and we didn’t do this because we thought the other one wasn’t ready?” he asks as he moves closer to Dean, starting to comb Dean’s short hair.

Dean makes a thoughtful grimace. “Yeah, I think so. But you know how terrible we are at knowing things like this,” he jokes and Castiel chuckles. “Guess that all we needed was some rain.”

Castiel starts to laugh and then he kisses Dean. “You are an assbutt.”

Hearing Cas saying that word makes Dean smile widely and feel a heartwarming sensation spreading through his chest. He kisses Castiel as passionately as he can, feeling Castiel’s surprised smile on his lips and how Castiel holds Dean, pressing their bodies together. “But I’m your assbutt.”

“Of course you are it.” He cups Dean’s face and pulls him into another kiss, this time it is a slow and sweet one that pulls a couple of moans out of Dean. “I love you,” he whispers.

“I love you.” He hugs Castiel and they tangle their legs together. It has taken them a while to get there, but they are finally completely good and Dean feels extraordinarily good, and so does Castiel.

“You know,” Castiel starts to say after a while. His fingers are caressing Dean’s biceps in a light but really nice way. Dean looks at him. “Do you think you are up for round two?” he asks with a husky smile.

Dean arches his eyebrow. “Didn’t I leave you exhausted enough?”

Castiel rolls both of them, ending up on top of Dean, which makes the green eyed man smirk and bite his lower lip. “You can leave me even more exhausted.” He challenges with a cocky grin.

Dean bursts into laughter and so does Castiel. The bedroom is filled with happiness and although this place has felt like home for Dean since the day he started to live in there, it feels even more like home because Castiel is in there too and it is his home as well.

But the truth is that Castiel is Dean’s home and Dean is Castiel’s home. It has always been like that.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the bookmarks, the comments and the subscriptions :)

_May 2015_

It has been a long day, but the moment Castiel steps into the apartment, everything feels better. It is warm and it smells wonderful because Dean is already making dinner with some music playing low as he cooks. Castiel lets out a relieved and happy sigh when he closes the door and he sees Dean smiling at him.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean greets with a beautiful smile.

Castiel takes off his trench coat, throwing in at the couch along with his briefcase and he walks towards the kitchen to kiss Dean in a needy way. “Hello, Dean,” Castiel whispers into Dean’s lips. He hugs Dean by the small of his back and he rests his forehead against the green eyed man’s and Castiel closes his eyes, letting himself sink in Dean.

Dean holds Castiel, pressing him a little closer, and Dean’s smell is more intense. Leather, car oil, cotton and earth overwhelm Castiel, and he loves it. It means that he is finally at home. “Long day, babe?” he asks whispering as his hands caress Castiel’s back soothingly, calming Castiel.

He nods and opens his eyes. “Endless day.”

“But you are home now.” Dean presses a tender kiss on his lips, making a smile appear on Castiel’s lips.

“I’m home.”

“By the way,” Dean starts to say as he pulls away. He goes towards one of the drawers and he grabs something. “For you.” He shows up a lily, one of Castiel’s favorite flowers, and he hands it to Castiel.

With a big grin on his face, Castiel grabs it and smells it. “Love it when you are a classic, cheesy guy.” It doesn’t happen all the time, but once in a while, Dean can be sappy and cheesy and he always ends up making Cas promise not to tell anyone because he doesn’t want to lose his bad reputation. But Castiel loves Dean anyway that makes Dean who he is.

“You love me anyway,” he says winking and with a cocky smile that Castiel has to kiss.

“Yes, I do love you anyway,” he murmurs after the kiss, still grinning.

He starts to walk towards where he left his briefcase, knowing that Dean is looking at him with curious eyes. He grabs the red rose that he bought for Dean when he left university.

“A rose? Really?” Dean asks grabbing the flower Castiel hands him.

Castiel kicks his leg and Dean chuckles. “Don’t say that you don’t love it.”

Dean smells the rose, smiling at it and then he fists the front of Castiel’s shirt, pulling him into a passionate kiss. Both of them hum with happiness. “Not as much as I love you.” The grin he makes is all cockiness and happiness.

“Shut up.” He giggles and blushes. “Assbutt.” He kisses Dean again. “I love you too.” They kiss again. He has just been in home for a couple of minutes and all the stress from university fades away. Dean always does that; he takes away all the bad things from him. And Castiel does the same with Dean.

“Sorry to interrupt this wonderful kissing session, but I don’t think you want me to burn our dinner.” He makes a grimace and Castiel smiles and rolls his eyes.

“I will put these in a vase, don’t worry.” He grabs Dean’s rose and while Dean walks towards the cooker, Castiel places the rose and the orchid on a vase that they have on their coffee table. “What are we having for dinner?” he asks as he looks at the flowers with a smile drawn on his lips.

There’s the sound of some big quantity of water being thrown on the sink and when Castiel looks at Dean, he is in front of the sink and a lot of steam is coming out of the casserole. “Some macaroni with my homemade tomato sauce and some grilled cheese.”

Castiel hums happily and Dean looks at him with that proud grin of his, because he knows that Cas loves when Dean cooks pasta. Actually Castiel loves whatever Dean cooks, but pasta is something that Castiel adores. “Great,” he says as he walks towards the kitchen and he starts to set the table, but before that, he presses a brief kiss on Dean’s neck. “How was your day, by the way?” he asks as he stares at the fridge door, where some of the photos Sam took when they were teenagers and a few more recent photos are, and Castiel smiles at them. He loves all those photos.

“Nice. Busy, but not too stressful,” Dean answers. He is now putting tomato sauce on the macaroni. “And I guess that yours was fucking long.”

“Yes, it was. But you know, final exams are approaching and students are really nervous and they want to take tutorials and speak to professors and it is a never ending thing,” he explains. Dean has already put some cheese on the macaroni and he is putting the tray inside the oven so the cheese can grill. “But it is Friday and I have the whole weekend to rest.”

“Yeah, you do.” Dean walks towards him and he places his arms around Castiel’s waist, something that makes Castiel smile. They somehow need to be close to each other; just holding hands, sitting next to each other, kissing or whatever. But they always have that need to be close. “And you get to be with this hot piece of ass.”

Castiel chuckles. “I guess that you wanted to say this hot piece of assbutt,” he teases with a smirk and trying to sound as sassy as possible.

“Asshole,” he murmurs before he leans to kiss Castiel. Suddenly _Back in Black_ starts to play and Dean pulls away and he makes a wide grin. “I love this song!” he exclaims happily and he starts dancing, or what it seems like to be dancing, with Castiel.

Dean moves Castiel with him and Castiel laughs hysterically, because they look ridiculous, but it is funny and they are so happy. Dean ends up laughing too as he twirls both of them around the kitchen. He grabs one of Castiel’s hands and he starts to shake his waist and his head and Castiel laughs in a hilarious way. He loves moments like this. Everything is happiness and laughter and Castiel can’t believe he has lived for so many years without this, without Dean.

“I love you so much,” Castiel says in between laughs.

“I love you so much too,” Dean says as he places himself in front of Castiel, who cups Dean’s face with one hand and kisses him. They stop kissing because there’s a ring coming from the oven, indicating that it is time to get the tray out of it. “Dinner’s ready. Turn off the music and I’ll take care of this.”

And that’s what Castiel does; he turns off the music, placing the record on its place while Dean gets the tray out of the oven and puts the food on two respective plates. The apartment is soon filled with the wonderful smell of the pasta with tomato sauce and grilled cheese.

They sit on the kitchen table and they start to eat the delicious meal Dean has made. As they have dinner, they talk about whatever they want to. They always have topics to talk about, from the meaningless to the most important ones. Castiel thought he would never have something like this, but here they are, living happily together. They have been living together for almost four months and they couldn’t be happier.

When they finish eating, Castiel washes the dishes while Dean dries them. “Tomorrow we have that dinner at Bobby and Ellen’s place right?” Castiel asks as he hands Dean one glass.

“Yeah,” Dean answers. “They invited us, although I wouldn’t call it inviting since I’m the one who’s gonna cook.”

“You love cooking and you love seeing how we enjoy anything you cook.” He chuckles as he looks at Dean, who is chuckling too. “Sam and Jess are coming over too, right?”

“Of course. It’s a family dinner, you know it.”

Castiel smiles. He is part of the family too. And it warms his heart to know that. He looks at Dean with a big smile on his face. Dean stares at him, in that way that he only does for Castiel, leaning so they can kiss. A brief but sweet kiss. Both of them smile.  
Once everything is washed, dried and on its right place, Dean wastes no second and grabs Castiel’s wrist, twirling him towards him, until their chest are pressed together and they can kiss in a really passionate way. It takes Castiel by surprise at first, but he doesn’t waste any time to kiss Dean back and starts gripping himself on the green eyed man.

Kiss after kiss, they start to walk towards their bedroom. They have done this so many times that they don’t collapse with anything during their way to it anymore. Their steps are determined and their kisses are fierce, needy and passionate, mixed with sweetness and gentleness.

Dean lets both of them fall onto the mattress, Castiel being pressed against it while Dean is on top of him. They smile and they kiss, taking off their clothes with their restless and eager hands. Every time some skin is revealed, they have to touch it or kiss it. Warmth spreads quickly as anticipation and arousal builds with every kiss or touch.

It doesn’t take them too long to be completely naked. Kisses never stop as they rock their hips, rubbing the erections together. As Dean starts to kiss Castiel’s neck, dragging his teeth along it and sucking it, Castiel moans and presses his body against Dean. He always wants to feel Dean impossibly closer, a feeling that’s that Dean shares as well. He starts to pant and his hands never stop tracing down Dean, hungry for touching that wonderful body, to feel all the sharp and soft shapes and the warmth that it releases.

The kisses descend until Dean arrives to one of Castiel’s nipples and starts to kiss it. Castiel hums a moan and his hips shake when Dean fucking bites it and then licks it; he does all of that without taking his eyes from Castiel’s face. The wide green of his eyes is now a tiny circle around the dilated pupils. Castiel bites his lower lip, smiling in a cocky and lascivious way as his fingers comb Dean’s hair.

Dean’s hands trace down Castiel’s sides, feeling the shape of Castiel’s body, and they go directly to the inner of his thighs. Dean touches them delicately but in a really arousing way. As he does that, Dean’s mouth leaves Castiel’s nipple, which is hard and swollen, and he leaves butterfly kisses down Castiel’s abdomen, tickling him and making him giggle.

“You are a freaking teaser,” Castiel giggles.

“Don’t say you don’t love it,” Dean whispers into Castiel’s skin, right above his navel, and the blue eyed man can feel Dean’s cocky grin on his sensitive skin.

Of course that Castiel loves it. He loves how teasing Dean is, how delicate he can be, how fierce and passionate he can be. He loves any way Dean makes love to him, as he loves any way he makes love to Dean. It feels awesome and great, as if they were made for this.

Suddenly, Dean’s mouth reaches Castiel’s hard cock. Dean places a kiss on the head of it before he starts to lick the head. Castiel moans and rocks his hips, asking Dean for more. And Dean finally gets all Castiel’s cock into his mouth, earning him a really loud moan coming from Castiel and a tight grip of his hand on Dean’s short, light brown hair.

Dean bobs his head up and down several times, pressing his lips and swirling his tongue along the shaft. He really gives awesome blowjobs. When he swallows the cock until it can reach his throat, Castiel’s back arches from the bed and moans really loud as Dean moans around his cock.

A few more bobs and Dean pulls away, but he presses a kiss on the head of his cock, a sweet lingering kiss and then, he goes directly to Castiel’s mouth, to give him a sweet and slow kiss, which makes both of them hum pleased. Castiel places his arms around Dean’s back, caressing it. Dean’s hands, meanwhile, are caressing Castiel’s inner thighs. One of those hands abandons it and Castiel knows it is because Dean is going to grab the lube and the condom.

His suspicious are confirmed when he hears the bottle being opened. They don’t stop kissing and rocking together, rubbing their cocks in slow but wonderful movements, until Castiel feels Dean’s lubed finger getting inside him. It makes him rock his hips a bit faster, letting Dean know that he can take more, so Dean adds another finger, opening Castiel up slowly, touching sometimes his prostate, making Castiel gasp and moan.

Dean keeps adding more fingers, until he has four and feels that Castiel is perfectly loosened. He pulls them away and Castiel places his legs around Dean’s waist. Dean and Castiel gasp and look at each other. They share a kiss and Dean starts to push in, going slowly, giving Castiel time to adjust. When Dean is finally settled inside, Castiel cups Dean’s face and kisses him desperate. Then, Dean starts to move, making both of them moan.

His thrusts are sweet and with the appropriate speed, not too fast but not too slow. Castiel gasps desperate for air. He presses Dean down and his lover moans. Their foreheads rest together and they look at each other, in that way that leaves them speechless, as if they were the only human beings in the universe. Dean looks him as if Castiel was the most extraordinary being in the damn universe, and it makes him feel so loved and special that Castiel has to cup Dean’s face and kiss him, a bit sloppy because his moans don’t stop, but it doesn’t matter, the kiss is good, better than good.

Dean keeps fucking him and Castiel fucks into his cock, grinding into Dean and clenching around him, making Dean moan and let a shiver run down his spine. He moans Castiel’s name, always with a swear and his freckled hands start to caress Castiel’s legs, then his sides, and his neck and his face, anywhere that he can reach.

Castiel presses his head on the pillow, tilting his chin up because Dean touches that wonderful spot that sends him directly to heaven. He digs his nails on Dean’s skin, moaning Dean’s name several times, without taking a single breath. Again, that sweet spot is touched and Castiel’s whole body jumps out from the bed, grinding on Dean. He buries his face in Dean’s neck, feeling how Dean holds him tighter, never stopping those extraordinary thrusts, changing his angle, rolling and rocking his hips so this feels even better.

They share another kiss and another. They look at each other, only closing their eyes when the pleasure is too high. Castiel’s hand finds one of Dean’s and they tangle their fingers together. Their hips collide when Dean touches Castiel’s prostate and Castiel clenches around him. He knows that Dean is close to come, he can feel Dean’s cock twitching inside him, and he knows that he is close too.

But they last a little bit longer. The speed of Dean’s thrusts increases and with that, they moan, gasp and groan more frequently. Their intertwined hands go back to their bodies, hungry and desperate to touch each other. Their chests are pressed together, barely leaving a single inch in between. A few more thrusts and both of them come. They aren’t sure who comes first, but they don’t care. Dean collapses onto Castiel, burying his face in the crook of his neck, hands holding the back of his thighs while Castiel presses Dean closer as his back arches off bed.

He isn’t sure how he is breathing at all; all he knows is that he feels boneless and that Dean is on top of him, panting against his skin. And Castiel tightens his arms around Dean. He knows that Dean isn’t going to leave, but he loves feeling him like this, still rapt and trying to catch his breath after coming and moaning in his orgasm Castiel’s name so loud that he is sure that almost the whole building has heard him. Although Castiel might have moaned Dean’s name that loud too. Castiel makes a tiny smile at that and closes his eyes, feeling their hearts beating and how their chests rise and descend with every breath they take.

It is all silence, except for their heavy breathings. Dean hasn’t pulled away from Castiel, who doesn’t mind it at all, in fact he likes it. They are just lying together, pressed together, skins sweating and still burning, with Castiel’s come on their bellies and both of them feeling exhausted, rapt and fucking extraordinary.

“Cas,” Dean starts to say as he pulls his face away from Castiel’s neck. Castiel still has his eyes closed, but he can feel Dean nuzzling his temple. It makes Castiel smile wider and make a humming sound that indicates Dean to go on. “Will you marry me?”

Castiel opens his eyes and looks at Dean with wide eyes. He looks at that gorgeous face, all flushed from making love, and he blinks perplexed. “Did you just propose?” Castiel asks surprised. He wasn’t expecting Dean to propose right now, after they have just had sex.

“Yeah,” he answers. Castiel starts to chuckle. “What’s so funny?”

“You do know that your cock is still in my ass, right?” he says laughing brightly.

Dean laughs too in that beautiful way of his. “Yeah, I know.” He bites his lower lip as he makes an adorable smile. “But you know I suck at being romantic.” Dean’s right on that, although sometimes he can be romantic.

“You don’t say?” Castiel keeps laughing. “Well, to be honest I wasn’t expecting you to propose while your cock was still in my ass, but—” Both of them chuckle at that. “But this is very Dean Winchester.” He strokes Dean’s cheek as he smiles. Actually, he likes how Dean proposed, because that’s how Dean is. He doesn’t want a sweetened Dean, he wants his Dean, this Dean. The one who can be so badass, awkward and sometimes the cheesiest guy ever. All those things make Dean who he is, and every day that Castiel spends together with Dean, he falls more in love with him.

“So, what do you say?” He props on one elbow, resting his other cheek on his hand as the other one draws some doodles on Castiel’s chest. His eyes are full of expectation. “Will you marry me?”

“Do you even have to ask?” Castiel asks with a moved voice. “Of course that I will marry you, Dean.” And he cups Dean’s face and they kiss in a passionate way.

“Awesome,” Dean says sounding really happy. Just as happy as Castiel is. They are going to get married and it sounds marvelous. “Okay, let me grab the ring,” he says as he pulls away from Castiel and goes towards the wardrobe, not before he throws the condom away.

“Did you buy a ring?”

“Of course. It would have been a shit of proposal if I didn’t buy a ring.” He turns and walks towards bed, holding in his hand a small black case. Castiel props on his elbows until he is sitting on the bed, with his back pressed against the headboard. Dean sits in front of him, with Castiel legs in between his. “I was thinking about proposing you in a more romantic way, but—” He takes a deep breath and chuckles, looking at Castiel with those too beautiful and stunning green eyes, filled with so much happiness.

“This one was more original,” he says grinning and resting his hands on Dean’s thighs. Both of them laugh.

“Yeah.” Dean opens the black case, revealing a ring, then, he grabs Castiel’s hand and puts the ring on Castiel’s ring finger. “Castiel Novak is gonna marry me,” he says looking at Castiel with a huge grin on his lips.

Castiel can’t hide his enormous grin of happiness, and neither does he want to hide it. He places his arms around Dean’s neck, pressing their noses together. “And Dean Winchester is going to marry me.” After those words, they kiss with all the love their have for each other.

They don’t stop smiling during the several kisses they share. Their lips are swollen when Dean pulls away. “Fuck, I love you so fucking much,” he admits with a big grin drawn on his face, cute crinkles appearing on the corner of his eyes.

“I love you too,” he says with a bright grin of his own. They kiss again, until Castiel talks. “Shall we celebrate?” he asks with a cocky grin.

“Fuck yeah,” Dean says and he kisses Castiel again.


	27. Chapter 27

_July 2015_

 

The soft breeze coming from the ocean caresses Castiel’s naked skin, messing his wild hair slightly, just enough to ravel it a little bit more. He looks at the moon and the reflection on it on the sea. The moon is beautiful tonight, lightening up the dark night with its light, accompanied by thousands of stars scattered on the sky. Castiel can’t help smiling as he looks at the night sky.

He hears the sound the waves make on the beach, making him feel more relaxed the more he hears them. Even he can smell the sea from the balcony where he is standing. It feels really good.

Suddenly, Dean presses his naked body against Castiel’s, also completely naked. Dean’s hands come to rest on Castiel’s hipbones, thumbs brushing his skin. Castiel smiles and presses his back against Dean’s chest and Dean presses a kiss where Castiel’s neck and shoulder meet.

“Did I wake you up?” Castiel asks in a hum. Dean kisses his way up to his neck in a really delicate and glorious way.

“You side was getting cold,” Dean answers. His arms tighten around Castiel and the blue eyed man places his hands above Dean’s.

“I’ve been out for less than five minutes.” He chuckles. “I needed to go to the bathroom and the door was opened and I got distracted by the view,” he admits as he squeezes Dean’s hands.

“I know, but bed was cold without my husband,” Dean murmurs into Castiel’s hair, pressing a soft kiss.

Castiel smiles and he rests his head on Dean’s shoulder, tilting it so he can see Dean. “I like how that sounds,” he murmurs.

Dean makes an inquiring look. “That I’m your husband?” Castiel hums in agreement, a wide grin appearing on his lips. The grin Dean makes is beautiful and is all happiness, and it even has a bit of cockiness. “Yeah, it sounds awesome.” He leans to kiss Castiel slowly and gently. “And it sounds awesome that I’m your husband.”

“It does.” Both of them grin and they kiss again. Castiel slips his fingers into Dean’s tangling them together. “Finally,” he whispers into Dean’s lips when they pull away. “Finally we are married.”

“It took us a long time, angel.” He presses a kiss on Castiel’s temple and then, they keep looking at the sea. “Did you ever think this was gonna happen? After being separated for fifteen fucking years?”

“No.” He wasn’t expecting anything of the things that happened after he found Dean at the garage that day. And much less that they would get back together and they would be now married.

“Me neither.”

Castiel sighs and squeezes Dean’s hand, looking at him with an honest smile. “I’m glad we are where we are now, that we are married and happy.”

Dean makes another honest smile. “Me too.”

They just smile at each other and they share a tender kiss. Then, they stay in silence, contemplating the majesty of the night and the sea as they keep holding each other; Dean holding Castiel from his back and Castiel holding Dean’s hands.

“Isn’t this beautiful?” Castiel says in a soft voice, as if he was afraid that talking louder could break the beauty of the night.

“Must be, we took a fucking plane to arrive to freaking Hawaii,” Dean says in a teasing way.

Castiel chuckles and looks at Dean, who stares him back. “You are loving being here.”

“Of course I’m loving being here. I’m in Hawaii in our honeymoon and I’m married to the best guy in the whole universe.”

“I thought I was the one who got married to the best man in the whole universe.”

“Shut up, Cas.” He blushes and chuckles. Dean always blushes when Castiel praises him or compliments him. Dean is so cute and adorable.

“My sun and star looks wonderful blushed,” he teases a bit more. He loves seeing Dean blushed.

“There’s only the moonlight, how the fuck can you see if I’m blushing or not?” he snaps with an arched brow. Dean’s right; there’s only the moonlight, but that’s enough to see that Dean’s cheeks have acquired a red shade. Castiel just chuckles and presses a kiss on the corner of Dean’s lips. “You are such a sap.”

“You sometimes win me.”

Dean kind of glares him, but he is grinning. “Asshole.” He laughs as he leans to kiss Castiel.

“Assbutt,” he murmurs before they kiss. It is a tender but passionate kiss that makes both of them moan in their throats. They smile when they pull away and they keep looking at the sea, careless of the time they spend there. After all, it is their first Honeymoon day and they have nine more days.

Dean and Castiel got married two days ago. It was a small celebration, only family and a few friends were invited. Sam, Jess, Gabriel, Charlie, Bobby, Ellen, Benny, Balthazar and Gadreel were the ones that attended the wedding. Neither Dean nor Castiel wanted something huge or presumptuous; they just wanted a small wedding with the people they cared about and having one of the great days of their lives, and they had it.

Castiel looks at his ring, showing that he is married to Dean, and he smiles. Dean catches sight of that. “Still don’t believe that we are married?” Dean asks, a slight cockiness slipping into his voice.

“It took us so long to get here that—” Castiel sighs and looks at Dean, who knows exactly what Castiel means. “But I’m so happy that after everything, we managed to get here.”

“We fought for it.” Dean kisses Castiel in a lovely way, saying with it what he wants to say with words. “I love you.”

It doesn’t matter how many times Castiel hears those words; he never gets tired of hearing them and it always makes him feel great every time Dean says them. “I love you too.” He turns around, placing his arms around Dean’s neck. They smile at each other and they kiss again, pressing impossibly closer, like always.

“We are getting cold,” Dean starts to say. The night temperature is nice, but their skins are starting to get a bit chilly. “How about we go back to bed and we make love to get warm?”

Castiel chuckles. “I’m topping this time.”

Dean smirks. “You better.”

They make love on that bed in that apartment next to the sea. The breeze of the sea slips into the bedroom, caressing their naked bodies as they make love. This time, they don’t hear the sounds of the waves because right now, that’s an unimportant sound; they are moaning each other’s names as they move together, making love slowly and tenderly, taking their time, finding a really nice rhythm together, feeling each other’s bodies, skin and hands, their eyes locked together, never looking away.

When they come, they fall asleep no longer after it, but before that, they whisper to each other an ‘I love you’. They fall asleep with their legs tangled and arms holding each other, and when morning arrives, the sun finds them still together in bed and holding each other, sleeping soundly and happily, with a soft and happy smile drawn on their lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! Thank you so much to everyone who has read, seriosuly, thank you so much :')


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